After a marathon of stand up, the Belly Room is rumbling for battles. Brody Stevens, Jena Friedman, Wayne Federman, Willie Hunter and The Roastmaster General Jeff Ross are all present, accounted for and ready to pass judgment.
Scott Kidd comes to the stage followed by Dennis Wilson for our first undercard. Kidd volunteers to start off the night:
“Dennis, you look like a member of NWAARP.”
“Thank you, Johnny Debit Card. Scott loves porn. Scott masturbates to so much his dick just joined Me Too movement.”
“Dennis Wilson worked at the Comedy Store so long ago that he had to call Mitzi, ‘Massa.’”
“Scott is a big Hugh Hefner fan. Although he’s never been invited to the Mansion, he has looked through the window many times.”
[After a considerable pause] “Are you making this up right now?” – Wayne Federman
Scott Kidd explains that he was deliberating on his final joke.
“I don’t know who’s more full of shit. Dennis, you for calling yourself a comedian or the maggots feasting on your dead wife’s corpse.”
And that’s the joke he decided to go with. There are a lot of groans and the judges start judging Scott. They finally throw it back to Dennis, and it seems like anything he says can win him the battle at this point. He goes with this:
“Scott used to be an EMT driver. He said that doing CPR has made him a much better kisser.”
Coach Tea breaks the silence after Dennis’ last attempt with a perfectly placed sound drop of “You win!”
“I just felt like Scott had it won, and then he did the, eh, the dead, the cremation joke. I think that was almost, borderline racist.” – Brody Stevens
“I think that the mustache only affords you one racist joke, you told two. […] I’m gonna give it to Jasmin [of the All Black Girl Choir].” – Jena Friedman
“Can we give it to the DJ?” – Wayne Federman
There are plenty of head scratching moments during this battle. Scott starts off strong, but loses the crowd as the jokes get meaner. Dennis makes little-to-no sense, but is bewilderingly likable. The audience votes, and Jasmin dances her way into a win. Better luck next time, gentlemen.
Aston Wallace enters first and Rasheed Stephens is close behind. Aston takes first joke:
“Rasheed’s what you get when cross a metrosexual with a Metro.”
“Uncle Tom is not only a character trait of Aston, but it’s also the name of the uncle that touched him in his swimsuit area.”
“Rasheed also finds himself coordinating outfits with other comics because being from Atlanta is not gay enough.”
“Aston has the body of a thirteen year old Cambodian boy and the rape-ability of a lawyer who can cover it up.”
“Alright you fake Denzel like that Allstate nigga…”
“Nigga, Aston got- fuck you.”
“Rasheed had his front tooth knocked out by a pistol. Not when they put it in his mouth, but when he tried to swallow it when they took it out.
“Aston is a… he’s a huge Eagle’s fan, which makes a lot of sense because… um… he’s a bottom and he loves to spread it.”
Moses demands one more joke after a soft ending. Rasheed takes it:
“Aston has really strong material. The pills, the drinks, that he loves to use on all his victims.”
“Rash- ah fuck.”
“Aston got a DUI for his lisp.”
“Oh fuck. Rasheed looks like the only nigga that got cuckolded by a white dude.”
Both battlers speak at a break neck pace, and it’s difficult to understand most of their jokes. Wayne Federman suggest Jasmin win this one too. There is a great moment where Aston goes off the cuff and calls Rasheed fake Denzel, but then it went back to be underwhelming almost immediately. By crowd vote, Rasheed walks away with a win.
Richelle Meiss dances to the stage prompting Brody:
“What is this, the Rachel Ray show?” – Brody Stevens
Brian Moses asks Richelle why she decided to battle Movses Shakarian and she replies:
“You know, Movses, he’s a personal injury lawyer, so… I figured he could represent himself after I destroy him.”
“Yes! Larry Parker got me 2.1 million.” – Brody Stevens
Once Shakarian takes his place on the Belly Room stage, Brian poses the same question him, which he is happy to answer:
“Oh man, he’s a great writer, honestly. And even a gay Middle Eastern man needs to put a white bitch in her place sometimes.”
“Yas Queen! Yas!” – Josh Meyrowitz
Richelle enthusiastically kicks things off:
“The only Red Sea this Movses has ever parted was an underage white boy’s pimply butt cheeks.”
“Thank you, NPR-you-really-a-woman? Richelle was raised in a Christian cult. Sorry, I said that wrong. Richelle was raised a Christian cunt.”
“You know, I would think of a comeback, but you already have so much cum on your back.”
“Don’t be jealous. Don’t be jealous.”
“Movses has a twenty-two year old Russian husband. When Movses orders a white Russian he gets it virgin, on the rocks financially and dependent on him for a green card.”
“Thank you so much, Richelle Meiss-so-boring. Richelle has a NuvaRing, which secretes hormones to prevent pregnancy, but so does her face.”
The Wave comes from the back of the room to reenact a fight scene from Black Panther, while Coach Tea plays a doctored version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight. They may have had this planned for the battle before, but never had a big enough pop to capitalize on.
“According to Movses, a Russian leak is when his husband pees in his mouth.”
This jokes inspires the All Negro Weave AKA the All Black Girl Choir to sing, “Golden showers” followed by the equally clever, “Pee in my mouth.” The final domino falls with chants of “R. Kelly! R. Kelly!”
“Richelle likes to call herself an introvert because it’s easier than calling herself a boring bitch that hasn’t been laid since her cousin molested her.”
“I really liked Abbi Fake-obson.” – Jena Friedman
Both the battlers have fantastic stage presence and churn out a really fun battle. As the judges start in, it is revealed that Shakarian’s friends and family are in the room, including his young Russian fiancé. The All Black Girl Choir bursts into song with the instant classic, “Get that young dick.” The Roastmaster has Movses’ fiancé stand and the crowd explodes into chants of “Young dick! Young dick! Young dick!”
“This is way too much Russian interference. I’m calling collusion!” – Willie Hunter
Movses wins the audience cheer-vote from his friends and family, which was well deserved, and the crowd once again chants, “Young dick!” Richelle was a joy to watch, and we hope she comes back soon. On to the main event!
Leah Kayajanian makes her way to the stage and gives props to Jay as a battler. Jay Light comes onstage and returns the favor. Even though no shots are taken, there is tension in the air as we are all anticipating a great fight.
“I’m excited… Jay’s helped me with my website before.” – Brody Stevens
Jay volunteers Leah to go first, and she complies:
“If they made a cologne out of Jay’s essence it would be called, “Wait up, you guys!”
“Leah won funniest person in Oklahoma City. They couldn’t say funniest woman because they weren’t sure.”
“Jay just thinks I’m a man because I pay my own rent, and he’s used to men doing that for him.”
“Thank you, Nose-a Parks.”
“You’re welcome, Jay Light ass play.”
“Leah looks like an old woman and the pigeon she’s feeding in the park.”
“Jay comes from money, but only if you roll it up and tickle his taint.”
“Leah doesn’t get booked on the road because when bookers watch her tape she crawls through the TV screen and kills them.”
The first round is superb. It is a fierce back-and-forth, but Jay edges it out with his last joke and takes the round by judges’ decision. Leah defers to Jay to start round two:
“Leah’s lucky, if she ever has trouble falling asleep she can just listen to the whooshing of her ovaries.”
“Leah’s boyfriend is a barber, and they make a really cute couple. Ya know, shave and a haircut, no tits.”
“Leah used to be engaged, now the only rings she gets are around the tub. You grimy bitch!”
“You guys, can we speed this up? Jay’s gotta run up the street and alert the other news boys that the war is over.”
“Jay’s girlfriend works on the show “Unsolved.” It’s about Jay’s journey to find her clit.”
“Jay’s in AA. Man, I hope you’re as good at not drinking as you are at being anonymous.”
Leah dominates round two, and ties it up moving into round three. Jay begins:
“Leah looks good for 35 and great for being one on the witches being burned at Salem.”
“Jay looks like he retired from being Waldo because nobody tried to find him.”
“Thank you, Meryl Creep. Leah was sexually harassed by a man at work. When asked if he had any regrets he said, “Yes. Grabbing somebody’s dick without permission was a terrible way to come out of the closet.”
“Jay, you pretentious little beta. You look like, you look like you created the hashtag “myself as well.”
“And you look like the only stork that can’t deliver a baby.”
“Jay’s just jealous because my face is more hung than he is.”
This blow-for-blow brawl ignites chants of “Battle! Battle! Battle!” from the appreciative audience. Jay still lands a counterpunch.
“Leah’s just jealous my pussy lips look better than hers. Leah falls in love with every man she has sex with, which is why she took it so hard when her dad died.”
“Jay’s opened for Dave Chappelle. Fuck, I fucked that up. Jay’s opened the door for Dave Chappelle.”
Leah sells her last joke so well everybody believes she actually fucked it up. Once it is clear it is all part of the joke, the crowd squeals with gleeful relief. This really is an all-around great fight from experienced warriors at the top of their game. Both battlers earn praise from the judges, but there can only be one winner. And tonight the winner is Leah Kayajanian. Jay Light put up an incredible fight, but Leah was on another level. See you next Tuesday for the resumption of the Roast Battle Tournament!
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