It’s Tuesday and that means it’s time for word-based warfare. While white dudes continue to buy semi-automatic weapons and powerful Hollywood producers jerk off into plants, comedians will do battle in the Belly Room. At this point, you have to wonder what Trump is going to do to take back the top trending spots. Whatever! Let’s meet our judges…
We’ve got a packed panel of Roast Battle royalty this week. The Wave is sure to make a splash adding their voices to a show that is mostly familiar with their goofy bodies. Then we have former house hater and noted white enthusiast, Earl Skakel. You can see Earl making his cartoon debut this Sunday on Adult Swim’s The Jellies. And of course, there’s Roast Master General himself, Jeff Ross. Let’s roast!
The first battle of the night is a catfight that features first-timer Cat Wright against the recently battle-tested Kelsey Lane.
Kelsey Lane had a good showing in her debut a few weeks back, and she’s back on the warpath. This looks like a contest between romantic comedy supporting cast members. Cat Wright will be making her battle debut opposite this quirky crimson-haired siren. That’s right, Kelsey is a musician as well as a comedian. We’ll see if she can strike a chord with the crowd or if it’s time to face the music.
In the second undercard, Movses Shakarian seeks to demolish Sharon Houston.
Sharon Houston has been featured on Comedy Central, MTV, GSN, Oxygen, and VH1 as well as producing for FOX, NBC and CBS. Movses Shakarian produces a monthly show at Flappers Comedy Club. Despite Sharon’s more impressive resume, Movses has been putting the mean in Armenian on a weekly basis. This is his third week in a row stepping into the Thunderdome. A battle schedule like that can really burn you out, but he’s been consistently entertaining and his only loss has been to Roast Battle beast, Leah Kayajanian. Will he continue to impress or be pressed into a corner? Find out tonight!
The final undercard pits former biscuit enthusiast and current blogger, John-Michael Bond againstformer Marine and current Republican, Mitch Burrow.
This battle is like if the comments of an anti-gun Facebook post come to life. I’m not sure if this is the left versus right fight we’ve been waiting for, but it has the makings of an interesting matchup. John-Michael Bond had an awkwardly strange performance at his last battle. From what I was able to gather, his opponent told a molestation joke so baffling it derailed the momentum of the battle and led to him taking a loss in what was an otherwise decent performance. But he’s back going belly-to-belly against the accomplished comedian but first-time battler, Mitch Burrow. Mitch will also be battling his way up the Belly Room stairs.
In our first of two main events, Jeff Sewing returns to wage war with Rachel Mac.
Jeff Sewing doesn’t battle often, but he is always impressive in the Belly Room, earning victories over top battlers the likes of Jay Light and Leah Kayajanian. He is white as fuck. His face is the very absence of color. He looks like all of the Midwest in one friendly person. I bet when he travels he only eats at diners. Rachel Mac has been impressive in all of her battles, and in a relatively short time has established herself as a force to be reckoned with. This will be a great battle between my aunt and uncle. Rachel is a middle school teacher, obviously. And Jeff is the third basemen for every slow pitch softball team. We’re sincerely excited to see these wicked white people get verbally violent tonight.
Finally, in a huge three-round main event, two of the best names in the game, Ragin’ Asian Alex Duong faces off with Doug “#Fuck” Fager.
Alex Duong, seen here after his recent battle with Stuart Thompson, was on an unprecedented assassination rampage that would give the Vegas shooter a run for his money. That was before last month when his hot streak was stopped cold, and he brought much shame to his family. Doug Fager is coming off a couple of losses served up by underdogs in five joke fights, and he’s itching to get back into a proper three-round slugfest. As far as style goes, these two have shown similar strokes with some esoteric observations coupled with pure mean hate speech. Ranked 11 (Duong) and 12 (Fager), both these heavyweights are working hard to prove themselves worthy of being in LA’s Top 10. With rumors about Roast Battle Season 3 swirling around the scene, these scrappy battlers would love nothing more than to demand their spot with their performances tonight. They are both word warriors of the highest order, but there can only be one winner, and you’ll have to watch tonight to find out who it will be.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.