The crowd is fired up after the night’s stand up portion is over and the energy is ripe for a seven-fight night. Jeff Ross and Mike Lawrence take a seat in the VIP section to witness the first battle of the night featuring two comics from Temecula, Candiss Veree and Jorrell Benasfre, ending in a W for Jorrell. Afterwards, our third judge for the night, Benji Alflalo joins the judges for the next battle, William Gilliam versus Chris Wilmoth.
William tells the judges he is still in the Marine reserves and Chris says he’s a caterer. The judges thank them both for their “service” and the battle commences.
“William looks like Chris Pratt if he still lived in a van and hated black people.”
“When my ex wife kicked me out of the house, Chris let me move into his house until it got impounded.”
“William looks like he voted for Trump and then wrote a blog about regretting it two months later.”
“In the age of white guilt… fuck, uh shit… Chris overcame all that and is homeless anyway. PTSD, sorry… I got triggered halfway through.”
William’s blunder and quick save gets the biggest laugh of the battle so far and Coach Tea capitalizes on the moment by playing patriotic music, extending the laugh break. Chris follows up with a solid hit.
“William thinks his wife left her because he would choke her in her sleep, but in reality it’s because he wasn’t choking her as hard as all the black dudes she was fucking.”
“I’d describe Chris’s comedy the same way his girlfriend describes his sex life, three minutes of wasted time and no improvement.”
William’s biggest laugh comes from his misstep whereas Chris got one good joke in at the end.
“I can’t believe [William] fought for the freedom to have THAT battle” – Mike Lawrence
Benji was not impressed with any of Chris’s jokes, claiming they all just “ended on a black thing.” It’s roast battle, Benji. It’s all about the black things! He then turns to William to ask why he’s going on stage when he can’t even talk. This is just a preview of how brutally honest and outright mad Benji will get tonight.
“Seafoam green? You’re a Marine and You’re wearing SEAFOAM GREEN? Put on Marine green. You can’t talk and you’re wearing seafoam green.”
The crowd explodes in laughter during his anger fueled fashion advice. Benji’s endorsement does end up going to William due to the racist nature of Chris’s jokes.
The crowd ends up giving William the win despite never really landing an actual joke, a real testament to his likability and perhaps the fading effectiveness of black jokes.
Moving on from two boring white guys to a porn star and a stoner (this show knows how to keep an audience). Silvia Sage takes the stage first, expressing her shock that Stoner Rob even showed up for the battle. Moses asks Sage if she’s let the wave smash and she announces that her nipples have already been in Jamar’s mouth. If that question has done anything in Roast Battle, it’s mostly to highlight how much Jamar gets it. Mike Lawrence scorns the misogyny.
“I expect higher standards from a show that books a guy named Stoner Rob.” – Mike Lawrence
Silvia offers to kick off the round and the battle begins.
“Stoner Rob, when I look at you I’m reminded of Splinter from Ninja Turtles minus all the skills and likability… So really just a sewer rat.”
“What we’re looking at right now is what happens when Cat Woman has to resort to sucking dick for crack.”
“Stoner Rob, ladies and gentlemen, he’s a local celebrity… in the I.E… That’s the fucking joke, man.”
“Silvia Sage is a porn star and they say you hit the bottom of porn when you do D.P., you do black people, and you start to shove things in your own butt. That was her fucking audition… tonight.”
“Stoner Rob has four kids, two of which are Irish twins. Now add two more to that and another baby mama and that’s what you call a shitty Mexican move.”
“I love Silvia Sage, dude. She’s the only porn star with no fucking lips. It’s like getting your dick sucked from Dori from Finding Nemo.”
These two were nothing if not entertaining. I think Mike Lawrence said it best when he said these two are cartoon characters, they knew it, and they played into it. Stoner Rob tells us he got his name from Tommy Chong.
“How’d he come up with it?” – Jeff Ross
“What is this on stage right now, Cheech and Thong?” – Saudi Prince
Rob’s jokes hit every time and although Silvia put on a great show, as I’m sure she always does, Stoner Rob takes the victory.
The unconventional battles don’t stop there, however. For the first time in roast battle history, we had a musical roast battle. The judges are excited to see something different, but not optimistic about the results, a feeling I think we all shared. For this one, I typed out the jokes but, you’re going to have to use your imagination with the guitar and the singing.
“Kelsey, she only smokes sativa. She fucks a lot of dudes and girls. I guess you can say she’s a Green Crack whore.”
“Thank you, Oscar the Groucho Marx. Phil just wants some love. That’s why he just lost so much weight. Hey ladies! He’s not afraid to commit… rape!”
Kelsey’s first verse gets a good reaction. You can’t beat an adorable melody combined with a rape joke.
“Thank you, ugly Anna Kendrick. Kelsey hasn’t seen her mom in over a year, which is funny cuz I saw her last week. She sucked my dick for heroin on 3rd street.”
At this point, the musical battle isn’t looking like a total disaster… but then there’s a slight bump on the road for Kelsey Lane.
“My mom has standards. A lot of people think that Phil is trash. He plays banjo, he has a weird meth rash… FUCK, I’m gonna start again, sorry.”
This is met with an angry reaction from the crowd, begging her just to continue from the last line. For better or worse, Kelsey sticks to her guns and starts over. However, I’ll just get to the point.
“But, guys… trash isn’t on the street for that long.”
“On Halloween, Kelsey got dumped by her homeless boyfriend who was dressed like Charlie Sheen. Face it, you aren’t winning.”
“Phil has a tattoo that says music saved my life. If that’s true…”
Kelsey slowly puts down her guitar and walks away with her hand in the air; a clever ending to a whimsical battle. All in all, I think it went much better than everyone thought it would be and I think we can safely say this experiment went better than the tag team effort, however it was still absolutely despised by the judges.
“I really enjoyed dad bod versus “touched by my stepdad” bod.” – Saudi Prince
Jeff Ross takes Kelsey’s guitar and sings a song about how the battle was horrible, but the sexual chemistry was palpable.
“This reminds me of the movie Once because that’s how many times it should happen.” – Mike Lawrence
Benji rants about how terrible musical comedy is and kills their dreams as both musicians and comedians.
“I think to make fun of their jokes is really dismissive of how bad at music you guys are…People dedicate their life to this sort of thing. Their called musicians. The fact that you just do it because you want to is gross. It’s be like me going on stage and saying I’m a fire eater or a unicyclist. I just decided I was a surgeon so, neither of you are musicians or comedians.” – Benji Alflalo
Ultimately these two had the courage to try something new and gracefully took their lumps when it didn’t go well, so kudos to Kelsey and Phil. Kelsey takes the win and we’re back to music-less jokes with Kyle Gridley and Lonnie Johnson.
Lonnie Johnson is not dressed in his usual suit for tonight’s battle, but fuck it, Kyle is going in hard on the suit and sport jacket jokes.
“Lonnie stayed out of games. The only black on black crime he’s been apart of is his collection of sports jackets.”
“That was a horrible joke, Fatrick Swayze.”
“You’re right, Dave Lapel.”
Kyle is bombing so hard, the judges have to step in to wake the audience up again, taking a few jabs at Kyle. I’m not saying these jokes would have hit either way, but you have to roll with the punches in roast battle. If someone changes up their look, you should change up your jokes.
“For the record, I get the Dave Lapel joke.” – Jeff Ross
Lonnie keeps the battle going.
“Kyle works at In-N-Out. It’s something he’s always wanted to do ever since his high school football coach raped him animal style.”
“Lonnie loves comic books but that’s not why he thinks the DC Sniper’s a hero… That’s a smart joke.”
“Surprisingly, Kyle’s dad did not vote for Donald Trump. You see, if his dad supported maniac retards, he wouldn’t have abandoned Kyle.”
“Lonnie wants him and his wife to be a famous interracial couple and I hope it works out, like Nicole and OJ Simpson.”
“Kyle just doesn’t like my marriage because it’s consensual – but, wait a second – Kyle is 22 years old and has already sucked a dick for coke. Kyle, just for your information that’s not how you do it for the gram.”
This battle was pretty cut and dry. Lonnie had great jokes and Kyle’s fell flat every time. Benji takes shots at Kyle for dressing like a fat aunt before the win ultimately goes to Lonnie for a fantastic showing.
The next battle seemed promising. Brent Duncan, who’s written stellar jokes in the past sets up to take on Brett Erikson, a very funny comedian who tours with Doug Stanhope. After some understandable confusion over whose name is whose, Brett takes the bullet.
“Brent’s girlfriend is divorced and has a kid, so don’t worry about tonight cuz he’s used to sloppy seconds.”
“Funny you should say that. Brett has three eyeball tattoos on his arm, which makes a total of five eyes never watching his children grow up.”
“As a reality show casting director, Brent sees a lot of talentless wannabes, which he’s used to cuz he also has a mirror.”
“Brett’s a 50-year-old vegan who can’t afford a car, so that means Brett can’t eat meat, dairy, or pussy.”
“You’re right Brent, I am 50 and in comedy which is something you won’t have to worry about.”
“Brett, you’re actually kind of fit because every day he tries to work on those ten thousand steps towards running away from his family.”
The battle was picking up steam until about this point, where it got a little too real.
“Thanksgiving is on Thursday!” – Josh Meyrowitz
“Brent has been called the next Louis C.K., not because he masturbates in front of women, but because he’s a comedian from Boston with no career.”
“Brett grew far away from his family when his daughter graduated high school, or as he called it, out of her prime.”
By the end of the battle, the audience had lost interest. Benji blames it on Brent doubling up on “abandoning your family” jokes and gives his vote to Brett.
“You are as interchangeable as the names Brett and Brent.” – Mike Lawrence
Brent lets the judges know he worked for Shark Tank and Mike lets Brent know that when it comes to his comedy career, he’s out.
Brett Erikson gets the audience vote and it’s time for the main event.
April Lotshaw and Joe Eurell stand ready to battle and the judges express their excitement to see these two in action.
“I think this battle is going to be fire and not just because April looks like she starts them with her mind. As a nerd I’m just excited anytime I see April hanging out with a mutant.” – Mike Lawrence.
Joe says he’s excited to battle someone more pathetic than him and Mike Lawrence’s wet dream of an X-Men battle come to life takes form.
“Joe’s arms look like the coat hangers he had to fight back.”
“Speaking of that, April has a tattoo of the solar system on her back. It’s the closest she’ll ever be to having a real son.”
“Joe’s voice sounds like he’s been dying of a gunshot wound since birth.”
“That’s interesting because, you know, April and I have both dealt with suicidal thoughts, but the difference is she has more ability and a reason.”
“We were both institutionalized. I was locked in a building but Joe was put on cinder blocks.”
“April used to wait tables. Her face looks like they still use it to scrub the dishes.”
“Joe uses a straw to eat pussy.”
“Speaking of that, April’s been on a five-year dry spell. That’s the last time she moisturized her face.”
“Joe slurs… not because he’s disabled, because he’s Irish.”
These last two jokes were their first semi-duds of the battle but Joe’s comeback brings the crowd back.
“Speaking of that, I’m in a wheelchair but April’s DUI makes her the one who has to blow into a tube before she can roll anywhere.”
Both April and Joe has smart, well-written jokes. April was a master at economizing her words. Every joke was short, mean, and unique. She may have had the most accurate joke about Joe’s voice I’ve ever heard. When facing Joe, the true challenge is that so many wheelchair jokes have already been made and April does a great job at both diversifying and coming up with unique angles. Joe’s strength is his comebacks. He knows what’s coming and he never stops firing back. The judges commend both battlers and lean towards giving the win to Joe, however, everyone wants to hear one more joke.
“April has a Sex and the City podcast and even though she’s a Miranda, her forehead is a Mr. Big.”
“Joe’s a star. His entire body’s pointy and Hollywood will eventually crush him into the pavement.”
Joe’s Mr. Big joke clinches the win, though April’s joke got a fair reaction. Eurell takes the win in an amazing battle to cap off the night.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.