Look at how much fun everyone was having! I didn’t think Haitian angels existed. Why do Jamar and Haiti bring shirts anymore? This moment here would end up being the most fun we would have. At least the most fun moment that I’m allowed to document. Oh wait I can write about whatever I want? Oh sweet. Shout out to Troy Conrad for the dope shots. It’s awesome to see him prowl around the Belly Room and look for the best shots. And get the best shots he does! Check out his photography page and support his shows! Now on to tomorrow night! That’s right! Ya boy is putting on gloves and squaring up!
Aww! My little six out of ten is growing up! This shot is from a PSA about not getting stung by a bee and driving. In all seriousness, Val is my pal and a lovely gal. #nailedit. Her and I are a part of hot night of battles and I know I always say that but this time I get to have a hand in the hotness. Look out for Jay Light and a to-be-named guest reporter in tomorrow’s report!
Last thing! The Hella Show returns this Friday!
That’s right! My show is back and has a ??????/????? lineup! Reserve some tix here and come support the Belly Room on a night other than Tuesday! I’m gonna be blowing y’all up this week with this show anyway. You might as well get some seats now.
In the first battle of the evening, Sean Meyers and Brendan Woodruff let us all down!
This was a great battle. There were no jokes really. Neither person had stage presence. But it didn’t last very long which makes it a great battle for me. Sean claimed that people hit him up for roast jokes all the time but he was so bad. It’s kinda like when your little brother says he totally knows what boobs feel like but he clearly does not know what boobs feel like.
SEAN ON BRENDAN
“Five years ago Brendan lost over one hundred pounds and now he’s a dating a girl who found it for him.”
“You’re not allowed to have an opinion on rap music since you look like Frankenstein’s gay son.”
He was so confident. It’s battles like this that you really have to tip your cap to Coach Tea. He always has the right drop to save the moment. Brendan was no better. How many Brendans are there in comedy? Too many.
BRENDAN ON SEAN
“Being from Oklahoma, Sooner not only describes his favorite football team but also how fast he cums.”
“Sean’s a white rapper but it’s cool; he’s black where it counts. Socio-economically.”
The judges didn’t hold back. Al Madrigal claimed it was as bad as he’s ever seen. Kurt Braunholer gave it to Sean because he looked sadder than Brendan. Ari Shaffir suggested they do ten push-ups in lieu of naming either a winner or loser.
Hey, it’s not as bad as when Jeff Ross told those guys to get the fuck off the stage. This is the end of positive takeaways. Also that pushup form is awful. These guys can’t do anything right.
???/???! Full poo!
In the Main Event, Jeanne Whitney did enough to not lose against Michael Schirtzer!
Whoa, sup midriff. It might have been a bad omen when Jeanne said she wouldn’t let the Wave smash. Every other time a female/homosexual has agreed to a Wave Smash, the battle went off without a hitch. Just an obs. Michael “busted a flow” as usual and as usual it came across like this. I consider Mike more of a mediocre aggressive poet than a rapper. I also consider his jokes to have endings rather than punchlines. #thisisjustablog
MICHAEL ON JEANNE
“Jeanne looks like a hastily drawn Disney princess. She’s a regular ‘Chinderella’.”
“Jeanne’s mom is dead. Now it’s just the rest of that are disappointed.”
“Jeanne calls herself an actress but the biggest breakout she’s had was on her face.”
“Jeanne is like girl next door if you lived next to a meth lab.”
“Jeanne Whitney has fucked more black guys than her grandpa, who invented the Cotton Gin.”
JEANNE ON MICHAEL
“Michael’s a comic, a rapper and a slam poet; which makes him a triple failure.”
“When Michael raps, he’s in ‘the zone’. The ‘friend zone’.”
“Michael, you’re rap lyrics are so lame. I’ve seen better flows in my menstrual cycle.”
“Michael how can you rap about struggle when the only struggle you’ve known is being shitty at standup.”
“Michael’s mom is a writer, currently working on her ongoing series, ‘Rent Checks for Michael’.”
Ya know, when I listened back to the battle it was not that bad. There were some fun bits with the judges and Haters. But these two were a little too nice. Michael even complimented one of Jeanne’s jokes. It’s funny that Michael fancies himself a rapper, something generally requires a lot of charisma, and be so dull. The first round was great but the other two left us wanting more. Not more of these two but more something. Anything. White people make boring battles.
?/?????! At least it’s not the Poo Scale!
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Michael, you’re rap lyrics are so lame. I’ve seen better flows in my menstrual cycle.” – Jeanne Whitney
“You should change your rap name to the Notorious F.A.G.” – Keith Carey to Michael Schirtzer
I am 95-63 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.