Fun fact: there will be a smartphone somewhere in every picture ever moving forward. One can only hope that clown doesn’t make too many more. It still has never been explained to me. Handsome judges panel! Looks like a boy band twenty-year reunion photo. Just missing a Timberlake/Roastmaster. Hot night this past Tuesday. A nice little buffer until we resume tournament madness. Speaking of, get your bracket going and let me know! Pick the winners of each battle and round and who you think will win it all. I’ll have my completed one by the next preview. Only Keith Carey (1-0, RBR) has submitted one so far. Joe Dosch (1-0, RBR) is still the fav to win it all, being ranked first overall and outmatching the hilarious Rich Slaton (0-1, RBR) but Keith has to be his biggest threat. He essentially battles every week against judges, battlers and even fellow Haters. There’s a Hella Show spot on the line! Get it to me before Tuesday and I’ll keep track of them all. Maybe hand it to me tonight at 10pm in the Belly Room of the Comedy Store? The same place our precious Roast Battle takes place in? I mean there’s no cover and and it’s a hella good lineup worthy of a ????? / ????? rating. Reserve a spot here! Alright, one last plug and we’ll get to the recap. New sponsor for the show! LA SpeedWeed for safe access to medical cannabis! We
obviously do do not condone any other use for cannabis but in a medical capacity but if you must, LA SpeedWeed has your lazy back. One more Troy Conrad gem.
Oh nice! Look! In the corner! There’s me awwwwww. It’s nice to be included.
Once again, the ladies crushed it. The battle of the night was our first one as The Brown Girl (1-0, 35) took down April Lotshaw (0-1, 119) in the undercard!
Moses didn’t even have to ask these two to hug after the battle. They knew what just happened. They just delivered an early nomination for Undercard of the Year. Anna Valenzuela started it off “en fuego”, with one of the best pre-battle zings we’ve ever had,
“I’ve always wanted to destroy something beautiful…I guess I’m gonna have to settle for this bitch.”
Excellent. Against any other battler, that joke alone would seal an undercard. But April came to play with great jokes only a friend of Anna’s could write.
APRIL ON ANNA
“Anna spared her parents the disappointment of seeing her comedy career by letting them die first.”
“Anna’s an alcoholic. Her stomach’s never been pumped but it has been put on tap.”
“Anna’s been with enough damaged men to certify her pussy as a service animal.”
“Anna looks like Dora the Explorer after her second abortion.”
“Anna has a black belt in karate but still hasn’t figured out ‘wax on, wax off’.” – overtime joke
All five jokes were great. The “service animal” one is stuff of legend. The “alcoholic” one wasn’t as strong as the others but April still forced OT. Anna was too strong. She went five for five and had the room rocking after every zing.
ANNA ON APRIL
“You look like your meth lab also cooks cheese.”
“April, you need to stop working out. All you’re getting is washboard titties.”
“April’s so androgynous, her agent thinks she’s Ellen DeGenderless.”
“April has a DUI car breathalyzer. Her car is like her career; she’ll have to blow something just to get anywhere.”
“April has an IUD so the lonely family of spiders in her snatch will have a tree to decorate on Christmas.” – overtime joke
I need “Washboard Titties” to be a band name and then I need some merch from when they play Cabo. Anna probably locked down the award for “Most Acronyms Used in a Battle” award, which this writer can appreciate. April was so good but Anna was better. Great energy, hilarious jokes. She was still bouncing on the balls of her feet like she was Ali after her last joke, proclaiming to Moses that she had more.
? ? ? ? / ? ? ?! You ladies broke the scale! Congrats!
In the second undercard, Steve Alan Green (1-0, 87) pulling off the upset over Al Bahmani (2-2, 64)!
Was this an upset? Steve Green here may be a battle newbie but he’s been in comedy thirty years according to Moses. He started the show off going back and forth with Earl Skakel and the Haters table. Al, despite earnest efforts, did not have the punch to keep up with Steve.
AL ON STEVE
“What do Humpty Dumpty and Steven Alan Green’s name have in common? They both don’t belong on the wall.”
“Steven Alan Green is what happens when you bury Marc Maron in a pet cemetery.”
These jokes got a decent enough reaction from the crowd but his other jokes bombed, including a tag on a joke that didn’t make sense in the first place. Steve won handily with jokes from a time where “cunt” still referred a body part and not someone who cuts you off only to get back in their original lane seconds later. #guilty
STEVE ON AL
“The closest Al has ever come to having sex with a woman was licking his mother’s cunt on the way out.”
“Al’s Iranian name is Alborz, which, ironically, is exactly what he does onstage.”
Steve is like Santa’s second son, the one that isn’t primed to take over the family biz but is in and out of rehab and has one outfit. Good win bro!
? / ? ? ?! Juuuuust missed two. By “juuuuust” I mean Al’s ?s!
In the Main Event, Sina Amedson got “guaminated” by Guam Felix (4-0, 14)!
I am pumping out product/branding for people all day. “Guaminated”? Just toss me five percent bruh. It wasn’t the worst Main Event? That’s a positive review I swear. Everyone was still trying to ride the high set by the ladies in the undercard but neither came close. The jokes were fine but the best part of the night was all the different names Sina was called.
SINNA ON GUAM
“You look like a cabbage patch kid grown by Monsanto.”
“You hang with budget rappers, have 3 kids you don’t see and terrible credit. Act as black as you want, your dick will always be Asian.”
“You’ve been doing comedy 18 years. Which means your act is finally legally fucking you.”
“That haircut is actually known as a Q. As in a woman’s queue to cover her drink.”
“Guam can’t see his kids or the dick that made them.”
Sina is a great battler but he missed a few punches in this one. It was anyone’s battle heading into the last joke and Guam’s closer hit way harder.
GUAM ON SIENNA
“Sina got kicked out of the Iran military because he couldn’t throw rocks.”
“Sina was in a persian boy band called N-Stink.”
“Sina had roaches so they told him to bomb it so he crashed a plane into it.”
“Sina moved to Utah because it’s legal to fuck 5 different goats.”
“Sina is so gay his nickname is ISIS. It stands for I’m Sina I swallow.”
Guam didn’t have any bombs and his best moments out shined Sina’s best moments. Guam now joins only a handful of roasters that ever made it to 4-0 and he did against a seasoned veteran. Someone step up to the gd plate and hand him an L! Who did Jason Reitman, son of Space Jam producer Ivan Reitman, think won the battle?
“I’d like to vote for the ladies in the undercard.”
? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Anna’s been with enough damaged men to certify her pussy as a service animal.” – April Lotshaw
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“April has an IUD so the lonely family of spiders in her snatch will have a tree to decorate on Christmas.” – Anna Valenzuela
I am 74-46 in picks and my new tourney bracket is intact! Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.