Hey, it’s the second night of The Texas Tournament Preliminaries! Without the aid of Coach Tea, the room manages to feel a little empty although it is packed to the brim. The “battle” chant begins as Guam Felix, Annie Lederman, Stephanie Simbari, Jeff Ross, and John Mayer take their seats at the judge’s panel. Brian Moses gives everyone the positive push they need as the audience, the judges, and the battlers gear up for a great night. Just like that, the first battle begins.
Brian introduces Austin Nasso and Easton Gage, two presumably heterosexual white males that look like the exact same Joe Rogan Podcast fan. This fact alone starts an “Austin, Easton” chant in the crowd. Easton volunteers to go first.
“So, Austin started a podcast recently. It’s called The Working Comic. You find out he’s full of shit because he’s not a working comic.”
“Easton writes for the Tom and Jerry show. The show beloved by millions and watched by nobody. His parents must be very proud of him. 40 years ago.”
“I loved your eyebrows in American Pie. They were great. Austin is like a tribal tattoo: a waste of space, very hard to look at, and you’re never going to see him on a woman’s vagina.”
This fact needed to be checked.. And who better than John Mayer to do that? “So far, zero tribal tattoos.”
The crowd loves Mayer’s input.
“Those were pretty good jokes from a P90 x instructor from Seattle. As you can see, he does stand up paddle boarding. He’s jacked. He’s powerful underneath.”
“Thank you. Austin works for Microsoft. Now, this is great because that’s also his girlfriend’s nickname for his penis.”
“Thank you, frat guy if the only thing you slammed was poetry.”
The wave now comes up and snaps. Something tells me these guys actually attend poetry slams.
“Easton recently got his 23andMe back. As it turns out, he actually comes from a very long line of cocaine.”
As this is the first battle, it’s way more fun for the judges to just sort of poke fun at these guys and have some fun amongst themselves.
“There’s a lot of gay tension between these guys.” – Guam Felix.
“John Mayer is here. Let’s get gay.” – Annie Lederman
“People think I am so straight, I could suck a dick a week for a year and it wouldn’t change people’s minds.”- John Mayer
“This was just a fraction above terrible.” – Jeff Ross
The audience gives it to Easton, and then Annie asks, “Can Easton take his shirt off and can Josh put his on?”
So, everyone plays along. Austin and Easton take their shirts off. Moses lines up the very shirtless Austin, Easton, and Josh to play a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. According to crowd applause ran by Moses, the audience decides to fuck Easton, kill Austin, and marry Josh. Anything can happen at Roast Battle, dear readers.
Moses continues on and brings up the next battler: Stephanie Wain.
Since Coach Tea is absent, John Mayer decides to step it up and DJ. He begins playing “Enter Sandman” by Metallica off of his phone into his microphone. Moses asks Steph why she is battling Alice Hamilton and she said “sex. She said that she wanted to have sex after the show. Either way, we’re both going to lose.” The only thing to do now is bring Alice Hamilton up to the stage. She comes up rocking a sparkly blue athletic jacket. The judges can’t resist.
“I was wondering what Cher would wear if she coached a softball team.” – Jeff Ross
“It looks like you’re wearing a jacket that Michael Jackson let your brother pick out.” – John Mayer
Stephanie goes first.
“Alice was once so republican she got retweeted by Ann Coulter. It’s just so gross how white people always support each other.”
“Thank you, Ellen DeJustin Bieber. Stephanie is a lot like Garfield. She’s covered in hair and her breath smells like fancy feast.”
“You’re just pissed that you look like a gender neutral Lionel Richie.”
John Mayer begins singing.
“Alice was once so aethist that — uh uh.. Fuck me.. UGH!“
Stephanie now fumbles her joke. It is every battler’s worst nightmare. Our kryptonite. Forgetting the joke. The support from the room is overwhelming.
Alice tries to help out. “You got this.”
“Just look at her. You’ll remember it.”- Jeff Ross
“She’s black.”- Annie Lederman
Now, she remembers.
“Ok, it’s 2019, and Alice still wears black face like it’s appropriate.”
“Stephanie’s stand up is a lot like the thrift store she buys all her clothes from. It’s just a bunch of bullshit better lesbians stopped using decades ago.”
“Ok, Alice Miss Too White to be cast in Hamilton.”
The crowd reacts.
“Alice is a devout Christian turned Atheist which is ironic because according to her comedy career, God doesn’t believe in her either.”
“Stephanie’s ex boyfriend knew she was a lesbian before she did. He figured it out when she kept trying to push back his foreskin and eat out his dick hole.”
“Just nice to see women supporting each other.” – Stephanie Simbari
“Shut up, bitch, you’re not on the show.”- Annie Lederman
Regardless of Stephanie’s fumble, it was a decent undercard from two charming and evenly matched players. The audience makes it louder for Stephanie and she walks out with her first win.
Brian Moses brings up the next battler. “Jonathan Greer”. Nobody comes to the stage. He quickly corrects himself. “His name is Joseph Thorne.” This starts another crowd chant: “his name is Joseph Thorne!”. Moses brings up Robyn Blake next and compares their overall look to Jon B. Robyn volunteers to go first.
“So, as I said, Joseph and I have a lot in common. I’m probably a man. He’s probably autistic.”
“Robyn and I have a lot in common. We’re both on the hunt for dick, but we have different taste. I like it big, black, and stuffed up my ass. She likes it soft, ergonomic, and stuffed in the pouch of her boxer briefs.”
Moses now comes up behind Joseph and bends him over. The crowd goes wild. The best part of this was the nonchalant nature of Moses just saying “shiiiiitt” before he did it. Then, Jeremiah comes near Robyn, fuck stick first, to act out the rest of the joke.
“Joseph, are you okay? Did you test positive for Freddie Mercury poisoning?”
“When I wake up in the morning, I check the weather report, the Dow Jones industrial average, and Robyn’s current pronouns.”
“Joseph is the most boring gay I know. He’s too much of a wet blanket to ever be a flaming homo.”
“They say when your child comes out as another gender: you lose the child of one gender but gain a child of another. If that’s true, Robyn’s parents have more dead children than an anti vaxxer mormon family.”
“You look like you shop in the Hot Topic section of Out of the Closet.”
“Harvey Milk died for nothing.” – Guam Felix
Robyn wins and then John Mayer appropriately begins a sing-along of “We are the champions.” Josh goes in for another “battle” chant.
Moses moves the night along and brings up “Ram-Paige” Wesley. She was supposed to battle Sarah, but the Tournament happened so she found Billy Anderson, who Brian now brings up. He asks Billy why he’s battling Paige and he says “because she asked me to.” Moses jokes, “You guys are bad at this.” The battle begins.
“Billy looks like a goat that wished to be a real boy.”
“That was a strong start, Taylor Not-So-Swift.”
“You’re welcome, Carrot Bottom.”
This is the first huge pop of the night.
“I’m happy to be battling Paige. She puts a lot of attention to her looks. She has great hair and a face that says ‘It just gets worse from here’.”
“I might be fat, but Billy and I have both described foods as magically delicious. Billy, you’re the stoner that hides your pot at the end of a rainbow.”
“That actually kind of hurt my feelings, Rebel Wilson’s stunt double. Her name is Paige, but based on her size, she’s really more of a chapter.”
“I’m fat but you look like your SPF is higher than your IQ.”
“It’s ridiculous that you attack my health when the only thing more irregular than your period is your insulin levels.”
“Billy is so creepy, he’s no longer welcome at the Seattle comedy scene. How does it feel to be too creepy for Ted Bundy’s hometown?”
“I don’t know where that comes from, but I’m pretty sure the only time you’ve ever said ‘Me too’ is when someone said they were having seconds. Paige is actually getting married, and she said her fiance makes her weak in the knees, which is very dangerous with how weak her ankles already are.”
“Billy would know. He lost 100 pounds. He got tired of people calling him St. Fatrick.”
“That was as sharp as your jawline.”
“So, somebody broke into Billy’s car and stole 97 copies of his album. I guess sometimes meth heads also need coasters.”
“You wouldn’t understand. We’re at different parts of our career. Like, I’m doing cruise ships and yet still I’m here whale watching.”
With the note being that Billy mostly just went for jokes that poked fun at Paige’s weight, the judges unanimously gave it to Paige. Billy had fantastic jokes, but it’s another win for Paige Wesley.
Now, for the Tournament matches! Moses brings up Greg Roque first, and John Mayer continues his Queen sing-alongs with “We Will Rock You”. Moses brings up Sarah Keller next and she says “Greg is lucky, win or lose he’s getting carried out of here on someone’s shoulders.” Greg volunteers to go first.
“Sarah looks like she lives in a Trailer Park, which makes sense because her forehead is a double wide.”
“Greg looks like the guys that try to buy photos of my feet on Instagram.”
“I’m just jealous. You have nice feet.”
“Yeah, they work. These boots are made for walkin.”
“These wheels are made for rollin’. I’m going to roll all over you. Sarah’s ex boyfriend was busted for making child porn. Police say it contained some of the most graphic images they had ever seen… and that was just Sarah’s acting.”
“Greg’s girlfriend is a physical therapist, talk about bringing your work home with you.”
“Sarah’s dad is a drug addict that loves downer. The only downer he doesn’t love is Sarah.”
“Greg’s dad was a janitor, I guess Greg can’t read ‘Caution: Slippery when wet’.”
“Sarah was molested by an abusive alcoholic and tried to overdose by swallowing Tylenol. It’s a shame that after all that abuse, your molester didn’t teach you how to swallow.”
“Greg looks like he uses being in a wheelchair as an excuse to not brush his teeth.”
“I have a great insurance plan. It comes with dental and everything. This is a true story: Sarah tried to kill herself by throwing a rock in the air and standing underneath it. So, let me set the record straight: I’m disabled. Sarah is fucking retarded.”
“Greg’s girlfriend was originally attracted to his online profile, it said he had a great set of wheels.”
“That joke just got my tires flat.”
With a similar note to Billy, the judges didn’t like that Sarah just mostly went after wheelchair jokes. Unanimously, Greg Roque wins.
Brian Moses takes a moment to remember Brody Stevens, who recently passed away. It’s a tragedy that we all feel affected by. He was a friend to everyone he met, and part of the Comedy Store family. Moses tells the story about how “Brody is the reason Roast Battle exists.” If it wasn’t for Brody, Jeff Ross never would have checked out Roast Battle. He would have moved back to New York. It’s a sad, meaningful, and important moment in Roast Battle history. And right before the last battle of the night!
Moses brings up Nicole Becannon and Doug Fager to the stage for the last battle of the night. Doug goes first.
“Sorry, I have to wrap this up. I heard Ed Sheeran is at the Laugh Factory. Nicole is so flat, her boyfriend has to titty fuck her shoulder blades.”
“Doug looks like an ax murderer. Like, he would suffocate you with Axe body spray.”
“Nicole thinks she’s unattractive, but I don’t. Unless we’re talking about looks. In which case, totally.”
“Wow, an ugly joke. You know Doug is an alcoholic because he can’t resist a cheap shot. Doug actually, there was a time where he lived in his car for five months… because he didn’t want to drive home drunk.”
“Nicole once tried to overdose on pills. I don’t know what she took but I know they weren’t diet pills.”
“One of them was a detox pill. Don’t do that. It just makes you shit all of it out. Doug, why do I feel like your first words were probably telling a woman she should smile more?”
“I mean, not you. Have you seen your smile? At 22, Nicole lost her virginity on an air mattress to a heroin addict. Now, that may not have been a rock bottom for Nicole. But it definitely was for air mattresses.”
“Doug is a terrible comedian and his brother is homeless. It’s really a toss up over who America cares about less.”
“Suicide is a touchy subject at The Comedy Store after the death of Brody Stevens. Nicole herself has tried to commit suicide and thinks about it often. Nicole, I just hope that the next time you think about killing yourself, you PUSH AND BELIEVE!”
“Oh, man. So, this is a fact. Doug’s brother’s tombstone has a typo on it. I know, I know. I mean, Doug, look at the bright side: at least now your career isn’t the only grave mistake.”
“At least my brother can do accidentally what you tried to do on purpose: die.”
Nicole and Doug tell each other they love each other and hug before the judges even decide. However, the judges are all in agreement that Nicole wins. So, Greg Roque and Nicole Becannon move on in this all star Tournament, having to battle each other next. It will be interesting to see what happens. That wraps up another night of Roast Battle! See ya Tuesday, weirdos.