Tonight at Roast Battle, we begin our April fooling with a night that’s light on actual battles but heavy on competitive energy, with a three-round main between top 20 competitors and two undercards featuring many experienced fighters. Before we get to know our battlers, let’s meet the judges’ panel – or at least who we know is going to be up there as of press time.

The cream of the Roast Battle crop, Mike Lawrence, will be presiding over tonight’s bloodbaths. Maybe somebody can convince him to take a bath. The rest of the judging dais is up for grabs, which often turns out to be claimed by hilarious regulars or legendary special guests. When it’s Tuesday night in the Belly Room, you never know who might show up.

In our first of two undercards, John-Michael Bond takes on Beowulf Jones.

Beowulf Jones seriously steps up his competition level in his second battle, seeking to gingercide John-Michael Bond. Beowulf looks like John-Michael Bond’s retarded big brother. John-Michael was last seen toppling Unruly Heather Marulli in an arguably career-best performance. Beowulf is the clear underdog, and will really have to bring his best to come out victorious against the much more experienced Bond. I assume these two are friends, even though my first assumption of Beowulf was that he has no friends. If they are indeed buddies that always makes for a fun battle.

Our second and final undercard sees Erin Ingle going head-to-head with Natalie Holt.

This battle looks like two aunts from the early 90’s fighting over what the best Richard Gere movie is. You may recognize Erin Ingle from a brief appearance on Roast Battle II: Regionals in Denver. The fact that she’s battled on TV and runs Seattle’s monthly roast show, Roast Beef, establishes Ingle as the favorite in this battle of the Pacific Northwest. Natalie Holt is a seasoned comic who cut her teeth in Seattle, but calls Florida home. She’s completely competent on the mic, as well as having some wicked joke-writing skills. By all accounts, this is well-matched battle that is sure to be entertaining.

Tonight’s main event is a three round fight pitting grand slam slugger Pat Barker against horse whisperer Sarah Keller.

Just so we’re clear, Grand Slam Slugger refers to 90% of Pat Barker’s diet. These two tankers are two of the most brutally barbaric battlers in the game today. Pat Barker has written for television and battled on Comedy Central. Sarah Keller has knocked out some of toughest competitors to step into the Belly Room. This contest has the potential to be a straight up slobber-knocker. Sarah is coming off a tournament loss and looking to prove she is the baddest bitch in the building. Pat is also coming off a loss to New York’s JP McDade, so he’ll be firing on all cylinders. Barker has one of the best minds for strategy in Roast Battle, which may play a major factor in the three round bout. Currently ranked as #3, a win for Pat Barker will push him closer to the coveted top spot, while a win for Sarah Keller will give her a healthy jump towards the top 10. Regardless of who comes out on top, we’re in for one helluva brawl.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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