The crowd is ready for blood, especially now that Brody Stevens as been added to the firing squad alongside The Sklar Brothers, Daniel Van Kirk and Cort McCown. Moses is sporting a timely “Scary Terry” T-shirt. Terry Rozier, of the Celtics, has been going off. We’re anxious to see if these boys from Boston, Alex Gettlin and Luke Touma, can hold it down like their team back east. Brody is already upset that there is a boring, Boston backstory, and he believes the crowd to be bad. Luckily Willie Hunter shows up to join Jamar and Jeremiah on the Negro Wave to get some life pumped into the room before this battle starts. Luke goes first.
“Alex, thank you for missing that Limp Bizkit concert to be here. You look like you buy your roofies at the Nike outlet.“
“Luke is part of a very ethnically diverse family. His girlfriend is half-Black, half-Italian. He’s half-Sicilian, half-Lebanese. And their kids will be 100% on the no fly list.”
“Alex is Jewish, but he only wears a Yamaka to cover his bald spot.”
“This is great, I always wanted to battle the kid that bought my fake I.D. when I turned 21. Luke’s jokes are also like his eyebrows: loud, ugly, and way too messy to be respected.”
“Alex, you Jewish skinhead. Alex was going to buy hair plugs, until he found out they were black.”
“Luke looks like a white rapper, who performs exclusively on Reddit.”
Alex’s last joke is strong. Everyone his happy with their performance.
“It was better than I thought it was going to be.” – Sklar Bros
“I’ve never watched two disgraced cops do comedy before.” – Daniel Van Kirk
The Sklar Bros are feeling Alex.
“I think the lead singer of Staind got him though.” – Sklar Bros
Cort McCown has arrived and he gives it to Alex. Brody is happy with the battle. He was not excited about it before, but they changed his mind and he gives it to Luke. Luke put up a good fight, but Alex has the upper hand. Alex’s “no-fly list” joke kind of falls flat, but beyond that, his lines had the harder punches. Even still, there is gridlock for the moment between the judges, going into the final audience decision. They chose Alex and we move into undercard number two Mateen Stewart and Billy Anderson. Alex and Luke created good energy for the night. Unfortunately, Billy’s pre-roast joke doesn’t hit. After some shots from the judges, we’re ready to get this battle started. Before we can, we are graced with the arrival of the General, the Roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross!
“These two look like they already battled.” – Jeff Ross
However, they have not. Mateen goes first.
“Billy eats copious amounts of mayonnaise, because it reminds him of his comedy. Very white, very bland, and black people fuckin’ hate it.”
“Thanks a lot extra from Good Burger… It’s funny you mention my comedy. Mateen is from Michigan. And much like Flint’s water supply, Mateen’s comedy is horrible poison that white people only pretend to care about.”
“Billy gains and loses weight like he’s Oprah. So his roommate had so many belts to chose from, when she killed herself. I don’t want to tell a suicide joke, because I don’t want to keep beating a dead woman.”
“Mateen brings up my roommate who hung herself, because he’s the only person who’s white and black enough to commit suicide and also a lynching at the same time… Are we calling this one early, or what are we doing?”
“We’re calling it early like Billy cums when he fucks women… Billy is from the south and he wears a lot of flannel. So, he sounds like he might be racist in the streets, but he looks like he’s definitely a date-raper in the sheets.”
“I bet it will work a lot better when you headline the sunken place Laugh Factory.”
The winner in this one is pretty clear. Billy dominated the whole battle. The judges unanimously give it to Billy.
“You got to give Billy credit, because not only is he writing roast jokes, but he’s transitioning to become a man.” –Sklar Bros
“Mateen, you lost tonight to a picnic table.” –Daniel Van Kirk
“You got beaten like a red-headed stepchild, by a red-headed stepchild.” –Cort McCown
“Billy won… it was a comedic lynching here. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I spend a lot of time Burbank. You got it.” – Brody Stevens
The crowd also gives the win to Billy. This battle is pretty one-sided. Mateen doesn’t deliver at all. Billy has some good jokes, but even if he was below par, he could have beaten Mateen, who brought nearly nothing to the ring. Let’s call this one an uneventful slaughter. In the last undercard of the night, Eric Hollerbach takes on Brian McDaniel. Eric came ready to play.
“I was looking for an easy victory over an overrated local nobody.” –Eric Hollerbach
Brian goes first.
“Eric’s last name is Hollerbach, which is what is ex-girlfriend would do any time a guy texted her late at night.”
“Brian’s Mexican and his wife makes all of his money, so Brian, when you need to park in front of the Comedy Store, do you get cash from an allowance or do you take money out of her purse?”
That joke really falls flat.
“Early in the game and no one wants to win.” – Daniel Van Kirk
“Eric’s an open micer and his brother got hired by the Trump administration to work for the Environmental Protection Agency. So, they both look racist and work at something meaningless.”
“Brian went to White Privilege University. He got a degree in mooching off a wetback.”
“Eric’s from New Jersey. Lived in New York, studied at The New School and New Orleans University. And all his exes preferred new dick.”
“Brian is trans-racial. He’s Irish, but has the lifestyle of a black guy.”
A “what does that mean” chant starts immediately after Eric’s last joke. This is mainly to Eric. What the fuck was that? Most of the things you said didn’t make any sense. White privilege university isn’t a thing. Brian’s jokes were okay, he had what would have been a mediocre battle for him, but what did you say? Read these jokes. Your last one is racist. It’s Roast Battle, but Jesus Christ dude. You can’t just use ‘being a black guy’ as reference for a poor lifestyle. What the fuck, man? You racist, bro! No more time spent on this battle. Brian wins. You suck Eric. There’s having fun, and then there’s you. God damn it.
Moving on to the main events, and thank God, some comics who know what they’re doing: Quentin Thomas and Evan “The Cass Man” Cassidy. The Cass Man is dressed to impress in a dapper suit, which only makes you more of a target in the Belly Room.
“You look like the Casket Man.” – Jeff Ross
Evan goes first in this five joke battle.
“Quentin is six foot five… it gives him a great view of the friend zone.”
“Guys, do not let looks deceive you. Evan is thirty and lives with his parents. For someone who’s lactose and tolerant, you sure do milk em’ for all it’s worth.”
“Quentin’s last name is Moscaritolo, which Italian for, ‘really bad at killing ones self.’”
“You can’t make fun of me for wanting to die, when you’re literally dressed for a funeral… guys, Evan is from Fountain Valley, which makes sense, because he’s the type of guy who would bathe in a fountain, somewhere in the Valley.”
“Quentin got accused of sexual harassment, but to fair, he only grabbed her bra, so he could hang himself with it.”
“Not only does Evan kind of look like a leprechaun, but anyone who believes in him is completely delusional.”
“Quentin looks like the patron saint of premature ejaculation.”
“You know, I go to therapy for all my, like, mental illness, you know… Evan would, but you can’t pay therapists’ in gas, grass or ass.”
“My girlfriends black. Quentin wishes he were black, so that a cop might put him out of his misery.”
“Evan got fired from Uber for too many speeding tickets. It’s surprising you drive so fast, when you’re going nowhere in life.”
A “black girlfriend” chant starts for Evan right when the battle ends. Evan went hard with the suicide jokes. Some were better than others, but all in all, it made Quentin more likable throughout the battle. Quentin would have come correct with jokes anyway because his writing is stellar. Evan’s jokes were also well put together, but some of them may have actually helped boost Quentin’s responses. When Quentin would make fun Evan for going nowhere, the fact that we just saw him get made fun of for his suicide attempt, made you want to root for him that much more.
“I think, Evan, next time… cufflinks, maybe?” –Brody Stevens
Both Evan and Quentin killed it. The judges and audience are wishing for more. Quentin takes this one.
In our final battle of the night, Joe Eurell takes on Robin Tran.
“She’s jealous of my access to bathrooms.” – Joe Eurell
“This is a good battle. This is a battle between a transgender and a transformer.” – Sklar Bros
“You know, Joe, I hate how people always bring up your wheelchair, your voice, your disease… no one ever brings up how annoying you are.”
“Thank you Ali Wang… Robin is unemployed, so it’s a good thing she doesn’t have to buy tampons.”
“There are a few things Joe can’t hold, like a microphone, his liquor, or the arms of a woman who actually loves him.”
“My limbs are straighter than you’ll ever be… Robin wants to be an actress, but she doesn’t even portray that she is a woman.”
“Yeah, I am transgender, and I still use my dick more than you do.”
“Thank you Joy Tuck Club. Robin is fat. The only thing bigger than her shadow is her five o’clock shadow.”
“You know you guys, this isn’t fair. I can’t call Joe any slurs, yet, he gets to slur his way through this entire battle.”
“My speech is more clear than your gender. Robin had to quit smoking pot because she would frequently forget what gender she was.”
“The only person who has ever fucked Joe is God.”
“Some say Robin belongs in the men’s room, some the women’s room. I just want her to stop crying in the handicap stall.”
None of the judges can decide who they like more. Cort calls for an overtime almost immediately, and everyone agrees. Joe goes first:
“You know, when I was 10 years old, the state took me away from my mother, and I haven’t seen her in 21 years. So, like Robin, both our mothers want their sons back.”
“It’s okay everyone. Joe, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. You’re the only person in this room I would not switch places with.”
This is such an amazing battle that Moses calls it a draw. These two absolutely killed it. One of the best battles anyone that saw it has seen to date. There’s not much to say other than that. Go re-read all the jokes and just enjoy it. A battle this perfect happens a couple times a year, maybe. Congratulations Robin and Joe. Until next week, let’s Roast!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.