by Jay Light, photos by Troy Conrad

Before we get into our first battle, the floor is practically full. It’s a surefire sign that we’ve got a bunch of new people in the audience tonight. Moses banters with the crowd to explain the show and let them know what they’re in for:

“We want our whole audience to be full of haters. We want racists. We want ISIS. That’s it, really.”

After shouting out Coach Tea and SpeedWeed, Moses starts the first fight: Arthur Hamilton vs. Movses Shakarian. Arthur, fresh off a victory last week, comes to the stage first.

“Last week you battled a black guy.” – Moses

“Black on black crime. I’m a statistic.” – Arthur

"Let’s talk statistics. Black guys aren’t that good at this. And you’re battling a Mexican, who are the best at doing this.” – Moses

“Actually, he’s Armenian.” – Arthur

“Whatever. He’s from LA, he’s a Mexican.” – Moses

Movses comes to the stage and briefly introduces himself. Moses wastes no time in getting the battle going, with Arthur opting to go first due to his experience.

“You guys, I was trying to figure out who Movses looks like. Then I was smokin’ a blunt and it hit me: he looks like if Rosie O’Donnell fucked Jerry Seinfeld, then Jerry Seinfeld had the baby.”

A soft start. Just as it looks like the opening battle may be a letdown, Movses fires back with searing heat:

“Arthur Hamilton. If your name was any more white, you might know who your real dad is.”

“Where the fuck is you at, Dad? Movses, you’re a 37-year-old gay Armenian lawyer/comic, and you’re married to a 21-year-old boy. I dunno whether to call you a gay cougar or a successful pedophile.”

“The term is ‘manther.’ Arthur’s really close to his sister, who’s a lesbian, because she grew up looking at this big black pussy.”

“Movses isn’t very religious, but he definitely parted the Red Sea the first time he fucked his boyfriend in the ass.”

“Every time, bitch!”

If Movses didn’t announce up top that he was totally new at this, you wouldn’t know he’d never stepped into the ring before. He has the confidence and quickness of a career battler, and he’s likable as hell. He fires off his last joke:

“Arthur has the face of a young Eddie Murphy, and the comedy career of a current Charlie Murphy.”

After landing that final blow, Moses, Coach, and Belly Room regular Anna Valenzuela – who gushes about how amazing the battle was from the back of the room – are all extremely impressed. The audience picks Movses as the winner, but it’s obvious that everyone gets to walk away feeling good about themselves after the night’s first battle.

Next up, we have Ramon Hernandez vs. Jason King. Ramon strides on stage with a Mexican flag slung over his shoulder. His Latino pride endears him to the crowd from the get-go.

“Well, if I’m gonna get deported, I might as well take one of these white bitches with me.”

Jason comes on stage and people immediately chant “WHITE BITCH!” at him. This crowd is game.

“Lying-ass white motherfucker. Jason says he grew up poor, but he clearly didn’t grow up starving.”

“Thank you, Señor Clean! Ramon looks like a Ninja Turtle that came up out of the sewer but forgot its shell.”

Bien hecho, culero. Jason looks like his ancestors disciplined their slaves with a Miracle Whip.”

The Wave is pissed, but Jason follows in the footsteps of his ancestors and tells them to calm down.

“Easy. Easy. Ramon has defied Mexican stereotypes his whole life. He’s an active father and stepfather, he has no criminal record, and he doesn’t mow lawns. In Mexican culture, he’s commonly referred to as a pinche guero.

The crowd laughs, but not as much as Jason wants them to. That’s what you get for assuming the majority of Roast Battle fans are bilingual. Jason angrily translates:

“Fucking white boy, people! Fucking white boy! Goddammit!”

“Jason looks like he’s part of the 1%. The other 99 is body fat.”

“Speaking of fat, Ramon used to be a 380 pound Mexican comic with zero talent. Now, he’s a little bit skinnier.”

The crowd half-laughs, half-groans.

“Alright, I guess we don’t have a thinking crowd.”

Jason’s insult riles the crowd up, and the “WHITE BITCH!” chant starts once more with feeling.

“You look like an Uber driver who snuck him into the country in his trunk.” – Jeff Ross

Jeff throws his support to Ramon, and while the crowd gives Jason his due for putting on a good show, Ramon Hernandez takes this one en un caminar.

Up next, we have Kal Hamilton taking on Tim McGorry. Kal, his footing regained after a devastating loss last week, comes to the stage and explains why he wants to battle Tim:

“Because he’s an 11-year open micer and I’m tired of that shit! Gotta do some shows!”

Tim comes to the stage with swagger, explaining that Kal was far from his first choice to battle. While Tim gives us too much backstory and not enough joke, Russell Peters decides to drop into the VIP section.

“It looks like you’re playing opposite gang members in a musical.” – Jeff Ross

“Sad Max.” – Russell Peters

“I lost some weight recently. Kal also lost full custody of his children recently. Difference there is I can gain the weight back." 

"Tim’s been doing comedy since 2006. His dad died in 2009. It took three years for this fat motherfucker to finally kill.”

“From Mad Magazine’s Parent of the Year. I see a lot of Kal’s act a lot. Uh, I record the room tone, uh, at Kal’s shows, uh, and sell ’em as transcendental meditation CDs as yoga studios.”

This joke falls flat immediately. Tim tries to salvage the failure by going meta.

“I said ‘as yoga studios.’ That didn’t land as I was hoping it would.”

“Always love a little bombing commentary in between jokes." 

"Is this sponsored by Dyson? This sucks!” – Russell Peters

“Tim’s mom’s house burned down last year. Now I’ve gotta find a new place to fuck her. You feel me?”

This joke does okay, but Kal tries to double down…

“I gotta find a new place to fuck her! I fuck her!”

…to little avail. The Wave admires his gumption and throws a baby at him. 

“Kal’s such a terrible father he’s banned from signing up for family plans.”

Silence.

“That was such a terrible joke you’re banned from signing up for open mics.” – Russell Peters 

“11-year open micer! Tim claims he used to run marathons. Now alls I see him doing is run train on fuckin’ fat meatball sandwiches.”

“The only time I ever see you use a scale is when you buy a nickel bag off me.”

“You look like you ate all the grease from Grease.”

This impromptu overtime winds up paying off big for Kal, who rocks the room with his final off-the-cuff line.

“What’s his name, Moses?” – Jeff Ross

“Kal Hamilton.” – Moses

“And who’s Fat Wolverine over there?” – Jeff Ross

“That’s Huge Jackman.” – Russell Peters

After critiquing Tim’s comedic timing and addressing how most of the jokes in this battle were pretty terrible, the judges praise Kal for his turnaround at the end. The crowd cheers and Kal walks away with a win under his belt.

Before the final chunk of battles starts, Saudi Prince shows up.

“Coach Tea and I were celebrating, I just got put on a "People To Watch” list.“ – Saudi Prince

"That’s an airport watchlist.” – Russell Peters

“Some people Russell Peters, I like to rustle pussies, man.” – Saudi Prince

The crowd cheers, hotter than ever, ready for the battle for nursing home supremacy between Bob Golub and Felicia Michaels. Coach brings up Felicia to Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” and this classy dame strides onto the stage.

“I saw Bob and two words came to mind: head trauma.“ – Felicia Michaels

"I saw Bob and two words came to mind: Trader Joe’s.” – Randy Sklar

Bob is feisty: calling out Moses for pronouncing his name wrong, calling out Cort McCown for shitting on his age, and attacking every judge who slings an arrow at him.

“I’ve known Bob a long time. You guys are taunting a fuckin’ maniac right now.” – Jeff Ross

“Do you know how many Vietnamese villagers he’s killed?” – Moshe Kasher

“Bob is a Robert Duvall character in real life.” – Russell Peters

After a little more back-and-forth involving Bob being a lunatic and Felicia giving good blowjobs once her dentures are out, Moses calls for the battle to start. Bob takes the first swing.

“Just so you know about Felicia: she was in Playboy, ’92, and she also was a stripper, and she got a tattoo, a little seashell tattoo." 

Bob gestures to his inner thigh.

"She let me put my ear next to it, I swear to God I could smell the ocean.”

The room blows up as the Wave spits sea spray all over the front row.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but Bob, as a young man, was a boxer. This head has been hit on more times by a black guy than Khloe Kardashian’s clit.”

“So Felicia used to date a dealer, and she said she’d always make more money because she could wash her crack and keep using it over and over.”

The joke doesn’t land, probably due to a combo of Bob’s rapid delivery and the crowd still reeling from Felicia’s first joke. Bob, however, has already proven he’s not going to take shit from anyone here tonight.

“Fuck you, that’s a good joke. I just wrote this shit today.”

“Speaking of dealers, Bob did two years in prison! For dealing drugs, yes. I love Bob. Bob actually had a good reputation in prison. He’s not a squealer unless you catch him quickly from behind.”

“Well, I asked Felicia if she ever talked during sex, and she said no, her dad hates that.”

“What else can I tell you about Bob?”

Felicia, laughing nervously, readies for her final salvo as Bob relishes in the laughs his old-school roast jokes are getting from the crowd.

“Seriously, Bob is a go-getter. Bob recently just finished a project where he directed and produced a feature film in which he stars in, and you can actually see the premiere this Saturday at 7 o’clock at his house, specifically in the kitchen on his laptop.”

By the time Felicia mentions the time, Coach Tea has already begun to play her off with the Final Jeopardy theme music. Felicia is fun to watch on stage, but her jokes, like those of so many first-time battlers, are just too long. The judges have almost nothing negative to say about the proceedings.

“This to me was like a deleted scene from Gran Torino.” – Jason Sklar

“GET OFF MY PUSSY.” – Russell Peters

“I liked it because you were both so old, in the middle of your jokes you forgot you were doing comedy.” – Moshe Kasher

Felicia seems to come to Bob’s defense, only to turn on him seconds later.

“That is uncool, my friend. This motherfucker was in Saved By The Bell. He played "short thug,” which weirdly is the same thing his wife calls his cock.“

"We’re still riffin’? Look, I’ve known her for a long time, and she will play it safe when it comes to sex. She took the AIDS test and got a 98. POW!”

“I cannot wait to see you on the Real Hobos of Comedy tour.” – Randy Sklar

“It looks like you’re divorcing your fourth wife.” – Jeff Ross

“I’d like to remind everybody this is why we don’t let women speak in my country.” – Saudi Prince

“This is like Adventures in Babysitting meets Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas.” – Russell Peters

The judges ultimately throw their support behind Bob Golub, and his arthritic hand is raised in victory.

“Good battle. Felicia looks like Farrah Fawcett and Bob looks like he fixes faucets.” – Jeff Ross

The night’s main event is upon us: Doug Fager vs. Jeanne Whitney.

“Doug’s just one of the best, and I wanted a chance to call him a faggot on stage.” – Jeanne Whitney

“Well, the last time she battled, some information came out about some sexting that Moses may have been doing while they were dating. They used to date. I wanted to let everyone know that Moses was sexting me too.” – Doug

“I knew it.” – Jeanne

Moses immediately begins making the same faces he did during the Jeanne Whitney/Lindsey Jennings battle, the last time the sexting was brought up. He tries to play it cool…

“I’m really into Doug. I love both of you…anyway.” – Moses

…but as soon as Moses says the L word, the room erupts in laughter and Moses’ forehead erupts in glistening sweat.

“Moses is sweating like Jeff Sessions in a congressional hearing.” – Jeff Ross

“This looks like a battle set up by the Farmers Only dating app.” – Saudi Prince

The five-joke main gets underway, with Doug opting to take the first swing.

“Jeanne actually has a lot of African DNA in her gene pool. Her ‘Jeanne pool’ is what she calls her pussy.”

“Doug looks like Marty McFly if he lived out of his DeLorean.”

“Jeanne, your lips are so big, your head looks like a pontoon boat.”

For the first time in a long string of battles, Doug’s joke eats it. Haiti comes out and shakes his head at the silence. Jeanne readies a comeback.

“I got my big lips from my dad. The only thing Doug’s dad left was his family.”

“Jeanne, you look like the Little Mermaid if the top half were the fish part.”

Doug recovers nicely with this joke, bringing out the Wave and a Coach Tea drop of Disney classic “Under The Sea.”

“Doug said that battling me was going to be a lose-lose. Which is also what his dad said when [Doug’s] brother died but [Doug] lived.”

“If you fuck Jeanne Whitney, you win BassMasters.”

Jeanne is on fire, but Doug’s joke causes the entire crowd to point at Moses and chant “BASSMASTER!” He hides his face, then laughs, resigned to his fate of being the butt of the joke.

“But he fucked, though!” – Haiti

“That’s a lot of bass!” – Josh Meyrowitz

“Doug keeps a standup clip online so girls can experience what a real hard five should feel like.”

“Jeanne has been cheated on by so many black guys, her vagina has been renamed the college entrance exam.”

“Most people drive for Uber so they can follow their dreams, and Doug’s dream was someone creating an app that lured people into his car.”

The audience can’t help but chant “BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE!” after that impressive showing. These two rocked the room, bringing out the Wave with almost every single joke, and even getting Moses involved a couple of times. The judges deliberate:

“I was gonna give it to the Real Housewife of Van Nuys…but I really do think that was a draw.” – Jason Sklar

Moshe thinks Doug’s Little Mermaid joke was the best of the whole round, but also shits all over Doug for his pontoon boat joke bombing. As for Jeanne, while he compliments her for having every single joke hit – and gets into it with a basic bitch in the crowd about how he chooses to phrase his praise – he says that the overall combo creates a draw. Cort McCown agrees, but throws in one caveat:

“The fact that she had to sleep with [Moses] should give her at least a little bit of an edge.” – Cort McCown

“If I knew that was gonna be part of the judging, I would have totally fucked Moses.” – Doug Fager

“This has been a really long show, I’m gonna be honest with you guys.” – Moses

“She’d yell out ‘look me in both of my eyes’, right, Brian?” – Moshe Kasher

So the battle doesn’t end with a draw, the competitors go into sudden death overtime. Jeanne swings first.

“Doug, you quit doing standup. You quit being sober. You have erectile dysfunction. Is there anything you can keep up?”

“Moses is host of Jeff Ross’ Roast Battle 1 and 2, and Jeanne Whitney’s herpes simplex 1 and 2.”

Jeanne smashes. Doug’s joke, while solid, gets a combination of laughter and boos from the crowd. The judges are unanimous: Jeanne has earned her victory against one of LA’s best fighters, her sweet Midwestern exterior clearly covering up a glorious mean streak. Welcome back, Jeanne. Glad to have you showing us how it’s done again.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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