Holy Smokes! We are back to our regularly scheduled programming at the Comedy Store after an extraordinary “Best of the Belly” last week. Tonight we have some familiar faces that are proven beasts at warring words. We have four undercards and a main event that’ll guarantee to leave your holiday spirit full of some hateful hilarity. This carnival of carnage will be judged by individuals that have been committed to comedy for a long time and know their shit.
Among them is radiant rocker and everyone’s favorite guy to be around, Josh Adam Meyers. He is the creator and host of the Goddamn Comedy Jam, a popular live show at The Roxy Theatre. Also confirmed are guest judges Barbara Gray, Brandie Posey, and Tess Barker. These bad ass babies have a hilarious podcast called Lady To Lady that focuses on issues surrounding being female. You’ll have to find out for yourself what other mystery guests will be dropping in tonight.
First up, we have two very talented up-and-comers. Dylan Sullivan looks like Andy Milonakis if he was deep fried and Lou Misiano looks like a date rapist from an episode of Dawson’s Creek. After dropping to #37 in the rankings after his loss to newcomer Guido Saltarelli, Dylan is out for blood. No, seriously. Donating blood for the free snacks at the end is impossible when you go to Bonetown with a new butthole brigade every weekend. Dylan is gay is what I’m saying. This should be a great battle because even when Dylan’s jokes don’t land, they still have legs. Well, cankles. Lou is also ranked, and at #49, he is close to falling out of the rankings if he doesn’t pull out a W. If Lou crafts his jokes as meticulously as he tweezes his eyebrows, he is going to mcrib Dylan mercilessly. Who will win: Chaz Boner or the future assistant manager at Enterprise Rent-A-Car? Will this anorexic Pokemon Trainer choose Dylan to defeat his enemies using “Sleep Apnea”?
Next up, we have Sam Brilhart versus William Montgomery. Check out these poor unfortunate souls. William looks like Ronald McDonald if he suffered from a stifling alcohol dependency. Sam, on the other hand, looks like a gym teacher that cancels physical activities to put on yet another screening of Brokeback Mountain. William and Sam have both only battled once before so let’s see if they learned from their mistakes or if a tweet from seven years ago will force them to back out of the battle completely. Who will win: Louis C-Can’t write a joke or Joseph Gordon-Levitt from Snowden if the only whistles being blown were rape whistles?
Next up, Mark Stevens and Julian Fernandez fight to the death. Mark looks like the future owner of a carpet business in Glendale. If the comedy community met in a gymnasium like in the end of Mean Girls and asked “who here has been touched inappropriately by Mark Stevens?”, everyone would raise their hand. It’s not his fault. He’s like a blissfully unaware overzealous puppy that loves Tom Brady because he also loves open mouth frenching kids. Julian looks like the Rock with a thyroid condition. He looks like he’s not sure if he’d rather be a sumo wrestler or a samurai. These are both ranked undercard favorites in this room so it is promising.
Our last undercard is Steven Alan Green gunning for Jennifer Vally. Steven looks like Meatloaf if he ate too much meatloaf or Brian Posehn’s gay uncle. Jennifer looks like the cougar of Whoville. She has battled before but Steven loses his Roast Battle virginity tonight. Now he’s just hoping to lose his real virginity. These two have been in the comedy game a long time but also look like they are battling over title of worst godparent. Will these senior citizens wake up early enough for the early bird special tomorrow morning?
The main event tonight pits Armando Torres against Caesar Lizardo. Caesar is like if the airhorn noise was a person and Armando is like if an ice cream truck playing La Cucaracha was. It’s a blessing that Armando is taking a break from his new job ringing the bells of the Taco Bell tower to battle tonight. With a recent loss against Tony Bartolone, Armando is now at #33 in the rankings while Caesar takes an impressive #26 spot in the rankings. With great performances in the past, both of these roasters are great entertainers and joke writers. They’ve been given expert notes from judges of Roast Battle past so it’ll be interesting to see if they follow the advice. For example, Armando has done this thing where he yell announces his jokes like he’s opening for Hitler and Caesar has done terrible cringe-worthy act outs. These bad habits are almost as bad as doing musical comedy. However: with experience comes growth. Who will win? Drake if he gave up on literally everything or a bunch of pinatas duct taped together with a terrible sweater draped over it?. This is anybody’s fight and sure to be a blast.