We are all excited for a hot hot summer, but even more excited for some fire roast jokes.
One third of our panel of judges tonight will remain a mystery until showtime, but alongside Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross will be Ramon Rivas II. Ramon has judged in the past, and always impresses us with his fair judgement and great zingers. He was also an entertaining guest on the Roast Battle podcast back in February
Our first battle of the night features Sarah Lawrance and Cole Alexander. Sarah is one of the hottest girls I’ve seen up close. Sarah’s Roast Battle premiere battle against Alice Hamilton a few weeks ago impressed us all with her level of comedic racism, but she still looks like a default player in any beach volleyball video game. Cole heard that if you put a girl’s butt to your ear and listen, you can hear the ocean. Cole just heard the happy sounds of all the girls who wouldn’t let him grind on them in high school. As Cole’s last few battles were pretty female comics, it seems like Cole is using Roast Battle as a way to lose his virginity. He’s battled fairly consistently with his performances ranging from good to mediocre. It’s not fair though, since it seems like they taught Barbie how to write roast jokes in one of the comedy classes she paid for. As Sarah recently just called Cole a “cockfag” on the internet, I give the edge to Sarah on this one. Although, you never know what can happen in this show.
In our next battle, Robert Omoto and Jason Whitlock face off. These two Bay Area guys look like they met in a holding cell after border control just went “eh, round up anyone that looks suspicious”. Robert looks like the only UFC fighter that gets paid in pesos. He apparently opens for Sarah Tiana, so he’s at least he’s surrounded with roasting greatness. Jason looks like the type of guy that likes to “hussle and motivate”, and by that, I mean get shot in South Central. Jason has a podcast called “Blunts an Bullshit”, where he smokes weed on Facebook live. So, definitely watch that if you want to be educated about absolutely nothing except maybe how stereotypes are upheld.
Our next battle is between Stacey Machelle and Alice Cutler. These two SAG actresses were probably told by their agents to “try standup”, and they thought this was close enough since at least they’d “be together” because “standing up there alone seems scary”. These two roast battle virgins look like a couple of hot moms fighting over the last pink sweater at Macy’s. If their jokes are as impressive as their IMDB credits, it will be some vicious girl on girl devastation. Here’s to hoping they bring the heat and destroy each other verbally!
Our next battle pits Guam Felix against Steve Lee. Having a coveted tv credit here in Los Angeles is so important in getting more stage time. Comedy store door guy Guam Felix was recently on “Let’s Make a Deal”. Not really the type of tv credit we were talking about, but I don’t think Guam was having trouble getting stage time anyways. Even though he is a great comic, Guam is a hit or miss battler where he is either spectacular or god awful. Guam’s last battle against Paul Elia was an absolute disaster. So, hopefully tonight will be one of the hits! We haven’t seen Steve Lee as much as we used to. He is best known in the Roast Battle ring for his legendary “battle of the cripples” against Joe Eurell. Steve has proven to be a good joke writer, so this guy on guy action should be a good one! These two seem like 2019 Mortal Kombat characters that are now celebrating diversity. Which player will get the KO?
In our next battle, Ricky Macias and Quentin Thomas will battle over who is the bigger greasier virgin. Quentin has an awkward boyish charm that has earned him a top 20 position in our Roast Battle rankings. He is coming off a loss to bearded beast Ashley Johnson. We haven’t seen Ricky battle nearly as frequently. Although, his battle against Frank Estrada went down in history as one of the Top 100 Battles in Roast Battle history last year as a “one hit wonder”. He hasn’t battled since 2017, but we are all excited to find out if he can uphold a dynamic performance or if he really should have really stayed a “one hit wonder”. Whoever wins gets to be the Dungeon Master tonight.
Your main event will feature Tony Bartolone going up against Brett Erickson. This battle looks like it began on set of the new Kevin Smith movie when an angry gaffer blew up on a guy that just drunkenly stumbled onto the set who looked like Kevin Smith. This will be a close match as Tony is ranked at 20, and Brett is ranked at 14 in our Roast Battle history book. Brett is coming off an impressive win against Zach Stein in March, and Tony is coming off an equally impressive win against Armando Torres in October. We’ve seen Tony grow on our stage over the years, both in confidence and joke writing. He recently took a hiatus as one of the most talented Roast Report writers around. This has the potential to work for him since he knows the inner workings about what works and what does not. On the other hand, it could work against him since he has to try harder to come up with original content. Brett stepped into the ring as a more established comedian already, and came out swinging as a great battler right from the get go. These two are both comedy veterans, creative joke writers, and great performers. This is a battle you will not want to miss.
See you tonight, perverts.