It’s Tuesday night, and that means our favorite Tina Turner impersonator is telling an unwitting audience that he does not molest thin white male comedians. I didn’t know this was the protocol, so just letting you all know: I also don’t do that. Roast Battle begins immediately after.
The Wave is present, and we have a murderer’s row of judges, set to provide wisdom and to shit on people. From left to right (not true), we’ve got Mike Lawrence, Jeff Ross, Tony Hinchcliffe, JC Coccoli, and Joe DeRosa. Jeff, Mike, and Tony have probably judged more roast battles than anyone else, and wield absolute control over the belly room every Tuesday, bringing laughter at will. Joe has judged a handful of times, and is always delightfully insightful and viciously hilarious. JC is a first time judge, but quickly acclimates and brings big laughs. In Coach Tea’s absence, producer Jay Light is on the music. He will go on to earn the moniker, “Dr. Jay”.
Our first battle of the night features Arash “A1” Ghanavatian vs Ryan Nesen.
Ryan has battled once before, earning a victory. This is A1’s first battle. Due to some pre roast battle banter from the judges, the idea that A1 is a rap battler, seems to hold throughout the night, even though I’m almost certain this isn’t true. Also, he did not want to use his given name that sounds like “a rash”, so instead opted to use a name that sounds like “A1” like the steak sauce or when Skyler White says to “have an A1 day!” at their car wash in the last season of Breaking Bad. Ryan volunteers to go first and the battle begins.
“A1 you look like a 9/11 terrorist and one of the virgins he was promised”
“Ryan, you look like a Trump supporter, and the people they hate.”
“Every Friday night, A1 plays Jenga with his family, but when they play they throw paper airplanes at the tower and see who can knock it down first”
“Hey Jersey off shore, you fucking take the same gains as those chickens from KFC”
“That’s a good one Boogie Arabian Nights. A1 is 27 years old and lives with his mom who has polio. Jesus Christ, you’re more useless than your mom’s legs”
“Ryan’s dad overdosed on heroin, but it’s not what you think. He thought it was going to be a better use of his money than spending it on his child support… and he was right.”
The crowd “oooohs,” pretending to feel the pain of a harsh joke.
“Oh he can make fun of my mom’s polio, but I can’t make fun of his dead dad? My mom can still feel things.”
“That was fun, we learned a lot. People still get Polio” – Brian Moses
“He came out with all the charisma of the top half of a centaur.” -Tony Hinchcliffe
“Ryan looks like if being handsome was a deformity.” -Joe DeRosa
“What’s your real name, A1?” -Joe DeRosa
“Worcestershire.” -Jeff Ross
This was a fun first battle, both guys had some decent jokes and some missteps. A1 had a big strategical error answering Ryan’s first joke using the exact same joke structure, of “you look like blank, and the blank they blank”. This joke relies on the audience not expecting them to also look like another thing. All of Ryan’s jokes land solidly. A1 gets his biggest laugh riffing at the end of his last joke, which is a good sign in a first time battler. He knows how to be funny. Tonight Ryan takes the victory from the audience vote, after the judges were split.
The second battle of the night features the most roast battle experience of the undercards as Sarah Fatemi takes on Mia Mars.
Both battlers are brought up and Moses asks Mia why she’s battling Sarah.
“I’m actually surprised they let her into the belly room, her hair is a fire hazard.”
Sarah volunteers to go first and the battle begins.
“Mia Mars sounds like she should be in porn, but looks like she should be in Chucky.”
“At least I can get a job in Hollywood. the only job you could ever get in Hollywood is a nose job.”
“Mia used to be so fucking fat…”
“…that the slits on her wrists look like stretch marks”
“Sarah Fatemi is a 26-year-old virgin by choice. She chose to eat. And thank you again Troy Polamalu for showing up, once more. I… I can’t.”
As Mia fumbles her football reference, Jay hits a well-timed drop of generic failure music. The crowd chants “COACH TEA!” then realizes he’s not there, switching their chant up to “DR. JAY!” And that’s how you earn your DJ name, folks.
“Mia looks like she got gang-banged by a bunch of Hot Topic employees and forgot to wash her makeup off.”
“Thank you 40-Year-Old Persian. Every time Sarah works out, it smells like Zankou Chicken. I’m just kidding, you don’t work out.
“I like that you both look like you use a crucifix for a tampon” -JC Coccoli
“TAMPON CRUCIFIX! TAMPON CRUCIFIX!” – the crowd
“I like that Mia has cut her wrists, but not that second joke” -Mike Lawrence
“You remind me of the various stages of an eating disorder” -Joe DeRosa
“The battle was like watching deleted scenes from Beetlejuice” -Tony Hinchcliffe
“It was fun, you guys were like the same size and age” -Jeff Ross trying really hard to find the positive
Sarah dominated this battle from the beginning. Her wrist cutting joke was by far the best joke of the battle. In an effort to own it, Mia showed the audience her wrist cutting scars, and boy did that ever backfire and bum everyone out. Sarah wins the audience vote, as well as unanimously taking the judges’ votes. Mia seemed to have phoned in the writing and performance of her jokes this time, mustering very little enthusiasm and getting a similar reply from the audience.
“There wasn’t much at stake this time.” -Mia Mars
“Well, you lost.” -Jeff Ross
I don’t know what more stakes you need than not bombing in a packed room. Hopefully, Mia will be back with more of the spunk and jokes we’re used to seeing from her. Sarah would have been tough to beat regardless, as she racks up another well earned win.
Our final undercard of the night showcases two undefeated up and comers, Russell Ells vs Digits. This is possibly both battlers’ toughest challenge to date, as they took on other new battlers in route to their undefeated records. Digits is a rap battler, Russell is not, it’s perfect. Moses asks Russell why he’s battling Digits.
“I think it would be fun because rap battling is the closest thing to roast battling… that I have no respect for.”
The crowd laughs at this, but also seems to get excited about the insulting nature of the joke, and begin to act like a Jerry Springer audience. We were never very far off from this. Digits is brought up next.
“He looks like the grown version of Kid Rock’s midget.” -Mike Lawrence
Russell volunteers to go first.
“It’s an honor to be here roasting my favorite rapper Tekashi Porkrind. Digits has never won a rap battle, his record is 0-5, so I guess you can’t spit fire when you have a wet back.”
“Everyone give it up for Jonah Hillside Strangler. Russell is half white and half Mexican. He’s so racist that sometimes he calls the police on himself when he’s selling oranges by the freeway. Racist bitch.”
“I’m half the Mexican, and twice as successful, Digits. Thank you Post Cabron… Digits how can you root for The Dodgers, when all your dead homies are Angels.”
“Man that shit was horrible as fuck. This guy is half white and half mexican. You heard me? You’re half white and half Mexican. When your dad met your mom, she met him at the border when she was running away from him. Now, nine months later, they had a half an anchor baby, which can’t even hold a boat down. You stupid bitch.”
“Good one Wordy Sanchez. Los Digits is changing his rap name to Los Menopause, because he’s a pussy with no flow.”
“Yo, I’m Mexican as fuck. I love the sport soccer, it’s like Ronnie cause he’s half white and half Mexican, so when he sees his wife, he loves the sport ‘sock-her’… bitch.”
“Tony [Hinchcliffe] and Digits have the same hormone injection mustache. Digits you look like you fell in dirt” -Joe DeRosa
“Thank you Jared from Quizno’s.” -Digits
“Digits is really bringing this show to a Cheeching halt.” -Mike
“Digits, I just want to say it would be such an honor to be sex trafficked by you.” – JC Coccoli
Digits offers to sex traffic her. It’s revealed that Digits is wearing a shirt with El Chapo.
“Who’s on his shirt?” -Jeff
“It’s El Chapo. That’s their MLK.” -Moses
“Digits, all cocaine aside, you’re very talented.” -JC
This battle was fun all around, and technically good on only one side. Russell absolutely dominates, but Digits is able to entertain the crowd with his pacing all over the stage, intimidating hand gestures, and most importantly pausing for laughs, then calling Russell a “bitch” in their absence. Since this is just in writing, it’s important to note that their was a 19 second (actually counted) laughter and applause break in response to Russell’s joke that Digits says was “horrible as fuck”. If we learned one thing about Russell in this battle, it’s that he’s half Mexican and half white. Russell unanimously wins the judge and audience vote. We should call him Russell “Zero” Ells because L stands for loss, and he has zero of those.
In the final battle of the night, we have two titans of Roasting, Nicole Becannon and Greg Roque. This isn’t just any ordinary battle, this is the semi-final round of the Road To Texas. The winner of this gets to go on the road with Roast Battle to Nashville, Huntsville, and Houstonville, which is just Houston. They will get paid to Roast Battle last week’s winner, Keith Carey in each of these towns. It’s a tremendous opportunity for these two Roast Battle stars, but only one can emerge victorious. Greg volunteers to go first, and America’s favorite pastime begins.
“Nicole used to date a heroin addict. Judging by her body, both their problems would be solved if you took away their spoons.”
“Okay you guys. Obviously, you can’t roast Greg without mentioning that he’s- Mexican. He also used to count cards in Vegas which isa lot like being Mexican in America, It’s not technically illegal but it is frowned upon.”
“It’s true. Nicole overdosed on pills and doctors had to act fast. They were able to induce vomiting by holding a mirror up to Nicole’s face.”
“It’s an effective method. OK, Seriously though, Greg had a terrible accident resulting in that haircut.”
“No lineup? Look, I’m going to address the elephant in the room, Nicole. Look, I know I’m disabled but Nicole reminds me of handicapped parking space because she’s the closest one guys can find and she’s a little wider, gives them more room to unload.”
“Greg is in a relationship and I know what you’re thinking. Can he even have sex with his girlfriend? I mean he’s clearly into dudes”
“I’ll just take what I can feel, you know. You know what I’m working with, I can’t tell the difference between holes. Nicole‘s boyfriend has actually slept with prostitutes, because just like in a comedy, nobody wants to pay Nicole to perform for 15 minutes.”
“Alright, I know you’re all waiting for me to mention it. You all want me to mention Greg’s parents. Greg’s dad was a janitor and his mom was a factory worker. Oh shit, shit, sorry, I already said he was Mexican.”
“A lot of you might recognize Nicole from all of Jeff Ross’s roast shows, but not a lot of you know you she tried to commit suicide. Nicole, you can’t do anything successful by yourself. So, next time, if you want anyone to give a shit about your suicide note start it with Jeff Ross Presents.”
“OK, I’ve avoided it for 4 jokes. I know, I’m amazing. But let’s talk about it- Greg grew up here. And that’s crazy, you’ve lived in LA long enough to shatter your dreams AND your spine. There it is! You’re welcome!”
“It’s hard not to sympathy vote in this situation, where one of the battlers has a disability, Nicole because you’re a woman. But you overcame that, and I think you won today.” -Joe DeRosa
“To make none of her jokes about his wheelchair, yet all of her jokes about his wheelchair at the same time was quite incredible. It was sort of like she hit him in his Achilles’ heel, which is crazy because he has no feeling in his heels.” -Tony Hinchcliffe
Greg had great jokes, but Nicole had the excellent jokes that were needed to pull off her flawlessly executed strategy. Tony Hinchcliffe hit the nail on the head, saying it was Greg’s Achilles’ heel. Some of his jokes seemed to built as replies to jokes about disabilities or wheelchairs. These would have built off those jokes wonderfully, but with Nicole avoiding the topic in plain sight, they felt forced, and were not able to build off the momentum. Each one of Nicole’s jokes got an escalated response to avoiding the wheelchair topic, plus another big pop at the actual joke. Likely by design, on her fifth joke, the reply to the misdirection experienced a heavy dip for the first time, which set up an explosion of laughter for the double misdirection when she finally did a joke about his shattered spine. Greg had a fantastic battle and brought great jokes, but Nicole is playing elite offense and defense right now, and it earned her a ticket to Texas!
“It’s kind of like he’s used to taking losses” -Mike
“Yeah, kind of like you in a writer’s room” -Greg
The room erupts, comedian and Suicide Girl Lindsey Jennings comes up and twerks on Greg.
“I just love how happy Moses is tonight, he doesn’t have to pay to take Greg to those three cities.” -Jeff
“Her jokes were just more accessible.” -Mike
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.