Sporting a mohawk, Jeff Ross gives the crowd a special treat by running roast jokes he would later do on the finale of Bring The Funny. As he leaves the stage, Moses reveals the real reason for delaying the start of the show until almost midnight:
“Three minutes until 9/11, everybody.”
Saudi Prince goes wild.
“Well, my family, we celebrate 9/11 Eve, so we already opened our presents.” – Saudi Prince
After a bit more banter, Moses introduces our firing squad for the evening: Cort McCown, Ramon Rivas, Yamaneika Saunders, and Jeff Ross. After praising Jeff’s upcoming performance on The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin, Moses introduces our first battlers: Neeraj “Newark” Srinivasian (thanks, racist auto-correct!) and Willie Simon. Since it’s his special day, Saudi Prince gets to pick who goes first. He goes with the infidel.
“Neeraj lived in Portland for a little while. He first moved to Portland to join Antifa. That’s his sister, Antifa Srinivasian. It’s a family name.”
“Willie looks pretty white for a Hawaiian guy, but I know he’s not making it up because there’s more spam in his body than in my Gmail account.”
“I’m only half Hawaiian. Neeraj knows I’m usually half-pepperoni also, so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Neeraj got really into cancelling Apu on The Simpsons. Not because he was offended, because he’s secretly Pakistani and he hates seeing Indians on TV.”
“Willie has two lesbian moms, which is how I know Mike Pence is right about not letting gay people raise kids.”
“I’m glad you brought up my mom, because usually the only way Neeraj knows people are lesbians is if their hands are cut off.”
“The most heartbreaking thing about Pearl Harbor is that Willie’s family survived the attack.”
Holy shit! What an incredible way to kick off the night. Every joke hits, the crowd is delighted, and the judges shower high praise on these two for throwing down hard right out of the gate.
“This was like al-Qaeda versus Al Bundy.” – Cort McCown
“It was like watching the battle of the Best Buy techs.” – Yamaneika Saunders
“Two towers down!” – Saudi Prince
Ultimately, Willie wins the fight, though Neeraj gets plenty of praise and mispronunciations of his name.
Following this fire debut will be no easy task, but Irishman Steve Lardner and guy who doesn’t know why people hate him Galyn Nash are here to give it a shot. Galyn opts to take the first swing.
“Steve’s Irish, and he’s never dated an older woman. His dick is like Lucky Charms: only children eat it.”
“Galyn’s hated my people ever since his dad pulled an Irish goodbye on him. He looks like he’s lost in transition from Fortnite player to date rapist.”
“Steve’s a lot like a four leaf clover: he’s pretty and people only care because of the extra chromosome.”
“Thank you, Bony Hinchcliffe. Galyn is so desperate to be famous, he’ll either end up killin’ it at the Store one day, or killing us all at the Store one day.”
“If you don’t believe that Steve is Irish, just ask his girlfriend’s black eyes.”
“Galyn was an athlete in high school. He made his mark on the track while his mom was home making tracks on her arm.”
They fall a bit short, but at least they gave it the ol’ college try. The judges weigh in.
“I feel like I just watched auditions to be extras in a Daniel Day-Lewis movie… I don’t even know what kind of dockworker scene just played out.” – Jeff Ross
“It’s hard to judge a battle between two dudes who look like they’re waiting in line for shoes.” – Ramon Rivas
“I thought it was pretty evenly matched for two dudes who look like they’d shoot up a school but they don’t have the upper body strength.” – Cort McCown
“At least it’s boiling hot and you have a jacket on.” – Jeff Ross
Ultimately, even though this battle didn’t blow anyone out of the water, it was perfectly competent. Sometimes that’s all you can ask for on a night where the air conditioning is broken and you had to follow one of the best first battles in the show’s history. The audience votes for Steve by a hair.
Moses introduces our next battlers, Neal Lockwood and Ahmed Al-Kadri. Neal comes to the stage wearing a hoodie that has three times the energy he does. Ahmed comes to the stage looking like a snack for Yamaneika.
“He’s hot!” – Yamaneika Saunders
“Literally. He has long sleeves on.” – Jeff Ross
“I have ashy elbows.” – Ahmed Al-Kadri
“Well you can just shove those elbows in my pussy and get ’em nice and…” – Yamaneika Saunders
After some weird chatter about eating pussy, eating elbows, and Ahmed trying to get an easy $100 from Yamaneika, the battle gets started. Neal opts to go first.
“Ahmed is a Muslim soccer player, which means he’s really good at heading and beheading.”
“Neal is such an ugly racist that he goes to Klan meetings just to wear a mask.”
“I know I’m ugly, but good job on that modeling gig with Halal-ister.”
The room goes nuts at this joke, which proves to be the slowest of slow burns. After the waves of laughter die down, Neal continues.
“I’ve still got a joke. So Ahmed’s dad is a Muslim-American who’s proud of raising six kids and knocking down two towers.”
“Topical, topical!” – Jeff Ross
“You know, it’s a funny coincidence because nine and eleven are actually the ages of Neal’s victims. Neal is a massage therapist – sorry, misogynist. Neal is such a misogynist.”
“Yeah, you sexist piece of shit!” – Autistic Thunder
“Ahmed went to an all-Muslim high school, where he lettered in not letting women read.”
“Thank you, skinhead that owns a diary. Neal is so white trash…”
“HOW WHITE TRASH IS HE?” – the audience
“When he got his 23 And Me results back, it was just the El Paso shooter’s manifesto.”
Ahmed gets the room rocking with his final joke. For all his trying, Neal can’t quite reach the heights of Ahmed.
“Neal, you seem nervous… come back, battle somebody white so it’ll be even.” – Yamaneika Saunders
“You both look like a couple of print models from Planet Fitness.” – Cort McCown
“Ahmed is kind of performing, and Neal… you look like you’re waiting for the subway to come. You’re hiding behind that garish shirt.” – Jeff Ross
“It’s the mushrooms!” – Neal Lockwood
Although the Halal-ister joke is rightfully deemed the funniest of the round, Ahmed wins over the judges for his consistency. The audience agrees and votes him the victor.
Now we’re getting into the truly heavy hitters as Tim McGorry and Deirdre Devlin get brought to the stage. Moses doesn’t mince words in the room, and I won’t mince ’em here either.
“Tim, you look like you got breastfed by an actual cow.”
“Thank you, Samantha Bestiality. Deirdre got eaten out by her dog… and didn’t even return the favor? It’s just selfish! I mean, who needs Tinder when there’s countless kill shelters across this fine city?”
“At least the dog didn’t over-eat my pussy like I know you would, you little fat bitch. Tim, you look like a slave owner who makes your slaves cook for you, but then you just eat the slaves.”
“You fat cunt!” – Autistic Thunder
“FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT!” – the Audience
“Deirdre, you look like you try to drum up business for your dog yoga company at cat funerals.”
“This is true: Tim has a question mark tattoo below his bellybutton. And the question is whether or not he’ll ever see his dick again.”
“I know it doesn’t look like this at all, but Deirdre’s had some work done–”
“No I haven’t!”
“Specifically on her eighteenth birthday when her dad gave her Steve Harvey’s teeth.”
What a battle! Just when it looks like Deirdre had this one locked up, Tim comes back with the absolute banger Steve Harvey reference. The judges deliberate.
“I’m gonna give that round a United 93… it felt like I was watching an Aubrey Plaza aerobics video being watched by her target demographic.” – Saudi Prince
“I liked this reboot of King of Queens on, like, a public access channel.” – Ramon Rivas
“You guys look like a brother and sister that own a food truck. A grilled cheese truck, and he just sits in the back and eats it while she bitches at him.” – Cort McCown
It’s close. Tim and Deirdre split the judges’ vote, but Deirdre ultimately wins over the audience. Though, thankfully, we’re at the point in the show where there are no real losers who step on this stage.
Up next is Kelsey Lane versus April Lotshaw: two perennial battlers who have, amazingly enough, not yet fought each other. They keep it nice when Moses introduces them, but Yamaneika wants blood.
“You bitches better turn up the grease on this Tinder date-looking shit!” – Yamaneika Saunders
Let’s get greasy. Kelsey goes first.
“April’s pussy is like the Upside Down in Stranger Things. It’s cavernous, webby, and at least a few kids have died in it.”
“Kelsey looks like ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ is tattooed over her pussy.”
“Hey, good one, Forrest Frump. April does improv. She’s such a natural that she yes-anded an extra chromosome.”
“Kelsey is a self-proclaimed sex addict, because fetal is a position too.”
“April and I actually fucked the same dude: her dad. April’s dad used to beat her, but that’s just because she wouldn’t stop rootin’ around in the garbage.”
“When Kelsey fucks her girlfriend, she doesn’t get facials. She gets dye jobs.”
“I have a girlfriend, maybe you would have one too if you ate pussy the way you ate Arby’s.”
As an “ARBY’S!” chant ripples through the crowd, the realization sets in that Kelsey has officially begun playing at another level.
“Kelsey, you a nasty bitch. Poor Caroline Rhea Jr. over here couldn’t keep up… but April, let me tell you something, you’re white and you’re blond. Ten pounds off of you and you have a career.” – Yamaneika Saunders
“They both look like they’re going to go accuse Antonio Brown of rape after this.” – Cort McCown
“Kelsey, this was by far your best battle.” – Jeff Ross
“Kelsey came out here with real powerful ‘you’re not my real mom’ energy.” – Ramon Rivas
Kelsey claims a well-deserved victory as the two powerful ladies leave the stage.
A battle that good is simply refreshing, and while some can’t handle the growing heat in the Belly Room, the die-hards know what’s coming: an absolute banger of a main event between Armando Torres and Julian Fernandez. They take the stage, do a little banter, and Julian elects to fire first.
“I’m honestly surprised Armando was free to battle. Normally he’s busy podcasting, doing shows, or throwing barrels at plumbers.”
“Julian prefers to go by they/them. For instance, you’d say ‘they’re not funny’ or ‘I wouldn’t book them.'”
“You look like Goldberg if he ate all the other Mighty Ducks.”
“QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!” – the audience
“Keep going, I might get a royalty check. Julian is an impressionist that tried to kill himself. He’s not sad or anything, he was just trying to nail that Robin Williams impression.”
“Thank you, Alejandro the Giant. Armando’s actually mixed. He’s half-Mexican and half-parade balloon.”
“Julian’s dad is a UPS driver, and Julian just came out on Facebook. So I guess handling packages runs in your family.”
“Armando’s always been a big guy. When he was born, the doctor said AAAAH!”
“I opened my eyes for that one.”
“Julian was a bouncer at a strip club. He didn’t work there, his titties just bounce when he’s excited.”
“Armando’s aunt shot himself when he was a baby. And I mean, wow… what an ugly baby.”
“Julian has a barcode tattooed on his wrist. Hey bud, how about you do us all a favor and start slashing prices?”
This is a real slugfest. Back-and-forth, knock-down, drag-out, wow-inducing roast battling. The judges weigh in after Moses congratulates Julian on coming out as non-binary.
“Amazing from both of you. We have the power lifter and the power bottom.” – Cort McCown
“They both look like my cousin who’ve asked me for money before… when the nesting dolls go back into each other.” – Ramon Rivas
“This is really hard… slash the prices was the thing that really made me giggle to my puss.” – Yamaneika Saunders
“Julian, now that you’re gay, remember: it does get better.” – Moses
Both battlers get a bunch of well-deserved praise, particularly for showcasing their camaraderie, but Armando gets the edge and the W. And with that, everyone files out, back into the cool breeze of a September 11th night, knowing that they’ll never forget the fun they had up there.