Energy is rising in the air as Jeremiah Watkins and Boon Shakalaka are sharing their stage time. Jeremiah is repeating everything Boon says into the microphone with his own explanation of each joke. The entire moment is funny, but so uncomfortable. It feels as autistic as Josh Meyrowitz, who charges the stage and hops around with his shirt off like an autistic Energizer bunny. Coach Tea is out tonight, so Jeff Ross asks that the crowd brings the extra energy. He brings up our loved host Brian Moses with so much raw energy, the audience is completely engaged. Next, the firing squad is introduced. Tonight it’s comprised of Clayton English, Josh Adam Meyers, Katie O’ Brien, and of course Jeff Ross. With this all-star panel established, we’re ready for Roast Battle to blast off.
Jane Johnsen gracefully strolls up to the stage first. Moses makes sure to let everyone know that although she had only battled once before, she knocked out her debut. Then, Reid Brackenbury tramps up holding a wrapped gift for Jane. He announces that “Reid couldn’t make it out tonight. I’m his brother, Rude Smackenbury”, and then flips off the audience. When Brian Moses asks Jane who called who out, she says:
“I lied and I told him this was a date.”
Saudi Prince makes his presence known as he announces,
“I was trying to figure out if I can get a refund on the last year of Trump’s presidency. I paid for four years. It looks like I’m only getting three. It’s like Verizon. It’s a pain in the ass.”
The crowd eats it up like a chubby kid gobbles up Rocky Road. Reid, I mean “Rude”, interjects.
“Brian, can I say why I’m battling? I’m battling Jane the same reason anyone ever goes to Jane’s shows. I’m just trying to fuck her,”
He now reveals the back of his shirt that has “How What???” printed on the front and “How Rude” printed on the back. He yells out, “How WHAT?,” then turns around and says “How RUDE!”. This creates, for some reason, some crowd participation where they yell it out with him. A Full House reference. Gross. What is this guy, from Canada? Jane attempts to clap back by grabbing the microphone out of his hand. She begins with, “Very bold of you to wear a shirt of the demographic–,” but is interrupted by Jeff Ross saying, “Wait a minute. Save it for the battle.” When Brian asks who is going first, Reid asks, “I can be a little bit rude, can I go first?”. Everyone obliges.
“Jane suffers from depression, anxiety, and borderline no personality disorder.”
“Wow. Pretty rude coming from a guy that looks like he roofies little boys with ginger snaps. Reid looks like the first child molester to be a bottom.”
“They call me Carrot Bottom, okay? I was a little rude to myself. Jane teaches yoga. Yet, her dad pays for all her bills. Her favorite position is, “I’m still a child” pose.
“Reid would try yoga but why pay $27 for a class when he can get his asshole stretched out for free?”
“Jane, you downward-facing bitch. Jane has severe acne. Her face is the biggest cover-up since Epstein’s murder. How what? How rude!”
“Reid, you’re right. I did have acne this year but your entire life has been an awkward stage. Reid recently taped 30 minutes of comedy material. He called it a special. We all called it retarded.”
Reid’s biggest pop was when he called Jane a “downward facing bitch,” but Jane’s jokes had more consistent laughs, with the biggest pop being the child molester joke. Reid then gives Jane her gift, which is a framed portrait of him flipping off the camera. The firing squad weighs in.
“This is the funniest episode of the Real World Road Rules challenge.” – Josh Adam Meyers
“Jane, when you said you were friends, I thought, ‘Oh! She fucks him!’” – Clayton English
After this light ribbing, they give Jane the win unanimously. However, the crowd decides who wins for this one, and they give it to Jane as well, with roaring applause. What a gift of a first undercard battle for this crowd. Reid did a phenomenal job for his first battle with his theatrics, prop comedy, and character. A little flare combined with the element of surprise is always encouraged and appreciated here. As for Jane, she proved you don’t necessarily need theatrics if you come prepared with icy rebuttals and well-crafted jokes. I think I speak for many when I say I hope to see her become a recurring player in the ring.
Next, Brian Moses brings up Sam Brilhart first to the stage, who is wearing a full on mechanic’s costume complete with a dirty blonde mullet wig. Sam doesn’t really have a chance to explain this decision for costume choice, other than the love of the show. Saul Trujillo is brought up next and asked the question, “Why are you battling Sam?”. Saul says, “I wanted to take the mullet back and give it to the Mexicans.” The crowd isn’t exactly on board with his pre-battle joke, but they’re hopeful and excited to get started. Sam explains that he is battling Saul because, “Saul is an excellent comic. He’s going to be big. I just wanted to take a shot at him before he got bigger and had a heart attack.” Now they’re really ready for this battle to begin. Saul goes first.
“Sam looks like he calls Code Red Mountain Dew ‘Trailer Park Kombucha’.”
“Saul looks like he goes to Demolition Derbies to flash the drivers.”
“Sam looks like an undercover cop ready to sell drugs to the first group of black people he sees.”
“Saul chooses 7-11 hot dogs the way rich people choose live lobsters.”
“Sam looks like he tries to buy pussy with Marlboro milds.”
“They’re redeemable anywhere, baby! Behind his mullet, Saul is hosting a family of birds in his neck fat.”
The live lobster joke was for sure the star of the battle. The firing squad agrees as they throw some punches.
“This battle was a lot better than I thought it would be. It’s like the guy dressed as a plumber versus the thing he pulled out of the drain.” – Jeff Ross
“You look like you listen to System of a Down Syndrome.” – Josh Adam Meyers
The audience quickly gives the win to Sam Brilhart as Brian Moses reminds everyone to get their kids vaccinated. Next, he calls Russell Ells and Ryan Nesen to the stage and asks them why they are battling. Russell keeps it simple when he says, “it was set up by Pat Barker.” Ryan goes for the strategy of tossing in an extra joke before the battle and says, “It’s the perfect holiday roast right here. Russell is shaped like a snowman and has the face of an ugly sweater. “ Russell goes first.
“So, this guy is a douchebag, right? In the club, he used to pick up on girls with a fake Australian accent.. And when that didn’t work, he used to take them outback and rape them.”
“Good one, Neck Jonas. Russ looks like his favorite sex position is spooning….. ice cream into his mouth when he watches porn.”
“Ice cream is delicious. Ryan is a Jewish boxer. But he’s terrible. Don’t watch him fight unless you like watching a Jew get gassed.”
“I was expecting a jew joke, considering all the SSs you hide in your lisp.”
“That was a hard punch, Kike Tyson.”
“Thank you very much, Diabetic Dan Bilzerian.”
“You’re welcome, Gay Romano.”
“Give it up for Game of Throats over here.”
“Russ used to surf. Now the only time he hangs loose is when he forgets to wear a bra.”
“Ryan has hated surfing ever since he heard hanging ten has nothing to do with black people. Ryan’s dad died and right afterwards he got a DUI, so it wasn’t just the mortician who was cracking open a cold one.”
“My dad died of cancer, and Russell is a lot like my dads cancer. People are shocked and horrified to find him inside him too.”
“Russ told me he once hooked up with 6 girls in one night. And I wrote a great joke about it. But I can’t be a party to his lies.”
“Speaking of orgies, how come you played basketball when your girlfriend is the one who gets double teamed?”
“As a kid, Russ used to help his dad fix cars. That’s why he’s so comfortable on his back covered in tranny fluid……… I’m sorry, trans fluid.”
Jeff Ross pretty much nails the battle when he says there were “more rebuttals than jokes.” It was an excellent battle and both battlers were absolutely relentless. The judges and the crowd unanimously give the win to Ryan. Their performance gives the show just the momentum it needs as Moses ushers the crowd into the first main event battle of the night.
Heather Marulli comes roaring onto the stage first.
Lou comes out shaking the hands of the women in the front row and approaches the Periscope. As if the Periscope were his personal hand mirror, he straightens his tie and adjusts his eyebrow with overwhelming confidence. He is holding a martini but he drops a little bit of it. “I’ve had a few,” he says, making Moses laugh.
Moses asks Heather and Lou why they are battling.
“I just wanted to battle someone that gets mistaken for a man less than I do.”
“She’s one of these threes that thinks she’s a nine and I’m sick of this shit. You ugly people have gotten way too confident in the past years and I’m here to put you back in your disgusting places.”
“We’re all going to get cancelled here.” – Moses
Lou now puts his hands up like he’s done nothing wrong and says, “what?”.
Moses asks them who is going first, and Lou remarks, “I have two women waiting at my penthouse. I’ll go. Let’s get this over with.” Heather obliges by saying, “ladies first.”
“Heather is actually sort of a ‘comedy god’ because only idiots believe in her.”
“Lou, you’re such Italian trash that you look like your cum tastes like Genoa salami and white claw.”
“Alright Shrek, I’ll give you that. Heahter has been in therapy for nineteen but has clearly still has no idea what the word ‘shrink’ means.”
“Lou, you want to talk about looks. That suit makes you look like a used pussy salesman.”
Lou tries to interject now, but Heather remarks, “I’m not done.”
“Are you at the buffet?”
“No, I’m not at the buffet. Lou likes his women like he likes his cocaine – white, sliced up with razors, and sold to him by Colombians.”
Lou now takes headshots out of his suit pocket and starts signing them and handing them to audience members. This prompts a “Lou” chant from the audience. He comes back to the stage, picks up his microphone, and proceeds.
“Heather, those are called headshots. I bet if they were cumshots, you’d know what they were.”
“That’s true. Honestly, whatever. I love cum.”
This prompts Josh to start a “she loves cum” chant, which the audience joins in with.
“Lou told me he’ll get drunk anyway he can, which is why he likes his martinis up – his ass after he dips them in tampons.”
“Heather, this battle is a lot like your hair. You’re losing it. Heather’s hair is so thin, it looks like the therapy she’s going through is chemo.”
“No, don’t say it” – Jeff Ross.
“Lou and I are both Sicilian – my uncle was a mob boss who ran heroin into the country, and Lou’s sister died from an overdose, which means this is the second time my family is killing a Misiano.”
“Good one, Mrs. Buttersworth-less.”
“I’ve heard that one. Lou is–”
“Don’t cut me off. I’m not your circulation, you fat bitch.”
This prompts yet another “Lou” chant from the audience.
“You all have fantastic taste. I’m very impressed.” – Lou
“Is it my turn or what?” – Heather
“I guess so. Are you going to be funny?” – Lou
“Shut up. Lou is a part-time waiter who drinks and does coke, which means the only thing that works less than him is his dick.”
“Heather is a lot like a Jew. She’s loud, she’s cheap, and I wish she was dead.”
Saudi Prince lets out his yell.
This was, without a doubt, a battle for the history books. Heather put up a great fight, but Lou was relentless, and did not let up until Heather was in a body bag. If there was any skepticism before, there is no doubt that that douche in the suit knows how to bring it. The judges unanimously give it to Lou, except for Katie O’Brien, who says, “You went through the audience signing your headshots dressed like a general manager of a Carrabba’s you psycho. Lou, I think you had the audience on your side, but I thought it was repetitive. A lot of your jokes were about Heather’s appearance and I thought Heather had a little bit more original jokes with more variety and originality.”
Brian effortlessly moves the crowd until the final battle of the night, and they follow him like baby ducks. He brings up Joe Eurell first, but Coach Tea is missed here as the time it takes for him to get there is a tad uncomfortable for this crowd. Toby Muresianu is brought up next to the stage. These are two such incredibly battlers, but the energy is not where it should be in the room. To top it all off, Joe’s microphone is a little too low for the audience to hear as he explains why he is battling Toby.
“Toby is an unstoppable force, and I’m an obstacle that can’t move.” – Joe
“Joe just loves battling so much, you know? He gives it two thumbs sideways.” – Toby
Toby goes first.
“Watching Joe is like watching the special olympics. Except those are hilarious.
“Toby hates conspiracy theories, but his personality is why people don’t trust vaccines.”
Joe is from the South. He never fucked his sister but clearly his dad did.
Thank you Kike-al Cera.
Thank you Donald Trump’s impersonation of a disabled person
That’s true. Toby looks like he starts every sentence with the words, “well, actually.”
“Well, actually. Joe has a certificate that says he’s retarded. It’s a bachelor’s degree from Long Beach state.”
“Toby and I both have trouble with eye contact. Me because I’m low to the ground and Toby because he’s retarded.”
Joe’s parents were physically and verbally abusive. Hey, at least they’ve tried everything.
“Go back to boarding school bitch. You know, Toby’s rich family pay a lot of taxes. So, we’re both living off their money.”
“I don’t know why you do rebuttals. You’re not good on your feet.”
“Toby looks like he gives Ted Talks on the marital benefits of being cucked.”
“Joe’s foster parents adopted fifty abused kids. Not on purpose. They just won Storage Wars.”
“This really isn’t fair. Toby’s part of a group that controls everything in comedy. I’m talking about boring white men.”
It’s time for the firing squad to weigh in. Clayton and Katie give it to Joe, but Josh wants to hear one more joke. This is a high stakes battle for Roast Battle super fans. Jeff Ross knows this, and gives permission to take this puppy into Overtime. Joe goes first.
“Toby is so Jewish that whether he kills or bombs on stage, four Palestinian children die every time.”
“Joe, I don’t know who has worse delivery, you or the doctor that cut off oxygen to your brain.”
Joe explains why this joke is scientifically inaccurate, because he actually got “a surplus of oxygen, so get your facts straight.”
Joe did a fantastic job as usual, but the firing squad unanimously gives it to Toby. This solidifies Toby’s greatness in Roast Battle, and yet again is what he needed to rise back up in the ranks.
There you have it, folks. This show is still one of the greatest you can see in Los Angeles if you are fighting for the “free speech” side of the “Comedy Civil War”. We also learned just how lucky we are to have Coach Tea in the back week after week. See you in 2020, perverts.