ed note: Unfortunately, due to Periscope issues, many of the jokes from this week’s battles did not come out clearly. Thankfully a few highlights shone through the static.
Empty chairs aren’t a sight you usually see at Roast Battle, but that’s what we’re dealing with tonight. Blame the rain, blame people trickling back in from Thanksgiving travels, blame whatever you like. It’s weird up here in the Belly Room, but we’re going to do our damndest to fight through it.
As Boon Shok-A-Lok-A wraps up another classic rendition of “Proud Mary”, Autistic Thunder does what he can to get the crowd going, but they still seem wary. Moses, the consummate professional, is unfazed as he introduces the judges: Adam Hunter, Frank Castillo, Pat Barker, and Doug Fager. After the judges plug their meager credits, Moses asks if the crowd is ready for battles. They cheer.
“God I hope so. You guys have been lackluster all fuckin’ night.” – Moses
The first battlers of the night, virgins Bethany Therese and Nick Wuthrich, take the stage. After a surprisingly friendly introduction, Bethany takes the first swing, and these two sling hot barbs back and forth, each joke landing with a pop.
“You guys might not know this, but Nick was raised Catholic, and actually in college he majored in choir. So I’m pretty sure on stage doing comedy isn’t the only place Nick’s eaten dick.”
“You remind me of Gilda Radner… when she was battling ovarian cancer.”
For two people who’ve never Roast Battled before, these two know how to write a solid roast joke. Maybe a little wordy, sure, but they sling six jokes that are mean and funny. The assembled judges and Saudi Prince offer up some opinions.
“I wanna give it to the person with the tits, so… Nick.” – Adam Hunter
“It was great. It was like watching a librarian get confidence for the first time.” – Frank Castillo
“It looks like watching Parks and Rec on stolen cable.” – Saudi Prince
Longtime friend of the show Joe DeRosa shows up to the VIP section, and despite not having seen the battle, offers some incisive insight:
“As a modern man, I will support a woman. She wins.”
They do such a good job that the crowd requests one more joke. They quickly regret it. Nick throws out a solid OT joke, but Bethany offers up a long-winded diatribe that ends with silence.
“One less joke!” – the crowd
“Bethany’s not done writing that joke on Final Draft.” – Moses
Ultimately, Nick wins. The two hug and leave the stage, showcasing some rare virgin promise. Hopefully these two return to the ring soon.
Up next, Ryan Joseph and Nick Cain duke it out. Moses asks why they wanna do this. These two nice young men offer up very different answers.
“I’ve always wanted to do this, I’ve always wanted to improve my joke writing, and I’ve never done a roast before, so I think this will be awesome.” – Nick
“Nick is an impressionist fratboy that bangs old ladies, and something needs to be done.” – Ryan
Ryan immediately wins the crowd over, but Nick still tries to save himself and go first.
“Ryan, I say this with love: you look like a clown rapist talent manager.”
“I’m not your father.”
Ryan’s rebuttal proves simple and effective. Nick, showing how green he is, tries to sling another joke, but the crowd shouts him down. Ryan’s actual joke doesn’t land particularly hard, paving the way for Nick to swing the momentum back.
“Ryan’s a former addict. And, uh, usually, man, people look better in their before and after photos, and somehow you look worse in your after photo.”
“Oh.” – Autistic Thunder
Coach Tea plays a “wrong answer” buzzer. So much for a momentum shift. Ryan tosses out another killer, succinct rebuttal, then moves forward.
“Nick’s girlfriend’s butthole is so old and blown out, he thinks Preparation H is lube.”
For his final joke, Nick taps into his impressionist chops and changes his voice a couple of times.
*in Donald Trump voice* “You know, Ryan, they say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, but I gotta say…” *shift to Lois Griffin voice* “You’re basically blowing Anthony Jeselnik right now.”
The crowd reacts with an unpleasant mix of confusion and anger. Not only is Nick’s Donald Trump impression almost unrecognizable – I’m literally just taking a stab at who I think it’s supposed to be, it’s that bad – but the decision to do Lois Griffin midway through the joke makes zero sense. If the punchline is supposed to be Anthony Jeselnik related, why not do a Jeselnik impression? Why do a voice you’re not great with to start the joke off? Why even take the time to do this instead of just writing better jokes?
“This is too easy.”
Ryan’s final rebuttal gets yet another pop from the crowd, but his final joke falls flat. However, even though he faltered tonight, Ryan is clearly better suited for Roast Battle. Nick’s jokes are corny at best, and his decision to make a weird pivot into doing impressions still baffles me. The peanut gallery weighs in.
“It was interesting watching Jimmy Carr’s stem cells on the right, but ultimately I have to give it to the bouncer for the Lollipop Guild.” – Saudi Prince
“I feel like it was the class president and the school shooter.” – Adam Hunter
“After watching this display, I understand now why Jeremy Piven thought he could do comedy.” – Joe DeRosa
“[Ryan,] you look like you failed out of the Juggalo training academy.” – Pat Barker
Ryan is the clear crowd favorite tonight and takes home another win.
Finally, it’s time for the main event: Jay Light and Sarah Keller, treating the crowd to a three-round fight for the second week in a row. Moses knows these two are total pros, and doesn’t even give them a chance for the standard “why are you battling?” question. This crowd needs to be whacked over the head with jokes ASAP. Jay and Sarah are happy to oblige.
“Sarah looks like she got fired from Fox News for being too racist.”
“Jay looks like he still holds his penis when he has to pee really bad.”
“That’s just good strategy, c’mon! Sarah’s been working with horses her entire life, which is why she does her makeup like a rodeo clown.”
“Jay’s a lot like my horses. They’re both whipped. Jay is such a whipped bitch, he still asks for a hall pass to use the bathroom.”
“I heard Sarah didn’t write her suicide note when she tried to kill herself. I can see why, writing’s not her strong suit.”
“Jay also tried to kill himself. I’m assuming with the cardigan he ties around his neck.”
The first round sees these two feeling each other out, earning a couple big laughs and some smaller chuckles too. The judges weigh in:
“This is a vicious PTA meeting from Echo Park.” – Saudi Prince
“After watching this display, I realize why Stormy Daniels thought she could do comedy.” – Joe DeRosa
“Am I crazy, or am I the only one who still notices the sexual tension between Squints and Wendy Peffercorn?” – Pat Barker
Jay ultimately takes the first round, and Sarah defers to him for the second round. He starts off grinning.
“When Sarah was 14, she dated a twenty-five-year old counselor at her horse camp. As the old saying goes – you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him stop fucking teenagers.”
“The law calls what happened to Sarah statutory rape, but for Sarah, it was consensual. Because at horse camp at no one ever told her neigh means neigh.”
“Now, her first boyfriend is in prison for making child pornography. Good news: Sarah isn’t in any of the videos. Bad news: it’s because she didn’t get a callback.”
Sarah stays poised and launches into her trio of jokes.
“I’m gonna fact check Jay. You can stop a pedophile if you put him in prison. Jay is like constipation, because he’s full of shit and refuses to come out.”
“Jay got so excited when Trump was elected he grabbed himself by the pussy.”
“Jay Light’s actually a very misleading name, because he definitely has a heavier period than I do.”
It seems like it could be anyone’s game at this point. Moses throws to the judges, who unanimously give it to Sarah while highlighting Jay’s creativity.
“I think this is a great commentary on how far white men have fallen. Because Jay had such beautiful, well-written jokes, and Sarah just walked in and was like ‘THIS MAN’S A PUSSY!’ It worked, and it sucked.” – Frank Castillo
We’re all tied up, folks. Jay is chosen to start the final round.
“Sarah is a white trash basic bitch, which means her favorite food is gluten-free cousin dick.”
“Jay doesn’t eat ass. But he does give it eskimo kisses.”
“Sarah tried to kill herself on vacation at her family’s cabin after discovering her gluten allergy. My God! Even your suicide attempt had white privilege.”
Jay’s joke unfortunately doesn’t land. And from here, his total unraveling begins.
“Jay, you’re more stunned at that than when you found out females can orgasm.”
“They can? Shit!”
“Jay is such an effeminate douche, even his boat shoes have heels.”
“Bein’ called effiminate by this girl who looks like she got her face from the Grand Ol’ Post-Opry. Sarah used to cut herself. She never needed to use a razor blade since she had such a sharp chin.”
Jay’s final joke doesn’t totally flop, but it’s obvious that it won’t top Sarah’s most recent volleys.
“Oh no, I fell apart!”
“I shoulda saved the pedophile jokes for later on…”
“I know I said that Jay’s a pussy, and dickless, and can’t satisfy a woman, and all that. But the truth is… he’s also a terrible comedian.”
In case you can’t tell by the photo above, Jay does not look normal. Something shifted. And Sarah’s jokes landing with massive pops only exacerbates his panic. As the rest of the room prepares to give Sarah the obvious win, things go off the rails completely.
“That was a great battle, I’m gonna give it two towers down. That was fucking fire, a 9 out of 11 from me… I’m gonna give it to the Stanford swim team rapist.” – Saudi Prince
“Jay would never rape a woman… without apologizing afterwards.” – Sarah Keller
“Sarah just didn’t want me to make any more pedophile jokes because she’s afraid that I’d think she’s flirting with her. What the fuck even just came out of my mouth?” – Jay Light
Jay pulls out a notebook to try and remember a joke that might actually work.
“Sarah wrote hundreds of jokes for the Roast of Alec Baldwin and none got used. The last time Sarah put that much useless effort into something, it was loving her dad.” – Jay Light
“Awwwwwww!” – the crowd
“HOW DID THAT WIND UP BEING CUTE?! Fuck you guys, Jesus!” – Jay Light
“It’s like Jay threw the roast so he could try and fuck Sarah.” – Adam Hunter
“Doesn’t Jay look like the banker that loves telling black people their loan is declined?” – Joe DeRosa
“I’ve never seen a white guy fall apart that that bad and not kill a bunch of people.” – Frank Castillo
“Well, there’s still time.” – Jay Light
“You ever see a guy score a touchdown and he fumbles on the one yard line? This was like Jay had a heart attack and died on the one yard line. And then they revived him and he died again, like, four times.” – Pat Barker
Moses offers Jay the chance to tell yet another joke, even though Sarah is the clear victor.
“Sarah used to work at Disney World as Ariel, which makes sense ‘cuz her tits are under a C.”
Amazingly enough, it gets an applause break.
“You saved that joke for your seventeenth joke of the night?” – Pat Barker
After Jay tries and fails again to get a proper sentence out of his mouth to rebut Pat, the judges lay in on him a little more. And although Jay’s floundering and vamping is entertaining, Sarah has earned her victory fair and square.
And with that, we’ll see you next week.