by Richie Gaines, photos by Troy Conrad

The night starts out on a fun
and playful note as Earl Skakel calls out Eli Sairs, the New York champion, after getting
word that our own FORMER champ Alex Hooper LOST like a LOSER in New York. L.A.
did hold it down as the other two battles went our way, but the club champion title is now in
New York and our House Hater, is out for blood.

This is where
the friendly insults, and for the most part funny ones, ends as Brian brings up
Reggie and Manny. After they both agree that they think each other suck and is
“a piece of shit,” while failing to take shots at Mike Lawrence, they begin.

“Reggie’s been doing comedy for
three and a half years, but the only booking I’ve ever seen him get – he was
arrested for a bench warrant.”

The reaction to that joke is nonexistent.

“They’ve created a moment of
silencio.” – Mike Lawrence

Nevertheless, they persisted.

“I want to be nice to Manny…
uh… he’s actually a good performer… he’s a song and dance man, he’s also kind
of… kind of funny… uh… he… “

“Was this booked by email?” –
Earl Skakel.

“They’re so bad Mencia wouldn’t
steal jokes from them.” – Mike Lawrence 

“I wanna see you in like, a
boy band so I can hear her say, ‘I want the gross one,’”

“I’d like to hear you tell a
longer joke if possible?” – Earl Skakel

Reggie and Manny are so bad
that all this has gone down and they’ve only told one joke! This battle doesn’t
deserve more attention, but here are the other two, I guess you could call them
“things”, that Manny and Reggie say to each other.

“You done now? You illiterate
fuck, are you done now?” – Manny

“Its called Verbal Boxing not
verbal diarrhea.” – Marcella Arguello

“Let him tell his joke.” – Jeff Ross

“Reggie is to comedy what the
Bowling Green massacre is to history…. It never happened.”

“If I were to cast Manny in a
movie it’d be an ugly Mexican… or an angel… an ugly Mexican named Angel.”

“Crass, Minor Threat, Suicidal Tendencies, and Cock Sparer… yes these are great punk bands, but
they’re also perfect adjectives to describe Reggie’s personality.” 

“Manny once told me his
favorite sexual position is called chlamydia, and I was like ‘I don’t get it,’
and he says, ‘you gotta fuck me to get it.’”

These guys didn’t stand a
chance, but they were hugging each other and you can tell that they’re friends
and that is a part of what it’s all about. The other part would be writing jokes, and then moving on to writing funny jokes, but I’m glad they could
bond as friends in front of a paying crowd and national headliners.

“Keep it going for just being
here.” – Brian Moses 

“That was terríble.” – Mike
Lawrence

“I am full blown Latina at
that was a fucking embarrassment.” – Marcella Arguello

“I’d rather watch their pet
chickens fight each other.” – Mike Lawrence

This battle has gotten more
than the time it deserves.  Haiti
wins. This battle finally comes to a close and Moses brings up Anthony Dayo who
takes the stage with enormous swagger, like some kind of WWE R&B
singer. When Moses asks Dayo why he’s battling
Raab, Dayo responds like Nas on Power 106 being asked about Jay Z in the early
2000’s. 

“Why are you battling your
boy Raab?” – Moses

“That’s not my boy.” – Dayo

The crowd erupts. As it
stands now Dayo has won the crowd over. Especially because Raab gets called up
to the stage, and there may not be anyone with a more unlikable hair cut – a
mullet.

“You look like you own a pet
falcon.” – Mike Lawrence

Dayo goes first.

“First of all… I brought a
lil’ somethin’… (Dayo pulls a trash liner out of his pocket)… had to get the Glad bag, because every time I look at Raab, all I see is white trash.”

“Look at you with your head
full of burnt Cheetos right now. Yo, you look like if Buckwheat from the Little Rascals grew up to be, uh… a gay porn star named Fuckwheat.”

“Real funny Randy Johnson
face… a lot of people don’t know, Raab came this close to staring in a porno.
It was titled “cousins having sex.” But once he found out they wasn’t using
real family members… this guy walked right off set.”

“This dude ran away from
North Philly to pursue comedy out here. I’ve never seen him kill a crowd, but I
call him ‘The Fresh Prince of Dead Air.’”

“People don’t know, Raab had
ten step fathers… but you got molested eleven times.”

“Anthony works at restaurant
down the street called ‘Off Vine,’ but it’s funny and ironic because his whole
family is swinging on and off the vines.”

It is pretty awkward after
Raab’s last joke. Earl jumps in to break the ice.

“I did not write that joke.”
– Earl Skakel

This battle had high hopes,
but was unfortunately no good. Raab had the first joke to hit of the night with
his ‘Fresh Prince of Dead Air,’ and then all it took was that bad ‘Vines’ joke
for everyone to forget.

“This might be the first time
in Roast Battle history that Hait goes 2-0.” – Earl Skakel

“They were both so unfunny I
thought they were both booked off of Vine.” –Mike Lawrence

“This was very dramatic. You
both look like you’re auditioning for Othello
or some shit.” – Marcella Arguello

“MTV2’s Othello.” –Mike Lawrence

“Anthony looks like the
Wayans brother that doesn’t get invited to family reunions.” – Mike Lawrence

“You look like you live in a
tent.” – Dayo (to Mike).

Dayo still had swagger and
confidence toward the end; he was unfortunately missing a smile and the general
vibe that he was having a good time. Raab was having a good time, but how could
he not be with the amount he obviously had to drink. Raab was slurring his
words and when he said, “my last joke sucked,” he sounded like a guy in a
nineties rom-com, sad about his ex right before his best friend gives the “go
get her!” pep talk. The bottom line is, you need to be prepared, but then be
prepared to have fun.

“We want people to have fun
when we come here. This is a party for us. So don’t take it too seriously.” – Jeff Ross

Haiti gets his second win of the night and the two actual battlers leave the
stage with their tails between their legs. Dayo wants to get out of there so
fast he almost forgets to hug Raab.

“He literally looks like he’s
living in the sunken place right now.” – Mike Lawrence

The show goes on. Moses calls Jasmin Leigh to stage, Beyoncé drops
and what ensues might be the best Roast Battle intro of 2017. All of Jasmin’s
ladies come stage with her and dance to Bey’s “Run the World (Girls).” It’s
the second most awesome thing a lady will do during this battle. 

Jasmin is pumped and ready to go, the crowd loves her, and then Moses asks her why she chose
to battle Lou Vahram.

“Because Lou used to beat his
girlfriend, so I want him to see how it feels to be beat by a real bitch.”

“I like how she was like ‘I
want to defend woman who get beat,’ and she was like ‘I’m a real bitch,’ like
she insulted the woman who got beat up by calling herself a real bitch,
implying the bitch isn’t real, that’s a fucked up start for Women’s History Month.” – Marcella Arguello

Lou tries taking some
mis-timed shots at Mike and Marcella, doing what Lou does best: losing the
entire audience before the show has even begun.

“Hey Lou, not all of your
punches land on woman.” – Mike Lawrence

Jeff Ross misdirects the
hostility and Lou begins.

“Jasmin’s so ghetto that the
door of the closet she came out of had bullet holes in it.”

“Lou’s real kinky in bed. He
likes to punch his partners until they have sex with him.”

“Thank you hood rugrat. Your
stepfather’s currently receiving disability checks and he’s still not as lazy as
your joke writing.”

Now this was a good joke that
evoked a response from the wave, but nobody could have guessed what was about
to happen. Porn star Sylvia Saige stands center stage for a moment while we’re
all wondering, “what’s going on?” and “Who is this woman?” After a brief pause,
Sylvia pulls out her breasts while Haiti and Jamar, in diapers, suck on her
boobs. And that is the most amazing thing a woman does all night. 

Unfortunately
for Lou, who at this point landed two solid jokes, the room cannot focus on
anything else. All the momentum Lou gained is now gone.

“Lou was heartbroken when his
mom died, but then he realized he could use her insurance money to buy himself
a girlfriend.”

“Jasmin graduated from
culinary school which means she can whip up a soufflé and also get whipped up
by her master.”

It turns into the night of
100 racist last jokes. Due to Lou’s joke and Sylvia Saige’s dope tits, it feels
like Lou never even told two other jokes that hit. Nothing Jasmin said lands
until she throws in an unsolicited fourth joke.

“Everyone says Lou doesn’t
have talent, but he does. It takes a lot of talent to fuck up at being white.”

Unfortunately she didn’t use
this one while the battle was actually happening.

“This is a bad start for Women’s History Month” – Marcella Arguello

“This is a great start. It
shows that if you work hard and apply yourself you can have two black guys in
diapers molest you.” – Earl Skakel

Jeff thinks Jasmin didn’t
bring it tonight, as he is obviously a fan of hers. Jasmin requests to do one
more joke.

“Lou has a Persian
girlfriend. So at least one of than can grow facial hair.”

This joke lands, but
something is off about this battle.

“I think battles work best
when they’re a duet and the people actually like each other.” –Mike Lawrence

Jasmin claims she likes Lou,
but there is definitely animosity in the room. Of course, now that Jasmin got
one more joke, Lou asks mom to ride front seat on the way back doing another as
well. 

“Jasmin, it looks like a
spider did your weave.”

As that joke bombs, the room
gets the fuel it needs to fully dislike Lou. Lou had the battle. His first two
jokes were great. If Lou can win the battle against his almost ridiculous
unlikabilty, he will be a killer. As this battle comes to a close, Haiti ends
up winning again, 3-0 for the night. 

Carmen Morales gets called to the stage for
the next battle and like the beast she is, resets the entire room, almost
immediately, after all the nonsense we’ve seen so far.

“I feel an energy shift.”
– Jeff Ross

“For the love of God please
save this show Rosita O’Donnell.” –Mike Lawrence

“I’ll try you fuzzy donut.”
–Carmen Morales

Brett Erickson takes the stage
and is immediately funny as well.

“This is a big night for
Carmen, it’s the first time she’s bitten off more than she can chew.”

Finally, everybody is ready
to hear jokes and we know this is going to be a great battle.

“Brett’s a vegan because he
hit a goat with his car… and uh… I think he hit a cat too, because he’s a
huuuuge fuckin’ pussy.”

“Carmen gets her looks from
her parents… she has her mothers eyes and her fathers beard.”

“Good one Doug Stan-no-hope…”

Brett cuts in, obviously a
little unfamiliar with Roast Battle manners. Forgivable being that this is his
first time. 

“Carmen contacted Doug
Stanhope to get jokes about me, I contacted Dollar Shave Club.”

This does hit, but it was a
little awkward, as we go back to Carmen.

“Brett’s ex-wife left him for
Jesus. She’d rather believe in a fake God than a phony comedy career.”

“Carmen actually made a sex
tape with Leonardo Dicaprio, maybe you’ve seen it, The Revenant?”

“Brett is one of those cool
dads who introduced sex and drugs to his kids at an early age, but at least he
drugged ‘em before he fucked ‘em.”

“This is a tough time for
Carmen politically, you see, She’s half Mexican, half wall.”

“Brett lives in West
Hollywood, but his hairline lives in Reseda.”

“Hollywood has been tough on
Carmen. She lost out a role on HBO’s The
Leftovers
when she claimed to be unfamiliar with the concept.”

The room is lit. Brett and
Carmen were great and the judges agree.

“Carmen, you walked out here
like a headliner and shifted the whole room around.” – Jeff Ross

“That’s just one thing I’ve
done that Brett’s never done.” – Carmen Morales

“That’s just one thing, as a
headliner you should be able to follow any bullshit that goes behind you.”
– Jeff Ross

“I did.” – Brett Erickson

“Who knew that a guy in a
blazer would save comedy tonight?” – Mike Lawrence

“Thank you.” – Carmen Morales

“You guys were fucking great.
You both saved the fucking show tonight.” – Mike Lawrence

It’s a great battle that
ends in Brett taking the win. To follow that, two more amazing comics, Julian McCullough and Ben Gleib take the stage. At this point the judges and
battlers are all friends, so it is very complimentary before Julian starts.

“2016 was really rough for me
I got divorced and lost my family. Ben put out a Showtime special and I had a
better year.”

“That was a solid compliment joke,
thank you. You can see it, it’s called Neurotic Gangster. Check it out,
on demand, right now.”

“You really can’t stop.”

“Julian looks like the guy
who was sad when frosted tips went out of style.”

“Thank you Jewy C.K. Ben’s
grandparents took a look at him when he was born and became the first Jews in
history to regret surviving the Holocaust. “

“Thank you fucked up dolphin
teeth. Let me just say, Julian used to be on the show Guy Code which is ironic because his wife just changed the code to
their front door.”

“Ben is amazing at hosting
awful shit. He hosts Idiotest on
Game Show Network, his own podcast, and four brutal strains of HPV.”

“Julian mentioned I have a
Showtime special. I want to congratulate you; he got his first stand up special
green lit. YouTube said he can upload it from his phone as long as it’s not
over 40 megabytes.”

Julian has a little mental
slip here and needs to check his phone.

“Ben you look like Jewish Ted
Bundy. You’re so cheap, you use the same sheet you fuck through to hide the
body.”

“If you needed to find a joke
you could have looked at one of your chins. Julian, I feel bad because recently
he broke his sobriety, but it’s probably better for you because it must have
sucked having to beat your wife sober.”

This battle was very good and
fun. Even though Moses arranged this battle, you can tell they both respect
each other and had a good time doing it.

“I mean you both look like
you spent more time on your hair than writing.” –Mike Lawrence

“Mike, you look like you
spend all your time on writing.” – Julian McCullough

“Yeah Julian, that’s why I’m
still working in T.V.” – Mike Lawrence.

“Oh that’s right, Stranger Things season 2 is just your
genitals.” – Julian McCullough

“I wish I was Ben Gleib so
this would have been a fun battle.” –Mike Lawrence

“Ben, I love that your joke
writing is fighting against your innate unlikability” –Mike Lawrence

“Says the wolf-man.” – Ben
Gleib

“I’m waiting for you to
transform into a headliner.” – Mike Lawrence

It was fun to see battlers
and the judges firing at each other. A lot of times there are a lot of lame
“who are you again?” and “you’re a nobody” jokes from the judges which get a
little tired, but rarely we get to see everybody on the same playing field. In
the end, Ben takes the win. 

After Boon takes the stage, we move ahead into our
main event: Greg Roque versus Jacob Trimmer.

“Greg’s Mexican, but the only
time he leans like a cholo is when he has low tire pressure.”

“Jacob really likes comic
books. Which is funny, because he’s one comic no one books.”

“Thank you swap meet Steven
Hawking. Greg gets to the Belly Room the same way he gets through shows…
carried by a stronger comedian.”

“My legs are a lot like
Jacob’s comedy career. Both of them don’t work and neither one is going
anywhere, anytime soon.”

“Good one Optimus Prime
candidate for euthanasia. Greg’s dating a Jewish girl, because she likes her
men like she likes her bread – incapable of rising.”

“Jacob is a shitty Uber
driver and is actually Jewish. Which means he’s used to getting one star.”

“Greg was abused as a kid and
he would have killed himself, but his roof wasn’t wheelchair accessible.”

“Good one American History
Eczema. Jacob your skin is so bad, I don’t know if you have more blackheads on
your face or hanging from your tree.”

“Thank you prematurely
picked Cabbage Patch Kid.  Greg’s
stuck in California, because it’s illegal to transform vegetables across state
lines.”

“How are Jacob and Mr. Clean
alike? They’re both skinheads who won’t stop until all the black and brown is
removed.”

Greg’s last joke didn’t
really hit, but overall it was a fantastic battle.

“Jacob you look like every
BBQ celebrity chef on Food Network. You look like you operate the carnival ride
Greg got injured on. One had better jokes and one had a better parking space”
-Mike Lawrence

“Great battle you guys, it
looks like a Godsmack meet and greet.” – Jeff Ross

It is clear Jacob won. Jacob
had an occasion to rise to tonight and he most certainly did. Even though Jacob
won, the crowd and Wave want one more and the boys deliver.

“Greg’s comedy is like his
spine. Not strong enough to support him.”

“While in prison, so many
Mexicans entered Jacobs asshole I’m waiting for El Chapo to tunnel out.”

Greg is kind of taking a
beating at this point, luckily he’ll only feel it from the waist up.

“Just like in a real race, he
crawled to the finish line.” – Mike Lawrence

As did this weeks battles.
Such a hot and cold night. Haiti went 3-0 due to the garbage at the beginning
of the show, but it was turned around by three amazing battles. A crippled kid
gets his feelings hurt, headliners embarrass themselves, we find out that a guy
beats woman and tits! Tits! What a night!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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