ed. note: if you want to watch the last Roast Battle before the Comedy Store went dark for the quarantine, watch on the Roast Battle YouTube channel at this link: https://youtu.be/G4pfJP1zQQA
Due to the Coronavirus, or as Roast Battle’s own Saudi Prince called it kung flu, Roast Battle will be suspended until further notice to aid in the effort to not kill all the old people. If this destroys us all, and society crumbles, then wow what a great last Roast Battle.
To start the night at the judging table, we have current Roast Battle champion, Brett Erickson, along with RB legends, Sarah Keller and Connor McSpadden.
Rounding out the show is the chant master, Josh Meyrowitz, referee and host Brian Moses, and the long awaited return of DJ Coach Tea! The crowd is pumped, completely oblivious to the tragic fact that MLB spring training is about to be cancelled.
The first battle of the night is a double virgin suicide as Fiona Reid takes on John Daniel Luna. They both come out and Moses asks John why he’s battling Fiona.
“I think Fiona called me out because she thought it would be easy, which coincidentally is why everyone becomes her friend.”
John gets a good pop right off the gate, and the crowd is excited for the battles to start. Fiona volunteers to go first.
“John has Psoriasis which is caused by an overactive immune system, which is the only active part of John.”
“Fiona loves astrology. I’m a virgo and she’s a cancer… to the comedy community.”
“Thank you Mexican Michael Moore”
“Yeah you fat piece of shit!” -Josh Meyrowitz
“John hasn’t had any luck on grinder, but only because they don’t allow tits in your profile picture.”
“Thank you autistic rapunzel. Fiona works with horses. Her favorite horse is a trojan horse because she wants 30 italian men inside her.”
“Aww someone has horse penis envy. John claims to be bisexual even though he’s never been with a man. He just knows he loves the taste of semen, but looking at him, he likes the taste of anything in his mouth.”
“Thank you Seabis-Cunt”
The crowd erupts and a “Seabis-Cunt” chant ensues.
“Fiona started at UCSB a year after the Isla Vista shooting. To prevent any further tragedies, she fucked every loser at UCSB.”
“If they sold a horse girl costume at party city, this would be it.” -Connor
“This is like when the hot girl takes the special needs boy to the prom.” -Brett
“This was a really great battle between with Sally from Nightmare before Christmas and the pumpkin.” -Sarah
“I also used to work with horses.” -Sarah
*Snores into microphone* -Connor
“Audience do you like Fiona or Shrek?” -Moses
These two had a phenomenal debut battle, really starting the night off strong. Fiona Reid made me look up how to spell Psoriasis, never would’ve guessed that. I googled “Seriasis” which isn’t that far off when you break it down. The judges heap them with praise, and it’s too close to call as the audience splits the vote resulting in a tie, but both battlers were winners tonight. Just not literally.
In between the next two battles, Roast Battle favorite Saudi Prince shows up to sit in his corner by the stage.
“Saudi Prince, where have you been?” -Moses
“Fuck man, I’ve been stuck on a cruise ship for a couple weeks, playing cat and mouse with this fucking kung flu, or whatever it is.” -Saudi
“You did not get enough credit for calling coronavirus the kung flu” -Connor
Connor’s correct, that was very funny. I’ve written it three times in this recap.
Up next we have Sibyl Jin vs Caroline Georges in a heated battle with a muddied history. Sibyl comes out first and is asked why she’s battling Caroline.
“Because I said I could fight her in a fist fight, but she disagrees, so here we are.” -Sibyl
“Ok, but this isn’t a physical fight” -Moses
“I know” -Sibyl
The confusion is palpable as Caroline Georges is brought to the stage. Brian Moses asks her why she’s battling Sibyl.
“As a stripper, I’ve held my own in many fights. I did my best and one day Sibyl said that she could kick my ass, and I was like ‘what the fuck?! Are you serious bitch?!’ So I’m going to kick her ass at roast battle.” -Caroline
“This is not the Ms. America Stripper pageant” -Moses
A lot more talk about this discussion of a fist fight that became a roast battle or something, still no clue what the fuck they’re talking about. What were they fighting over? Did they come close to fist fighting and this show assisted in abrogating violence? Was it just a discussion about who was capable of kicking whose ass, and they nonsensically decided to settle it by a Roast Battle? What the fuck does abrogating mean? No one knows! It was weird. Caroline volunteers to go first.
“Covid19… Herpes. Let’s roast” -Moses
“Sibyl is actually quite the environmentalist. She even recycles the paper bags guys put over her head.”
“Thank you Skeleton Johannson. She says she can kick my ass, which makes sense because I’m not even as strong as the smell of her vagina.”
“Sibyl’s always bitching about me asking her money all the time, but it’s confusing because she looks just like the Japanese businessman I strip for.”
“Too bad he complained about her passing him the coronavirus. Caroline is so poor that the only vibrator she has is her electronic toothbrush? Yeah… Uh, she can’t even afford that. I don’t know.”
“Ouch! Ow! Sibyl, she says she’s a feminist, but that just means she’s too ugly to get raped.”
“Caroline’s the cheapest dancer in the club. When someone hands her a dollar bill, she has to dig out a quarter from her asshole.”
“Man, too ugly to get raped. We’ve heard a lot of things on this show, that might be the meanest.” -Moses
“This is like a battle between a librarian and a woman taking a shit in the middle of the library.” -Connor
“I feel like this was a battle between the Wuhan Virus and all the other viruses.” -Brett
“Caroline, you have the lips of Tony Hinchcliffe, and the body of Tony Hinchcliffe. I can see why you quit stripping to do comedy… but you did great tonight.” -Brett
“I feel like a fist fight would have been less painful” -Sarah
“If this was an actual fight, we’d yell out ninja star, not world star” -Moses
“My friend, this was a nice reenactment of my favorite MADTV sketch. I feel like this is the development room of a sex doll, like she’s designing her.” -Saudi Prince
Here’s what I think happened, piecing the story together from the information we have plus limited speculation. I think Sibyl and Caroline were good friends, possibly roommates. Caroline would ask Sibyl for money often, probably starting small, gradually increasing to larger amounts. Caroline would pay back, but always late. Sibyl grew frustrated. She became more and more suspicious that one of these days it was going to be a large enough sum loaned for Caroline to take the money and disappear, like the skin off a corpse after 8-12 years.
Finally, Sibyl goes too far and asks for money while already indebted, Sibyl says no and airs some grievances. Caroline gets indignant in the way only a stripper could. Sibyl says she wants the money she’s owed now, it was promised weeks ago. Caroline asks what she’s going to do about it. Sibyl says she will beat the fuck out of Caroline. They list off their fighting resumes. Both are convinced they would win the fight, but they agree that physical fights are a younger woman’s game, and should settle this in a roast battle. Sibyl wins, Caroline says Sibyl is too ugly too get raped, they both forget about the money and remain friends until Caroline dies.
If it wasn’t clear, Sibyl won. They had a great battle, both hitting big with early jokes. Sibyl’s stumble on her last joke was a bit of a momentum stopper right near the end, but her first two jokes hit so hard that she was still able to secure a victory in her first battle.
The final undercard of the night saw Saul Trujillo take on Victor Martinez Jr. These guys are similar, you’ll see what I mean.
Saul comes out first, glorious mullet and all, and Moses asks why he’s battling his doppelgänger, Victor.
“I’m going to die of a heart attack or he is, it doesn’t matter. We’re the same person.”
Victor is brought up next, and the crowd sees the similarities and laughs about it. Moses asks Victor why he battled the other guy.
“Because ambiguous mexican lesbian thing is my thing. And there’s not enough room for both of us in this town, physically. He’s taking all my parts man, I keep running into him at auditions and shit.” -Victor
“You guys do not do auditions.” -Connor
At this point, Jeff Ross shows up, uncharacteristically late due to an unusually early start to the roast battles. He quickly figures out what’s going on.
“This looks like the aborted version of each other. I can’t believe I missed it” -Jeff
“No, we’re about to get in to it now” -Moses
“Oh good” -Jeff
Saul offers to go first, and the battle is underway.
“Victor smokes a lot of weed, which is ironic because he looks like a guy coming out of a dispensary who got cursed by a wizard into turning in to a frog, but the process stopped half way through.”
“Thank you Engorged Lopez”
“No problem, Freddy Soso.”
“Listen here, Carl’s Jr. Santana. Saul used to be addicted to gambling… his heart beats before he’d have an attack again… but his bookies hated him because they couldn’t find his kneecaps.”
“Victor runs an open mic in a garage next to an apartment where he raises his son. In the process of being a good parent, he probably created a kid to be the first child to ever wish his dad would have left.”
“Thank you Carlos Men-steal-yo-food. That’s right, I have a half white, half mexican baby. I don’t date my own kind because after one kid they usually look like Saul.”
“People say I should dress better, like peacoats and Yeezys. Thank god for Victor, to prove them wrong. I’m not done! I’m not done! He looks like- he looks like- he looks like I’m- never mind, I’m not going to do it, I’m going to end on that”
“Saul, I hate standing next to you because we look like two dudes who just catfished each other. And then we just decided to go eat catfish together.”
“Saul has the perfect Mexican mullet because it’s an illegal business in the front and a way too loud party in the back.” -Connor
“After watching this battle, I’m not sure Trump needs to build a wall. I think a high curb might do it.” -Brett
Saul’s first joke is as confusing as that shit I made up about the previous battle. His last joke probably got the biggest reaction of the battle, but then he fucked that up big time, with the follow up and take back. Even if he didn’t bone himself, it likely wasn’t enough to overcome the deficit as Victor got consistent pretty solid reactions on each joke, and takes home the win.
The first main event of the night has two of roast battles best as Robin Tran goes up against Alex Hooper.
Alex comes out, I mean up, to Can’t Touch This in his beautiful sparkly mythical beast costume. Brian asks why he’s battling Robin.
“You know, Robin and I both looked deep inside ourselves to discover who we were. I figured out, I’m a multi-sexual desert creature. And Robin figured out she’s a public defender from The Lego Movie. Oh, you’ll see.”
“His thighs are incredible” -Moses
Robin comes out next and immediately starts in on Alex.
“I’m not woke enough to accept whatever the fuck this is. If I was your dad, I would beat the shit out of you. This guy stole my gig of being a gay cartoon character. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?” -Robin
Robin has an aggressive offense right out the gates and it’s getting big laughs early.
“Alex looks like how Robin thinks she looks” -Jeff
Alex volunteers to go first and we’re off.
“Ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for my opponent, the joy tuck club. Robin told me she’s depressed, but I can’t imagine why! She grew up poor, in Garden Grove, with an alcoholic father. She smells like bad fish, she smokes two joints every morning, and she’s a horrible driver who always goes the wrong way. Robin! How are you depressed? Clearly, your life is sublime!”
“I didn’t know you could be boring in that costume. Oh my God, my character! Alex, or whatever the fuck this thing is, Alex has two pugs, that he loves very much because they’re the only things in his life that will kiss him on the mouth.”
“They actually kiss me on the dick, thank-you. Robin, once had to pay a fine for public urination. I just watched your special on Amazon, and honestly that’s the stream you should’ve been fined for.”
“Thanks for promoting my comedy special, stupid. You might be surprised by this, but Alex has had a girlfriend for ten years. Which is not surprising because we’ve already established that Alex loves dogs.”
Alex’s girlfriend is pointed out to Robin.
“That’s OK, she can take it. Robin has been with her girlfriend, Kate for seven years, which means her girlfriend was with her as she transitioned from a man to a woman. Even 50 years after the war, Americans still can’t pull out of Vietnam.”
“Did the costume make you lose your ability to edit? Alex has a peanut allergy, so are you just around peanuts all the time?”
“Well thank you very much, Mrs. Swan. She look-a like a man.”
“I do, it’s ok.”
“Robin is a terrible driver, but it’s not because she’s asian, or because she’s a woman. It’s just very difficult to drive when you’re putting on makeup to cover your beard.”
“You want to try saying that again, people didn’t hear you.”
“Are you sure, because I’m quite loud”
Robin begins laughing uncontrollably “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“So much. We’re both transitioning, Robin”
“Alex, why is your face so dry? Did you just finish eating out your girlfriend’s pussy?”
“Oh trust me Robin, my dog’s stay wet. Before I say my final joke, give it up one more time for my opponent, gook looks like a lady. You know, a lot of people wonder how to say the main dish in Vietnam. Most people think it’s “pho” as in Robin as in Robin is a fo-woman. But it’s actually “pho” as in that’s why she looks so fu-cked up.”
“Finish him” -Joshua Meyrowitz
“Yeah, I will. Don’t worry” -Robin
“Which one, who’s finishing who. We’re both hims.” -Alex
“Maybe, if you keep doing it people will laugh. Ok, I’m being mean. The other day, Alex went to the store and he bought and all the toilet paper and all the face masks, and the cashier asks “are you stocking up for the coronavirus?” and Alex goes, “What’s the Coronavirus?” I knew I shouldn’t have done that joke.”
“Wow, you said I’m not funny and you brought that?! Woah!” -Alex
“There’s no doubt that was weird. Robin looks great. You got the dress” -Connor
“Oh shut up, Connor. You fucking liar” -Robin
“You’ve got the dress, and your big brown face. You look like a chicken nugget trying to make it in New York City” -Connor
“This was a great battle by two people who go by the pronoun “it” -Sarah
“Robin, you were so mean tonight. Like the meanest I’ve ever seen you” -Moses
“I didn’t even do my meanest joke tonight, I saved it for overtime. I thought he was going to do better. I’m sorry.” -Robin
“Robin, what I love about you, is you transitioned to a woman like a man. By that I mean, without any respect for women whatsoever. You look like you transitioned in a hurry. Like the “are you a woman” cops were at the door.” -Brett
“Thanks for visiting us from the planet tries too hard” -Jeff
“It’s what I’m best at, Jeff. I took it out of your book.” -Alex
“They both look like they have a great connection for very different drugs.” -Saudi Prince
Jeff asks Alex what brought him back to Roast Battle after so long, and it turns out it was to prep for a follow up appearance on America’s Got Talent, after going viral for roasting the judges last year. Be sure to check that out. It was an absolutely vicious and hilarious battle on both sides, but Robin dominated and earned a unanimous judgement of victory.
Any other night, Robin vs Alex would have headlined the night, no questions asked, but there was one more battle, a three round main event between two of the best to ever take the stage as Nicole Becannon takes on Pat Barker.
Nicole comes up dressed to kill, Pat comes up dressed to sit. They just say nice shit about each other for why they’re battling. Pat says he’s hoping for battle of the year, calling his shot. Nicole volunteers to go first.
“Pat’s brother teaches bible study, eww. The bible? Can you imagine being dedicated to something so thick and pointless and boring and old? Because Pat’s wife can.”
“Nicole just finished writing for an unreleased TV show called Nice Ones. I don’t know the plot, but it’s definitely not about her tits.”
“Alright. Pat actually met his wife when her mom opened for him. In retrospect, marrying her daughter is the worst thing a white man has done to their female opener.”
“That deserves so much more. Nicole once attempted to kill herself, by swallowing a bunch of pills while she listened to the song, November Rain. I know, hilarious, not the joke. Here’s my thing, how bad do you have to be at suicide to not get enough pills down during November fucking Rain? It’s like 13 minutes long! Anyone who’s not a complete idiot would have been dead by the third guitar solo.”
“It’s a good guitar solo too, you know? I didn’t want to miss it. Oh man, Pat I can’t believe you’re married. You do not make enough money to make up for all this. I don’t know your net income, but I do know you’re gross.”
“I can’t believe I’m being called gross by a chick who looks like Jennifer Aniston if she got bit by a zombie. Here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Nicole is actually a very talented writer, and she just recently finished her latest script. It’s a six month supply of prozac she got in January.”
“I haven’t seen a three rounder this hot in a long time” -Jeff
It was so close, Nicole you were great, but I do love jokes about your tits. Those are my favorite. Nicole’s tits are a lot like Isis; they want you to think they still exist, but they don’t. They’re done.” -Connor
“I’ve seen Nicole’s tits and they’re phenomenal” -Sarah
“Small but mighty” -Nicole
“By the way, I’ve seen Pat’s tits and they’re phenomenal” -Jeff
“They are bigger” -Sarah
“His nipples are certainly harder” -Brett
Brett Erickson issues a prolonged, slightly rambling challenge to the winner of this battle for a shot at his championship title, since the number one contender, Omid Singh has fled the country. Because of this he will be refraining from voting to avoid bias.
“I’m dropping out of the battle” -Nicole
“I feel like when Hulk Hogan called people out, he got right to it.” -Connor
“He didn’t break out his calendar. So you’re saying your would be opponent is traveling during the virus to get away from you” -Jeff
The room is on fire, as the precision and power of each of their jokes hits on another level. Nicole takes the unanimous victory in the first round, delivering nothing but home runs. Pat defers to Nicole for the second round.
“Pat is on an Uber driver’s salary, and has to make enough to feed a family of three. Plus he has to feed his wife and his kid too.”
“Pat has to drive uber for so many hours, the only person he’s not picking up is his son.”
“Pat’s biggest fear is disappointing people. I guess he’s conquering it through immersion therapy.”
“Nicole has had sex with so many comedians, she nicknamed her three holes the original room, main room, and belly room.”
“Nicole told me she recently had her first lesbian experience, and I was shocked. I can’t believe somebody trusted you around scissors.”
“Nicole recently wrote for the roast of Shaquille O’Neal, and she told me her only goal that weekend was to fuck Shaq. It didn’t happen though. If you guys remember his playing style, he was never in to nailing threes.”
“Two of the best roasters I’ve ever seen.” -Don Barris
“Again, I don’t want to judge and I might be in trouble on May the 5th.” -Brett Erickson bringing levity to his earlier misfire like a true pro
Again, both battlers hit hard on every joke, but Pat takes the second round unanimously, absolutely decimating and building into an uproar by his haymaker third joke. It all comes down to the third round. Pat volunteers to go first.
“Nicole has spent the last couple years writing original TV scripts that have all been rejected. She’s had worse luck with pilots than Kobe Bryant.”
“I’m just doing this between writing jobs and stand up. This is all Pat does now, he’s just a fat guy from Jersey who roasts. So Jeff, if you’re wondering what if your life had just taken a few wrong turns.”
“It’s true, I’m kind of between jobs right now, but Nicole is going to be unemployed too once they stop testing makeup on animals. Nicole lost her virginity to a heroin addict, who then cheated on her and dumped her. I mean it’s crazy; this guy has been to jail, he’s been homeless, and he said that’s the worst box he’s ever been inside.”
“It’s true, I’ve dated a lot of addicts who have disappointed me and everyone they love and ruin their lives. Pats never done drugs, but the result is still the same.”
“Nicole has a gay brother and a 12 year old sister. So, uh, jeez I don’t know, I guess… I guess I’d marry the 12 year old, fuck the gay dude, and kill Nicole?”
“The first show Pat ever worked on was cancelled. The last show he worked on, cancelled. The only reason his life, marriage, and whole career haven’t ended is because Pat hasn’t worked on them.”
“Whoever tried to 3D print the cast of Roseanne did a great job.” -Saudi Prince
“How many towers down?” -Jeff
“I’m going to give it three towers down.” -Saudi Prince
“We got building 7 too!” -Nicole
“Expect the third one to come this year” -Saudi Prince
Somehow, after absolutely dazzling the room, they both have their best round of the night in the third. This amazing battle is too close to call and the before the judges can declare a winner, they need to see one more sudden death over time joke. Nicole goes first.
“Pat’s dad fought in Vietnam, and Pat followed in his footsteps as a comedy veteran in a long struggle that ended in complete failure. He’ll also probably die of a heart attack.”
“Probably. Look, Nicole in all seriousness you’re one of my best friends, and I love you, and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve accomplished in comedy. And I’m really looking forward to performing at the Nicole Becannon Festival of Friendship in like six months.”
“They didn’t get the reference, goddamnit!” -Pat
“It’s inside. That was so good. You guys tonight is the Brody Stevens festival show and he killed himself” -Nicole
“At first I thought Pat was going to get his first overtime win because Nicole’s joke it didn’t hit super hard, but then Pat’s didn’t either.” -Sarah
“I think Nicole, a lot like that corset, you couldn’t hold it all together at the end.” -Connor
“Connor, I’ll lend you this corset later, you faggot.” -Nicole
Nicole’s uncharacteristic and unexpected use of faggot earns a big laugh. The follow up attempt at a “faggot” chants falls flat, and that’s probably good.
“Nicole got it in sudden death” -Jeff
The reference to the simultaneously occurring Brody Stevens Festival of Friendship going on in the Main Room of the Comedy Store is lost on the audience, and Pat’s joke falls flat, save a few laughs from the people who got it. Both roasters are lauded with praise, and everyone knows it is well earned. Nicole takes the victory in an absolutely amazing battle. Pat may have lost, but there’s a good chance he successfully called this battle being battle of the year. Of course that will come with an asterisk due to a shortened season.