It’s another Tuesday night and you know what that means! We’re back to destroy souls with verbal violence. To catch you up, March Madness has blessed us with another tournament. The finalists of this Belly Room tournament will be hitting the road doing The Nashville Comedy Festival on April 11th, Stand-Up Live Huntsville in Alabama on the 12th, and Rockefellers in Houston, Texas on the 13th. On the first night of the Preliminaries, Keith Carey and Dan Nolan moved on. Tonight is the second night of the Preliminaries with two tournament matches peppered in amongst regularly scheduled battles. The judges are a surprise for now, so you’ll have to show up to find out. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
Our first undercard pits Alice Hamilton against Stephanie Wain. Two up-and-comers on the comedy scene, this rivalry looks like it began when they both picked up the same dress on the Forever 21 sales rack. Stephanie looks like she’s going to explain how the male gaze ruins your favorite childhood movies. Alice, on the other hand, tries to say goodbye and she chokes. She tries to walk away but she stumbles. I’m sorry, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with Macy Gray. Let’s see if this extra from Dear White People’s jokes are as solid as her natural hair game. Hopefully this will be a good battle between a Starbucks customer versus a Starbucks customer who just called the police. Who will win? Jezebel.com or Black Twitter?
Our next battle is Austin Nasso against Easton Gage. It’s My Big Fat Greek Rapist versus Can’t Even Afford To Live In Encino Man. Austin looks like a stock photo of a stalker. This guy’s eyebrows. Good lord. They’re so bushy, I bet he jumps out of them when he rapes women. He is pictured here laughing at the horrific death of young children. Easton, on the other hand, is pictured here saying the N word at a family pool party. He reminds me of every guy that takes out a guitar to show you how poorly he can play “Wonderwall”. Who will win? The Uber driver with a boring business deal to tell you about or the frat brother with secrets? Who is a bigger Joe Rogan podcast fan? My money is on one of them fist bumping someone when they walk on stage.
Our next victims are Robyn Blake and Joseph Thorne. Oh, it’s that super funny trans Roast Battler named Robin! Oh wait. It’s the other one. This Robyn hates men so much, they became one! Constantly questioning their own gender and sexuality but somehow never questioning whether or not we care, this strong bad ass has battled a couple times before and was entertaining to watch. Joseph Thorne is pictured here on sale at Walmart. They talk about “the People of Walmart”, but no one talks about the people they sell you at Walmart. This guy looks like he’s about to tell Napoleon Dynamite Although I’ve never met Joseph, when I asked a friend who he was, he just said “that gay guy that talks about uncircumcised dicks a lot”. These two remind me of a Humanitarian Fight Club where the number one rule is to never talk about your problems anywhere other than on Facebook. Who’s gonna win? Clit dick or unclipped dick?
The first match in the tournament pits Sarah Keller against Greg Roque. Sarah Keller looks like someone that keeps her aborted fetuses in a jar for nostalgia as most people do baby teeth. This Single Mom Barbie hit a rough couple battles against Omid Singh and Alex Hooper, where she went for some bold moves that didn’t quite pay off. However, she just pulled out a massive win against Alex Duong only three days ago at South by Southwest. She’s earned her status by going into the ring with heavy hitters and beating them. This time, she faces off against Greg Roque. “Roque” sounds like the last thing Scooby Doo said before he ran Greg over with the Mystery Machine. With his effortless demeanor, Greg has also battled the big dogs and came out a champ. In fact, he has the highest winning percentage out of anyone in the Tournament. Who will win? Overrated or ran over?
Our second match of the Texas tournament has Doug Fager facing off against Nicole Becannon. Otherwise a forgettable white guy, Doug’s goofy confidence always elevate his unusually long jokes into pure gold. He’s a charming guy. Meaning, he puts a new charm on his lady bracelet for every girl he date rapes. I’m kidding. He just likes girls that are blackout drunk. A guy can’t have a type? Leave him alone! His brother is dead. Nicole Becannon may have dead eyes, but her creative jokes always bring life to the Belly Room. With a kind and calm energy, her biting jokes always shock and delight the audience. That being said, the bags under her eyes are so big, they set off the alarms when she walks out of a Gucci store she can’t afford. She looks like a model for that other store in the mall she can’t afford. Forever 41. As Doug and Nicole are both insanely likable and talented comedians, this is sure to be an entertaining battle.
The last battle of the night will be Paige Wesley engaging in verbal carnage with Billy Anderson. Paige has proven to be an incredibly strong battler but we’re all just glad she survived that blueberry accident in the Chocolate Factory. Billy Anderson is the Honda Civic of Roast Battle performers. Reliable, clean, but mostly just very bland. I’ve seen dish rags that have kept my attention longer. Both battle tested and approved, this audience should be in for a treat. Then Paige will eat that treat.
Will these battles be even matched or will some leave so beat up we will start to wonder if Jussie Smollett hired someone to do it? Find out tonight, you monsters.