It’s the day before Valentine’s Day and we’ve brought the hate in a heart-shaped box.

Judging our battles tonight we have silver fox and 80s heartthrob Cort McCown. Cort has graced the judges’ panel many times, making him an informed and entertaining judge. Next, we have Shang, who has his own special “Shangry,” and will definitely follow you back on Twitter. Rounding out our judges’ panel is the incomparable Jade Catta-Preta, who has a laundry list of credits including Modern Family and Californication. Jade is a panel favorite, her quick wit, biting comebacks and intelligent critique make her a judge every battler should heed.

In tonight’s only undercard, we have Kelsey Lane versus Sharon Houston. Kelsey participated in the first-ever musical roast, and it wasn’t as disastrous as we expected. She’s struggled in her recent battles, usually coming up short and taking an L, but her tenacity and unwillingness to quit are admirable. She’s been jumping in the ring nearly monthly now, and she’s bound to have learned from her mistakes. She’s taking on Sharon Houston, a 17-year comedy vet. Sharon’s comedy career is closer in age to Kelsey than she is. Sharon has a career in TV, which already makes her the winner. Perhaps, that’s why she hasn’t felt the need to prove herself in the ring. She lost her last match because of her inability to economize words. If she’s learned from her mistakes and can change her novel-like jokes, that seem to meander for days and days, where we don’t know where they are headed, and we get lost halfway through, and forget we are watching a battle, and start thinking about what episode of “Frasier” we are going to watch tonight, and oh here comes the punchline! into more efficient, biting jokes, this could be her battle.

The first main event marks the beginning of the “Hateful 8” tournament battles with Galina Rivina versus Jeff Sewing. This battle pits two comics who are among the hardest to write roast jokes about for against one another. Both of these battlers have a strong history in the ring. Galina absolutely destroyed Guam in the last round and looks to continue that streak. Galina has some of the best “thank you ____s” in the game, and has proven herself a solid joke writer. Jeff narrowly defeated Jacob Trimmer in overtime in a phenomenal first round. Jeff is an excellent writer and has maintained one of the only zero-loss records in the top 50, giving him a slight edge. However, I wouldn’t discount the Russian nesting doll just yet. Galina has hit her stride in Roast Battle and is seemingly unstoppable. This will be a great match.

The last battle of the night is sure to bring the fucking house down. We have former champion and goofball extraordinaire Alex Hooper taking on arguably the best writer in the game, Doug Fager.  Alex’s outrageous antics and unexpected characters make him a complete wildcard and a difficult opponent, as you never know who will step onto that stage. Alex has given us some of the most entertaining battles to date. While Alex’s antics make him a crowd favorite, Doug’s writing makes him a judge’s darling. Doug is a master of the bait and switch. His unexpected punchlines keep the audience on their toes and delighted. While Alex is empirically an easier target than Doug, Doug writes jokes that are nearly impossible to write a comeback for, or even to anticipate. Maybe it’s all the drugs, but Alex can find humor in anything and is unmatched in his unique joke writing. Doug’s cool, collected delivery will make an interesting contrast to Alex’s frenetic energy. This is anyone’s match, as both of these guys are battle legends, so the clear winner in this is the audience.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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