With hopes high for the return of Roast Battle to the US after its UK season airs next month, every comic in Tinseltown is salivating at the chance to showcase their skills. Also recently announced, Los Angeles is holding a Roast Battle tournament in the Belly Room starting in a few weeks. In other words, do yourself a favor, and get down to the Comedy Store to see the best damn show in town, as hungry, horny and often hilarious comics fight for the spotlight.

Let’s meet our judges!

We’ve got a trio of badass bastards ready to pass judgment on any and every pig, poser and paddywhack in sight. If you watched movies in the 1980’s chances are you’ve seen Cort McCown. Since then, Cort has been grinding it out at every comedy club across the country, hosting shows for Playboy and busting balls and boobs in the Belly Room. You’ve seen Ryan Sickler on the Late Late Show and Fox Sports, and you can see his razor wit on display live tonight. Finally, a Roast Battle favorite known for having legendary battles, Pat Barker has been making a name for himself as a TV writer and guy who knows a lot about sports. But when he’s in the Belly Room, he’s out for blood. Let’s roast!

First fight of the night gives us some black on blackish crime, as DeeCee Edwards goes blow-for-blow with Sasha Sanchez.

I’ve never seen DeeCee Edwards, but if his performance tonight is anything like his stand up videos online he’ll be poorly lit, at an awkward angle and hard to hear. Sasha Sanchez has had a couple contests and a couple wins but has yet to really come out and claim his spot at as a serious contender. Will tonight be the night he becomes a certified killer or will we see another uneventful victory? Or will DeeCee surprise everybody and take the win? Anything can happen on a Tuesday night.

Matchup number two sees Las Vegas’ own Bobby Wayne Stauts taking shots at a man no city would claim, Michael Amico.

Michael Amico has had no luck in the Belly Room, having nothing but below average performances in the past. Bobby Wayne Stauts will roll the dice on his Belly Room debut with this unlovable schmuck. If luck is a lady tonight, these two creeps are going to Weinstein her (without all the money and influence, of course). It’s a safe bet that this battle will be mediocre at best. The odds on this battle are at ten-to-one in favor of Bobby Wayne, with a distinct possibility of this being the worst tragedy to come out of Las Vegas this year.

The third undercard pits Doon Sanders against Kelly McConville.

Doon Sanders had a great debut followed by some decent bouts that saw him walk away the loser. Kelly McConville had a somewhat bizarre debut on a pretty bizarre night a couple months ago. I’m pretty sure the “Margaret Choke” joke has been used multiple times, but it may never be more accurate than in reference to Kelly’s first fight freeze up. No matter who takes this one, we know they’re both having pie to celebrate afterwards (and probably before too).

Sharon Houston seeks to batter Adam Gropman in the night’s fourth fight.

This looks like the battle to see whose kids can better explain Net Neutrality to them. Sharon Houston had an explosive debut in October and is looking to further establish herself a feared force to reckon with, but Jeff Ross seemed skeptical. After her last performance, The Roastmaster decried she must battle more and she’s back tonight to silence the skepticism. Adam Gropman has a couple wins and burritos under his belt, but Sharon will be his biggest challenge to date, besides paying child support. Come tonight to see who’ll win when Iggy Pop transitioned takes on Adam Sandler gave up.

Last, and possibly least, human hashtag Kevin McNamara faces off against the loud, proud Jasmin Leigh.

You might recognize Jasmin Leigh from yelling behind the judges in the VIP section, and Kevin Mac from boning a MILF in a Brazzers video. These two have been controversial figures with pretty impressive figures. Jasmin has done everything from call out her opponent for not writing their own jokes to bombing on cable television, all with the vim and vigor of somebody trying to get on the news behind an onsite reporter. Kevin was last seen eating a serious slice of humble pie served up hot by an invincible Jay Light. No matter what happens between these two wannabe superstars, it will definitely be documented on Instagram.

Finishing off the night is our special three-round main event, with old favorite “Scary” Keith Carey takes on rising star “Cold” Nicole Becannon.

Nicole is one of the hottest battlers on the scene, and I’m not talking about her looks, obviously. This dead-eyed Gollum color guard is one of the most talented writers and performers in the game today. She’s battling one of the most sought-after insult slingers of all time, and I’m not talking about his looks, obviously. This looks like the battle between the chubby awkward chick from high school who was dating the clearly gay kid struggling with his sexuality and the former gutter punk who tapped dicks with him in the boy’s locker room one time. It’s the sixth-string cheerleader taking on the kid who went out for wrestling to rub up on other dudes, but quit during hell week because they made him run. Keith looks like he’s been asked to shower before sex on a consistent basis. Having said all that, he is the best battler there is. His record doesn’t reflect it, but his matches do. Everybody has their best battle against Keith. If the show were a sport, he’d be average, but it’s not a sport, it’s entertainment. Keith is the most entertaining battler, no goddamn doubt about it. Whether you agree or not, one thing’s for sure, these two Garbage Pail Kids are going put on a great fucking show tonight. So be there or at the very least, catch all the action on Periscope. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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