The Roastmaster has echoed the headline time and time again and man was it evident Tuesday night. There were mic problems at the top, Moses v Brody was contentious early on and the first undercard was literally a half-dud. But Coach Tea, as per uje, kept the vibe hot. And the Wave popped offffff. The Wave is like our “Doctor Who” from the popular British show except there’s a different one each episode and sometimes previous Waves return. We’re calling this one the Affirmative Action Wave. There’s a Castillo, a Watkins, and a Hunter. Hunter and Castillo are both Battlers, good dudes and very funny comics. Frank, along with Jay Light, will be joining the Roast Report soon! Watkins is the Swiss Army Knife of the Roast Battle. A part of almost every Wave, half of superstar music duo Regan and Watkins, and maybe even doing some good ol’ fashioned stand-up comedy. Check out his show “Stand-up On the Spot” on either coast. Best part about the Wave? They’re a huge part of the show and how great it is, but they also ENJOY the show.

The best comedy show is not a comedy show, but a bunch of friends with a microphone. And you can see that on display every Tuesday at 11:30.

A little housekeeping before we get to these reviews bruh. My computer and bicycle broke down on me this week so I apologize for the Report delay. Also, last week I announced that Roast Battle had a new IG! And then lo and behold, some super rando dusty-ass accounts started blowing up ya feeds. Classic 2k15 roasted catfish. Well being that this is the official Report of the Roast Battle, the only Instagram we have can be found at @verbalboxing in your search bar. That account may have more followers, for now, and have similar photos but…you know what? Follow them both. The more eyes, the merrier. But I remind you, @verbalboxing is the real deal, the rest are just fakes trying to hang on. Finally, Jay, whose computer I type on (thanks), will be taking over for me next week. 

THAT’S RIGHT. YA BOY (1-1, 38)  IS STEPPING IN THE RING AGAIN. This time against Ryan Budds (0-1, 73)! Same night as Fight of the Millennium, Alex Hooper (5-0, 1) going against Joe Dosch (5-1, 3), with the return of the Roastmaster and a special guest judge. Be there or be square af. Alright…lets review!

*30 for 30 voice*

“What if I told you that this picture was taken before the Battle? That Jacob would be a disgrace to the fighters on his shirt? Roast Battle presents ‘Can’t Even Hop: The Roast of Jacob Bunney.’”

I might not know how to use semicolons. I don’t mean to shit on the guy but man did he shit the bed. He actually benefitted from Brendan’s jokes being sooo good. Coach Tea obliterated him. I didn’t know there so many sound effects for sucking. This is how Jacob (0-1, ?) told me a joke was supposed to go. 

“I have questions for you Brendan, when you take your pants of in front of the hookers, do they expect you to be clean shaven because you’re bald or because you have a baby dick?”

Here’s how it…translated.

“skkmf Brendan fkldkkdjnf? glgllsj dick difnnnmdlpyi bad fodjdh?”

Which reminds me…don’t do drugs. Brendan (1-0, ?) demolished, btw.

“Jacob has diabetes, so everyday, he has to take an insulin shot, and if you’ve seen his comedy, it’s the only shot he has.”

“Jacob’s roommate stole his life savings to spend on heroin. She was able to buy one bag of heroin.”

“Jacob was born with a third nipple, and two of jokes have bombed, which means, right now, he literally has more nipples than good roast jokes.”

OUCH. At one point, he had remind everyone that Jacob was his friend, which is the best case of little brother shaming i’ve seen since my birthday in 1997.

“Nobody paid for this.”

“See? Jacob proved comedy is very hard.” 

-Moses, with wisdom.

Gets ? /? ? ? flame emojis. Brendan deserves more tho.

Next we had Olivia Grace (2-0, ?) taking down Tom Goss (0-1, ?)!

Omg what a shot by the Great Photog. Where is the Coors sponso? I thought this was going to be an easy vict for Liv because Tom’s first joke bombed. But after that he came back with hot, hot heat. The battle was awesome. Great jokes. Good chem. The Wave was into it. The OC produces high quality beef. Let’s get to the zings.

OLIVIA ON TOM

“I don’t wanna describe Tom as lumpy, but I found him in my breast and I only have a month to live.”

“Tom tried to kill himself and he has a joke about having a small dick. The only thing well-hung about him is how we’re gonna find his body.”

“My mom might be a junkie but that joke had so little substance not even she would use it.”-mega comeback.

Comebacks set the room on fire. So make sure you have one chambered, future Battlers.

TOM ON OLIVIA

“Olivia is so depressed she’s cut everything but carbs”

“Olivia’s wrists look like 9 completed sudoku puzzles”

“Olivia’s pussy smells like her last abortion is still in there.”

Right? Who knows what would’ve happened if his first joke didn’t bomb. Or if he was ready for the OT. That’s right, this went to sudden death. Tom’s bombed, unfortunately, but Olivia had another hitter and it was done.

“Tom’s on so many anti depressants his dick is softer than the room they keep him in.”

Gonna give this battle ? ? /? ? ? but is like the 2.7 or 2.8 of 2/3 flame emojis.

Our Main Event had Sina Amedson (3-2, ?) defeating Eric Oligny (1-1, ?)!

Only pick I lost. But Sina did a great job. I just didn’t know Eric would fall apart. He had a weird interaction with Brody and seemed to be unsure of himself the whole rest of the Battle. He had some good jokes?

“A lot people know I had my friends and family taken away, but at least mine was by the Comedy Store and not the US Army.”

“Sina is responsible for 9/11, I’m sorry 7/11.”

“I would love to see Sina land a show.
it would be comforting seeing a Muslim land something.”

They’re good jokes conceptually, but he just had zero stage presence or swag. Sina, meanwhile, came out swinging.

“Your only friend is Jack Daniels and even he wants to slowly kill you.” 

“The California drought is just the environmental effect of all the pussies drying up when Eric moved here.”

“When we met you said you were gonna go home and write ten jokes about me right away even though most of them would suck. Congrats on setting a goal and achieving it.” 

Wham bam roasted man! Congrats to Sina. Congrats to us. Yahoo to school.

I give this battle ? ? /? ? ? ? ?  flame emojis. I have no reason why.

JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“Tom tried to kill himself and he has a joke about having a small dick. The only thing well-hung about him is how we’re gonna find his body.”

One more time…Jay is covering next week. And @verbalboxing is the only Instagram we have.

I am 26-16 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This