What a night. Tourney couldn’t have a better start, the weather made it so we’re not all sweating our shirts off by the end of the night and Meyrowitz cleared a six-inch jump for the first time ever. We also have a fun new voting site for the tournament! Vote as much as you want for who you think will win! I’ll update the results before the next preview! As far as records are concerned, if you see a (1-0, RBR), that reflects their record in tournament play. Alright, just a few more Troy Conrad beauties and then we’re off!
Oh, you know. Just…everybody.
I’d say the five-second rule applied to the cookies but Keith didn’t leave them on the floor for that long.
The first undercard had Kenny Lion (2-0, 91) overcoming Michael Monsour (1-1, 106)!
This battle was a mess. We don’t have pics of it and that’s probably for the best. here’s one of a Sklar creepily staring into camera. Monsour started it off with a monologue about meeting Kenny. Kenny started with a live read about the Show Up Go Up open mic, Sundays in the Belly Room. MIchael, unfortunately, followed up his impeccable debut with the dud of all duds. Love the guy but he seemed cartoonish and even had a mega-bomb. He messed up and looked like a lost kitten for about three full minutes. He had jokes that looked good on paper but had zero pop when delivered.
MICHAEL ON KENNY
“Yo, Kenny, you’re so fucking crazy, if you had a spirit animal, it would be bath salts.”
“You look like Bruce Lee with Down’s Syndrome.”
He looked defeated after his bomb. Kenny’s jokes either made fun of himself or advertised the open mic he works for. Say what you want about his roasting ability but Kenny will get whatever word out you need him too. His jokes were…there.
KENNY ON MICHAEL
“Michael wants to be a Vine star. Six seconds of his comedy is worse than six inches from my brother.”
“I could give a fuck about this show. Suck my dick, Michael. SUCK MY DICK, Michael. ‘Show Up Go Up’ open mic, Sunday nights in the Belly Room.”
? / ? ? ? and it BARELY gets that one.
The next undercard found Izzy Salhani (2-0, 51) victorious over Vanessa Gritton (0-1, 115)!
“I’m a very, very big fan of Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.” – Saudi prince about Izzy.
Oh, thank you so much for picking up the last battle’s slack. At least, until the joke-off. Both battlers were great. They each had some dull moments but their energy and overall joke quality was enough to keep the room hot. Izzy had the biggest pop though with, surprise, a joke involving Vanessa’s race.
IZZY ON VANESSA
“Vanessa does a lot of coke. Clearly, it’s not Diet Coke.”
“Vanessa is Syrian and South American, which explains her hairy, wet, back.”
The second joke was the joke of the round and got everyone on their feet. You’ll know you just told a banger of a roast joke when the Wave gets up and Coach Tea starts dropping. Vanessa had fine jokes but started a few while the audience was still reacting to Izzy. She may have had more pop in her punch if she waited for silence before her next setup.
VANESSA ON IZZY
“You’re what happens when a molestation doll wishes to be a real boy.”
“Izzy’s a bisexual comic, which makes her a perfect contender for the new Netflix series, ‘Orange is the New Hack’.”
EDIT: Someone brought to my attention my initial review was incorrect. I thought it ended super close and could have gone either way. Upon listening to the recording again it was as close as it could be and ended in a draw!
? ? / ? ? ?! Could have been ? ? ? but the last round was ?.
And in one of my favorite battles in quite some time, Doug Fager (1-0, RBR) eliminated Jerron Horton (0-1, RBR)!
Holy hot shit damn fuck This was an all-timer. Not only because of the battle itself, but everything that transpired before and after. First, Earl Skakel (2-1, 25) decided to lay down a few of the burns he had prepared for Olivia Grace (4-1, 7).
EARL ON OLIVIA
“As many people know, I was supposed to roast Olivia tonight. I had to drop her off at Gymboree.”
“Olivia’s breath is so bad, she smells like she brushes her teeth with her pussy.”
“I love Olivia. She’s awesome. She comes from a broken family…she sat on them.”
Someone from the crowd declared we call Olivia so she could defend herself but Moses and the Saudi prince were having none of it.
SP ON GIRL IN CROWD
“Why is a women talking in a room full of men?”
“Why is no one putting a pregnant in her?”
“Suck my hairy dick.”
Hey, it’s a character right? I’m
not sure Sina Amedson (3-4, 42) doesn’t really feel that way. That was all BEFORE the battle. Both battlers had an opening zing. It can be risky to try a joke in the intros but these two showed how to do it to perfection, with Doug going first.
“Jerron didn’t have a dad growing up so I wanted to give him one of those beatings me missed out on.”
Jerron then had someone walk him out and that someone has a special memory with Doug.
“The last time a Jew in this town gave Doug a shot, is when he got punched in the face by Mike Faverman. I just wanted to remind him, his career is over.”
You might think that’d throw Doug off but nah. Flamethrower Doug rose from the ashes. We’ve seen him do this before against Leah Kayajanian (0-0, RBR) and Josh Waldron (2-2, 32). #wahhh. We should have known. We didn’t listen.
DOUG ON JERRON
“Jerron’s not like most black comics. He’s not energetic, he’s not funny and he’s not black.”
“Jerron got his start in the entertainment industry by using his forehead in a drive-in theater.”
“Jerron, your head is so fucking big, that your snapback hats use a belt.”
“If Dr. Seuss wrote a book about Jerron Horton’s childhood. it’d be called ‘Horton’s Father is Who?’”
That last joke prompted one of the Sklars to suggest the story of Jerron’s mom would be “The Whorax”.?. The last joke was also a bit of a callback to his intro joke, which is a brilliant strategy if you can pull it off. Jerron put up fight though. Vanessa needs to learn from him and wave off the crowd after each joke.
JERRON ON DOUG
“Doug quit comedy to do improv. Now all he hears is ‘Yes and…you’re still not funny.’”
“Doug’s an improver that sleeps in his car. This is the second city he’s lived in today.”
“Doug isn’t a complete loser, he has over fifteen credits…from a community college.”
“Doug’s a creepy hipster. He’s been date raping women since before it was cool.”
One of the hottest moments in battle history took place after Doug was named winner. I normally wouldn’t recommend trying to zing a judge but Doug got one off against Ashley Barnhill (6-1, 10) and lit the room on fire. Jamar Neighbors (2-2, 19) led 7-10 comedians came out of nowhere to dance with everyone stage to this song. #thatshowyouroastbattle
And Doug moves on to the next round…
? ? ? ? / ? ? ?! That’s right! Broke the scale!
In the second tourney undercard, Stuart Thompson (0-1, RBR) was ousted by Keith Carey (1-0, RBR)!
Wow, Keith looks like the fattest marionette ever here. Good win, buddy! He needed that water to hyrdate after the fight and to wash down the half a box of cookies he was fed throughout the match. His jokes were funny and original and included one I was stunned I’d never heard in my nine months covering the show.
KEITH ON STU
“Stuart Thompson works at The Comedy Store but his material…doesn’t.”
“I may be bisexual but Stuart goes to glory holes and gives guys Radiohead.”
“It’s true, I am very fat. The only thing Stuart and I have in common is that we both ruin potlucks.”
“Stuart went skydiving once. How does it feel to know it takes 200$, a coach and an airplane to make you interesting for five minutes?”
Even the Sklars said that first joke was one of the best they’d heard in their many trips to the judge’s table. Stuart was great and it sucks that one of these guys had to go home early.
STUART ON KEITH
“Keith is actually a great guy. He’s stuck his neck out for so many people, he doesn’t have on anymore.”
“Keith is bisexual which means he’s everything inside him except the love of a father.”
“Keith is trisexual, if you count the erection he gets around bacon.”
“Keith grew up in a rock and roll family. His mom smoked rock and he’s made of dinner rolls.”
And Keith moves on to the next round…
? ? ? / ? ? ?! Almost ? ? ? ? but I only got like five of those cookies.
The Main Event was three rounds of meh, as John Mitchell (2-1, 57) fell to Brendan Cooney(2-1, 45)!
It was gonna be tough to follow the last two battles, as they consisted of four of the best sixteen roasters we have. Maybe these two weren’t ready for a Main? It is fifteen jokes and as Moses has to remind us sometimes…this isn’t easy.
BRENDAN ON JOHN
John’s a screenwriter. He’s working on a movie about his life. The working title is ‘Boring Faggot’.”
“John was never raped in prison but he told me he “put out” a lot.
“As a white guy, I’ve experience ‘white guilt’. But it wasn’t until seeing John’s standup act that I experienced ‘white shame’.”
“Before the battle, I typed in ‘John Mitchell Comedian’ into Google and Google asked ‘Did you mean John Mitchell Boring Faggot?’”
Brendan’s jokes were good but his energy left the Sklars wondering if he died after his first joke. John had a few pops but didn’t put up much of a fight.
JOHN ON BRENDAN
“You really are a cracker. You look like a mass shooter and your last name has the word ‘coon’ in it. You’re the reason black churches have to hire extra security.”
“Brendan you lost you last roast to Pedro Salinas. I haven’t seen someone whipped that bad by a Jew since Jesus Christ.”
“Brendan, you look like all the side effects you wouldn’t want from Rogaine.”
“Brendan, you’re a great writer but could never be on TV. You couldn’t even be in front of the camera if you were in an ISIS beheading video.”
Hey, it’s not easy. It’s fifteen jokes. Sometimes you only land four. Still good dudes and fine comedians. Hope to see you in the ring again soon!
? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“If Dr. Seuss wrote a book about Jerron Horton’s childhood. it’d be called ‘Horton’s Father is Who?’” – Doug on Jerron
Doug may be the first two-time winner of the WJOTN.
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Stuart Thompson works at The Comedy Store but his material…doesn’t.” – Keith on Stuart
I am 60-40 in picks and my tourney bracket is already busted. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.