Mike Lawrence, Joe Dosch and Frank Castillo look on ready to pass judgment. Season 2 Champ Frank Castillo is dressed up as Season 1 Champ Mike Lawrence for Halloween, and the judges start off hot roasting The Champ.
“Moses, this is great, for one day a year, Frank gets to pretend to be a Roast Battle champion.” – Joe Dosch
“Frank, what are you dressed as? Somebody who writes his own jokes?” – Mike Lawrence
“Quick, Dan Nolan, text him a comeback to all this.” – Joe Dosch
The first battle is a virgin sacrifice featuring Jordan Baney versus Spence Griffeth. Coach Tea plays Spence up to the Addams Family theme, and he joins Jordan and Moses already onstage.
“Jesus Christ, you look like you jerked off at a morgue.” – Joe Dosch
“It’s like if there was a Megazord for dead lounge singers.” – Mike Lawrence
“As usual, Frank has nothing.” – Joe Dosch
Jordan Baney kicks off the battle:
“Spence looks like he gets beat up by the kids he tries to abduct.”
“Jordan is such a shit comic he thinks it’s a challenge to roast a guy who looks like someone dressed the AIDS monkey in a suit.”
Confusingly, Spence starts off with a joke about himself. It’s an odd strategy that really makes no sense whatsoever.
“Spence smokes cigarettes to remind his parents that he’s the cancer that ruined their marriage.”
“Jordan’s only black experience is that his father abandoned him.”
“The first thing Spence jacked off to was a Playboy magazine. It was also the first time his time his dad’s cum was on his hands instead of his mouth.”
“Jordan looks like every black guy on a pamphlet for a university promoting, uh, multiculturalism.”
The matchup is underwhelming at best and by the end, Spence seems as worn down as his face looks.
“I feel like at the end of this we’re gonna find out that Spencer was the cruise ship comic on the Titanic.” – Mike Lawrence
After the crowd shows a generous amount of appreciation for both competitors, there is more applause for Jordan and he takes the win.
In the second undercard, Sasha Sanchez takes on Justin Sailor.
Justin enters dressed as Subzero followed by Sasha dressed as Scorpion, and we are set to see them do Mortal Kombat.
“We’re celebrating a video game by watching two tokens.” – Mike Lawrence
After an uninspired pre-roast jab from Sasha, Coach Tea comes in right on cue with a “Get over here!” sound drop. Sasha volunteers to go first:
“Justin, unfortunately your skin color says you probably don’t know your father, but your personality says it’s probably your fuckin’ fault.”
“Who’s fault is it you’re doing comedy? Anyway, the country that Sasha’s from, there’s two penalties by death. One, you be beheaded on live video or the other is you just simply sit in the audience of his stand up.”
“Thank you, Michael B. Homeless.”
“Ok, Shemar Moore less than a nigga.”
“You look like your favorite sexual position is to watch.”
“Sasha, if you guys didn’t know, Sasha is also Dominican. He’s black, white, I mean all kind of shit, but he mainly focus on his Dominican part. Actually, like Dominican’t be funny in comedy, Dominican’t win this battle…”
“Thank you, Loser Vandross. Justin’s a great father, every night he’s there to tuck his kids into their cardboard boxes.”
“At least my kids play Call of Duty on PS4 and not Call of Duty door to door.”
Coach Tea plays one more sound drop, proclaiming this a “Flawless victory.” Moses comes onstage to close out the battle, but Justin stops him to tell a joke that’s not only a rebuttal. For his final joke, Justin pretends to cry while relating this story about Sasha.
“I know this is comedy and all that man, I love you, but not like you want me to, but… Lemme tell you all a serious story about Sasha. It really hurts a little bit, just a little bit. And umm… Sasha got circumcised when he was seventeen. I’m serious, Sasha got circumcised when he was seventeen and the doctors made a huge mistake. They cut off the excess skin of his dick and the punchlines to all his comedy.”
After the judges thoroughly berate Justin for his performance, the audience cheers more for Sasha to give him the victory.
The next undercard is a battle of Kyles, pitting Kyle Gridley against Kyle Wassel. Gridley goes first:
“Kyle is a Jew, has a black grandfather and married a Filipino woman. I don’t what his kids will look like, but I do know everyone will hate them.”
“Kyle, I don’t know what’s more pathetic, the fact that you played community college football or the fact it’ll be the highlight of your obituary.”
“Kyle’s family survived the holocaust, his wife’s family survived the baton death march. These two are proof, all the good ones died.”
“Kyle’s raggedy as shit. He looks like sock puppet Jeff Dunham uses to jerk off.”
“Kyle, you look like Harvey Weinstein thinks he looks.”
“If you haven’t noticed, Kyle’s quite racist. I mean, look at him. He’s so racist even his teeth are in blackface.”
Even though there are some definite laughs, mostly from Wassel’s first joke, the audience and Moses elect to give the battle a double loss.
Jeff Ross shows up as we move onto our last undercard of the night when Caesar Lizardo throws down with Eric Abbenante.
Caesar is brought to the stage dancing to vaguely Hispanic (probably Cuban) music, followed by Eric dressed as a rabbi, complete with menorah, yarmulke, and his Jewish ass face. Eric begins the battle:
“Caesar’s Dominican dad called him Caesar because he couldn’t toss a baseball as well as he can toss a salad.”
“I’m sorry, guys, if you ever been a victim of Eric Abbenante’s comedy #MeToo. He’s never felt a girl up, he’s no Harvey Weinstein, but he has gefilte fish.”
“I would’ve circumcised that joke. Anyway… Caesar pretends to be black. The only thing that makes you black is your white girlfriend has you whipped.”
“Yeah, I have a white girlfriend, but he has a black girlfriend because his people are used to the ghettos, you know what I’m saying? Eric is so Jewish he doesn’t wine and dine his girlfriend, he dines and then he whines about the bill afterwards.”
“Caesar’s Dominican so he’s on the border of being banned like Haiti.”
“Everybody give it up for the Brave Little Roaster. You know, Eric used to drive for Uber, but he got fired. I mean, how you do that man, aren’t you your own boss, you know? I mean, leave it up to a Jew to get fired by a German company, ya know?”
The judges and crowd both award the match to Caesar, and it’s on to the main event.
In a one round, five joke main event, John-Michael Bond steps to Keith Carey.
As Keith Carey riffs on Mike Lawrence’s Ric Flair costume and the firing squad make fun of his weight loss, The Saudi Prince sneaks in with a woman on a leash.
“I just picked her up. We got back from Manhattan a minute ago… I don’t want to speak to early, but I think she’s a good one. I saw her smoking a camel out back and in my culture that means something different than yours.”
“They look like they’re going to fight over the last Rick and Morty Szechuan sauce.” – Mike Lawrence
John-Michael Bond starts off strong:
“Keith Carey has a face that only a mother could love and she was still like, ‘Eh, I’d rather do heroin.”
“You’re not wrong, she did it.”
“Is that why you made sure you can never find a vein?”
“John is such a pretentious creep he watches child porn and then tells everybody the book was better.”
“This is actually the driest I’ve ever seen you. Keith is the sweatiest fucking person I have ever seen in my entire life. He sweats constantly. I like to call him a Cosby sweater. …’cause he’s a rapist.”
Keith and John have some banter back and forth before Saudi Prince interrupts:
“Is this an NPR podcast? – Saudi Prince
“Alright, spend less time talking shit and spend more time finding a hotter girl for this terrible bit. We get it, you wrangled up a 4…” – Keith Carey
“I like to think she’s a 9 and 11.” – Saudi Prince
Back to the regulation jokes with Keith Carey picking up where they left off:
“John’s father is a pastor, so growing up he spent a lot of time in churches, and Popeye’s and KFC and Chick-fil-A and I don’t know, wherever else there’s chicken.”
“Keith is bisexual. He appeals to guys who are experimenting with their sexuality because even when you’re balls deep in his ass, you’re in a total pussy.”
“Speaking of pussies, John’s wife is supporting him financially. So it must be rough to see her reach into her purse, move your balls out of the way, and then give you lunch money.”
“When Keith was a child in high school, his mother believed that he was possessed and she called a priest in to exorcise the demons. That was the first and last time Keith got exercise.”
“John did ballet in high school in the South. It’s a lot like regular ballet but the black swan had to swim in a different pond.”
“Keith refers to what happened to him as a child as him being kinda molested. On Facebook he hashtagged #MeTooish.”
“Speaking of sexual assault, why not? John-Michael Bond was sexually assaulted by a lifeguard. It was a lot like Baywatch except the only thing running in slow motion was the cum down his chin.”
After they each do a molestation joke, the round is over. Both battlers blow a joke and it’s a pretty even contest. Going off of crowd reaction, John-Michael seems to have clinched it and we go to the judges for an official decision.
“John-Michael looks like if fuckin’ Mike Lawrence hosed himself down occasionally.” – Joe Dosch
After two votes for John-Michael Bond and one vote for Keith Carey, Jeff Ross asks for one more joke. Keith goes first in sudden death:
“John-Michael is an outspoken feminist and a social activist for women’s rights. What I’m getting at is he definitely raped somebody.”
“Keith didn’t realize his mom smoked crack until she quit smoking crack. His first clue was when she stopped offering to blow him for his lunch money before school.”
Willie Hunter appears out of nowhere and does a Michael Jackson act out in full costume putting the exclamation point on a fun fight. John-Michael Bond is awarded the win and they hug. That’s it for our Halloween show. We’ll see you next week.
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