Pat Regan wraps up his Tuesday night ritualistic serenade and the crowd is ready for blood. They actually seem a little timid tonight. At the judges’ table, we have Ed Greer, Sean White, and Jena Friedman. The Chant Master himself does everything he can, but this crowd still needs warming up as we go into our first battle of the night, Mia Mars versus Nate Banditelli.
“Mia should be a Suicide Girl. I don’t want to see her naked, but I do want to see her kill herself.”
Out the gate this joke hits hard and the room is beginning to get a taste for emotional distress.
“Nate’s an Orange County comic, too bad it smells like the Orange County fair.”
“Mia looks like she bit the head of a bat… I said that wrong. Mia looks like she got hit in the head with a bat.”
“Thank you Nate Banti-smelly. Nate got his masters in labor studies which is funny because it looks like he’s about to go into labor.”
“Mia is ashier than her relatives after they got out of Auschwitz.”
“You used all my lotion to jack off…Nate has anxiety I don’t know why – nobody remembers you.”
After an awkward start for Mia, the momentum shifts to her side. The judges comment on both and seemingly could go either way. The crowd gives Mia the win and we head into Isaac Hirsch and Kevin McNamara. The crowd is almost too ready for this battle, as it is aesthetically hilarious. Brian shouts an audience member back into submission right before Isaac kicks it off.
“You guys might recognize Kevin from his role as Thug #2 on Justified, but you don’t.”
Isaac’s delivery on this joke is what gets it to hit hard and Kevin seems a little shook going into his first joke.
“Isaac looks like he took the placebo version of the Captain America serum.”
“I’m not saying Kevin is a dumb guy, but his vision board is just a bunch of pictures of shoes that have been tied.”
“A lot of you don’t know this, but Isaac’s actually on the no-fly list… because of a peanut allergy.”
Kevin’s first joke hits and he is tied with Isaac up until this clunker.
“Kevin grew up poor in Detroit and never knew his father. Boy, basically from that description you think he’d be… funny.”
Unfortunately for Kevin, this knockout punch from Isaac levels the room right after Kevin’s bomb.
“Isaac works a lot of odd jobs. He was a bartender, he worked for Postmates, he also does background work. But Isaac’s real passion is scaring birds out of crops.”
This last one kind of falls flat for Kevin as well, but it is too late anyway.
“I mean, I called it… you got took and it’s pretty obvious.” – Ed Greer
The audience agrees. Isaac is the clear winner and the night continues with Brian McDaniel and Armando Torres.
“Brian has a gluten allergy. At least, that’s his excuse for his wife to be the breadwinner.”
Armando comes out swinging with this one. The crowd eats it up
“This is what happens when you put mayonnaise on corn… Armando had a cancer diagnosis, which is sad. If he was black he could have got an HBO special out of it.”
This first one from Brian hits more with the back of the room. You’d have to be an extreme comedy nerd to know exactly what he’s talking about here. Essentially, there is a comedian named Quincy Jones who was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. Then, after going on Ellen, He found out his dream of having a comedy special would come true and it would be on HBO (It’s called “Burning the Light”). He also made appearances on Conan and Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast. Long story short, this was a couple years ago now and he’s alive and kicking. It’s safe to say it is a good thing that a man did not die, but there are a lot of unanswered questions. Anyways, Brian’s Quincy Jones joke didn’t really hit for the audience.
“Brian, you look like the default character in a video game about doing your homework.”
“Armando lived in his car so long, he blew out the shocks. Leave it to a Mexican to figure out a cheaper way to lower his car.”
“Guys, give it up for stay-at-home-his-wife-pays-for-dad… Brian’s wife, child and best friend are all Mexican. If he was trying harder to be one of us, he’d actually have to provide for his family.”
“Armando’s like a dog. He’s loveable, has tumors, his house is only slightly bigger than his body, and he will never be my equal.”
It’s very close as The Roastmaster Jeff Ross enters the building. Jeff, unfortunately, missed this blow-for-blow battle, but wants to take a moment for the passing of Stephen Hawking:
“I want to dedicate tonight’s show to Stephen Hawking that passed away today. His family found his lifeless body this morning… and then he died an hour later. He didn’t believe in God because he heard there’s a stairway to heaven. Stephen Hawking, roast in peace.”
The judges can’t decide on who they like more.
“I feel like Armando has a tendency to work downhill, naturally.” – Saudi Prince
“I thought hipster Freddy Krueger before the fire had some pretty strong jokes.” – Jena Friedman
It doesn’t matter that the judges are in limbo, Brian is sure the win is his and an overtime will not change that.
“You just want more jokes, I’ll beat him again, fuck it.” – Brian McDaniel
“Armando has a trophy named after him. At Flappers. In Claremont. Even the trophy has to bring five people to get stage time.”
“Thank you Phony Hinchcliffe… You look like the villain in every Lifetime movie, ever, okay?
Armando’s overtime time joke doesn’t really do it for anybody, and the deal is sealed. Brian takes the win and we move into…
“The battle of Portlandia.” – Brian Moses
…Dan Nolan and Logan Guntzelman.
Dan seems ready to go when Brian asks him why he chose to battle Logan:
“Uh, she’s just a giant whore, I thought it’d be funny.” – Dan Nolan
This gets a big pop from the audience. The judges jump in before Dan begins.
“It’s pretty funny to see the swap mechanic that can only use the register go up against the romantic lead in a claymation movie.” – Sean White
“This Friday I’m actually going to be celebrating three years clean and sober, unlike Logan’s vagina, which will never even be clean.”
Dan’s first blow hits hard – probably the biggest reaction from anything so far tonight.
“You want to know what’s more dead than my beat up ho pussy? It is the roots in every single one of Dan’s teeth.”
Logan fires right back. Everyone is on the edge of their seat for this battle. Everyone in the room can tell the show has leveled up in skill.
“Logan’s dad actually wrote the screenplay for ‘Revenge of the Nerds: Part II.’ So even before she was born, he had experience making unfunny pieces of shit.”
“Dan looks like he has a favorite 7-11 parking lot to shower in.”
“Logan’s so ugly my dog has a picture of her playing poker.”
“Every few months AA members celebrate being sober with a chip, and I guess Dan ate all of his.”
Logan’s last joke is great, but it doesn’t take away the momentum Dan gets from his ‘poker’ joke.
“Dry t-shirt contest, I thought it was pretty close. I do think Vampire Weekday edged you out a little bit.” – Jena Friedman
“This is a tricky one, because I’m a big fan of Jeremiah’s nerdy younger brother character…” – Jeff Ross
The crowd is too and Dan takes the win. Dan and Logan are definitely the best battle of the night heading into the main event: Keith Cary versus Nat Baimel. Nat enters in a flamboyant, WWE, fashion, sporting a ripped ‘Mean Boys Podcast’ t-shirt. The Mean Boys, of course, being Keith’s podcast.
“Here’s the thing, that’s my merch, so you literally paid me to this bit.” – Keith Carey
Sean drunkenly jumps in, as he has a problem with the realness of our battlers. They’re not real enough for Sean White.
“No matter what mean thing I say, you both look like you’re going to go home and cry after this. I know you had a Facebook meltdown, like, a week ago. You all full of shit.” – Sean White
“He’s talking to himself. He’s looking in the mirror and talking to himself.” – Keith Carey
Keith does a great job of saving what began to be an awkward interaction. Brian Moses asks the two who wants to go first and Nat is confident and ready.
“I got this, you coward…Keith has bad dandruff. He’s so full carbs, even his head has a buttery, flaky crust.”
Nat has a reason to be confident and kicks this battle off with a hard hitter.
“Nat’s been doing comedy for a decade and still has no credits. His failure is just like the Holocaust: completely justified.”
Keith fires right back, and the two are even.
“Yes, I’m a Jew. My relatives were forced on trains, you watched your mom take one willingly.”
“Nat’s dad died of rectal cancer, so we both have a parent that got their asshole destroyed, but at least mine just walked it off.”
Nat switches the tone of the jokes to more personal. Keith has battled way too many times to not be ready, but it seems like this is the battle Nat is looking for.
“Yeah, my dad’s dead. Yours left. It’s a shame he didn’t teach you how to properly tie a necktie, otherwise, you might not have failed when you tried killing yourself.”
“Nat looks like he hits on girls by telling them how fast he can do a jigsaw puzzle.”
“Keith tried BDSM, bestiality porn, and drinking blood while having sex. The only thing he won’t do in the bed is die surrounded by people who love him.”
Keith tries to go goofier in this exchange and Nat keeps it personal, which is the blood type everyone’s looking for at this point.
“Nat’s a Jew who’s girlfriend pays his rent. If you were any more whipped, you’d be building her a pyramid.”
“First of all, how do you think I got these abs. Second of all, Keith is like a broken clock. Busted face, constantly ticks, and his mom tried pawning him for meth money.”
“Nat’s a man-child from the South with a dead dad. He’s a lot like Forest Gump, except for two big differences. Number one, definitely doesn’t have a black friend. Number two, and I swear to God I researched this, Forest Gump lost his virginity at 22. Nat lost his a 26. You are 15% less fuckable than a retard at a bus stop.”
This battle is hilarious, personal, yet friendly and fun. The judges have a difficult time all getting on the same page.
“Everyone thought it was tight as fuck and I’m gonna give it to Diddy Kong over here.” – Sean White
Sean White sides with Keith, but after some deliberation an overtime is necessary.
“I performed at Nat’s album release show and did way better than he did. So I guess you’re dad’s not the only beta male to get buried by a faggot.”
“Keith was in the hospital last week after a panic attack. They calmed him down by assuring himthe McRib would come back soon.”
“I called it, I was giving it to Diddy. They just changed which Diddy I was giving it to.” – Sean White
Nat takes it in over time. Before the night comes to a close, Nat looks like the Periscope camera and calls out Connor McSpadden. Orange County, huh? Wacky stuff! It’s beautiful. It’s like watching Lil Uzi Vert call out Jay Z. Until next time, lets roast!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.