After a string of relatively bare-bones nights in the Belly Room post-Season 3 tapings, this week’s is the barest yet, with six comics cancelling or no-showing for the pre-show standup and a battle dropping last-second due to illness. No Wave. No Saudi. By the time things kick off at 11:10, Jeff is still making his way to the club. From the jump, it’s shaping up to be a weird one. Even the “BATTLE!” chant isn’t quite right.
“There’s, like, six black people in here and it’s still off beat. I don’t know what the fuck is happening right now!” – Moses
After the crowd is whipped into a frenzy and the judges are introduced, the night’s first fighters take the stage: Jesika Hansen and Ryan Maza, who are fighting thanks to an Instagram challenge. The judges weigh in.
“She looks like she just called the cops on the BBQ. Not because she’s racist. Because he wouldn’t share. – Pat Barker
“This looks like a Tinder date where the guy finds out she has a really annoying laugh halfway through.” – Frank Castillo
“I like that that jumpsuit accentuates the face that you both wore a fanny pack.” – Anna Valenzuela
Jesika opts to go first and comes out with all the confidence in the world.
“Yo, Ryan looks like that cheap-ass dude that takes his dates to Applebees 2 for $20. He also looks like he eats both meals.”
Just as the crowd begins to laugh, she steps on her own punchline with an ill-timed act out using what can only be described as “dumb fat guy voice”:
“Separate checks please!”
“Thank you, #ThickThighsGlucoseRise. Jesika looks like the kind of girl who’s both leaving and going to an abortion clinic.”
“Wow, I don’t even know what the fuck that means!”
Join the club, Jesika.
“Ryan loves guns, but really he’s a pussy. The only time he’s actually been strapped was when he paid that hooker to fuckin’ peg him,”
“If you don’t recognize her, she was in a parody video of actual Barbecue Becky, but to be honest, she’ll never turn down dark meat. Let’s be honest.”
“I will not. But you know what? That video got 30 thousand views. The closest you’re ever gonna get to 30 thousand views is when you stalk my fucking Instagram page.”
Coach plays a sad trumpet while Josh Meyrowitz offers up the saddest, most halfhearted battle chant of all time. Moses calls last joke and Ryan stalls. After Meyrowitz yells “JUST FUCKIN’ DO IT!”, Ryan gets moving:
“Honestly, honestly, the worst thing about her is not her New York accent, it’s her breath. Let’s be honest.”
The crowd is hostile by now, chiming in with sad trumpet sound effects of their very own. Anna Valenzuela asks Ryan if that’s all he wrote, and he angrily responds “yes!” before Moses takes the stage once more. Jesika protests, claiming that she only did two jokes and a rebuttal and not three jokes. Moses shrugs and hands her the mic once more.
“Ryan, you’re a lot like your motherland of Guatemala: tiny, broke, and insignificant.”
“WORTH IT!” – Frank Castillo
After a quick plug of Julie Seabaugh’s book, Moses proclaims that the fight was more of a poetry slam than a roast battle and takes it to the judges.
“Here’s the thing. First of all, I loved that when Moses tried to stop the battle, you were like ‘I didn’t get three jokes yet!’ Let me clarify: you didn’t get any jokes…I don’t know if it’s the new creepy mustache or what, but Josh Meyrowitz was on fire that whole battle. I want to give it to him.” – Pat Barker
“It’s so hard to Roast Battle, it’s so hard to do it for the first time…that being said, I want to give it to Josh Meyrowitz.” – Anna Valenzuela
“Virgin suicide? I want to commit suicide…yeah, I gotta vote for Meyrowitz.” – Frank Castillo
After the audience votes on what feels like a formality, Josh Meyrowitz finally walks away with his first-ever Roast Battle victory. The three of them group hug and it’s time to move on.
The night’s second matchup features Portland transplants Jacob Christopher and JoAnn Schinderle. Jeff Ross shows up just in time with Sam Morril in tow.
“What’d I miss?” – Jeff
“Nothing!” – Moses
Moses introduces our Portlandians and the judges weigh in:
“This looks like what East L.A. is gonna look like in ten years.” – Frank Castillo
“These guys look like they spent all afternoon setting their Nikes on fire.” – Pat Barker
JoAnn opts to take the first swing, and boy, does she swing.
“Jacob looks like the kind of guy who waits until you’re dead before he fingers you.”
“I don’t wanna call her a whore, but she’s only here because she ran out of comics in Portland to fuck. She fucked so many comics in Portland we just call her Harvey’s.”
Jacob’s joke is way too inside baseball and doesn’t land, but at least he’s self-aware about it:
“That’s an inside – I get it. I understand.”
“Jacob’s very used to rejection. He’s actually had two failed suicide attempts, which means even the afterlife is like ‘mmm, we’re good.'”
“JoAnn is a free bleeder, which means her vagina looks like an open can of tomato soup most days. Her sheets have so many blood stains you’d think she had a couple of kids no one will ever know about.”
“Whatever! Jacob’s head looks like the towel I free bleed on. Believe it or not, Jacob has a girlfriend, but he’s had to convince her that his herpes are just 3D freckles.”
“JoAnn is an avid supporter of the Black Lives Matter movement, but not if you’re growing inside of her. She has killed more black kids than the LAPD.”
After a slow-ish start, the battle ends with massive pops and big laughs all around. Ultimately, the judges praise Jacob for ending strong but pick JoAnn as the winner…
“Ginger guy was bad, blonde girl was good!” – Frank Castillo
…and the audience follows suit. Finally, we introduce the night’s main event: a five-joke fight between undefeated Billy Anderson and Armando Torres.
“Armando’s mom gave birth to him at the age of 17, and Armando started standup at 17. I think it’s beautiful that they picked the exact same age to waste their lives.”
“Billy’s last girlfriend left because they wanted different things. She wanted kids, and he was afraid they’d come after his Lucky Charms.”
“That’s rich coming from a Mexican Shrek. Armando’s mom actually wanted to have an abortion when she was pregnant, but she couldn’t afford it because they charged by the pound.”
“Billy thinks he’s ready to be a star, mainly because he spent most of his life in a trailer.”
“Armando had a benign tumor in his throat, which was a pretty big deal – when they removed it, it was the last time he’s lost weight.”
“Billy is proof that the South might rise again, it just might not rise above 5 foot 4.”
“That’s rich coming from a man who looks like he’s cried after killing an animal due to accidentally petting it too hard. Armando’s 22 years old, despite what his heart would tell you. He’s actually dating a woman in her 30s. You might call her a cougar, but he just calls her ‘new mom.'”
“I used to be homeless, but Billy’s last roommate wound up dead and his current roommate just called him a creep on Facebook, so it’s actually safer to live on the streets of L.A. than with Billy Anderson.”
“He’s talking about my suicide death roommate, previously. I think he’s just mad because he can’t find a rope strong enough to hang himself.”
“That joke gets funnier every time I hear it.”
“Armando was born in Indio, California, home of Coachella. And just like Coachella, he’s a bloated mess that only pretentious white women like.”
“That’s for you, baby! I might be Mexican, but in Catholic school, this choir boy actually earned the name wetback.”
Armando wraps it up by pretending to jerk off. The judges weigh in.
“Armando, I’ve never seen a 350-pound guy with legs that skinny. You look like the Transformer that turns into a taco truck.” – Pat Barker
“I liked this battle. This looks like two guys firing their friend from the construction site.” – Frank Castillo
“This is like two contractors who don’t know they’re gay yet.” – Sam Morril
Anna and Jeff offer up a little more analysis on Billy and Armando’s respective styles – particularly Armando’s soccer announcer delivery in the face of a mic constantly cutting out – and ultimately Billy walks away with the win four votes to one. Billy’s perfect record goes untouched and the show is over before 11:45. Sometimes weird ain’t all bad.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.