by Richie Gaines, photos by Troy Conrad

The crowd is hot and ready for the battles to start tonight.
Jeff Ross unexpectedly ends up at the judge’s table, which puts the stars in
the eyes of the audience and the nerves in the stomachs of some battlers. We
are primed and ready to go as Dakota Freeman and Michael Huebner take the
stage. Moses asks Jeff who should go first and he tells Dakota:

“You’re never ever going to go first in anything” – Jeff Ross

The battle begins.

“Dakota looks like he plays in a Zelda music cover band.”

“Michael and I, we both work at movie theaters. My job is
being an usher and his job is guy who might shoot up the movie theater.”

“Dakota has anxiety. He got this skinny by…shaking.”

“Michael wears glasses, but he still can’t see that his life
is going nowhere.”

“Whenever Dakota gets an X-ray, doctors say ‘holy shit,
there’s a skeleton inside this skeleton.”

“Michael’s not very attractive, but that’s okay because size
matters and Michael looks like a giant dick.”

This was a decent battle. It was obviously an undercard, but
set a good tone for the night. Nobody was wowed, but we are all excited to see
the night progress in skill level. Michael takes the win as Jose Trevizo and
Cody Morley get called up. After some well delivered introductory statements
from each battler, Cody tells the first joke.

“I gotta tell ya, you made an a lot better soldier than a
comic. The only road he ever killed was full of Afghan children.”

“Cody is the reason LGBT added the ‘Q’ to the end of their
stupid acronym. But they should have made it a double ‘F’ because he’s a
fuckin’ faggot.”

“The war gave Jose PTSD. But now he spends his time giving
woman PT-STDs.”

“Cody Morley, you suck so bad at this, the only way you’ll
taste some success is if you suck a creampie out of Lindsey Jennings.”

This last joke bombs. Jose, who had two other jokes work, makes
the classic inside joke mistake. Maybe in the early days of Roast Battle
(before my time) this would have killed, but the Roast Battle game has changed.
Even since before the T.V. show playing to the audience has rained supreme, and
though there may be one guy in the back with his hood up and sunglasses on who
is subscribed to Lindsay’s private Snapchat, nobody knows what they hell you’re
talking about. The judge’s table is overflowed at this point now that Josh Adam
Myers has shown up. We have Al Jackson, Josh, Jeff Ross, Jeff Dye, Yassir
Lester, and Tony Hinchcliffe all on the firing squad. Brian tries to put the
judges in teams:

“Roastmaster, you’re with…” –Brian Moses

“If you’re going to do this you can’t call me master.” –JeffRoss

The judges are teamed up, and even though the ‘W’ is leaning
toward Jose he so badly wants to do one more joke. It is clear the crowd has chosen
him, but a winner is not announced.

“I’d put the win on the line for another joke.” – Jose Trevizo

“I just think Jose wants to do one more joke by himself.”
– Jeff Ross

Yassir is about to cast his vote, but decides if the guy
wants to tell another joke so badly, lets let him.

“Cody, you got that shine a woman gets when she’s been
fuckin’ Charlie Sheen raw.”

Jose made the crowd sit through that awful joke and they
made him pay for it by overwhelmingly flipping to Team Morley. Jose leaves with his head down and
Darrin Chase and Tom Whalen take the stage with swag we haven’t seen yet
tonight. After we’re told Darrin lives in his car, he comes with a Little
Caesar’s pizza that Tom knocks to the floor. We are all shocked by this.

“In three fuckin’ years I’ve never been offended in this
club…” – Jeff Ross

After a fun introduction to these two ignoramuses, the
battle begins. 

“Darrin you ugly bastard. You look like you come from an
inbred family and you live in your car. Dude, I don’t know what’s more
disgusting: your jeans or your actual genes.”

“You look like you wear sweatpants to a strip club…here’s
the thing with Tom: his family’s got a history of substance abuse. His sisters
got heroin running through her veins, but he’s got Band-Aids running through
his.”

“Good one, Freddy got Fingered by his Uncle Steve.”

“Thank you, Hack Black.”

“You’re welcome, Gay Mysterio.”

“Guys, guys, guys, you know, Darrin does have some talents,
you know, Darrin can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under a minute, too bad he can’t
solve how to not live in his car after two years.”

“Tom always gets compared to Chris Farley, which hopefully
for us, just means he only has a few years left to live.”

“Darrin’s mom has ovarian cancer. Which is the second worst
thing her pussy has ever produced… guys, guys, guys don’t worry, laughter is
the best medicine.” *Looks back at
Darrin* “She’s definitely going to die.”

“Tom’s very
religious. He considers himself a virgin, because like all good catholic girls
he doesn’t think taking it in the ass counts.”

“After seeing this
battle we all know who the funniest guy at Floyd’s Barber Shop is.” – Al Jackson

“This is like the
battle of the guitar instructors.” – Jeff Ross

Tom was set to this
win this battle. The judges were on his side, but as Tony puts it:

“You cannot waste another
man’s pizza.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Darrin takes this
one by surprise and the swag-fest continues. Sameer Suri takes the stage, with
champagne in hand, ready to take down British comedian Eric Lampaert.

“Sameer says that
his parents don’t know he’s gay, but like dude, even Helen Keller knows you’re
gay. You’re so gay you beat the final boss on Grindr.”

“Eric is all teeth,
look at him. A blowjob from this man is how Caitlyn Jenner had the surgery.”

“You look like your
suicide vest would just be filled with glitter and cum… which coincidently is
also what your stomach is full of.”

“Meanwhile…Eric
doesn’t tell people this, but he once fucked a man. Or he tells me that…darling; a faggot wouldn’t touch your cock if you came mimosas.”

“The reason my dick
smells of shit is because it’s been inside of your mouth.”

“Everyone in this
room knows I only fuck black men. This is not going down.”

“Rivers are very
important to Sameer. He sounds like Joan Rivers, he clearly bathed his whole
life in rivers, and when I tell his family that he’s gay he’s going to drown in
a river.”

“Ladies…Eric’s
face, I want you to know this…for your health. Eric’s face is what happens
when you put off the abortion until 1,677 weeks.”

Both these battlers
were great. They were having fun, taking side shots at each other… Eric’s act
out after his ‘Rivers’ joke is one of the best we’ve seen. Nobody gets more
laughs on set up and transitions than Sameer. Sameer may have gotten the
biggest reaction of the night just off of saying “meanwhile.” In the end Eric
takes the win. Galina Rivina and Kevin McNamara take the stage. Meanwhile, There
is an energy shift with Galina and Kevin.

“I’m really excited
to find out how unfunny this battle is going to be” – Jeff Ross

The Saudi prince
throws in a funny line about Galina and the battle begins.

“She looks like Selena
Gomez’s reflection in a heroin spoon.” – Saudi Prince

“Galina once shit
her pants during a job interview… Galina, why do you always smell like you’re
at a job interview?”

“Kevin is what
happens when you water a man-bun with too much cologne.”

“Galina’s parents
are named Boris and Natasha, which makes sense that their daughter has a huge
moose knuckle.”

Kevin turns on the
audience after this joke bombs.

“Nothing? You guys
don’t watch Rocky and Bullwinkle?
Fuck you guys!” 

Jeff jumps in to try
and coach these two.

“If you’re doing
three more jokes you need to loosen up right now and have some fun with It.”
– Jeff Ross

“Kevin grew up in
Detroit on welfare and he never met his dad. He’s like Eminem if it stood for
‘miserable mistake.’”

“Galina has a
tattoo, a quote from Game of Thrones on
her ribs, as if her tits aren’t fictional enough.”

Jeff tries to help,
but it just makes Galina and the audience more uncomfortable.

“Come on Galina,
look at him.” – Jeff Ross

“Kevin’s single, but
he’s been engaged twice, mainly because he likes buying jewelry.”

After this one
doesn’t hit…

“Never mind, look at me.” – Jeff Ross

“Someone asked me to
describe Galina in two words. I said, ‘that’s easy…’”

“Kevin’s clearly
athletic. Not because he looks strong, but because he talks like he’s had
concussions.”

“Galina works at
Ferrari as the girl you don’t have to fuck anymore if you buy a Ferrari.”

“If Kevin were
anymore of a douchebag I would use him to clean my cunt.”

The battle is not
that bad, it just has an awkward energy. It seems like nothing is going right
for them. They are not a good fit to battle, maybe? Jeff keeps telling Galina
to look at Kevin and she doesn’t. The judges think it is because of sexual
tension.

“I think the reason
this battle was so lackluster is because you guys want to fuck each other so
bad.” – Al Jackson

Galina and Kevin
together battling did not ride the energy from Sameer and Eric. Galina’s
one-note style mixed with Kevin’s inexperience going up that late in the show
just didn’t unfold as planned. Hey, ya know, you’ll get em’ next kiddos.

“I think we’ve seen
enough from these two” – Jeff Ross

In agreement with
Jeff, we go into the main event tonight, Dan Nolan versus Jay Light. There is
another energy shift as Jay and Dan take the stage. They have a new confidence
that the room is looking for.

“Jay went to Elon
University where he majored in accidently calling the teacher mom.”

“You may recognize
Dan as the guy who gave your daughter hepatitis.”

“Jay studied
theater, and he’s got a one-man show where there’s a big twist at the end where
you realize he’s been a boring faggot the whole
time
.”

“Dan was a locations
scout for Law & Order: SVU. It
was the perfect job for him, he knows all the best places to fuck children.”

“Jay’s a club comic…
Chess club.”

“Dan your teeth look
like the cracked, crooked tombstones all your junkie friends are buried under.”

“Jay loves rap
music, but his biggest influence from the black community is obviously still
Urkel.”

“Dan you look like a
carny that can guess peoples weight and how many Ziploc bags they fill.”

“This battle is
weird because it kind of looks like a dude talking to himself in the future.”
– Yassir Lester

Even with Dan’s
chess club joke falling flat, he takes the first round. The tone is set for
this to be a great battle even though the judges all think Jay is a little off
as we go into the second round. Jay defers to Dan.

“Jay lives with a
lesbian just so he’ll have someone in the apartment who’s not afraid to kill
spiders.”

“Jay’s roommate
doesn’t just eat pussy, she splits the cable bill with one.”

“Jay and his
roommate are actually both comics… who pee sitting down.”

“Dan looks like he
volunteered at an animal shelter as the guy who kills the dogs.”

“Dan shot up so much
black tar his medical bills are paid by the department of transportation.”

“Dan just lost
thirty pounds, but he’ll never lose the crushing weight of getting his brother
addicted to heroin.”

This last joke of
Jay’s levels the room. Dan informs us that his brother was arrested the week
prior.

“I don’t know how we
can keep going without knowing your brothers exact location.” – Al Jackson

Jay takes this
round, but the battle is neck and neck. Both these guys are two of the best
Roast Battle has to offer. It’s getting late, but we’re all excited for the
third round. Jay begins.

“Dan is a one-liner
comic. He’s one line away from relapsing and dying under an overpass.”

“Jay made a sex tape
with his high school girlfriend and to this day it’s the closest he’s come to
getting a solid four minutes on film.”

“Dan’s ex’s all say
he’s a lizard person because he’s cold blooded and his eyes point in opposite
directions.”

“Jay is such a gay
nerd he uses a protractor to measure out perfect circle-jerks.”

“Girls hate hooking
up with Dan because when they try to spoon he sets them on fire.”

“Jay never did
heroin, so if he stole from his family it was probably just to get the black
maid fired.”

The judges are
having trouble making a decision as Yassir Lester calls for overtime jokes.

“Jay looks like he
cries when he gets a splinter.”

“Dan doesn’t have a
driver’s license because you don’t need one to drive every woman away from you.”

Al wants to call it
a tie, some judges are leaning Dan, but in the end Jay takes it. Like all of
Dan’s past few battles they have been so close, but he keeps just barely
missing the win and they all could have gone either way. I don’t think anyone
would have been surprised if Dan took this one, but Jay taking the win is no
surprise either. Great battle, great night, I’m gay, see you next Tuesday.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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