After an extremely quick round of stand-up and another classic performance from Boon Shok-A-Lok-A, it’s time for Roast Battle. We’ve gotta go quick: Dave Chappelle needs the room by midnight. The energy is already crackling as the night’s judges are introduced: Frank Castillo, Alex Hooper, and Lara Beitz.
Before things even really get started, there’s a weird interaction where an audience member calls out right-wing British media personality Katie Hopkins for being in attendance. Moses shuts down the entire interaction quicker than you can load the Wikipedia page you’d need to figure out who the fuck this lady is. Connor McSpadden, watching from the VIP section tonight, chimes in to help out before the women can do too much yelling at each other:
“Thank you very much, Jane Lynch, we’re going to get back to the show.”
The tension is palpable as Ms. Hopkins refuses to stand down. But Moses, expert host that he is, knows exactly what to say in order to assure this concerned fan that the show will go on without a hitch:
“We’re not defending any racists or homophobes in here… but everybody tonight is a racist, homophobe, misogynist.” – Moses
As security steps in to sort out this posh Mexican standoff, Moses gets the crowd clapping and brings on our first battlers: Pete Souvall and Harper-Rose Drummond.
Pete seems quiet at first, but pipes up soon after Harper takes the stage and is asked why she’s battling Pete.
“I wanted to battle Pete because he was abused by his ex-girlfriend, and I wanted to prove that she’s not the only one who can beat this cuck!”
“I’m just excited to be the first man to make her cry in 2020.”
When Moses asks who’s going first, Harper makes another crack about Pete being a little bitch. Smart move. The little bitch has no choice but to go first.
“Harper is epileptic and bisexual. That just means that she seizes any chance she can to get attention.”
“Oh, Pete, I would rather be knocked out by a seizure than by a girl, so… Pete, oh Pete, Pete Pete. Pete, I was raped, but I’m still the only one on stage who’s never cried during sex.”
“Harper, you look like you would brag about being the hottest girl at the psych ward. I really, really wanna beat Harper tonight, but I don’t wanna lead her on, because the last guy who did that, she dated him for, like, three years.”
“Thank you, Marshall Doesn’t Matter. Pete, oh my God, Pete and I actually have a lot in common. We were both beat by our ex-girlfriends. But unlike Pete, I didn’t call the police, ‘cuz I’m not a little bitch, so…”
“Thank you, Sad-alie Portman. Harper and I do have a lot in common. I’m an alcoholic, and an ex once pushed her down a flight of stairs. So we’ve both felt the impact of twelve steps.”
“I can take a punch better than you can take a joke, though, so… Pete I’m just so confused. Because I don’t understand how you look like you’re at stage two of leukemia and Warped Tour.”
If you hadn’t told me these two were Roast Battle virgins, I wouldn’t have known. They perform like pros, bringing strong jokes and playing off each other well. It’s a great way to kick off the night, and aside from the standard snide judging remarks…
“Harper, you’ve clearly made mistakes, Pete, you decided to write yours all over your body for some reason… you look like an episode of Stink Masters.” – Alex Hooper
“This is like if Pornhub presented Roast Battle.” – Frank Castillo
…there’s nothing but praise from the VIP panel for these two. Sherry Cola of Freeform’s Good Trouble shows up to join the judging panel as things wrap up.
“Am I late for the brother-sister street theatre?” – Sherry Cola
She is (only because we’re starting this thing crazy early!) so we throw to the audience vote. It’s close, but Harper-Rose edges it out.
Up next, Josh Edelman and Mary Elaine Ramsey look to keep the momentum going. Mary is brought to the stage first. When asked how she knows Josh, she replies with the perfect amount old Hollywood acidity in her voice:
“We’re just friends.”
This gets a huge laugh, which only increases when Josh gets to the stage, looking like the mayor of the Friend Zone. Autistic Thunder starts chanting “they’re just friends!” and the crowd gleefully joins in.
“I feel like I’ve seen this episode of Fleabag, I’ll be honest with you.” – Moses
Josh, looking to make sure he’s fighting on a level playing field, is ready when Moses asks why they’re battling.
“By now, Mary’s hopefully figured out that the acting and modeling thing won’t work out. I’m just here to teach her that the comedy thing isn’t gonna work out, either.”
Mary, rolling with the punches, claims first joke, and we’re off.
“Josh, look at yourself. The only shot you have at a Hollywood career is if Disney makes a live-action Ratatouille.”
“Okay, Devil Wears Marshall’s. Mary works at one of LA’s most exclusive restaurants, serving some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. And it’s the closest she’ll ever get to food.”
“Well, Josh, thank you. I certainly have no appetite standing next to you. You know what, Josh? You sound like a whiny baby, but you look like the pedophile that fucked it.”
“That’s rich coming from you, Mary. You’re such a gold digger your biggest childhood regret’s probably not meeting Jeffrey Epstein.”
“Yeah, well, honey, not even Jeffrey Epstein could get you laid. You know what, Josh? I know you would never date rape anybody. No upper body strength.”
“Mary lives in West Hollywood, she loves Bette Davis, and she uses words like ‘hashish.’ You’re like a gay man trapped in the body of a gay man that’s dying of AIDS.”
“Josh is a comedian, a documentarian, a magician, and a photo booth operator. Or, as 40-year-old incels call it, a quadruple threat.”
“Mary’s also a magician. She made all her body mass disappear using just her fingers.”
Josh finished up with a bulimia act-out, scoring big laughs. The judges, now joined by everyone’s favorite Roastmaster General Jeff Ross, weigh in.
“Awesome. Dave Attell’s little nephew versus some chick he’ll never fuck.” – Jeff Ross
“The thing about you guys that I don’t like is what I don’t like about living in LA, which is that [Josh] feels better about how [he] look[s] than [Mary] does. I don’t like you, but I think you had better jokes.” – Lara Beitz
“I do love Mary, but she looks like a mannequin at Forever Cunty One.” – Sherry Cola
“Josh is fuckin’ ugly, and this is all he’s got… [Mary,] you’ll find a guy that’ll believe in you someday.” – Frank Castillo
The judges give both fighters plenty of praise but show a bit more favor towards Josh. Moses calls for the audience vote. Mary keeps it competitive but Josh wins.
In our last undercard of the night, two rising roasters – Gary Curtis and Kim McVicar – seem ready to wow the crowd. They come out riding the good vibes from the first two fights, and get right after it when Moses asks why the two are battling.
“We’ve been friends for years, and I wanted to prove that I have one kinda black friend.”
“I was just hoping the cops don’t get called and we don’t get in some kinda Mike Vick situation, with me fighting this dog.”
“White woman, black man… it’s a battle as old as time.” – Moses
Kim opts to go first.
“Sex with Gary is like an abortion, in that you can’t help but think a coat hanger could have done the same job.”
“I’m thicc, though! Just let it be known.”
“Still curvy, though.”
“Kim was raised by a single mom. Her dad died, her brother died, and she has another brother in prison. She danced for Diddy… Kim is black as shit! The only thing blacker than Kim is her closet full of funeral outfits.”
“It’s just because Gary’s been in my closet more than I have. Gary’s like Cuba Gooding, Jr., in that he’s assaulted so many women his catchphrase is ‘show me the cunny!’ (it starts to work but then she cuts in again too quick) That’s a historical word for pussy, I know you’re just a gym teacher.”
“Jokes are better when you explain ’em.”
“I try to mansplain for you. Okay, go ahead.”
“Thanks. I mentioned Kim’s brother died. Kim’s brother actually died of AIDS. Her voice was so annoying… it was hearing aids.”
“No, Gary fucked him in my closet.”
“You wish I would get that close to your bedroom.”
“No, I don’t fuck gap tooth. Gary’s online skits are like rape, in that you can’t wait for them to be over, you’re too embarrassed to share them with anybody, and Gary thinks you asked for it.”
This joke doesn’t land as hard as you might expect a well-crafted rape joke would during Roast Battle. Why, you ask? Because Kim makes the extremely strange call to pronounce it “ripe.”
Before people are left scratching their heads too long, a kind soul in the audience helps clarify what Kim was trying to say.
“Rape. She said rape.” – kind soul in the audience
“I said rape. I’m a Canadian, that’s how we pronounce it. *extremely Canadian voice* Sorry.”
“It’s alright, I’ll end this. Honestly, it’s been hard to focus on anything that you’ve been saying, because I just wanna throw money at your face, because that butt on your chin won’t stop twerkin’ while you talk!”
After the mispronunciation debacle and an extremely long closer from Gary, the battle ends on a weird note. Ultimately, it’s not as strong of a battle as the first two, but it’s fun nonetheless. The judges weigh in.
“This is like a community college rendition of Save The Last Dance.” – Alex Hooper
“Kim looks like she can open a beer can with her vagina, and that’s what I respect in a 2020 world. And I’ve actually never seen fake Timberlands up close.” – Sherry Cola
“She what are those’d you!” – Moses
“I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t like a moment of this very much.” – Lara Beitz
“This is my favorite episode of Basketball Wives. Kim, you’ve got the chin I hope my son will have.” – Frank Castillo
Kim gets the judge’s vote, but Gary wins the audience vote, and since that’s all you need to win an undercard, he maintains his perfect record.
Finally, a main event that, on paper, sounds lopsided: TV’s Joe Eurell versus the Comedy Store front patio’s Guam Felix!
“Joe, I’ve never seen you battle where you’re not the underdog.” – Jeff
The intros are a tad awkward, but the energy seems fun, and Guam is clearly ready to rock and roll. Let’s battle!
“When Joe was born, the doctors couldn’t tell if he was a boy or a girl. So on the birth certificate, they just put down creature.”
“You can tell Guam is from the South Pacific because he looks like he should have an apple in his mouth.”
“I love apples, I love apples. When Joe was a little boy, he did not see his sister for ten years. Because she refused to go down into the basement.”
“Thank you, Hungry Krishna. Guam won 50 grand on Let’s Make A Deal. So Guam’s only TV credit is having Wayne Brady pay for his child support.”
“Joe’s been suicidal. One time he tried to kill himself by farting in an elevator.”
“Thank you, hidden – thank you, Hidden Tiger – aw, fuck it, whatever.”
“Crouching Tiger!” – Jeff Ross
“Yeah. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fatass. Thank you. It was worth it. That wasn’t my joke, though. Guam feels ignored by women. Guam, be real. Everyone ignores you when they get their ID back.”
“Very true, very true. When Joe was little, his parents beat him up so bad he tried to call and get help. It took him nine hours and eleven minutes to dial 911.”
“Well, speaking of broken families… y’know, Guam got divorced and became a bouncer, because his ex taught him how to kick out a deadbeat.”
“Joe is the new spokesman for a drink for people who fall out of their wheelchairs. It’s called White Crawl.”
“Guam, that ponytail is the worst dangling piece of shit I’ve seen since Jeffrey Epstein. Your shampoo bottle should read ‘lather, rinse, put your head in the oven.'”
It’s a banger top to bottom! This is what a main event looks like. The judges say some kind words:
“Good job to Joe and Cock-wafina. This duo literally is Crip Wok.” – Sherry
“Welcome to the end of Tinder, everybody. You’re looking at it.” – Hoop
“This was like an anti-wrestling PSA. This was vicious. You guys went back and forth, it was like Guam tried to eat the largest curly fry.” – Frank
“I really enjoyed this battle between Guam and someone shaped like the Bahamas.” – Jeff
While Guam gets a ton of praise for his basement joke and for his general demeanor during the fight, Joe takes the judges’ votes unanimously. In a true Roast Battle miracle, we’re out before midnight!