As we start the night there is no Coach T, there is no wave, and Toby Muresianu is our only judge. I know as well as you, that Toby is worth five judges and twelve times his weight in gold, nonetheless Roast Battle felt a little empty at this point in the night. Fortunately, within the first battle he was joined by Yassir Lester, Jak Knight, Langston Kerman, and Chris Redd, and we’ve got a judge’s table full of absolute killers. Our Chant Master, Joshua Meyrowitz gets the crowd fired up with a “Battle” chant and we’re off!
Our first bout features Sarah Fatemi going up against Jarrod Lang.
Sarah is brought up to raucous applause, dressed like she’s in a Glam Rock band. As Moses begins to ask why she’s battling Jarrod, Jarrod hears his name and walks on stage prematurely. I use the term “walk” loosely here because he has a bum leg. Hey, that’s what he told me it was, I’m not going to argue with the man with a cane. Obviously, we’re not going to make him walk off stage and then back on stage, so he hangs out until it’s his turn. This is when, for reasons I can’t comprehend, Jarrod puts a sock on the microphone, discourse ensues, then he removes it. I’m into weird shit too, so no judgement from me, just curiosity. Sarah volunteers to go first and the battle begins:
Jarrod you’ve aged so poorly that I’m convinced your tattoos were drawn with heroin needles
Hello Hello, now I know I look like I got fucked up by Voldemort however Sarah plainly fucked broomsticks.
Jarrod’s married to a beautiful girl from Montreal. How nice of him to help the legally blind!
If you don’t know, Sarah is really into White dudes….When I first heard this I thought “Holy shit!….Wow….Really?!? Haven’t us white guys suffered enough?”
Jarrod looks like what the kid in the black trench coat could’ve been – and he should’ve gone through with his plan
Now I don’t know if this is true…and Sarah you can show me to prove it but I heard that your pussy is so ugly that the skin disease Leprosy started a go fund me account to pay for the plastic surgery.
This one wasn’t very good, but hey it happens. The judges tear into them genially, crushing with the crowd and building momentum off one another
“That ni**a vest came with his face” – Jak
“The director’s cut of Roast Battle” – Toby
Ari Shaffir joins the judge’s table and Moses immediately asks him if he likes Jarrod, to which Shaffir replies “No” and is met with uproarious laughter. This guy can read a room. The judges like (prefer) Sarah, as does the crowd, and she racks up her second victory.
Our second battle features David Nieker going head to head with Boston’s Tom Whalen.
They both come to the stage hot with lines that get solid reactions from the audience, getting them excited for a good battle. Tom continues to endear himself to the crowd with a beanstalk giant joke and proceeds to get consecutively bigger pops from the audience. David volunteers to go first and we’re ready to battle:
The main part of Tom’s last name is Whale, which is perfect, because the main part of Tom is Blubber.
Dave you look like you run a glory-hole in a coal mine.
Tom’s been the victim of two pregnancy scares in his life.one with his college girlfriend, and one this morning when he saw himself in the mirror.
Thank you cuck dynasty. Dave Nieker…. he’s a warlock in the streets but a grand wizard in the sheets
Tom looks like both: the guy at the health club who hands off towels, and the guy at the health-club who towels off handies.
Dave looks like a biker, his last name is Nieker and if a girl is over 12 he aint gonna like her
Tony Hinchcliffe shows up as this battle wraps up and delivers a “Making a Murderer” shot, instantly connecting with the crowd. David received some meek reactions, with a decent pop at his second joke. Tom absolutely crushes with the glory hole coal mine joke, and never lets his foot off the throttle. The audience absolutely loves him, but Jak Knight does need to inform him that the black judges took issue with his rhyming. Nevertheless, Tom was undeniable and the judges and audience unanimously pick him as the winner. Tom has completely outclassed his opponent in his last two battles. I hope to see him challenge some stronger competition in the near future.
Our final undercard of the night features actual enemies, Anyi Malik vs Kevin Munroe.
Kevin Munroe comes out to the stage, and two of the judges who are allowed to deliberate on the matter do:
“That ni**a looks like Nelson Mandela.”
“No he doesn’t.”
Both sides of the argument have been represented here, so no need for me to weigh in on the argument. Kevin is asked why he’s battling and he lists off 13 reasons why he hates Anyi Malik, not in reference to the show, just a coincidence that it was that many. Anyi comes up looking like an old school pimp. Anyi calls Kevin a bitch, and the preshow banter goes off the rails quickly, receiving a lot of encouragement from the audience and the judges. It takes a minute to get under control. We have some funny guys who genuinely want to be mean to each other and the audience loves it. Josh “Autistic Thunder” Meyerowitz is on fire with the chants. Tony Hinchcliffe declares this the “Best Roast Battle I’ve ever seen” and we’re ready to start the battle. Kevin volunteers to go first:
Anyi Malik got drunk and threw up on my carpet. And that’s the best material that’s ever come out of his mouth.
He was born in Trinidad. Grew up in Oakland. His hairline’s from Reseda.
Anyi Malik called me out for having a white girlfriend, so Im calling Anyi out for having a dead white girlfriend. That’s right, I’m the Pot calling the Kettle OJ.
I witnessed my last girlfriends death and I’ve witnessed you do standup. During both events, I wanted to kill myself. Fortunately, I only had to see the murder once.
Anyi Malik is such a soft fake thug, he starts internet beefs on Pinterest.
Having someone lie in front of people is AGGRAVATING. But when I think about how you were born into a village with no electricity, it makes sense to me how GAS LIGHTING could come so natural to you, since it was the first power source you knew.
Anyi Malik makes me think of of a basketball player- Brittney Griner from the WNBA… if she had a real pussy.
If you’re thinking Kevin got an extra joke in there, there was a lot of extra stuff said at the end. Before we even got to the judges, it went off the rails again. Kevin asked our wonderful host, Brian Moses, to shut Anyi up at one point, this had it all. The jokes were solid and they both had big moments, but if we’re being honest, the actual battle was more of a halftime show in this one, where the off the cuff genuine riffing stole the spotlight. The audience is split down the middle, and an overtime might’ve kept us there until 3 AM, so the battle is a tie. The traditional post-match hug is called for, which Kevin refuses. He goes as far as walking off stage before Jeff Ross (who showed up amidst the chaos) is able to reign him back in with an explanation of the hug’s importance. Basically, Roast Battle has very few rules, and probably the most important is the hug at the end. The hug is important because otherwise we’re just assholes saying mean things to each other, and this is a comedy show, not an asshole show. Asshole shows are actually really great, but that’s not what I was referring to. Anyi and Kevin put on a very good battle and a tremendous show, fortunately the hug happened, but to all you would be battlers, hug fast and hug hard. It was a tie, I said it earlier.
Saudi Prince is in the house, mother bitchez!!
Our Main Event tonight pits Leah Kayajanian against Paige Wesley.
They have a monumental task ahead of them, as they have to follow the entire soap opera that unfolded before them with a traditional roast battle. As far a I am aware, these two have no hatred, no reason to attack each others’ character. They’re just battling because they’re both extremely good at it, and have the insatiable desire to consistently prove it. The pre-battle banter proves they are more than up for the task, as they’re able to counter punch each other and build the audience into a frenzy. Paige volunteers to go first:
Leah is so Armenian her 23 and me results just say, “Bro.”
You look like you use corn dogs as tampons.
I am fat, we can’t all eat birdseed, Dude.
I’m surprised you can even recognize a bird when it’s not in a KFC bucket.
Leah’s only here to do two things call me fat and steal French Fries from tourists’ plates, and she’s already called me fat.
Paige’s fiancé is a carpenter so I guess he’s used to nailing houses.
Leah’s boyfriend is a barber, and I’m sure everyone expects me to make a joke about him cutting her pubes… but he’s trained with scissors not chainsaws.
You look like you practice standup into a turkey leg.
Leah wrote a book about her grandparents escape from the Armenian Genocide, or as the rest of us call it… fairy tales.
It’s crazy that your parents named you Paige considering how hard it is to turn you.
Wow, now that was a phenomenal battle. The judge’s praised both battlers extensively, every joke from both battlers was well crafted and hit hard. Paige delivered a performance that would warrant a victory on most nights, but Leah was absolutely on fire, as she continued her long-running reign as a top battler. Paige had good to great responses on all of her jokes, but Leah hit home run after home run, to secure a victory from the judges. Keep an eye out for both these battlers, if you want to be guaranteed a great show. Paige will continue to go toe to toe with the top battlers, and Leah could be eyeing the championship belt in the future.