It is the night of the midterm elections. Everyone is proudly wearing their “I voted” stickers as a way of saying “I have now earned the right to complain on my Facebook statuses.” It’s also Tuesday night, which means the Belly Room is ready to hear some creative ways comedians call each other fat or gay! We watch as the Chantmaster’s half-naked body is jiggling with jubilant energy as he jumps up and down. The crowd is chanting “Battle!” with The Chantmaster but quickly fades as soon as he leaves the stage.
Host Brian Moses introduces our judges for the evening, who have all now taken their seats. Overseeing and weighing in on the battles tonight are Frank Castillo, Justine Marino, Earl Skakel, and Annie Lederman. Self-proclaimed big-dicked Earl Skakel’s episode of the Roast Battle podcast is out now if you’d like to have a listen.
First up is Kali and Cory Fernandez. Kali volunteers to go first and we are off to the races.
“Um, Cory. You look like your cum tastes like corn flakes. And not the sugary kind kids like. That brown shit that stays on the shelf just like your career.”
“Kali looks like one of those dreamers who is pretending to be a hipster just so she can vote today.”
“Cory tells everyone that his dream is to be a movie star but his real dream is to be black. Cory wants to be black so bad, he hates Mexicans. Bitch ass wigga… That was too much? My bad.”
Earl chimes in now with “Not enough.”
“Kali talks like her brain is still running on 2G.”
“It’s the midterm election today and America is waiting to stop getting fucked by an asshole and Cory can’t wait to get his asshole fucked… because he’s gay, actually.…”
The Chantmaster chimes in with “Finish Her!” and the crowd dies laughing.
Cory now forgets his last joke so he starts going through his phone. It takes him so long to “find the joke” that Coach T plays the “Jeopardy Theme Song”. Kali just yells “He has a penis, so he gets extra time!”
An undercard battle is three jokes that you have weeks to write and memorize. There have even been times that comedians bring their phones or a clipboard on stage with them and still do well. However, if there is one thing you shouldn’t do, it’s waste everybody’s time saying nothing. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has a head injury from a bar fight. He finally finds it.
“Kali is like the Dominican Benjamin Button. The longer she stays in this country, the stronger her accent gets.”
“Worth the wait”, Earl sarcastically remarks. The judges remind us what laughing feels like again as they lay into the two. Earl then asks if “Haiti can still win” and the people that remember what the show once was start chanting for Haiti. Basically, when the two people battling were so bad that neither deserved to win, the audience decided it went to “Haiti”. Nowadays, it usually goes to Coach T, who will play a funny song during the failure happening on stage.
The funniest part of this moment is when Kali says, “I’m not even Haitian…” Kali wins the battle because she gets the better crowd reaction. They are probably mad they had to wait while Cory was finding the perfect GIF on his phone instead of telling his last joke.
Next up, Todd Walker and Willie Simon take the stage. This battle was so awful that I will respect the battlers’ wishes not to post the jokes. It can be summed up by Brian Moses saying “This isn’t easy!”. It was not the worst battle in history but their inexperience worked against them. Nobody truly understands why all of Todd’s jokes were Viva La Bam themed but it shows how deep MTV2 still thrives within him. The crowd is so hungry for a laugh that they clap at anything that sounds like a joke during this battle. It was a pretty evenly matched undercard but the audience gives it to Todd Walker by a hair.
Ethan Stanislawski and Dean Peters are next. Dean confidently volunteers to go first and immediately jumps into his first joke, thirsty for blood.
“If your people bombed as hard as you do, Palestine wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Wow, a Jew joke after the Pittsburgh shooting, and you think my timing is bad? That’s like the pot calling the kettle kike.”
“Good one, Jonah Hillbilly. The only thing Ethan likes more than Rick and Morty Reruns is correcting women about Rick and Morty reruns.”
“Dean was kidnapped as a child in Alabama, and his kidnapper gave him back. How shitty of a kid must you have been for your kidnapper to give you back in Alabama? You must have been so shitty of a kid Roy Moore wouldn’t fuck you.”
“Ethan’s best friend killed himself when he was 20 years old. I’m sorry, I’m a little nervous. Ethan’s only friend killed himself when he was 20 years old.”
“You look like Larry the Cable Guy was raped by a weasel.”
This is definitely the most consistent and best battle so far. Both Ethan and Dean came in with jokes and puns that hit. For the first time tonight, the energy in the room is buzzing. Dean’s “Jonah Hillbilly” and Rick and Morty joke get the biggest pops so the crowd awards him the W.
Brian Moses calls Quentin to the stage first. The subject of Brandon Jeddi is brought up, who recently passed away. As an Orange County staple, Brandon was a very well-liked and talented comedian that is and always will be deeply missed in the comedy community. He was a natural both in writing and performing beautifully crafted roast jokes in Roast Battle. Moses asks Quentin if he knows what happened and Quentin remarks that it is “personal and private.” Roast in Peace, Brandon.
When asked why Quentin is battling Isaac he says “My girlfriend used to hit me so I know little bitches under 100 pounds put up a good fight.” This assures that this will be a great fight. As soon as the audience sees Isaac, they react to Quentin’s comment. There is some ribbing between the battlers and the judges. Frank remarks that “the winner of this battle gets a pint of blood”, Earl says he is rooting for the “Guy with AIDS” and Brian Moses calls Isaac “Yung HIV”. Yung HIV starts off the battle.
“Quentin once tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a window. You know what they say: “When God closes a door, he wants you to kill yourself.”
“You look like vacuum sealed Rick Moranis.”
“Quentin’s real last night is Moscaritolo, which is almost as hard for people to say as ‘Quentin, I love you.’”
“Isaac is autistic and his dick doesn’t work. Who knew the ed in special ed stood for erectile dysfunction.”
The Chantmaster Austistic Thunder himself, now comes up to the stage and high fives Isaac for being autistic. Autistic Thunder yells, “Yes! He did it!”.
“Those were his laughs, Quentin. I just want you to know that. Quentin’s parents pay his rent. I’d say ‘Must be nice’ but Quentin has tried to kill himself a lot so I guess it isn’t.”
“Isaac, you’re more insecure than the rope I used to hang myself.”
“Quentin is in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Sacramento. How does it feel that this girl would rather live in Sacramento than be with you?”
“Funny enough, Isaac is also in a long distance relationship between him and every woman. Isaac once went to an orgy and left cause those aren’t the kind of trains he’s into.”
“Quentin dropped out of college while pursuing a Communications degree which must be why he’s so bad at cries for help.”
“It’s not fair, Isaac has so much time to write while he’s waiting for someone to get him out of the locker.”
The crowd is still laughing as the judges begin to weigh in. The judges panel is joined by Tony Hinchcliffe, who starts off by saying he wants to see this battle go into overtime. He reads the room well as the energy is booming and they are not yet ready to leave. There are a couple jokes about how Isaac looks a lot like Tony. Isaac himself even says “Tony. Look closer. I’m you.” Hinchcliffe gets worked up and launches into one of his “I am Tony Hinchcliffe. I am one of the best top young rising comedians!” rants, which is hilarious.
The other judges weigh in and agree that this battle should go into overtime. Quentin goes first.
“It looks like the only thing you eat is knuckle sandwiches.”
“This guy is 6’ 7″ and he told he never tried to play basketball. Quentin, you’re a huge waste! Also, you should have played basketball.”
Although both jokes are arguably good, Isaac’s overtime joke doesn’t really hit. With the crowd’s slow-building enthusiasm hitting its peak, these two probably could have kept going. However, you have to keep them wanting more. The judges give Quentin the W. What a crazy night with great jokes, fun battles, and also undertones of sexual harassment and death!! See you next week!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.