Rain or shine, Roast Battle never ceases to bring the heat every Tuesday night at the Comedy Store. As staples that make this show Roast Battle, Boon Shok-A-Lok-A exits the stage while Chantmaster Joshua Meyrowitz begins the “Battle!” chant that reverberates and rouses the room.
Jeff Ross enthusiastically brings our beloved host Brian Moses to the stage, and then takes a seat on the panel of judges alongside Nicole Becannon, Frank Castillo, and Elon Gold. Moses then introduces another Roast Battle staple, the Saudi Prince. Saudi proudly exclaims that he is excited to “roast the homosexuals tonight. I brought a can of gasoline with me. I get it for free. I get it from work.” Brian then makes sure to give the judges their shoutouts and credits before he issues a Surgeon General’s warning to the audience as if to insinuate that not coming to Roast Battle now greatly reduces serious risks to your mental health. He warns them that this show is racist, misogynistic, homophobic, all of the “phobics”, and that they may leave there that night “feeling molested.” A warning they applaud and are on board for.
Without further adieu, Moses presents the audience with their first battle of the evening. The first Roast Battle virgin of the night, Esmarelda Villalobos, is brought up. She gets a lot of love from the audience, and Moses comments. “You brought your whole family with you.” Esmarelda enthusiastically responds, “Hell yeah! IE! Everyone give it up for the I.E.!” They do not give it up for the Inland Empire, which cues Coach Tea to play a buzzer noise which makes the crowd laugh. “Watch your iPhones everybody,” Moses jokes. Miss Villalobos then says that battling Hector tonight “will be easier than the girl he managed to get pregnant.” Hector Lara is brought up to the stage with a retort: “She thinks it’s going to be so easy, but I’m just going to smoke her.” The competition is strong with these two, and Esmarelda Villalobos volunteers to go first.
“Hector is a Mexican that sells real estate. Which means he can sell you a plot of land outside of a Home Depot.”
“Nice one, bride of Sam Kinison. People kept asking me how I was planning to roast Esmarelda. I told each and every one of them…’with an apple in her mouth’.”
“Normally Hector means business but tonight he dressed up looking like a charity case… FUCK!”
“I’m not saying Esmarelda’s diet is based solely on fast food, but her favorite sexual position is animal style.”
“I’d call Hector a wetback but just looking at him makes me dry.”
“Nice one, breastless in Seattle. Esmarelda looks like she’s been a battered woman her whole life. Battered in grease, lard, and butter.”
Hector swells with pride as he takes home his first Roast Battle victory. This rarely happens in an undercard, but we hope to see both of these skilled battlers back in the ring soon.
Moses brings up Rick Cisario next. “Well, he asked me. I’ve got brain damage. I have a low functioning brain and he has low functioning autism.” Austin Nasso is brought up to the stage next and when Moses asks him why he’s battling Rick, Austin launches into a boring backstory about how they met saying, “Rick and I both did the UCLA versus USC Laugh Bowl years ago. I think we both very bad lost very bad but now we’re making a comeback.” Rick volunteers to go first.
“Guys, I feel bad. Austin is a very charitable guy. Every year he donates ten inches of his eyebrows to make wigs for cancer kids.”
“Rick has epilepsy–,”
Austin now not only fumbles over his words, but nose dives down a flight of stairs.
“Sorry, I actually lowkey had a mini panic attack for real. Rick has epilepsy. He vibrates all day long and he still can’t make women cum.”
“You know, it takes a long time kind of like that joke. You gotta work at it! Austin has a girlfriend. She’s lovely. Austin’s girlfriend’s website’s headline is “life is short and death is imminent.” Dating Austin has caused her to start pinteresting suicide notes.
“Low blow from a man with no women in his life.” – Austin
“Did you not hear the applause?” – Rick
“I love you Rick!” – some woman lying in the audience
“Rick, you have epilepsy, you’re unemployed, and you are very ugly. The next step for Rick is off of a ledge.”
“Thank you, Austin Nas-burgers. Austin runs a podcast called ‘Working Comics’ where working comics give him advice . It’s just fifty episodes of comics telling him to quit.”
“Rick is Jewish and Italian. He has an oven for baking pizza and an oven for his family.”
The audience is gifted with another good battle. It was like a salad. It fills you up. It was fine, but it wasn’t the greatest meal you’ve ever had either. They both had good jokes and also so-so ones. The audience sinks their teeth into Austin and Rick.
“It was interesting to hear two voices that would be silenced in my country, but I give it to the prequel to George Costanza to the left”- Saudi Prince
“[To Rick] Are you related to Jeff Cesario? No, because he’s funny.” – Elon Gold
“Austin, I’ve never met someone with the personality of a kayak before.”- Frank Castillo
Nicole felt that Austin had great jokes, but that he just got too nervous. Unfortunately, that nervous energy cost him the win on this one. So, Rick wins his second roast battle, giving him a shiny 2-0 record. Between his joke writing ability and confident energy, it seems we could have a new great battler growing his wings.
Los Digits and Mia Mars is brought up first. Moses asks her why he’s battling Digits and she says, “I’ve always wanted a Mexican standoff but I guess I’ll have to settle for a Mexican jackoff.” Digits is then brought up to “lean like a cholo” with someone behind him with a camera phone, presumably live streaming him. He immediately launches into Mia.
“I heard you say something about a Mexican standoff? She’s not even an Egyptian stand-up.” – Digits
“I can see why you want to build a wall.” – Saudi Prince
“I want to build a wall in Iraq.” – Digits
Literally, nothing Digits says makes sense but he just commits to it so much, that it is funny. If it sounds like a joke, what are we to do?
“I wanted to battle her, dawg, because she was trying to steal a girl’s dog, and then a house fell on her.” – Digits
“We’re just impressed you read.” – Moses
“I watched the movie.” – Digits
Jeff and Digits go back and forth for a moment.
“Digits walked here from Florida.”- Jeff Ross
“I took the bus. I got the pass, fool.” – Digits
“You look like a security guard at Nipsey Hussle’s shop.” – Jeff
“You look like a security guard at a wig shop.” – Digits
After Digits makes sure to pose to every corner of the stage, the battle begins. Digits goes first.
“Hey yo Mia, you look like you got stoned before the show. By a whole village of witch hunters, fool.”
“You’re trying to burn a witch? You only burn tortillas. He’s the only cholo I know that doesn’t smell like ax body spray. Instead, he smells like pepper spray.”
“Mia’s last name is Mars. Just like the planet, there’s no signs of intelligent life. And all those meth craters on her face.”
“Digits punched his parole officer. Stop picking fights and start picking fruit. Or at least sell it on the end of freeway.”
“Hey yo I heard Mia is a freak in bed. She once told a guy to finger her asshole and he put two fingers in her mouth because he couldn’t tell the difference between her ass and her ass face.”
“Dude, you take longer to deliver jokes than you do to deliver weed. Dude, you’re on the outside now, you can quit pacing. Do you want to hold my pocket? Seriously dude, Digits refuses to tell me what he does for a living. I have a feeling he’s pumping that gasolina.”
A lot happened here, but it was mostly Digits pacing around the room and posing to people who were not taking pictures of him. Overall, Digits’ jokes did better with the audience and Jeff was impressed that he came in with stronger jokes this time around. I think Mia’s picking fruit joke was about to pop open the room for her, but she stepped on her own punchline with a weaker tag. The panel of judges brew up some chucklejuice about Digits and Mia, and Digits manages to get laughs by leaning into it.
“You both look like you steal VCRs for meth.”- Frank Castillo
“He’s still walking.” – Elon Gold
“This is how you work out for free, fool.”- Digits
“How many women have you raped? Like, double digits?” – Elon
The judges give it to Digits, and he takes home another win and another tattoo in the win column.
Moses moves us into our first main event of the evening as he brings up Tim McGorry.
“Tim, you smell like mustard.” – Moses
“It’s bleu cheese. Pizza Hut and bleu cheese.” – Tim
“Jesus, wash your hands.” – Moses
Moses then asks Tim why he is battling Billy Anderson, and he replies:
“Much like the women he was accused of sexually assaulting in Seattle, he forced me to.”
Brian brings up Billy Anderson next and asks him if he smells mustard. Billy replies, “Yeah. That’s how I found my way to the stage.” This gets a laugh right out of the gate, and Moses asks him why he is battling Billy. He replies, “ I just figured we had to battle before his heart gave out.” The crowd eats it up the way Tim forgot he ate mustard, and then Tim goes first.
“You look like Jeremy Renner and a fraggle had a baby and that baby sexually assaulted three women in the greater Seattle area.”
“I just appreciate that Shrek in human form appreciates consent. Tim once paid a guy to suck his dick to see if he was gay or not. Turns out Tim’s not into dudes, and after that neither was the guy who sucked his dick.”
“If Billy Anderson sexually assaults a woman in the woods, and no one is around to see or hear it, did it even happen? ‘Allegedly’.”
“It only happened because Tim paid to see a livestream of it. Tim looks like the spokesperson for Mountain Dew AND what it does to you. He’s sincerely the only person I’ve met who has Awake Apnea.”
“Billy Anderson’s favorite movies are rape– I mean, 8 Mile, Despicable Me Too, and Frozen. In fear of being sexually assaulted by Billy Anderson in the greater Seattle area.”
“Tim’s been failing at comedy for 15 years. He refuses to give up. The only thing he gives up on is stairs.”
“So, Billy is from Seattle. You know, Nirvana’s ‘Rape Me’ wasn’t a song about advice.”
“Like you’d know, you clearly only listen to ska. In 1986, Challenger exploded, Chernobyl melted down, and Tim was born. Its crazy, it’s wild, that three preventable tragedies happened in the same year.”
“Me Too? Billy is on like Me Six by now.”
“To be fair, the only time Tim says Me Too is when someone asks if they are getting seconds. Tim makes his girlfriend gag during oral but only when she accidentally looks up and sees his face.”
All the judges vote for Billy across the board. Frank Castillo put it best: “Real jokes beat sexual assault allegations every time.” Saudi Prince even brought in a zinger when he said, “I hate to see rape be brought up as a negative”. Billy Anderson wins, but Tim leaves knowing he did everything in his power to fight for those “three women in the Greater Seattle area”.
Next, Caesar Lizardo swaggers onto the stage. He says that he wants to battle Ashley Johnson to “confront an internet troll in real life”. Moses brings up Ashley next. Ashley jokingly shouts out, “white power, white power!”
“Let’s start this hate crime. You’re battling Caesar over here, he’s Dominican. Why are you battling him?” – Moses
“You just said it, he’s Dominican. Someone has to show him who the Alpha is.” – Ashley
Caesar offers to go first.
“Learning about Ashley’s childhood for this roast is a lot like watching an episode of making a murderer. His parents fostered at least twenty children in his home while growing up, and to this day he credits that as, “how to learn how to rape real good’. You thought you were done with rape jokes. Get ready for five more. Look at this fucker.
Caesar then tries to start a “rape” chant. But, there is only Chantmaster, and even he couldn’t start a rape chant earlier.
“My grandmother was killed by a rape joke” – Jeff Ross
“Caesar is a really popular guy. You might recognize Caesar as that dude that rubs cologne ads on himself at the Grocery store.”
“That last joke was a stretch, a lot like the marks all over your body. Ashley from West Virginia, born and raised. On the playground is where he spends most of his days.”
“I don’t know why but Caesar looks like he calls his daughter ‘ma’.”
“You know, Ashley? I knew you were going to come at my family but I thought it would be from a sliding door of a moving van. Ashley is a big ass dude so it’s not surprising he’s a bouncer. When he walks, his titties bounce.”
“Caesar, you dollar store Puerto Rican. I can’t wait until your daughter finds out her inheritance is just a bag of stolen credit cards.”
“Ashley is just jealous because his most meaningful relationships have been with his right hand and his dead. Speaking of which, his cat died recently, which is really sad, because he didn’t mean to kill it. And it’s the only time anybody has been able to say he murdered the pussy”
“RIP Day-Day. He was a good street cat. I’m kind of jealous of Caesar because I have a dad bod and he has an about to walk out on his family bod.”
“Thank you, Post Bologna.”
“You look like Drake if he started from the bottom and stayed there.”
“You look like Hagrid if he used magic to snatch up little kids.”
“That’s a good use of magic.”
“Ashley is the type of dude that shows little girls named Ashley his johnson.
“Caesar is a bartender so he knows exactly who he is roofie-ing every night he works.”
“You’re just jealous you don’t get all the chances that I do.”
It’s a great battle with a lot of terrible back and forths that were not well received. I guess a lot like this night, I also can’t stop making rape jokes. When it comes to the judges deliberating, they all give it to one guy, so Ashley Johnson takes home another win, and Caesar goes home to a lovely family and fulfilling life, so who really wins? Ashley rises to the top of the rankings, a lot like his floating turd he just sent me a photo of.
Well, there you have it, folks. If there was one thing to be learned from Tuesday night, it is how important energy is in this industry. If the comedian presenting their joke thinks it is funny, chances are the audience probably will, too. In Digits’ case, the audience laughed even when the jokes made absolutely no sense. Confidence, charisma, and likability can get you a long way in this game but very little can beat undeniable jokes. Just remember as Thanksgiving rolls around: the way to make a Roast Battle turkey is to trace your hand with only the middle finger up. That’s a one-feathered bird filled with verbal violence. Have a good one, and see you next week.