Have you ever seen a Jeremiah fly? We all did the other night. It was a great moment in a night full of them, captured again by the great Troy Conrad. You would think a six-battle night and no Roastmaster would drag on but nah. All-time night for Roast Battle. I won’t waste much space here because we have so much to cover but a quick shout out to Earl Skakel. If all else fails, it’s up to Moses and him to keep the train on the tracks. Whether or not the racist is character, and it’s not, Earl always seems to play his part perfectly.
This is the picture of respect. if only he didn’t wear his pajama top with his leather pants and shoes.
In the first undercard, Ernie Stone (1-0, 113) got a win(?) against Lou Vahram (0-1, 157)!
Let’s hear it for Ern Dog! Feel the Ern! Kudos to Sean Leary (1-1, 60) and Alex Hooper (2, 7-1) for those sweet Ernie bits! Now if only Lou had some sweet Ernie bits. Nice enough dude but this was a tough showing from him. He stumbled on his first joke and it somehow got his best reaction from the crowd.
LOU ON ERNIE
“Ernie’s sex life is a lot like his basketball game, he looks for the easiest shot and then forces his way inside”
“Ernie once got head from a 47 year old woman. He keeps it in the fridge.”
That basketball joke is smart but he had lost the crowd already. He was so bad he caused Earl Skakel (2-1, 24) to leave the room. Ernie made the best of a bad situation. His jokes were decent at best but was just slightly better than Lou and that was enough to avoid a draw.
LOU ON ERNIE
“Lou’s facial hair is sculpted to look like his personality. An adolescent vagina.”
“Lou’s comedy career is like the Armenian Genocide in 1916. He swears it’s happening but nobody believes him.”
These are matchstick burns in a room that’s used to blowtorches.
/ ? ? ?. #thisisnteasy
Seth Woodward (1-2, 89) didn’t suck as much and Jake Luce (0-2, 157) in the second undercard!
Another #thisisnteasy battle. You know you need to step up your roasting game when the biggest laugh of your battle is from a judge joke before the battle started. The second biggest laugh was from a Wave joke. Third biggest? Someone had a pun out in the front bar.
JAKE ON SETH
“We’ve caught Seth watching tentacle hentai before. And it’s because he’s an actual monster.”
“Seth is what happens when the Michelin man looks into the Ark of the Covenant.”
Seth actually uncorked some big laughs on his jokes. He’s just missing a little oomph on his delivery. Then maybe his next victory won’t be by default.
SETH ON JAKE
“Jake, how can you be so white and still look sick with sickle-cell.”
“Jake wears khakis because this generation of Nazis prefer business casual.”
? / ? ? ?!
Only because there jokes got no reaction from the crowd, the Wave or Coach Tea and this took no time at all to write-up. Thanks guys! #wereallfriends #ithink
In the third undercard, Evan Cassidy (2-1, 46) made short work of Bryan Lee Perkins (0-1, 134) !
“He looks like a homeless guy who’s kinda getting it together.” – Theo Von on Bryan (right)
Really stellar battle that helped clean the palate after the ? from the matches before. You just wish Bryan would’ve competed a little more. Evan came out swinging and was relentless with his hard-hitting jokes. Bryan had a fantastic joke to start off then fizzled quickly.
BRYAN ON EVAN
“Evan somehow looks like a junkie, a drug dealer, and the narc that busted them.”
“Evan is like the new Bill Cosby of character comedy. You’ll wake up after he’s finished.”
Not bad bud but bring more than one and a half jokes next time? Evan absolutely demolished. The next rising star of Roast Battle? He hadn’t battled in a while and oh man was it worth the wait.
EVAN ON BRYAN
“Bryan, you look like you dumpster dive from the place your mother abandoned you.”
“Bryan posts pictures wearing a dress and wig – he’s not transgender, just trans fat.”
“Bryan’s mother is Filipino. Bryan’s father is a white guy who wishes there was a condom at that massage parlor.”
“Bryan, you ugly Filipino cunt. Girls only fuck you cuz you can’t fit in their friend zone.”
I posted all four because they were such bangers. Evan really showed exactly how to play one of these undercards.
? ? / ? ? ? and blame Bryan for holding you back from all three, Evan.
In our Main Event, Connor McSpadden (3-2, 18) outmatched Robin Tran (1-1, 63)!
“This looks like hate crime victim versus the perpetrator.” – Mo Mandel on Robin Tran
What. A. Battle. It was like two Evan Cassidy’s for three rounds. Battles are best when it’s two good friends with a microphone and that’s what this was. The jokes were smart, funny and personal. Connor’s jokes were almost as tight as his shirt. Almost.
CONNOR ON ROBIN
“Robin’s on so many hormones, she’s not allowed in Whole Foods anymore.”
“Robin’s parents accepted her as a real Asian girl by throwing her in a dumpster.”
“Robin’s pre-op…for liposuction.”
“Robin’s a social justice warrior: she stands up for a lot of things…like peeing.”
“There’s a lot of places Robin can’t go now that she’s transgender; like heaven.”
“That joke bombed but to be fair, Robin’s not an actual comedian, she just identifies as one.”
I’m certain Robin could beat any other roaster. Her jokes were great and mean and funny but this battle was Connor’s from the jump. Robin had one bomb and it was hard to hear her on a few jokes. She still did better than I’ve ever done on that stage.
ROBIN ON CONNOR
“If I had a nickel for every time someone told me Connor was a dick, I could afford to get rid of mine.”
“Connor’s very popular in the Inland Empire. He’s afraid Trump’s going to win president and deport his entire fan base.”
“Connor always gets second place in comedy contests and first place in Rachel Maddow look-alike contests.”
“Connor looks like the villain in every show on the CW network.”
“Connor looks like Carrot Top, acts like Dane Cook and has the artistic integrity of neither.”
“Connor is the giant cunt that I wish I had.”
Hot shit. Great job you two! ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
In the first tourney matchup of the night, Pete C (1-0, RBR) shocked the world by upending Kim Congdon (0-1 RBR)!
They call him Pete C but on Tuesday night, in the Roast Battle tournament, that C stood for Cinderella. That’s right! Pete pulled off the upset of ALL upsets by knocking Queen Cong off of her throne. Hey Pete, Holly Holm called and she wants her swag back.
PETE ON KIM
“For thirty bucks you can get a picture of Kim’s tits on a t-shirt and for two PBRs, you can get them in your mouth.”
“Kim comes from a poor family. Her mom wanted to abort her but she sold all her coat hangers for scrap metal.”
“I’m not really a comic. I haven’t stepped on a stage since the last time Kim stepped on a scale.”
“They call Kim the ‘Ronda Rousey’ of Roast Battle. That’s because she’s friends with Rogan, only battles weak bitches and is about to get knocked the fuck out.”
This battle had an icy vibe to it. These two are friends and it’s all good fun but it felt a little snippy. Bit of a controversial finish. Kim probably had the biggest pop in regulation with her joke about Pete’s son. It went to an extra round that Pete clearly won. It just goes to show that judges don’t want to side with a dude beating a chick.
KIM ON PETE
“Pete’s teeth are like the war in Afghanistan. Costs a lot to fix and still looks like a jagged wasteland.”
“Pete’s a very lazy comic. The only time I see him hitting stages is when he gets drunk and confuses them for women.”
“It’s true; I have gained a couple pounds. I’m so thick now, people call me your eyebrows.”
“Pete’s so short, his son couldn’t look up to him even if he was a good father.”
It looked as though Kim’s reputation was gonna muscle her though but alas, the right roaster won after Moses allowed the crowd to vote.
And Pete C moves on to the next round…
? ? / ? ? ?! Only because it dragged on a bit while the judges hemmed and hawed.
In the second tourney undercard, Omid Singh (1-0, RBR) completed his own upset of Alex Hooper (0-1, RBR)!
This was a beauty. Hate to repeat myself but it is a damn shame these two had to battle so early in the tournament. But, scheduling is what it is and whoever put it all together did a really good job and has good hair. Omid had flat out one of the best rounds we’ve ever had. Every joke hit. They were all specific to Alex and uproariously mean.
OMID ON ALEX
“Alex is creepy for many reasons. Mostly it’s his face, jokes, voice and face.”
“Alex’s parents got divorced but that doesn’t explain why he looks like a single mom.”
“Alex is going to Argentina after tomorrow. He heard there’s a tree lady there who can turn him into a real boy.”
“Alex’s skin is so dry, the first time he shook my hand I thought he was giving me a pinecone.”
“Alex is in the background of every ISIS video; as the desert.”
A summary of Omid’s performance in GIF form. Alex was great as usual. He got banged on joke order. It’s hard to know when Moses is gonna pop back up and tell you one more and if Alex closed on the “seventy-two virgins” joke, maybe it goes his way or at the very least to a joke-off.
ALEX ON OMID
“When Omid dies, he’ll have to fuck himself seventy-two times.”
“Omid thinks an edible arrangement is a wife he can eat.”
“The people that say Omid is funny are the same people that say Caitlin Jenner is a beautiful woman.”
“Omid is an actor. You may recognize him from Jurassic Park. Where he played the huge pile of shit.”
“Omid dropped out of community college. You can’t even succeed at being a failure.”
Be safe in Argentina, Alex. FInd out if the tree lady can help with sexual stamina. Asking for
me because it’s a problem and i might lose my marriage a friend.
And Omid moves on to the next round…
? ? ? / ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Robin’s parents accepted her as a real Asian girl by throwing her in a dumpster.” – Connor McSpadden on Robin Tran
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Alex’s skin is so dry, the first time he shook my hand I thought he was giving me a pinecone.” – Omid Singh on Alex Hooper
I am 67-42 in picks and my tourney bracket is already busted. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.