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by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

In honor of the holidays, we had a Roast Battle Marathon spectacular. We have 10, that’s right, 10 battles to recap today.

First up, Tom Whalen is a hard pill to swallow for Jimmy Rodgers. Tom comes out with a ton of energy. He recruited every black man he knows to run onstage with him and dance around. Moses asks him for some info about himself and he complies:

“Shit, I went to college for opera, I’m a blackbelt in judo…” – Tom Whalen

“Apparently, we’re listening to his fake Tinder profile.” – Jason Sklar

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He then is prompted and sings a bit of opera beautifully. Nobody can say there’s never been culture in the Belly Room. Tom is nothing if not entertaining. Jimmy Rogers comes to the stage.

“I don’t know if I can top that.” – Jimmy

“Oh, I’m sure you can top it.” – Earl

Tom steps up first:

“Guys, I love Jimmy. Everybody always says how positive Jimmy is, including his doctor.”

“If Rosie O’Donnell and Chris Farley were to fuck and have a baby with a touch of Downs, Tom Whalen everybody!”

“He always finds a way to bring up Rosie O’Donnel, this gay guy. You know Jimmy got fat by swallowing too much jizz, ya know? He has so many dead babies in his stomach the call him St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.”

Jimmy takes one on the chin, and Haiti comes out to spit up some yogurt for a classic cum in the mouth spit-take.

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“That was really cute. Y’know, Tom actually recently lost some weight, I’ve gained some weight. The only difference is that I can at least still see my dick.”

Somebody in the crowd yells out, “No you can’t!” and gets a bigger laugh than Jimmy gets his entire time onstage.

“You know, some people call Jimmy a bear and some people call Jimmy a badger, but his dad just calls him a faggot.”

“I’m a little gay, I do suck a lot of dick. However, Tom, you are the faggot.”

The room gives this nothing, but a few confused murmurs. Tom could’ve let Jimmy go out on that awkward note and taken the win here, but instead he decides to add a bomb of his own.

“Jimmy, you’re confusing to me. For somebody who’s gotten that many facials, how do you have such bad skin?”

Jimmy is given a chance to fire back.

“I’m not really sure if Tom is, even is ga-uh-straight, however umm…”

“You try talking with cum in your mouth.” – Earl Skakel

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Tom takes the win and the marathon rolls on. Next we have open mic host Ron Swallow taking on former pornstar Drew Marks. Ron approaches the stage wrapped in his signature green lantern jacket. Moses asks why he’s battling Drew.

“He’s a Jew and I’m German, so I like winning.” – Ron Swallow

Drew Marks joins Ron onstage, and Moses asks for some personal information:

“I know Ron’s probably gonna touch on during the show, but in my younger years I worked in porn for 6 years.” – Drew Marks

The Wave starts a chant that catches on.

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“Show us your dick! Show us your dick!”

“I’m not doing that. I got my friends here.” – Drew Marks

“Yeah, you don’t want to do anything that would embarrass you.” – Earl Skakel

Drew agrees to go first.

“Ron grew up in trailer park and became a professional roller blader. It was his way out… of appealing to women.”

“Drew, you look like Obama in white face.”

Drew gets a little pop, but Ron’s first joke falls flat.

“When he was a kid, Ron’s father used to take him camping for weeks at a time. That’s how long it took Ron to find his way back home.”

“Drew lost his virginity to two girls. Don’t worry, they were both dead.”

Even though he has a hacky joke, Drew hits with the crowd. Ron line hits big.

“Ron’s last name is Swallow. If his mother had taken that to heart, open mic nights would be 7 minutes shorter.”

“Drew did porn where he abused women. It was just him making them watch him do stand-up.”

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With approval from the crowd, Ron takes the win. We move on to a match between veteran Steven Alan Green and Hana Michels. Hana comes onstage sheepishly, clutching her telephone shaped handbag. Steven comes out swinging, but nobody is sure what to make of Hana.

“You look like me if I jerked off more and did meth.” – Steven Alan Green

“I look like you if I just gave up.” – Earl Skakel

“Hana’s dad is a therapist. Was OJ’s therapist until the murders, but he still considers Hana his biggest failure.”

“Steven looks like Robin Williams must’ve felt.”

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Hana’s joke busts the room wide open. Jeremiah comes up and rhythmically humps Steven. He puts his head down in shame. Nobody’s sure if he’s ashamed of Jeremiah’s antics or of his own last joke.

“Hana suffers from anxiety and depression, which can be contagious if you don’t use a condom.”

Steven Alan Green stares into the audience and time stands still enough that we see the wormhole leading to the parallel netherworld that Donald Trump was summoned from and we all collectively realize that we live in a hopeless, vapid void that’s filled with eminent death and chaotic destruction.

“Steven’s always bragging about the celebrities he’s had in his home, but I’m pretty sure he’s referring to his Uber passengers.”

Hana’s second joke also gets a good reaction from the crowd, and Steven takes off his glasses like he’s about to do some damage.

“Hana used to do a lot of open mics, now she just does an open anybody.”

This falls completely flat, and Josh Meyrowitz yells out what we’re all thinking: “Finish him!”

“Steven Alan Green’s initials are S-A-G because that’s the only way he can get the word SAG on a card.”

“I love this battle. I mean, what a great storyline: You wake up, you’re underneath his staircase, your hands are tied behind your back. You don’t know where you, what’s going on. You walk up the stairs. He- you know, this is a guy, we learned tonight, obviously doesn’t put anything together. Doesn’t prepare or put any real thought into anything. And you were able to not only escape, but beat him on a very popular live show.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

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This is one of the reasons I love Roast Battle. Based on looks alone, it seemed as if Steven Alan Green would demolish Hana, but it was the opposite. Hana takes it handily, and Steve Alan Green gets a hug he will masturbate to for weeks.

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Our next bout pits father against son as Zack Kennedy goes toe-to-toe with his baby boy, Logan Kennedy. Zack comes to the stage with the confidence of a much better looking man. He has long hair, beard, leather jacket and sunglasses flipped to the top of his head.

“This, by the way, will be the best episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter I’ve ever seen.” – Randy Sklar

Moses starts probing for information: “He raised you?”

“Kinda.” – Logan Kennedy

“How long has he been in you life?” – Brian Moses

“Since that episode of Maury Povich.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Cort McCown elects the father to go first and Zack gets things started.

“Logan’s living proof that two attractive people can still have an ugly fucking kid.”

“I’m just glad to be here. This is the first event we’ve had together that didn’t require child protective services.”

Zack’s joke gets the crowd going, and Logan delivers his joke with all the stage presence of an animator.

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“I never considered having Logan circumcised when he was born because it was obvious he needed all the help he could get.”

“He never did anything for me growing up. I used to beg him to take me to the zoo just so I could be one of those lucky boys who got drug away by a gorilla.”

So far we’ve seen Zack call his son ugly and say he has a small dick. Logan seems shy, but is holding his own.

“Logan’s always fucking my shit up when he was a kid. He ruined my comic book collection just like he ruined his mother’s vagina.”

“My childhood was so screwed up. The only “show and tell” that I got was “Tell us on the doll where he touched you and sh- show us on the doll where he touched you and tell us where he is.”

“You can do it, son.” – Zack Kennedy

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Zack gets a big laugh encouraging his son after he flubs his joke. Watching this battle was like watching Stage Moms of Anarchy. Zack takes the battle by audience decision.

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Coach Tea plays out the crutch-dependent Steve Lee to Unk’s “Walk It Out” and the crowd is already going crazy. Then the Snide Sniper takes aim on the Palsied Asian to blow the place apart.

“Those are the biggest motherfuckin’ chop sticks that I’ve ever seen.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Robin Tran, how many characters do you have?” – Brian Moses

Our next match up brings together chubby gay Anthony Desamito and handicap hero Steve Lee. Brian brings up Anthony and mentions that there are two more gay battlers still to cum. Earl Skakel starts a chant that catches on like a virus: “AIDS! AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!”

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“If he’s a gay guy, why does he look like every lesbian I’ve ever seen in my life?” – Jason Sklar

“She specifically requested no MS in her MSG.” – Randy Sklar

All the pre-show riffing has the crowd hyped to a peak and Anthony starts the battle.

“Some comics like to fucking crush on stage, Steve looks like he was crushed by a stage.”

“When Anthony was a baby, he was breast fed horchata.”

“Steve looks like Kim Jong Un had sex with Kim Jong Un.”

“Anthony just looks like Carlos Mencia ate Pablo Escobar.”

“Steve won’t say he has Muscular Dystrophy, but that’s because there’s too many R’s in the word.”

“Anthony is what AIDS looks like wrapped in bacon.”

Steve Lee gets a huge wave of laughter that turns into cheers for that last joke. Steve pretty much dominates the entire time.

“You have a future in battling, that is if you have any future whatsoever.” – Jason Sklar

“How’d you get the Chinese guy who stood in front of the tanks?” – Earl Skakel

“Steve, those are two of the best written jokes that anybody, I think, that’s battled has ever written…with their feet.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

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If this was a fist fight, Steve Lee would’ve died, but since it’s a battle of wits, Steve takes the battle by leaps and bounds.

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Next Erica Rhodes takes on Jason Pickar. I thought this battle would be better. Jason is mostly to blame for how bad it turned out. He does several things that are obnoxious. He tries to freestyle at the beginning of the battle and fails miserably. Then he went on to rap all his…I hesitate to call them jokes and I should’ve hesitated to call it rap. He attempts to rap his statements the entire battle. During Erica’s first joke he interrupts her. During his second joke Coach Tea starts playing Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” and the crowd responds enthusiastically. Jason thinks they are laughing and cheering for him and takes a cocky pose, arms raised to the sky. The crowd proudly proclaims what they are actually excited about by chanting “Coach Tea! Coach Tea! Coach Tea!” Jason looks more like he eats bag after bag of M&M’s. After Erica’s second joke, Jason says, “That was fucking terrible. You should be ashamed.” You shouldn’t criticize somebody for not being funny while you yourself are not being funny. Erica at least had actual jokes and not some weird new performance art. And I hate to say that, as it is an insult to performance artists. In his last joke, after shaming Erica, he just completely falls apart. It doesn’t rhyme nor have a punchline, and he expresses regret at the end of it, saying “I should’ve finished with the other joke.” He should’ve done any joke at any point during the battle. He interrupts Erica during her final joke in a truly idiotic display of how not to battle.

“I like your style, it was very Hacktion Bronson. Very Peanut Eminem. Very A$AP Rocky Road.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Keep going!” – Jamar Neighbors

“Two Chins.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Keep going!” – Jamar Neighbors

“Big Wayne.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Cheese Wiz Kalifa!” – Jamar Neighbors

“He’s like Old Saint Nicki Minaj.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Puffy.” – Brian Moses

He tries to come back at Hinchcliffe, and Tony just lets him bomb without reply. Brian Moses asks the crowd to cheer for Jason to decide the battle and they are absolutely silent. In an attempt to put himself out of his misery he just goes in for the hug, probably not the first physical contact he’s had with a woman without consent. Pat Barker is in the crowd and Brian throws it to him.

“Pat Barker loves battle rap. Did you like anything about that, Pat?” – Brian Moses

“I like that it’s over.” – Pat Barker

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Erica takes the win over one of the most reviled performances in the history of the Belly Room. They are offstage, and we are all excited to move on until Jason yells out from the back of the room.

“It’s gonna take him a while to get down the stairs with Steve Lee still halfway down.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

In our next battle, Julian Fernandez attempts to take down Dave Neal. This next is also really bad. This was the Roast Battle equivalent to that old Dan Severn/Ken Shamrock UFC fight where nobody makes any contact the entire time. There’s really not much of note that happened. The battle before may have contributed to the audience being less into it, but it was still bad on it’s own. With a polite smattering of applause, Dave Neal gets the win, but really, we are all losers for having witnessed it.

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With a tired room, Matt LeGrande looks capitalize on his momentum from his recent win as he takes on first-time battler Jared Goldstein. These two have their work cut out for them to try and resurrect this dead crowd. Matt kicks off with some energy, bumping and grinding to the jams provided by Coach Tea.

“Brian, you look so different than your Grindr picture.” – Matt LeGrande

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Brian brings up Jared and poses the oft-asked question: “Why are you battling?”

“I wanted to give Matt the chance to take somebody’s virginity without getting laughed at.” – Jared Goldstein

Matt steps forward to go first and gets the ball rolling.

“Jared, it’s great that you’re Japanese/Hawaiian. You’re well-acquainted with a long history of bombing in America.”

“Matt, you unfunny faggot. You look like the reason HIV tests are free.”

Matt’s first joke gets a mild reaction, but both the first and second part of Jared’s joke gets major love from the hungry crowd.

“Jared, you look like old Republican men pay you a lot of money to keep your pretty mouth shut.”

“In gay bars Matt’s nickname is Bath Mat because you can always find him on the floor of the men’s room with some guy’s dick dripping all over him.”

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Matt gets the Wave to come out for the first time in a long time. Jeremiah and Jamar come out and take big bites of raw broccoli. After Jared’s joke gets a good pop, Haiti comes up and collects the discarded vegetables.

“That’s funny, Jared’s actually a failed actor, although you may recognize him from his iconic profile on rentboy.com: Hiro-he/she-ma.”

“As a child, Matt was an Indonesian missionary, which is also what you call what his priest did to him.”

Jared makes an impressive debut, Matt shows up with some grit and the room is revived.

“I thought Timothy McGay had some good stuff. But I gotta give to Dean Cain with AIDS.” – Randy Sklar

Jared is proclaimed the victor by the crowd and judges alike.

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Next we have the Mayor of Burbank, Robbie Goodwin, taking on East Coast Indian, Anish Shah. Anish is brought up to some culturally appropriated music. And Brian asks why he’s battling Goodwin.

“You know I think when, uh… when Robbie comes up here, I think you you’ll see when most people think of Robbie, they see a bug-eyed Afghani retard. Which is not accurate guys, it’s not accurate because retards are funny.” – Anish Shah

“I am retarded, that’s true. I’m very retarded.” – Robbie Goodwin

A chant of “Special needs! Special needs!” rings out.

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“I love chanting.” – Robbie Goodwin

And the crowd starts the most meta chant ever:
“I love chanting! I love chanting! I love chanting!”

Robbie goes first:

“Anish may look like date rapist, but in his defense, he’s also a regular rapist.”

“Great joke, resting twitch face. When Robbie wants to take a decent picture he has to suck in his eyes.”

Both these guys have strong openings.

“Anish only joined CBS because he thought it stood for Chutney Buffet Sunday.”

“I mean, that would be delightful, first of all. I live in New York, and I will still say Robbie’s comedy is the worst thing that an Afghani has ever done to this country.”

Brian Moses leads the crowd in a chant: “9/11! 9/11! 9/11!” And Haiti comes out, arms spread, like a little kid pretending to be an airplane. This has the makings of a great battle.

“Anish, you look like Apu if he worked at Abercrombie & Fitch.”

“Dude, you’re talking about my looks. Your eyes are literally trying to break up with your face. Anyway-”

“Did your parents also arrange for your jokes to bomb?” – Robbie Goodwin

That interstitial comment gets the biggest reaction of the match.

“Who’s retarded now?” – Robbie Goodwin

“Robbie’s dad left, his stepdad left. Guys, he’s not bug-eyed, he’s just looking for a dad.”

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Joke for joke, they were about even, but Robbie definitely took it with his off-the-cuff comments and stage presence. Robbie has a lot of fun onstage and the crowd has fun watching him. Robbie wins again and goes onto have an impressive 5-0 record in Roast Battle.

In our final battle of this marathon, Kayla Rosenberg goes nose-to-nose with manchild Nat Baimel. Coach Tea brings up Kayla Rosenberg to Blind Melon’s “No Rain” making reference to the fact that she looks like the little girl in the bee costume in the popular 90’s music video. This prompts a sing-a-long that even Haiti joins in on.

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“Why do wanna battle Nat so badly?” – Brian Moses

“I don’t know, he doesn’t really have much going on.” – Kayla Rosenberg

“I can not wait to see what McGriddle Red Riding Hood has to say.” – Jason Sklar

Nat jumps on stage, Kayla volunteers to go first and the last battle of our Holiday Roast Battle Marathon Spectacular is underway.

“Nat looks like the kid Air Bud replaced.”

“Isn’t Kayla adorable, everybody? She looks like a Jew you’d put in an Easy Bake Oven.”

“Nat is so boring I forgot I was doing this… while I was doing this.”

“Kayla has a nose ring, does comedy and attempted suicide. It’s like her entire personality is “Will you notice me now, Dad?”

“Most Jews become a man at their Bar Mitvah. Nat became a man when he wished to be big on the Zoltar machine.”

“Alright, if I could be serious for a minute. There is nothing funny about sexual assault. Not even the fact that her’s happened in a gingerbread house.”

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After a great showing from both these competitors, I’d give the edge to Nat. However, all of the judges ask for one more joke. The crowd is happy to hear one more. Nat kicks off sudden death.

“Fun fact, everybody: We will have six more weeks of winter if Kayla burrows out of her hole and sees she’s still in Keith Carey’s shadow.”

“It’s such a big shadow.” – Anna Valenzuela

“It’s such a big nose, ya old bitch!” – Keith Carey on Anna’s big nose/age/bitchiness

“At least I’ve tasted success. Nat looks like he’d lead a bukkake circle at a Hebrew school lock-in.”

I Googled bukkake to check how to spell it and went down an internet rabbit hole I may never cum all the way back from. When it’s all said and done, both these battlers put on a fantastic show. These are two to watch in the future. After a too-close-to-call vote, they are awarded a tie. And thus concludes our Holiday Roast Battle Marathon Spectacular.

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Here’s a clip of Kayla celebrating after a great battle: 

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Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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