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by Pat Barker

For the month of
October, I will be making a new Top Ten Roast Battle list every week. This
week’s subject: ten rematches that need to happen.

Generally
speaking, rematches don’t make a ton of sense in Roast Battle. The amount of
energy you devote to one person in preparing for battle is overwhelming. To
take six to eight weeks and dedicate them to breaking down every single flaw of
another human being is borderline crazy – to do it again with the same person
is completely insane. No disrespect to any of my previous opponents, but the
very thought of sitting back down and trying to figure out ways I missed out on
calling them assholes the first time makes me shudder. That being said,
speaking strictly as a FAN, there are a bunch of battles I’d love to see a
Round Two of. So without further ado, here are ten rematches that I’d love to
see.

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Keith Carey vs.
Connor McSpadden

Could
they top their 2015 classic (which won them a Roastie award for Battle of the
Year)? I think they could. It’s a lose-lose proposition to take an all-timer
and expect them to reach or exceed that level of performance in the rematch,
but in the 19 months since this battle both of them have gotten so much better.
On top of that, they’re best friends. They live together, travel together, and
have a brilliant podcast together. Something tells me that since their original
fight they’ve gathered enough new material to pack a whole best-of-seven
series. Here’s hoping for a sequel to this one in the future.

Doug Fager vs. Leah
Kayajanian

In
the same vein as Carey/McSpadden, I feel like this was a battle that happened
before either competitor was at their peak. Doug took the original decision but
both have improved so much since – Leah went on her crazy run and took the
tournament championship, and Doug has gotten progressively better with every
fight. Going back through the Roast Reports from this era (battle took place in
June 2015), you get a lot of battles that were mismatches in hindsight. This is
one of the main events that holds up and could be even better the second time
around.

Jesus Trejo vs.
Jamar Neighbors

Full
disclosure – their original battle happened before I started coming around to
the Belly Room. I asked Jay Light what some of the best battles from the
pre-Report days were, and when I saw this one my eyes lit up. Both of these
guys are sensational – Trejo was the first ever Roast Battle champion and
retired after a 3-0 start, and Jamar might be the most entertaining person I’ve
ever met. I have no idea how the rematch would stack up to the original, but
out of pure selfishness I’d love to find out.

Alex Hooper vs.
Jason Van Glass

This
battle also went down before the report started, and my reasons for wanting to
see this one are a little bit different. Unlike Carey/McSpadden and Fager/Kayajanian,
only one of these two has gotten better since their fight. Alex Hooper is
currently the number one ranked battler in Los Angeles, while Jason Van Glass
hasn’t set foot on stage for a battle in quite a while. So there’s a real
possibility that if a rematch did go down, the result would be the same – an Alex
Hooper win. That being said, I started wanting this rematch when I listened to
the Hooper episode of the Verbal Violence podcast. At the beginning, Alex ran
down some of the greatest jokes people had used against him, and he listed two
absolute HEATERS from the JVG battle that I had forgotten about. In the pre-Report
days, many brilliant performances went undocumented. Jason Van Glass had a few
of them, led by his Alex Hooper battle. This rematch would probably never
happen for a multitude of reasons (Hooper’s status as champion and Van Glass’
inactivity), but I would be very intrigued by a Van Glass return to the ring
and if Hooper could bring out the best in him again.

Kim Congdon vs. Jay
Light

This
is one of the more recent battles on the list, as it happened just over a year
ago, but the extenuating circumstances are enough for me to want a repeat
performance. If you were at the Comedy Store for this battle, you probably
remember it as the one where a guy got murdered on the patio. Needless to say,
a homicide tends to take priority over a battle, and this one has always left a
weird aftertaste in my mouth as a result. I remember this matchup having two of
my all-time favorite jokes (Kim’s bizarre “Jay looks like he uses his dick to finger girls”, which I’m still not sure I totally get but it makes me laugh out
loud, and Jay’s brutal “Kim’s fucked so many athletes she calls her abortions ‘roster
cuts’”, which is about as good as roast jokes get), but other than that the
whole night was a blur. Would love to see a rematch – without the police tape
next time.

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Toby Muresianu vs.
Leah Kayajanian

Toby
Muresianu is an absolute monster now. From everything I’ve heard, he was not a
monster in this battle. This was one of the rare 2015 clashes that I missed,
but the consensus seems to be that Leah wiped the floor with him. But again,
this is before Toby 2.0, so I feel the battle would play out very differently
today. For what it’s worth, Toby 2.0 isn’t much different from the other Toby
in terms of personality – he’s just figured out some minor tweak to convince
judges that he’s a silent, cerebral killer as opposed to a boring fucking dude.
How he did it, I don’t know, but he definitely did. The only real change that I
can see is that his joke writing is worlds better, and it would be great to see
that put to the test against an also-improved Leah.

Frank Castillo vs.
Pete C

I
really just want to see Pete C battle again. That’s all. He’s always been one
of the most interesting Roast Battlers to me since he’s not a comic, but rather
just a Comedy Store staple who battles because it’s fun and he’s good at it.
His last fight with Joe Dosch in the tournament ended with both of them
roasting Dave Chappelle on stage as a tiebreaker, so maybe he’s just going out
on top. It probably won’t get any better than that, right? Probably not, but I
for one would love to find out with this rematch.

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Olivia Grace vs. Tom
Goss

This
is the one that inspired this entire god damned idea. It’s such a shame that
these two battled in an undercard before anyone knew who they were – they delivered
one of the greatest one-round fights that we’ve ever seen, but imagine what
they could do now, with two extra rounds and two extra years of roasting
experience. Since that battle, Tom Goss has become one of the most entertaining
personalities we have at Roast Battle, and Olivia has reached new pinnacles of worldwide
popularity. There’s an overabundance of angles available for each battler to
take, and given their rapid improvements, I can’t help but think a second
battle would be worlds better than the first.

Jay Light vs. Omid
Singh

Another
pre-Report clash, this one featured two current Top Ten battlers going at it
before either one really knew what they were doing. Jay started his Roast Battle career with a 5-1 record, while Omid sputtered out to a 2-2 mark before he
started dominating everyone in sight and went on a year-long winning streak.
Pretty much every elite battler looks back on their first couple of fights and
sees what they should’ve done differently. Most of us were fortunate enough to
have those battles with some weaker opponents. That wasn’t the case here, and it’d
be great to see what the modern day incarnation of this battle would look like
given the evolution of both battlers.

Jerron Horton vs.
Connor McSpadden

After
nine battles that happened at least a year ago, we end with one that happened
in the past 48 hours. Roast Battle took over the Hammer Museum this weekend and
put together a number of high profile one-round clashes on short notice,
throwing out a bunch of matches that delighted the capacity crowd. Of those
battles, this one clearly stood out to me as the best. Jerron’s always been a
battler whose record (5-4) did not reflect his true level of skill. He’s one of
the best writers in LA today, and it showed on Saturday night. Connor put up a
valiant fight in the loss, and the result was a highly entertaining battle… one
that would probably be a hundred times better in the Belly Room and with more
than a day’s worth of prep. I would love to see how this fight looks in a more
traditional Roast Battle setting, and hopefully one day we’ll get that
opportunity.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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