It’s Tuesday and that can only mean one thing. It can actually mean lots of things, but for the single minded purpose of this blog, it can only mean Roast Battle tonight! We’ve got one confirmed judge, Cort McCown, who is a staple at Roast Battle, always providing shrewd criticism and big laughs. He’s sure to be joined by some of the funniest comedians in the world, as is the case every week.

Everyone loves MTV’s The Challenge, but we had to accept that some of the most fierce competitors of our day were washed up and past their prime. So, in this most recent season they brought in 15 new competitors from around the world, many of them on lots of steroids. It was one of the best seasons of MTV’s The Challenge in the past decade. Tonight, Roast Battle introduces six new battlers, hopefully on joke steroids, or just real steroids. That would be pretty funny if all six of these guys were roid monsters. What I’m trying to say, is hopefully the new blood can help to breath new life into a beloved show, just like MTV’s The Challenge.

Our first battle pits Clay Newman versus Chris Conatser, Los Angeles versus San Francisco, my dad’s glasses versus my dad’s glasses. Clay has been tearing up the Bay Area comedy scene, and we have so many mutual friends, that he must be really good or books a show. Shit, maybe both. Chris is an unstoppable monsoon of hilarity, who frequents shows all around Los Angeles. Stand-up chops don’t always translate to Roast Battle success, but it’s the best measure we’ve got for friggin virgins, so I’m optimistic about this one.

Our second battle of the night features Garrett Ulrich taking on Daniel Zambrano in the battle for Orange County. I’m not going to tell you which one of these guys banged my mom, but I hope Daniel wins. Garrett has a new daughter that’s in every picture he’s taken since her birth, and same with Daniel and that scarf. These are two funny comics, who are always working hard, this should be a fun battle.

In our final virgin on virgin battle, we’ve got Andy Van taking on Patrick Jara. Patrick, we thank you for your military service. Andy is Asian, and Patrick’s probably something swarthy. Their people have hated each other for centuries. Expect things to get very mean this ethnic battle, 1,500 years in the making.

Our final undercard is a doozie, as Joe Eurell takes on Silvia Saige. With Jerry Springer off the air, Roast Battle is the go to source for a porn star and a guy with cerebral palsy hurling insults at each other. That billing only scratches the surface of what makes this a great battle, as both battlers have provided some of the greatest moments in Roast Battle history. Joe has been a recipient of multiple “Battle of the Year” roasties, providing some of the most legendary and memorable Roast Battles there have ever been, as well as appearing on the Comedy Central Roast Battle. And one time Silvia got motorboated by The Wave. They’ve both contributed so much. Silvia is no slouch on stage though. Despite losing, she put on a great performance and was very comfortable in her only battle. This should be a lot of fun, now I’ve got to go research Silvia a couple more times.

Our main event tonight pits Los Angeles against New York as Sarah Keller takes on James Pontillo. This battle is bound to be explosive. Sarah is one of the top roast battlers in Los Angeles, coupling great joke writing with a sadistic strategic mind. There’s nothing she enjoys more than bringing actual pain to her opponent. Sarah has taken down many of Los Angeles’s elite battlers and should be considered a formidable threat by any one. James has built up a similar skill set and reputation, over by the shitty ass Atlantic Ocean. He is a staple in the New York battle scene and has already made his way to Los Angeles once before, when he dismantled Caesar Lizardo. These two are sure to put on a monumental display to end the night.

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