It’s a special night in the belly room, as we have six brand new Roast Battlers. Regardless of stand up experience, Roast Battle is a very unique show that can be daunting to the most seasoned comedian, with a rowdy crowd and big name comedians judging your writing. This past weekend, I went camping and did some mushrooms. As I was hiking, and the sun was getting closer to setting, I became quite certain that I was being stalked by a Panther, and felt sheer terror. Then I realized, that if I am being stalked by a Panther, then I’m already dead and might as well enjoy the beautiful scenery around me, and I experienced the zenith of fear and wonderment simultaneously. That’s kind of what a first roast battle is like, feeling abject terror, but living and enjoying the experience any way. Mushrooms are great.
The stand up ends and the crowd is hungry for some verbal violence. Coach Tea is in the back, providing the tunes and reaction tracks with swiftness. The judge’s section contains several heavy hitters in Mike Lawrence, Cort McCown, Chris Redd, Nicole Becannon, and Frank Castillo. The chant master, Joshua Meyrowitz gets the audience riled up into a “Battle” chant, and the host, Brian Moses brings up our first battlers, Andy Van and Patrick Jara.
Moses asks Andy why he’s doing this to Patrick:
“Well, I fucking hate his guts, he’s a little Mexican cunt. I hope he gets married, his wife has two miscarriages, and then kills herself.”
The crowd eats this up, proving they’re bad people, and the battle is ready to begin, Andy volunteers to go first.
“Guys, in English.” – Moses
“Look at this dude, he looks like a fucking sleaze ball. Some times when Patrick drinks, he says the n word. And then when he drinks with girls, he ignores the other n word: Nooooooo.”
“That’s a rape joke” -Moses
“Thanks Harold if he ate Kumar. This is my first roast, and it’s Andy’s first roast, if you don’t include his family dog.”
“This is coming from a guy who looks like he got molested by cooler Mexicans. Patrick once tried to make fun of me for being Asian by saying, “Ah, you a speak a no english”. That was incredibly inaccurate, except for the part where I said spic.”
“Good one Mr. Miyagi with diabetes. Andy’s father was diagnosed with stage 2 liver cancer, which is still funnier than when Andy is on any stage.”
“Patrick, my dad’s cancer and your dad actually have a lot in common. Uh, they’re both gone. Patrick doesn’t like it when I call him wetback. Of course, it’s racist obviously. But actually, I never said that. I said, your dad isn’t coming back.”
“Thanks Bobby Lee Strasberg. You’re so Mexican, even your jokes are poor.”
“What does Andy’s comedy career and cancer have in common? You’re both slowly killing his father, but at least cancer doesn’t have a two drink minimum.”
“For the first time, you guys really got it down. You made fun of race and cancer, that’s what you do.” -Nicole
“I feel bad that your parents came to this country so that you guys can do that.” -Mike
This was a mean ass battle, and I loved it, and the crowd loved it. It can be a big risk to bring family members into it, as they are innocent bystanders and some times the crowd doesn’t go along. I don’t know if it’s a bigger risk, but I’m pretty sure this was the first battle where someone was made fun of because their dog died. Everyone’s dog dies. Sorry if you didn’t know. It’s a very solid first battle for both of them and solid first battle for the evening. Patrick takes the audience vote and his first victory.
Next, Moses brings up Garrett Ulrich and Daniel Zambrano.
“It looks like an E3 game conference.” -Moses
“Both these guys look like the last time they cried was when Chris Cornell died.” -Mike
Moses asks Daniel why he’s battling Garrett
“I really admire Garrett, he’s a great friend. He’s a father, a single father to a three year old. I really just want to know if he’s as bad at Roast Battling as he is at giving his (inaudible).”
“This is the battle between Jay and should be Silent Bob.” -Mike
Daniel volunteers to go first, and the battle is underway.
“Garrett, you look like Caitlyn Jenner if she were born with a pussy.”
“Daniel fucked a girl in the bed that her dad died in. His death was the second worst thing that happened in that bed.”
“I came pretty hard. Garrett is a chemist. His current project is creating a chemical that will bring his family back.”
“Daniel hooked up with a trans man. It was two pussies that aspired to be men.”
“That’s a good one from a guy that looks like he fucks with his sandals on. Garrett’s parents are cops. Yeah, the only thing that matters less than black lives to them is their son’s.”
“Guys, keep it going for Spic Kroll. Daniel makes nicotine vape juice. It’s not the first time he’s tried to get his juices into a teenager’s mouth.”
“It feels like if you isolate the two defining traits of Keanu Reeves.” – Mike
“This looks like supercuts vs guy who cuts himself.” – Cort
“Daniel, you fucked a girl in a bed that her dad died in? I love that you’re the second guy to ghost her after being in that bed.” – Nicole
This is another strong showing for a first battle. The judges are split, but Daniel wins the audience vote decisively, notching his first victory.
Our final undercard of the night is Chris Conatser vs Clay Newman.
Chris is brought up first and Moses asks why they’re battling.
“Clay and I used to run a show a few years ago, I’m just used to carrying him on stage.”
“This guy looks like me, if I really let myself go.” -Cort
“Or me if I stayed exactly like I am.” -Mike
“I like how many of these virgin battlers look like actual virgins.” -Nicole
Nicole’s joke is supported as Clay is brought up. Although not really; he’s weird looking, but the kind of intentional weird that for sure has sex in his hometown of San Francisco.
“Is this Roast Battle or Mythbusters?” -Cort
Chris goes first and we’re under way.
“Clay looks like a mugshot of Willy Wonka’s #MeToo moment.”
“You really want to start with looks? You look like an off-work mall Santa. Chris is the least intimidating person I’ve ever seen with a neck tattoo. I’d be willing to bet he also has a tear drop tattooed on his thigh for every woman he’s disappointed.”
“I have three tear drop tattoos on my thigh, and they’re not colored in. Clay smokes a lot of marijuana, and that’s ok. But Clay smokes way too much weed, it’s gotten to the point where he’s in hysterics over his own comedy… and it’s fucking terrible, I should have brought that up.”
“You’re not a weed guy, I get it. You’re more of a roofie dude. I know Chris intimately, I’ve heard about his relationships. Chris is like a Hollywood romance, making love to him it’s slow, it’s boring, it’s predictable, it’s pubes are 50 shades of gray.”
“You look like a baby bird rolled in a bowl of pubes. I love Chris so much, he’s been a huge influence, since I met him, on my entertainment choices. Since I met Clay, I’ve become a big fan of Mel Gibson.”
“Chris is a feature level comedian with MC level credits, that does not know how to drive a car, which as we call it in the business, unbookable. Please do not quit your job at Black Angus, it’s the only time you’ll hear the phrase well done.”
“This looked like a battle between two guys who watch new episodes of the Simpsons.” -Mike
“You both look like you fucking cruise for girls at Lenscrafters.” – Cort
“You both look like you did shit for the remake of Workaholics: the porno.” -Chris Redd
“It’s really great to see the writers from the last season of Game of Thrones.” -Nicole
In a night filled with impressive rookies, these two shined the brightest, delivering a strong fun battle, with the charm that comes from good friends shitting on each other. Virgin battlers can be a disaster, but they came through big tonight, and hopefully we’ll see these folks again soon. The judges and audience give praise to both sides, but decisively choose Clay to collect the first victory.
If the first six roast battlers were virgins, then our main event features a couple of dirty, disease ridden whores as the city of Angels own Sarah Keller takes on the big apple’s James Pontillo.
Sarah is brought up first and Moses asks that question he asks a lot.
“He called me out. I think it was about time a woman said yes to him.”
James is brought up and the judge’s can’t help themselves.
“This looks like a girl who’s finally confronting her rapist.” -Cort
“This looks like a battle that started because he told her to smile more.” -Nicole
“How many Ted Bundy remakes are we going to get?” -Mike
Moses asks James the question.
“It was the only way I could get her to talk to me.” -James
The audience is ready and hungry for seasoned vets, and the battle begins with Sarah offering to go first.
“James looks like he asks what the return policy is on his prostitutes.”
“Sarah comes from Minnesota, and she told me that she actually hates the Twins… that she aborted last summer.”
“I’m from Minnesota, the land of lakes. James is fascinated by it because he’s never seen a woman wet. James is catholic, every night he prays that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John don’t escape the basement.”
“Sarah is a born again, which is ironic because none of her fetuses got to be born once.”
“James hasn’t had sex in three years and he still lives at home. Another way of saying that, is James’s mom died three years ago.”
“Sarah grew up on a farm, which is where she learned to properly milk a rape allegation.”
“It’s funny because James actually lost his virginity to a cantaloupe and it’s still the best sex he ever had.”
“Sarah looks like JonBenet Ramsey if only her tits went missing.”
“You can stop looking at your phone, it doesn’t have your father’s approval in there. James actually has very devoted fan, ceiling, box, oscillating, all working together to keep his fat ass cool.”
“You know, Sarah and I have a lot in common: we’re both young comedians and we were both raised by single parents, and we both tried to suck my dick.”
“No one believes that.”
“Yes they do.”
“You came out with back to back abortion jokes, and if we look at her, we all know she’s had multiple abortions” -Cort
“It’s great that if Sarah lived in Alabama, James wouldn’t have had two opening jokes” -Mike
“The couple from every rom-com from 2004-2006” -Chris Redd
This was a great battle, with both battlers landing huge consistent hits. James gets the biggest laugh of the night on the milking a rape allegation joke. Sarah hits hard with comebacks and follows up with big laughs on her main jokes as well. The judges praise both heavily, most calling for an overtime. Nicole picks Sarah and Frank votes for James, the tie happens and we get an over time. James goes first.
“After Sarah’s dad walked out on her, she started working with horses because it’s the closest she could get to a stable home.”
“James is just intimidated by my horse riding skills because he heard I can last longer than eight seconds.”
James’ joke falls flat, as puns on the word stable historically do against Sarah. Sarah’s joke hits hard and the judges unanimously pick her for the over time victory.
In closing, Sarah’s sex with a cantaloupe joke reminded me of another joke. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. Good night.