“Americans love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle.” – George S. Patton.

Sweet quote right? Love quotes.

“What we do in life, echoes in eternity.”-Maximus Decimus Meridius, at the beginning of Gladiator.

I think both apply here. In any event…I’M BACK! Another great time in the ring, another gd loss. Ryan was so good. So funny. He took a live-action shot selfie of him sealing the deal. Prop comedy is risky in Battle. That’s the reason Tre’ (2-3, 26)  lost to Joe (6-1, 1) way back when. Btw…new ranks have been applied, however The Committee saw fit to wait for these Battles ended to do a full update. Congrats again to Joe for being Roast Battle Champion! In any event, Ryan definitely deserved the win. Even though he bulldozed through the first round,, not adhering to the rules, and dropped this cliffhanger;

“HE’S NO IRON MAN THOUGH.”-Ryan, reaffirming what we didn’t know we needed reaffirmed. #neverforget

But his jokes hit so hard despite a complete lack of understanding of the rules. Am I just that zingable? Both Ryan and Doug had room-rockers. Aaron Michael Marsh (0-1, 71), you gotta get back in the ring to prove you’re not some tomato can that makes my record half-respectable. The Committee is working on a new ranks system, adding divisions and such and a clearer explanation of how to work through the ranks and up to Main Events. The Committee wants you experience what we all get to up there in the Belly Room. It was my third Battle. I strolled up to Too Short, Bay native. I got owned by Coach Tea. And then the son of the guy who gave us Space Jam thought he had jokes. I really don’t like losing but that’s some of the most fun I’ve ever had on a stage. That’s why I chose that pic. I’m vibing with the Wave in a loss while Ryan realizes he’s paying the sitter OT. 

Thank you Ryan, for bringing hot fire to make it great appetizer to the Title Fight. Thank you to Moses, the Roastmaster and the Comedy Store. Thank you to anyone who reads or comes to the show. After all, this is a community project.

And now…sup w these judges?


The Roastmaster returns as a regular fixture! It was great chatting with him after, figuring out where that last joke went wrong. Heard he had a blast judging the final round! I was in the back cooling down from the loss for most of the Title Fight. Heard he took his shirt off? I’m glad I was in the back cooling down for most of the Title Fight. #yikes


Sarah Tiana is back! I don’t think she’s judged since before the birth of the Report but here’s picture of her crushing the stage at The Hella Show! What’s The Hella Show? Only one of the hottest new Friday night shows in town. Check your local listings. Sarah is a lovely lady but don’t let the gentle look fool you. She’s (3-0, 2) herself in Battle history. No zings avail for her. Congrats on the new job! #hella


Mo is very funny dude. His head is a huge and a bit blocky, but according to Johnny Drama, “the bigger the head, the bigger the star” so you know quotes aren’t always right. He hosts a show called “Barmageddon”, which is kind of like “Spouse Swap” with no spouses and alcoholism on display. So not too far from Roast Battle?

Time for previews bruh!

We have two newbies making up our undercard in Jamario McClain (0-0, UR) against Al Bahmani (0-0, UR)!


I guess this is how it’s gonna be moving forward. An undercard and Main Event only, but the Battle is always unpredictable so who knows. Al has a web site himself. I checked it out and when I woke up hours later I decided to see if Jamario had a less boring web site. It leads to his fan page where his last post got a like from someone named “JoyinBox MagDvdradio”. Keep up that grind. I’ll pick Jamario. I’ll likely regret it.

In our Main Event, The Orange County Crown (now with less syphilis!) happens tonight with Omid Singh (4-3, 10) against Keith Carey (4-0, 7)!


One day The Committee will sync with the pre-tweets and ranks. The ones in this Report represent current up to date ranks, then hopefully they will update before Friday.

THIS WILL BE MT. VESUVIUS! AND I’M NOT JUST REFERRING TO KEITH’S SIZE. These two are super funny, super good dudes. This battle will blow up the Belly Room. AND I’M NOT JUST REFERRING TO OMID’S ETHNIC BACKGROUND. I really don’t know who to pick here. They both have such funny, smart jokes. They’re both fan and judge favorites. I’ll pick Omid here with the upset that willl shake up the top 10. Should Keith win, however, that 5-0 could set him up for his own title fight against new champion Joe. Already nervous though…Keith is 4-0. But I believe in Omid.

“Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote, since someone else has already said it best, steal from them and go out strong.”-Danny Vinyard, American History X.

I am 26-16 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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