I don’t have much of an intro here. By now, you’ve all read about what happened late Tuesday night. I feel just as shocked and saddened as everyone else. Some others around the comedy community have expressed some beautiful thoughts and I encourage you too seek some of those out. For now, I want to thank Earl Skakel (2-1, 24). We were all rounded up in the parking lot, waiting to be allowed to leave. In the middle of all of it, Earl landed two quick jokes and a comforted laugh erupted. I also thank Troy Conrad. He provides photos that allow us to keep seeing The Comedy Store in the way we know it. Here’s a fav from last night and a past fav.
The first one represents what the show means to some comedy legends, rushing from their last show to make this one. The second represents what the show means to a community. A place to be, a place to laugh and a place to text for a ride home after such an insanely entertaining experience.
In the first undercard, Alex Davenport (1-0, 104) dominated Jared Levin (0-1, 132)!
This undercard was all over the map. But you know what they say about Roast Battle. Even when it’s weird, it’s great. Jared came out hot with a diabetes burn on the rotund Keith Carey (5-2, 6). After that, it was all down hill on buttered roller skates from there. I swear Jared is intelligent somewhere in his brain but his thoughts get put through a Nick Nolte filter before they leave his mouth. His jokes weren’t jokes so much as they were frenzied, acted-out insults.
JARED ON ALEX
“Yo! Hey Alex! Look what I’m doing. I’m building a railroad with your dead grandpa! Choo-choo!”
“Let me tell you something. Alex, let me do an impression of your mom, your REAL mom! ‘Oh! Me so horny! Me shoot ping-pong ball for five dollars an hour! Pop! Pop! Pop! Oh! A kid came out! I’m going to adopt him to Idahooooo!”
What the fuck, right? Jared’s third joke was just telling everyone he had sex better than Alex (unconfirmed). Jared’s “Donnie Thornberry on drugs” energy elicited pretty good response from the crowd but his roast jokes just weren’t competitive. I gotta give it up for Alex here. His jokes were smart and mean and that’s how you get a win here at Roast Battle.
ALEX ON JARED
“You know, Jared Levin is Filipino, and it’s good he was born in America because they abort mentally challenged girls in the Philippines.”
“Jared Levin is just like Manny Pacquiao. He started his career as a homeless Filipino and he’ll end his career taking shots in the face from black guys.”
Great jokes, man. More importantly, why do Filipino and Philippines start with different letters? Serious question. We should go by Uhmericans from now on. Anyway, now I’m all worked up. ? ? / ? ? ? is what this gets. A strong ? ? / ? ? ? at that.
Jordan Perry (1-0, 102) handed Haiti (0-2, 163) his second loss in the second undercard!
“I wanna see what Haiti do. With his shirt off.” – Tiffany Haddish
“He raises fifteen cents a day, that’s what he does.” – Omid Singh (6-3, 5)
And so would start Tiffany’s memorable Roast Battle appearance! That was a hot exchange but the rest of the night yielded less than favorable results. Haiti’s first joke landed despite a pause from the crowd, leading him to gasp in relief. The next two were zeroes, leading to a very appropriate Coach Tea drop.
HAITI ON JORDAN
“Jordan was recently in a car accident with his two sisters. That’s the closest he’s gotten to killing a crowd.”
“Jordan will volunteer his time as toke black friend for Halloween.”
Most of Haiti’s contribution to the battle was broken English and verbal assaults on everyone but his opponent. Listening to Haiti speak in person is like listening to someone on a cell phone while they drive through a tunnel. Jordan definitely came to play. He didn’t exactly bring his big-boy gloves, but Jordan pulled out a victory with this first posted joke.
JORDAN ON HAITI
“Haiti’s such a embarrassment to black people, his nickname is third Worldstar Hip-Hop.”
“Haiti has an incredible story. He and his family escaped their country under cover of darkness and as you can see, he’s still under that cover of darkness.”
To be honest, Earl was the real winner of this round for saving Haiti’s bombs and corralling Tiffany as best he could. ? ? / ? ? ? for you, Earl!
Before the next undercard, one of the best moments in Roast Battle history unfolded. Earl attempted to make a racist joke (surprise) and Tre Stewart (2-4, 43) was having none of it. The Wave chanted “JOKE DON’T WORK” three times which prompted Earl to asked if they could be better Haters. With that, the great Roast Battle Sideshow Switch of 2015 commenced.
The Hater Wave. So much for Earl having a hot bod, right? More like Equinot! #zing.
“You niggas looks like the Pep Boys!” – Jamar
I can’t. This is the first I haven’t been able to even. It was all in the moment. Once Earl issued the challenge, both parties immediately switched. When Earl asked for a mic, Jamar Neighbors (2-2, 19) proudly proclaimed that the All-Negro Wave doesn’t get a mic. It was artistically chaotic. The sound from the crowd is one of the loudest I can remember in the history of the show. They stayed for the rest of the last undercard and traded barbs. The best part was getting Earl closer to Tiffany.
“Change your underwear. You’ve been wearing the same shit-stained pair for three days.” – Tiff to Earl
“Your underwear has shit stains on the front of them.” – Earl to Tiff
Omfg. I want to nominate that for Joke of the Year. Roast Battle at it’s core is a bunch of kids making fun of each other on the playground. That joke would’ve ruined someone’s fourth grade year. Well done, buddy.
In the final undercard, Al Bahmani (2-1, 41) fell to Mike Schmidt (1-0, 103)
Let’s give it up for the battle of Moses’ accountants! This battle was fine. It probably got a little lost between the Wave/Hater switch and the all that transpired in the Main Event. The jokes were good and there were no bombs. Mike seemed to own his stage presence a little more which may have sealed a win.
MIKE ON AL
“Al is Mexican and Muslim. Growing up, his fondest memories were helping his mother draw her eyebrows on her burka.”
“Al looks like he walked through a plate glass window because there was ham on the other side of it.”
It was tough for either battler to get an edge due to everyone wondering what the Hater Wave or All-Negro Hate would do next. Al had decent jokes but they just weren’t punchy enough to keep up with the rest of the show.
AL ON MIKE
“They say write what you know. That’s why Mike has a thousand jokes about drinking and none about sex.”
“Mike Schmidt is so German, he jacks off to ‘Schindler’s List’”
? ? / ? ? ?! Mostly for not ?ing.
And in one of the most memorable Main Events of all time, Kim Congdon (6-0, 3) took down Jay Light (7-4, 4)!
Welp. What can I say about this battle? I got the pick wrong. Kudos to Kim for battling while her genitals were exposed on Moses’ shirt. Do boobs count as genitals? Idk, just buy the shirt. Moving on. There were a lot of twists and turns in this battle. Justin Martindale was there to cover for Iliza’s absence, Jeff Ross and Anthony Jeselnik showed up after the first round, and, of course, Earl putting Tiffany through a roasting class.I think Tiffany is funny and great on The Carmichael Show, but she was like 1-6. Those are Earl’s stats, not mine. This battle had it all. The judges were great, the battle was hot fire and the jokes were exactly what you’d expect from two of our best.
KIM ON JAY
“Jays lips are so thick, they have a black boyfriend.”
“Jay Light looks like he’s made of 98% skim milk.”
“Jays always been a good student. He got B’s in high school and AIDS in college.”
“Jay looks like he uses his dick to finger girls.”
“Jay Light is so white, if he was on death row his last meal would be brunch.”
“I’m actually really nervous. I’ve never battled a TV star and here I am in front of minkus from ‘Boy Meets World’”.
“He just made a fat joke. I’m a grown woman. He still hasn’t hit puberty.”
JAY ON KIM
“Kim dropped out of the University of Florida. Now she’s just a Gator because of her overbite.”
“Kim dated an NFL player. She liked him because of his body. He liked her because of his head trauma.”
“Kim’s fucked so many athletes she calls her abortions “roster cuts.“
“Kim gets lots of advice from other headliners. Mostly its, “less teeth.”
“If you put Kim’s vagina to your ear, you can hear the ocean…of cum sloshing around in her womb.”
“Kim dropped out of the University of Florida. Now her waistline is Gainesville.”
“Kim is part Irish and part Native American. I hope they’re the parts that make you die of liver disease.”
They really were neck and neck the whole battle. They split the first two rounds and Kim barely edged out Jay in the third, locking in the win by roasting Jay on multiple topics. Right before the winner was declared, another announcement was made. Some people were upset about jokes being made in light of such an event but, come on. It’s a room full of comedians.
? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! With the last ? being poured out for the homies.
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“If you put Kim’s vagina to your ear, you can hear the ocean…of cum sloshing around in her womb.” – Jay Light
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Kim’s fucked so many athletes she calls her abortions “roster cuts.“ – Jay Light
“Comedy is tragedy plus time.” – Carol Burnett
See you next week, folks.
I am 56-37 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.