The belly room is sweltering and the crowd is feeling the heat as our panel of judges take their seats. We have Mike Lawrence, Nicole Becannon, Rick Glassman and Jeff Ross.
The first battle of the night was a virgin suicide featuring Kristin Stahlman vs. Matt Nino. Matt reluctantly volunteers to go first.
“First of all, give it up for Jabba the Slut, everyone.”
“I suck dick for fun, but you suck it for heroin.”
“We all have addictions, I used a spoon, you clearly used a fork. Blood is thicker than water, Kristin’s is thicker than jello.”
“Oh Matt Nino, you’ve overdosed 6 times, but we’re all hoping for lucky number 7.”
“Maybe tonight, who knows.”
“I mean, you haven’t overdosed on your first time, not even your drugs like you Matt.”
“Vanna White Trash everyone, I’d like to buy a vowel, an ‘ew’.”
“Typhoid Mary of Downtown LA, guys.”
This is an interesting battle to analyze, and difficult to understand the full effect of the battle without having seen it. Matt’s first joke got a huge hit, and I don’t think he was finished, as that seemed like just a pre-joke jab, but Kristin pounced during the laughter before he could finish. Kristin’s first joke was a good comeback, which the crowd always loves. Matt hit back hard with his 2nd joke, but the second part of the joke fell a little flat. Kristin’s second joke solidified her lead and like with Matt’s first joke, he merely got in a rebuttal before Kristin jumped in again with another joke. Now there’s no “rules” in Roast Battle about allowing your partner to finish their jokes, but there is an unspoken chivalry to which most battlers adhere, but Kristin did not in this case. Matt’s last joke was great, but there may have been a disconnect since Kristin looks nothing like Vanna White, so he lost the audience a bit in the setup, despite the punchline being great. Kristin’s last joke wasn’t even a joke, and then it was over, a big setup for a disappointing finish, much like Matt’s sex life. The judges and the audience gave the battle to Kristin, however we have to wonder if Matt had been able to get out his jokes if he would have been able to edge her out, because the jokes he did say were creative and mean.
Next up we had Kaitlyn Jeffers returning to take on virgin Brendan Krick. Brendan volunteers Kaitlyn to go first.
“Brendan calls himself voluntarily celibate because it sounds more intentional than ‘unable to cum’.”
“It’s true I can’t cum. Kaitlyn comes from a long line of Native American whores. All her ancestors died folding smallpox blankets under their knees to suck dick.”
“I actually thought Brendan might be part Native American because I know he comes from a long line of white rapists.”
“Kaitlyn’s pussy is such trash when she fucks other Native Americans they shed a single tear.”
“Brendan is the reason they had to start active shooter training at the lollipop guild.”
“Kaitlyn has had so many abortions, more Indians have died in her pussy than at wounded knee.”
Now that was a fun battle! Kaitlyn’s first joke was great, but Brendan expertly stole her thunder by admitting he can’t cum, and he followed it up with a great joke. Kaitlyn came with some really good jokes, but Brendan had it from the beginning and she wasn’t able to take it back. Brendan earned not one, not two but THREE audience chants off his jokes, including “How trash is it”, a weird (racist) war chant, and “how pussy was it.” Both of these battlers came with the heat and put on an amazing show. Brendan takes the win in a really impressive and tightly fought first battle, and we hope we see both of these two back again.
Next up we have David Centofanti vs Stephanie Wain. Stephanie volunteers to go first.
“David once lived out of his truck for a whole year. Which is remarkable. Dodge rams really can hold up to two tons of cargo.”
“Nice swing and miss post-op Draco Malfoy. But for real for real, you’re an amazing woman, you’ve done amazing things for the LGBTQA community, I’m really proud of you…things her father will never say to her.”
“You make Drake and Josh’s bulimia look worth it.
“Good one Ellen Degenerate.”
“You said that last time.”
“Wait what? Oh ya okay here’s this one. Her mom is also a lesbian, proving that once and for all it’s not a choice to end up in hell.”
“Cool cool. One time David was in “Cats” the musical, which was the only time he didn’t have to pay to see pussy.”
“Stephanie self-directed a student film in which she went topless, her tits are so small the film got a PG rating.”
“You’re just pissed bc you actually have pipes but you still can’t get them laid. David is so fat that when he starred in Fiddler on the roof… he played the roof.”
“I am fat and she’s a lesbian, we’re both a product of our choices, and sins. But she still lives with her ex boyfriend, she does, even before she was a lesbian she was dating pussies.”
This was an okay battle, it went off the rails a little in the middle and they weren’t able to get it back. Stephanie had the better written jokes but her delivery was really uncomfortable and she lacked any confidence, if she had believed in herself and her well-written jokes even slightly more, she would have demolished him. Mike Lawrence summed it up, “This was a battle between two very different people who were both unlikeable in the same way. She was much better, and he should never do it again.” While I do think David should try again, because it wasn’t a total disaster, the dad joke was pretty good, Stephanie was definitely better. If she continues to come with that quality joke writing and adds some confidence and having fun, she’s going to be a force. Stephanie takes another W.
The next undercard is Robyn Blake vs. Julian Fernandez. Julian volunteers to go first.
“I just wanted everyone to know that before the battle, I asked Robyn what her pronouns were. I didn’t know if people should identify her as a man or woman. I just know, nobody identifies her as a comedian!”
“Thank you Hannah Fatsby. Julian looks like the kid from Up if he had downs.”
“Thank you, Jean Claude Van Dyke! Speaking of muscles, Robyn used to be a body builder and everyone referred to her as Wonder Woman. Sorry, everyone Wondered if she was a Woman!”
“Thank you Super Mario Lopez.”
“You’re welcome, Swole Shady!”
“Thank you Kung Fu Panda Express.”
“No problem, Mac Miller if he died of AIDS!”
“Shut up you smug Samari Dyke. Julian’s ex girlfriend wouldn’t let him eat her out because NOBODY wants Tapatio on their pussy.”
“Robyn looks like when she cums she yells (in Sylvester Stallone voice HEY ADRIAN!!!!”
“That’s what your girlfriend said when I went down on her. Julian looks like a Mexican that got bit by a radioactive faggot.”
“Robyn changed genders 4 times last year. It’s a shame the only thing you can’t change is her parents’ views.”
“Julian looks like a heart throb who’s going to die from a heart attack.”
A great battle overall. Really fun riffing in the middle there with the back-and-forth of the “thank yous”, although Julian definitely had the more creative ones, since we’ve heard every variation of Hannah ___sby, and Kung Fu Pand___, Jean Claude van Dyke was brilliant. Robyn’s best joke was definitely the “kid from Up” joke, it was smart, concise and delightful. Julian was more consistent throughout and really brought the heat tonight. Both of these two are solid battlers, while Robyn lost this one, she’s not to be underestimated, she’s a great battler and as Jeff Ross said, “She’s a great character for Roast Battle.” One of her [very fixable] weaknesses is she has a tendency not to look at her opponents, which is a pitfall many new battlers have, and it causes a disconnect with the audience because the jokes are about the battler, so involve the battler with a little eye contact so the audience can attach the joke to the person. Julian takes a well-deserved win in this very fun battle, and has proven that he’s got what it takes to be a top 20 fighter.
The last battle of the night was NY vs. LA with Tom Whalen taking on Sabrina Piper. Sabrina is brought to the stage first and says she’s battling Tom just for fun. Tom comes to the stage and hilariously opens with, “I just want to say that I changed my gender FIVE times last year.” The audience eats it up and starts chanting, “Chaz Bono.” Tom wants to go first, undoubtably confident after the huge reaction from his opening riff.
“Sabrina looks like she can’t cum unless you fuck her while she’s asking her dad for money.”
“That’s crazy because am I asking him from the grave?”
“That’s actually very sad….Happy Father’s Day.”
“Looking at Tom is so nostalgic for me because I remember when I was also fat and wore a B-cup.”
“That was a good one, Weird gal skanky bitch.
“Thank you world’s oldest N*SYNC fan.”
“I don’t want to shame Sabrina for being a milenial whore, but her pussy does have its own Venmo.”
“Tom’s sister is a heroin addict. but his family is still so proud cuz she’s the only Whalen who’s career is shooting up.”
“Sabrinas pussy is so beat up and filled with black people it should be turned into a boys and girls club.”
“Tom is proof narcissism isn’t just for hot people. Tom’s dad is a high school football coach, but Tom’s still watched more teenagers shower.”
Another great battle! Tom was in top form tonight, from start to finish he was confident, at-ease and having as much fun as he normally does, but a little more settled than usual. Sabrina had some great jokes, but in signature NY battler style, she was reading off her phone and didn’t have the stage presence that Tom had. Her “narcissism” joke was her best joke and it was great, but it wasn’t enough to beat Tom. Tom’s genuine concern and sadness when he said, “That’s actually very sad,” endeared him to the crowd, and already gave him a leg up, but when he finished it by adding the joke of “Happy Father’s Day” it was fucking flawless, perfectly timed and brought the room back to the jokes. It was a great fight between these two, but Tom was so locked in, he easily took it. Tom is quickly becoming one of the best battlers currently battling and I foresee some serious top-10 battles for him in the near future. Get ready OGs, Whalen’s coming for you.