Roast Battle is an ever-evolving show, with moving parts that all work perfectly (or often times not so much) in harmony to create magic and/or chaos in the Belly Room on Tuesday nights. For the past year, or so, you could say one of the cogs in the machine has been missing. The transition between a long line up of killer stand up comedians and a fiery set of battles seemed hollow and empty, like something was missing. However, this past Tuesday night fans and battlers alike heard a familiar sound before Meyrowitz’s battle cry. The intro to “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner starts to play and Boon Shok-a-laka takes the stage to light up the room, and prepare the crowd for a hot night of battles. It seems Roast Battle is slowly returning to its roots of insanity and the excitement is palpable.
Ready to ride that wave of energy are Malcolm Hatchett and Jazmyn Washington in our first undercard of the night.
“Malcolm up here smellin’ like some fuckin’ fried chicken. Malcolm looks like a grown-ass Little Bill, which is ironic cuz they both grow up to be perverts.”
Okay, Erica Ba-don’t. Jazmyn looks like a Straight Outta Compton Chia Pet, but instead of adding water, you just add Henny.”
“Believe it or not, Malcolm used to be a thug, which surprised me but then his girlfriend told me that the first time he pulled his dick out, she felt robbed.”
“Jazmyn has a blog about life through a black woman’s eyes. Finally. Now white people get to see what its like to be on the other side of the DMV counter.”
“Thanks Malcom, also known as the Dirty Prince of Bel AIr. What’s the difference between Malcolm and Popeye’s chicken? Popeye’s can feed a family of four.”
“I got food stamps. I can feed all y’all motherfuckers.Jazmyn moved from Dallas to San Fransisco to marry an African. What the fuck are you doing? Did someone make you a bet that you wouldn’t catch AIDS?”
Both battlers had tremendous energy and charm, with a powerful back and forth keeping the audience alive throughout. Jazmyn, however, had there back to back kill shots that grew better and better to the end. The roast battle virgin from San Fransisco takes the win and the crowd is itching for the next battle.
Lou Misiano takes the stage in his usual suit to battle Kelsey Lane.
“Kelsey, you walking Hot Topic. You look like you’ve been fingered badly at Warped Tour for the past 9 years.”
“Good one. Don Raper. Lou dropped out of Penn State right around when Sandusky got caught: After that, someone had to step up and fuck those kids.”
“Kelsey is a bisexual, and by that I mean when she tries to have sex with people they go ‘ugh, bye.’”
“Good one, Weatherman of Wall Street. Hey Lou, your suit is so blue. It reminds me of the color of your sister’s face when she OD’d.”
“Kelsey’s parents are heroin addicts… obviously. Kelsey’s parents do so much heroin, they think a tracking number is the number of good veins they have left.
“Lou’s sister OD’d and his brother killed himself. Hey Lou, why not make like your family tree and die?”
This battle was mean and personal, getting strong reactions from the audience. The two were neck and neck until Kelsey stumbled slightly on the last joke, causing it not to hit as hard. A great showing from both competitors but in the end, Kelsey’s misstep cost her the W after an otherwise remarkable round. Lou Misiano earns yet another win, becoming a formidable new battler.
Next up, Paige Wesley takes the stage after battling just last week. She’s battling a gay Justin Matson because as Paige puts it:
“It’s pride week and I gotta get him before the AIDS does.”
“This looks like two drug mules that haven’t unloaded yet” -Saudi Prince
“To answer your question, Justin is shaped like a pear…of bean bags.”
“Paige is genetically Italian, but she identifies as Ranch.”
“It’s true, I love me some ranch. Justin actually beat anorexia, only to lose the fight to diabetes.”
“I’m rubber, and you’re glue…cose levels are off the chart.”
The mic comes unplugged and Justin’s joke doesn’t reach the audience. As Justin fumbles with the mic and they try to figure out how to fix the situation, Paige takes advantage of an opportunity and keeps the audience invested like a pro.
“Don’t bottoms usually know when it’s in?”
By the time the audience calms down, the mic is fixed and Justin begins a new joke.
“Paige is engaged to a lumberjack with a giant beard… her.”
“It’s true I’m getting married. In Justin’s relationship, he’s actually a sub-way sandwich away from a heart attack.”
“Paige, you look like you just lost custody of your Cabbage Patch Kids.”
Justin and Paige upped the ante for the night, bringing great riffs and short, cutting jokes. Justin’s economy of words made for quick, hard-hitting punches to edge out Paige in the end. In a close, exciting undercard Justin Matson lands the knockout punch and claims victory.
New York’s Dan Wickes takes on LA’s own Quentin Thomas. It’s been a long night and the heat is starting to get to the crowd but these to are hoping to keep the energy up despite this fact. After a prelude from the judges, Dan steps up to go first.
“Quentin is Italian and has had multiple suicide attempts. He’s such a worthless guinea, he can’t even whack himself.”
“People say Dan is robotic and I disagree because robots will be having sex in the next five years.”
“Yeah, I do seem robotic. You’re bitter because I remind you of the defibrillator that kept you alive against your will. Quentin, how do you look like both a fundamentalist Christian and the giant dildo he hides in his closet?”
“Dan considers himself an activist. I don’t think going to McDonald’s yelling about Szechuan sauce is a form of protest.”
“Quentin’s abusive girlfriend used to choke him, so he cheated on her with a rope.”
“Dan’s just jealous because the bruises she left was evidence a woman has touched me. Dan, you look so sad. Doesn’t Dan always look like he just realized he’s Dan?”
Yet another close battle keeps the fans on their toes and make it difficult for the judges to decide who took the win. Both had well-written jokes and killer comebacks, and the audience is torn so the battle is pushed into overtime.
“You know Dan, you mentioned my suicide attempt, that’s true. I guess you could say suicide for me is like comedy for you. Everyone agrees we fucking suck at it.”
“Quentin, you’re so tall yet you’re always reaching.”
The crowd explodes over Dan’s quick comeback and the winner is made clear in overtime, crowning the East Coast champion…this time.
Closing out the impressive lineup of undercards is another New York versus LA match with Caesar Lizardo and James Pontillo. Caesar takes the stage in costume, playing some kind of character that everyone already hates. This has worked for Caesar in the past, but the early responses from the judges are mostly negative. James kicks off the battle.
“We gotta make this quick, Caesar left his baby in a hot car for this. You wouldn’t know this with his costume but Caesar looks like Drake, if God’s plan was to give him Downs Syndrome.”
“Thank you, David Boring Anus. Yo man, James hasn’t fucked in four years. You know the saying, if you don’t use it, you will lose YOUR MIND AND START SHOOTING PEOPLE. SOMEBODY COME FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLEASE! Will you fuck him? Will you fuck him? For safety! For safety!”
“You left your newborn at home for this? You know some people are grossed out by Caesar dressing, but everyone’s grossed out by Caesar undressing.”
“Alright listen man. You look like you would be the first dude who’d get raped by another cadet up in the space force… Come on. Y’all don’t like space rape?”
Ceasar’s joke whiffs but his question to the audience gets a huge pop.
“True. I have a dad bod, at least one of us passes for a father. Caesar calls his baby Little Caesar because it was made by an immigrant and left on a stranger’s doorstep.”
“Thank you, Robert Downs Syndrome Jr. You know you look nervous. Your knees weak, your palms are sweaty, but your mom’s dead so you can’t eat her spaghetti homie.”
Caesar’s attempt at playing a character falls flat and confuses the audience. He took a risk that didn’t pay off and his opponent capitalized. In the coastal war battles, New York wins the night.
Finally, the main event is ready to kick off between John-Michael Bond and Doug Fager. Bond takes the stage first so that Doug can make an entrance dressed as the lifeguard that molested John. The audience is left with a bad taste in their mouth from Caesar’s character, so they’re hesitant when Doug walks on in costume. Thankfully, he steps up to win them over.
“John looks like his favorite brand of scotch is butterscotch.”
“Doug looks like his mom taught him to kiss.”
“When John was 10, a lifeguard tried to molest him. It didn’t work, because it’s really hard to get a wet shirt off a fat kid.”
“Doug’s parents had him as a plan to save their marriage. The flaw in the plan was the idea that Doug could keep a woman.”
“John gets free tattoos from his tattoo artist wife. The only thing she won’t tattoo is his neck because who’s got that kind of time?”
“Doug and his womanizing father both use pills to have sex. The difference is his dad doesn’t have to put that pill in his date’s drink.”
“John is on the keto diet… ah fuck… I mispronounced Cheeto.”
“Doug and I went drinking for four hours before I found out he’s in AA. His sobriety is like Doug. You’ll only hear about it at roast battle.”
This inside joke was the first real flop of the entire battle after Doug’s joke absolutely crushes the room, putting Doug in a good position.
“John’s molester tried to seduce him using child pornography and to this day John still smells chlorine, every time he looks at child porn.”
“Doug, your brother died of food poisoning, your other brother’s a homeless schizophrenic and you’re a fucking loser. The only thing receding faster than your hairline is your family’s bloodline.”
The battle is so good, it goes to one more joke before they even go to the judges.
“John looks like his bologna has a first name, a second name, and its own shelf in the refrigerator.”
“Doug’s acting resume doesn’t list any roles but it says he can salsa dance, canoe, and speak French. He hopes to one day get cast as a class you can sleep through in college.”
Doug’s extra joke hits harder, clinching the win on a solid final battle. Fager earns the unanimous judges vote after a long, hot night of battles and his silly take on lifeguard molestation paid off.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.