It was a wild night in the belly room filled with huge highs and low blows. Judging the carnage we had roast battle legends Mike Lawrence, Alex Hooper and Tony Hinchcliffe.

First up we had Roy Ellison taking Sarah Fatemi. Roy volunteers to go first.

“Because of her looks Sarah is insecure, but for that same reason she is secure in a dark alley at night.”

Which he followed up with an act-out of stalking a woman, (which was much too convincing) followed with “Gimme that pussy baby!” and another act-out where he shot himself.

“Hey, hey, hey, Roy did not make it as an actor for you guys to laugh at him on this stage. That’s right, Roy did not make it as an actor.”
“Sarah was conceived in Iran on the Strait of Hormoz. Which coincidentally Is how she identifies: A straight whore moose.”
“Roy and I grew up with two different religions, so we have two different beliefs. Roy believe in Jesus, I believe in the allegations against Roy for molesting children.”
“Sarah, you should feel lucky. Most Muslim woman have to wear a hijab because of their insecure husbands. But you were born ugly so you won’t have a husband.”
“Roy once got a DUI. Not for driving drunk, he just looks retarded.”
“That’s hilarious coming from the guy who looks like he stole his mustache from every pedophile in America.”

Moses comes back to the stage and opens with the brilliant joke, “Sarah you can’t STEAL a pedophiles mustache, you have to earn it,” showing us once again why he’s the Roastmaster of Roast Battle. This was an interesting battle, the audience was hungry for a fight, but what they got was more of light rumble. Roy’s first joke was fine, but act-outs are a risky move in roast battle, and when you pair them with a mediocre-at-best joke, they’re a death sentence, from that point on Roy was fighting an uphill battle. Sarah’s first joke wasn’t even a joke, it was just a fact said twice, but she had the advantage coming off Roy’s act-out, so she maintained her lead as Roy started his second joke, which I found delightful, but the audience did not. Sarah’s second joke was unoriginal and formulaic at best, but the audience ate it up. Josh Meyrowitz got the largest laugh of the battle when after Sarah’s joke he yelled, “Ya you piece of shit!” which prompted the audience to chant “piece of shit”. Their last two jokes were nothing special, and the battle ended, but the fun did not. The judges pounced, Mike Lawrence said that Roy’s act-out didn’t get the failure it deserved, because Sarah pounced too soon and started her joke, instead of letting Roy “wallow in his failure”, and Lawrence gives the edge to Sarah. Alex Hooper says that Sarah had better jokes and is more likable and gives the edge to Sarah. Sarah wins the audience vote and takes another W.

Next up we had April Lotshaw taking on Mark “the Shark” Stevens. April is brought to the stage first and says she’s battling Mark because “why not?”.  Mark is brought to the stage and Coach T plays “Baby Shark” and the room erupts with joy. Coach T is a goddamn genius and often makes the night with his expert musical accompaniment, which he showed again tonight. Mark volunteers to go first.

“When April gained 40lbs in the psych ward, which means her cholesterol is ALSO 5150!”

This joke gets ZERO reaction from the crowd, not a peep, prompting Mark to say, “Oh my god, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Which makes the audience laugh for the first time. April jumps on the chance to bury him,

“Ya, this is happening. I’d call Mark a pizza face but girls put their mouths on pizza.”

“April looks like she started transitioning and her credit card got declined halfway through.”

“Mark’s nickname is the shark because he’ll sniff your panties from over 8 miles away.”

“April is really into BDSM. She’s not kinky or anything, she was just locked up so long she can’t sleep without being tied to the bed.”

“Mark plays guitar, which isn’t the first hollow body he’s fingered.”

Now that’s a fucking battle. April is unreal, every single one of her jokes hit, her first one got the smallest hit, but she grew the momentum with each joke eventually finishing in an explosive last joke. That shark/panties joke was pure gold, short, sweet, personal, created a clear image in our minds, it was pure brilliance. Mark’s first joke didn’t get what it deserved, which Moses made a point to say, probably because most people don’t know that a 5150 is an involuntary 48-hour hold in the psych ward for a suicidal person. It’s hard to come back after such a huge failure, but his second joke did earn him back some credit with the audience. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t enough to overpower April’s expertly written and delivered jokes. April sweeps the judges and audience vote and continues her winning streak.

Next up we have Greg Roque vs Julian Fernandez. Julian is brought to the stage first and Tony asks “Did half of his hair get deported?” And in what will go down as one of the greatest moments in roast battle history, Greg Roque is brought to the stage and the following interaction occurs between himself and Tony Hinchcliffe.

“Is this the guy that cut the other guy’s hair?” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“I don’t know Tony, you’ve had some pretty bad cuts, didn’t they cut your special from Netflix?” – Greg Roque

The audience absolutely fucking explodes, people stand up out of their chairs, the wave storms the stage, it’s absolute fucking mayhem, it’s barely begun.

“No, no, no. It was a two-year licensing deal and I still have full use of my legs.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Tony, it is true, I’ve got special needs, but you’ve got the one special that no one needs.” – Greg Roque

At this point the cheering and laughter is so loud Tony has to shout his retort.

“All the open mic-ers will hoot and holler at that, but again, it made my career, I make at least half a million dollars a year making fun of people that look like you.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

The audience is salivating at Tony’s temper tantrum, and he becomes so flustered he can’t come up with anything else and finishes it with the best thing he could think in that moment,

“You fucking fuck-fuck.”

Greg doesn’t miss a beat, “Save that one for your next special.”

“I will, at least I’ll make one. You idiot. I could have hired you for something, like mowing my lawn or something. Fucking idiot. It looks like you got Andrew Dice Clay’s gloves as a make-a-wish, you fuck. They’ll always go for the underdog, I flew a fucking airplane today you fucking idiot.”

“Is that the only kind of vehicle you can’t crash?”

“The kids on a fucking roll. You ugly fuck, it’s like if we pushed him down La Cienega right now, just a one man crushing machine.”

Greg realizes he’s won at this point and says, “I’m tired, I just want to get to the battle.”

Oofda. We haven’t even started the battle and Julian is pretty much fucked. With that expert take-down of Tony, Julian would have to have the greatest battle of all time. Julian volunteers to go first, which is a smart move, try to take away some of the insane momentum Greg has.

“Greg, you premature cabbage patch kid! Greg’s neck was broken by a wrestling teammate. He doesn’t hold a grudge, because he can’t hold anything at all.”
“You can’t hold this audience’s attention. Julian you’re such a fat fucking stoner you put the THC in thick”
“Look at those arms! Greg’s arms are as hairy as Robbin Williams and his legs are just as dead too!”
“Ah man, it was his 5-year [death] anniversary the other day too, that’s just mean man. Julian‘s parents are very sick. They have a lot of health problems and they require constant care. Julian lives with them. He doesn’t take care of them or anything, he’s just a fucking loser.”
“Greg used to play the trumpet, which makes sense cause the first thing he heard after being paralyzed was.”
Which he follows with an impressive impression  of a trumpet: Womp womb.
“Julian used to work at a strip club that had a lot of wet T-shirt contests. And you can see him in a wet T-shirt every time he’s in a swimming pool.”
At this point they are done with the regulation 3 jokes, but before Moses can even move the audience demands one more. They continue.
“Greg’s dad is a janitor and has to stomach a lot of gross stuff. The only thing he can’t stomach is sticking around.”
“Julian looks like the Samoan kid on every high school football team.”
The audience demands another!
“Greg used to run track AND field, now he just makes tracks IN fields!”
“Julian told me that he lost his virginity to a stripper who tricked him into paying for sex. That’s not the funny part. The funny part is that Julian thinks that I would believe he doesn’t pay for sex.”
A phenomenal battle from start to finish. Not only did Greg demolish Tony before the battle even began, but Julian rose to the occasion and took on an impossible task, and nearly won. Alex Hooper said, “Julian man, that’s hard you were fighting an uphill battle, something Greg clearly couldn’t do.” Julian’s “track and field” joke was the best of his match, I can’t believe he saved that one for overtime. Tony Hinchcliffe weighs in and finally admits his special was terrible, “Clearly, I made a bad first special,” and then votes for Greg. Mike Lawrence votes for Greg and he sweeps the audience vote. Julian put up a great fight, but Greg had it from the beginning.
That would be a tough act to follow even with a great battle, and this next one was not that. It featured Quentin Thomas taking on Stewart Fullerton. When asked why she wanted to battle Quentin, Stewart said, “Well I heard he was tall, so I thought he’d be hot, but that was not true.” Quentin comes to the stage and retorts, “I’m not hot I’m cute” adding that he accepted the battle because “Fuck New York”, which gets the audience on his side right away. Always pander to the city your in, folks.
“Stewart looks like if Kim Possible fucked the naked mole rat.”
“Quentin has tried to kill himself 5 times but all he did was kill 5 ceiling fans.”
“That joke made me want to try for a 6th, Jesus.”
“Can someone get him a wireless mic?
“Stewart’s a failed actress and her dad died of a cocaine overdose. So what I’m saying is they’ve both had their struggle with lines.”
“Quentin just got out of a long distance relationship… the distance was from his penis to her vagina.”
“I don’t know what Stewart has less of, jokes or chins.”
“Guys give it up for Zit Harrington. Quentin works at a deli so they make him wear a hairnet … but what the fuck do they do about your face.”
“Alright, Stewart never made it to Broadway, but don’t worry, she’s still gonna die surrounded by cats.”
Mike Lawrence says, “That battle was the comedy equivalent of those dryers in the bathroom that don’t actually dry your hands.” It was a fine battle, but coming off the explosive previous battle, fine became bad. Alex Hooper asks if they’ve ever spoken before this to which they reply no, prompting Alex to quip, “Clearly, there was less chemistry here than an inner city school.” He’s right, chemistry and friendship is a cornerstone of roast battle, so when battlers accept setup matches it’s important that they make the extra effort to really get to know the person, Facetime them in their PJs and ask how many relatives touched them, get to the meat so you can have a good battle! Both of their off-the-cuff retorts got the largest laughs of the round, but it’s not enough for either of them to pull of a W and it’s a draw.
We are ready for our main event which features another bi coastal match featuring Doug Fager taking on Drew Drevyanko. Drew is brought to the stage first and asked the question to which he responds, “I always wanted to battle my high school English teacher,” which is weird, because HE looks like a high school English teacher. Doug is brought onstage and asked the same question and replies with, “Well, I’ve battled almost everyone, so I said Moses, give me the tallest guy you’ve got, and he said ‘Quentin?’ and I said, ‘no, less funny’.” Which gets a nice pop from the beginning. Doug volunteers to go first.
“Drew works as a video editor on Wall Street he got the job immediately when they saw that he was both boring and a piece of shit. And ladies if video editor on Wall Street doesn’t get your pussies wet… you are correct.”
“Doug’s brother died of food poisoning. And Doug, I’m sure you’ve heard every joke in the book about your brother dying…so here’s one more. Doug, I’m not surprise that your brother died of food poisoning, because judging from your stand-up…eating shit runs in the family.”
“And you look like the fucking undertaker. Drew’s girlfriend has a podcast called “Stay Humble” but she’s sleeping with Drew, so easy for you to say.”
“Doug, thanks for taking time from high fiving at a Dave Matthews show to be here. Doug is Irish/German…and his little sister is rushin…to tell their dad he touched her.”
The Dave Matthews joke was brilliant, but the follow up joke was an absolute clunker, which even prompted Coach T to play the “womp womp” sound.
“The bigger they are the harder they fall. Drew you tall glass of Chernobyl water. Drew is a 6’7″ open-mic comedian, so one way or another, he’s hit his ceiling.”
“Yeah man I’m 6’7, your brother is 6 feet under.”
“That’s true, I’ve got some tragedy, it’s what fills out a personality. Drew actually, he’s had a really easy life, it was really hard for me to ah, I had a lotta trouble finding things funny about him, but also, so does he….I fucked that joke up, I was thinking about my dead brother.”
“Doug tries to find housing for troubled youth. But that’s only cause his car is too small to fuck in.”
“It is 100% not too small, ask Stewart, your old lady who was just up here. Drew suffers from a panic disorder that makes him constantly think that he might be dying, and I think I speak for all of LA when I say, ‘fake it til you make it.'”
“Doug’s mom was a nurse. Well, not a great nurse according to his brother.”
This was a pretty evenly matched battle, both battlers having big hits and some missteps. Doug’s honest retorts are what make him such a charming battler, he’s confident and vulnerable which is what makes a great comedian.  Drew came hard with mean, well-written jokes, some which were parallel thinking to jokes done in the past, but the audience ate up the dead brother jokes. Mike Lawrence said, “I feel like you should only get to do dead family member jokes if the jokes about the person you’re making fun of next to you are working, like the brother had to die for you to do well tonight. All of your jokes about living, breathing, human being Doug Fager died with his brother…so I have to give it to Doug for variety.” Alex mimicks Mike’s comments, saying that Drew had some low blows, but Doug’s flub gave the edge to Drew. Tony compliments Drew’s tactic and gives him the slight edge over Doug. We rarely, if ever, see Doug mess up a joke, but he did with his third joke and that gave Drew an opening to take the 2-1 win.  It was a wild night and it ended strong. See you next Tuesday!
 

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