It’s two nights before Halloween, and to celebrate the audience showed up dead. Fortunately, there was a great slate of battles to gradually reinvigorate them, only for a third of them to leave once the show was rocking. Hey, not every night is perfect, but the battles were strong and found success in the face of a lackluster audience.

Among the usual cast of Roast Battle, in attendance were Brian Moses, the Saudi Prince, Coach Tea, and Chant Master Joshua Meyerowitz. At the judge’s table we were blessed with the presence of Elon Gold, Nicole Becannon, Annie Lederman, and Jeff Ross. Brian Moses brings up Jeff’s most recent and prestigious accomplishment:

“First guy in history to ever perform in the White House and the Belly Room on the same day” -Moses

The first battle of the night featured two steady newcomers in Stephen Alan Green versus Juan Cias. When Moses asks Juan why he’s battling Stephen, he replies:

“I actually tagged him earlier, I’m here to tag him one last time.”

Then Juan throws a toe tag at his feet. The response? Delayed, but happy. Juan volunteers to go first and the battle begins.

“Stephen Alan Green is so old, that his health insurance will only cover burial costs.”

“You’re supposed to start. You should do your first… Juan is a fine comic and he’s a mortician, specializing in Mexican funerals, which makes sense because he’s buried 600 bodies in 35 coffins.”

“It’s a sale, I mean what do you want me to do? Stephen, you bearded swamp ogre. I feel like (sings) somebody once told you, the world is gonna roll you. (spoken) My favorite part about that is that he does not get that joke, you guys.”

“Not alone. Juan you look like a tranny named Gomez Addams Apple.”

“Stephen is so miraculously Jewish, it would take eight days to fully cremate his body.”

“Let us pray ladies and gentleman. Wow, ok. Juan comes from the inland empire, and in dead bodies.”

Juan struggles to find the laughs in this battle, and Stephen capitalizes by coming back hard with quick retorts, followed by jokes that hit the audience hard.

“Juan, you really put the bomb in embalming fluid… He sang Smash Mouth, which is embarrassing, are you ok?”” -Annie Lederman

“Man, Dave Attell looks terrible… Juan, you had some false premises. No one is miraculously Jewish, only devastatingly Jewish.” -Nicole

“You died so hard, you’re going to drive home in your own hearse.” -Jeff Ross

Stephen says something sentimental to Jeff about Roast Battle and all he does, but I refuse to publish nice things.

“I was just happy to see the cast of Napoleon Dynamite is still working.” -Saudi Prince

Stephen easily sweeps the judges and audience vote, and takes home another victory in his best battle to date. It looks like he is turning into a formidable battler.

Up next, is the highly anticipated battle of Guam Felix versus Los Digits. Los Digits gets brought in by a fat guy dressed as a cop, bringing in “the world’s most dangerous Mexican” to NWA’s “Fuck Da Police”. and he immediately begins his usual practice of pacing and squatting.

“The winner of this battle gets 12 packs of cigarettes.” -Jeff Ross

Moses asks Digits why he wants to battle Guam.

“The reason I wanted to battle Guam? Because he’s from Guam, dog. That’s like United States other Puerto Rico.” -Digits

The battle is set to begin and Guam offers to go first.

“When Digits was in jail, his nickname was Cotton Mouth because he would always bite down on socks when he was getting raped.”

“Trump once said that Mexicans are rapists. In that case, that makes Guam like king of the mexicans… rapist.”

“Digits dad is a mechanic and his mom is a maid. And Digits is a stupid Mexican.”

“Five plus five is ten, fool. Guam is from the Polynesian Islands, but he’s not allowed back there, but it’s not because they hate him. It’s because they don’t want to see another Island sink, you fat bitch.”

“Digits keeps squatting down like this so the cum can fall out of his ass.”

“If that was your joke, then this is my joke. Yo, Guam looks like the Hawaiian Punch dude. When the cops describe him, they describe him as the Hawaiian who punched his wife. Pow, right in the kisser”

Guam dominates this battle, getting huge laughs, while Digits flounders a bit, although his delayed after the fact tag of “rapist” gets one of the biggest laughs of the night.

“Why do you keep cum in your ass, that’s weird.” -Elon Gold

“Where else would he keep it? Guam, you have my favorite rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” – Nicole Becannon

This joke gradually hits the entire audience in waves of understanding over the course of 15 seconds.

“Guam, if I pull your ponytail, do you sing Moana songs?” -Annie

“Digits, I don’t know. I think it’s over for you bro. I hope you stick it out, I love seeing you, but I would quit if I were you.” -Jeff
“I’m not your hair dude, I ain’t gonna quit.” -Digits

“Digits, why are you wearing Brian’s cock ring” -Elon
“You’ve seen it before, jajaja.” -Digits

Digits absolutely destroys with his off the cuff comebacks to the judges.

“I’m going to keep setting you up. Digits, what do you think of Nicole? She didn’t even vote for you?” -Jeff
“She voted for Trump, jajaja.” -Digits
“If I did, it was to keep you on the other side of the wall” -Nicole
“I would do this all night if we didn’t have four more battles” -Jeff

Both battlers receive heaps of praise, and Digits gains some traction in the post battle banter, but Guam takes the judge and audience vote, taking the victory in an electric battle.

Up next, is some black on black action as Jasmin Leigh takes on Gary Curtis. Jasmin is brought up first and Moses asks why she’s battling Gary.

“I hate when men think they’re prettier than me.” -Jasmin
“Well, he is.” -Moses

Gary comes up to many comments about how good looking he is.

“I’m slipping off my seat up here.” -Annie
“I won’t let you fall.” -Gary

“Gary Curtis, you are like the best parts of Jerron Horton and Tone Bell” -Moses

After some big laughs in the pre battle banter, Jasmin volunteers to go first.

“Gary’s eye isn’t lazy, it just looks the other way while his girlfriend pays the bills.”

“Jasmin looks like she squirts… Popeye’s chicken grease.”

“Gary looks like he gets cursed out for culturally appropriating white people”

“If Jasmin’s little titties were rappers, they’d be hardly B. Actually, okrrrrr (with a whistle) is the sound they make when you flick those little door stoppers.”

“OK, Trevor Noooooo.”

“Megan I need a waist trainer.”

“I’m not saying Gary is gay, but he’s definitely sucked a dick or two to find out”

“Nah. Jasmin calls herself a chef, but she looks like she’d scramble her own eggs after an abortion.”

“You said we’d keep it!”

Gary stays consistent but his last joke draws some confusion from the judges.

“I have some fact checking to do with that last joke. After the abortion, why would you scramble the eggs?” -Moses
“Why don’t you fact check the gay joke and have him suck your dick?” -Annie
“He’s not into black dudes” -Moses
“I get it” -Annie

“Gary’s adorable. You know baby face? Well Gary, you’re like baby cum in my face.” -Elon Gold

“It’s three black people on the stage, I feel like I’m supposed to say which one stole my purse” -Annie

“Now, which one of you stole Annie’s $6 and a plan B pill” -Nicole

“Do I have to rub a tree stump before this battle?” -Tony Hinchcliffe

Only black people understood that joke, and they loved it. I still don’t get it.

“I love that you did a talent portion before the auction began… As much as I enjoyed the guy who escaped from the Get Out family, I’ve got to give it to Average Kim” -Saudi Prince

After a strong battle by both, they split the judges vote, and Gary narrowly wins the audience vote to send him to a 3-0 record.

Up next, is two best friends, Alice Hamilton versus Dylan Sullivan. Alice is brought up first and asked why she’s roasting Dylan.

“I always wanted to roast someone who is as fat as Kevin James and as gay as all his movies.”

Next, Dylan prances to the stage and is asked the same question.

“Alice is a great writer, she wears a stupid skirt sometimes, but she’s a good friend.”

“I like that, that was subtly gay.” -Moses

The skirt comment seems innocuous at the time, but little do we all know, a seed has been planted in our brains. A seed that Dylan will water throughout the battle, and through tender love and care, turn in to a beautiful flower.

“I’m excited about this battle between Bowser and Toadstool.” -Tony

The battle is ready to begin and Dylan offers to go first.

“Alice was the subject of a hate crime. The crime? Someone selling her that stupid fucking skirt.”

“Oh my god, Dylan you family size faggot. Dylan has a Dave Matthews Band tattoo, so when I call him a faggot, that has nothing to do with his sexuality.”

“The only thing worse than the smell of Alice’s stinky pussy, is the sight of that stupid fucking skirt.”

The second punchline of “that stupid fucking skirt” sends the audience into a frenzy and prompts a sustained “Fuck that skirt” chant.

“I am half black, just like all of Dylan’s arteries. Dylan, between the smoking and the junk food, your insides are so black, I’m worried their going to get shot by a lady cop who wandered into the wrong house.”

“If Alice ever confided in me and told me that she had been raped, I would comfort her. And then I would ask, Oh Alice, is it because you were wearing…”

Dylan doesn’t even need to finish the joke. The audience goes absolutely insane with enormous applause, followed by another “Fuck that skirt” chant

“I can’t believe you lost to Digits. Dylan, of course I have fat jokes. You’re such a chubby cheeked unfunny white blob that for a second I thought I was roasting Amy Schumer’s new baby.”

That was a phenomenal battle, definitely the best of the night. Alice hit hard with every joke, providing a performance that nets a win on almost any night. Tonight was not any night though, as Dylan’s “stupid fucking skirt” running joke absolutely leveled the place and provided one of the best roast battle performances to date.

“Dylan you had such a funny angle. The reason you were able to kill as hard as you could was because you had a formidable appointment coming back at you… When you first got up there, I was like ‘she looks so great’, but over the course of the battle, Dylan convinced me that your skirt was stupid.” -Jeff

“I was just impressed that she came in church clothes and he didn’t start shooting” -Saudi Prince

“Did you write that after you saw the skirt?” -Elon
“I always wear this skirt.” -Alice
“I asked her to wear the skirt.” -Dylan, nefariously

“Olivia Grace looks good” -Saudi Prince

“She wore a skirt, and he pants when he walks up the stairs” -Tony

Dylan takes all but one judge vote. Alice gets a loud reaction in the audience vote, but Dylan takes it handily.

For whatever reason, after the audience fully came alive and truly loved a battle, about a third of them exited, leaving an emptier room with a tired energy as the main events began.

The first main event of the night showed Billy Anderson taking on Kelsey Lane, to find out once and for all who’s the best pasty ginger. Billy is brought up first and asked why he’s battling Kelsey.

“Kelsey plays guitar, she plays softball, she’s bi. She’s everything the judges always say I am.”

Kelsey is brought up next and the battle begins with Billy offering to take the first swing.

“Kelsey will tell you that she’s spiritual, but not religious, which is what white women say when they mean boring, but not quiet about it.”

“Good one cuck of the Irish.”

“You’re welcome, Dyke Turner.”

“Billy looks like he whittles his own butt plugs.”

“And you look like you sell them on Etsy. Kelsey’s comedy career is going so good, she finally passed being a server at Flapper’s. She’s a server at Flapper’s, which is nice because serving flappers is what she calls it when people eat her out.”

“Billy looks like Ron Weasley, if his only magic power was pretending not to be gay”

“She calls me gay, she’s bi. Kelsey will date men, she’ll date women. She’ll date anyone that will upset her parents”

“Billy is a lot like the confederate uniform he definitely owns. It’s probably better, it stays in the closet.”

“A lot of women now a days will do like sexy cam modeling to make money, but not Kelsey. She has the self respect to know she doesn’t have the body for it.”

“A lot of people think that Billy’s creepy. But in his defense, he didn’t know that sometimes when you roofie girls, they remember”

“Kelsey’s upset she had to get her money back for those pills. What do two girls even do when they roofie each other? Just flop around.”

“We don’t need to.”

“Yeah, you’ll fuck anybody, you’re right. Kelsey’s from New England and her pussy’s a lot like clam chowder; it’s thick, it’s salty, and you remember it tasting better than it actually does.”

“It’s so funny you said, cause like we look so much alike that I could be your sister, which means like, I know you want to fuck me.”

“Maybe if you didn’t dress like Boon Shaka Laka tonight, I would’ve”

“Billy loves country music because the only thing better than saying the n-word is singing the n-word.”

The battle ends with Jamar and Moses sing the n-word a bunch. They both had their moments, but the effects of the tired crowd can certainly be felt.

“You both bombed the same amount. You both laughed at your jokes the same way. I would tell you two to fuck, if he wasn’t obviously gay.” -Annie

“I like Billy too even though he looks like a really tall midget.” -Elon

“Kelsey, I love you. You’re like me if I had bigger tits and less talent.” -Nicole

“She has a better ass too” -Annie

“I never thought I’d say this, but the worst battle I saw tonight was between the white people.” -Tony

Billy gets three votes and Tony calls it a tie, then for reasons I don’t understand Jeff says we’ve got to do one more joke, so we do.

“Billy looks like he hates Roots for all the wrong reasons.”

“The movie. Over in Encino and the San Fernando Valley, fires are ravaging where I live. And I haven’t seen this much wood wasted, since the last time Kelsey dated a dude.”

Billy wins the judges’ vote for a second time, and takes home a well deserved victory.

In our final battle of the night, we’ve got giant vs vagina as Ashley Johnson squares off against Isaac Hirsch. I don’t actually think Isaac’s a vagina, but I’ve got a word count. Sensing the tired crowd, Moses takes us swiftly through the pre-battle banter and gets it started with Isaac offering to go first.

“Ashley went to music school here in Los Angeles. You look like the only classically trained member of a jug band.”

“What can I say about Isaac that Hitler hasn’t already shouted in to a microphone? You look like you write fucking Epstein fan fiction.”

“He was an honorable man. Ashley may look like a big scary man, but I know deep down inside he has a good heart… for about five more years.”

“Isaac wanted to be a church shooter, but his mom wouldn’t let him borrow the car.”

“Believe it or not, Ashley went to school at an HBCU, but in his defense he thought HBCU stood for Hates Blacks College University.”

“Imagine my surprise. Isaac looks like he buys Magnum condoms to impress his Fleshlight.”

“It can’t handle all of me. Ashley used to be a drug dealer, but he was pretty bad at it. Like he couldn’t sell you an eight because he doesn’t understand fractions. Can I get you a one? A one of weed? I love fractions too much.”

“I know you’re telling jokes, but all I hear is you pitching a child sex robot on Shark Tank right now.”

“Ashley abandoned his family because he was secretly gay. One day he was like, yeah I’m just going out to smoke some pole. Fuck! I mean I’m just going out for a pack of dick. Shit! I’m going out to suck some cock. I’m gay!”

“Isaac’s actually a really good guy. When he kidnaps a kid, he sucks their dick.”

Despite the state of the crowd, these two put on a great battle. Ashley delivers the bigger laughs overall, but they both managed to end a fun night on a strong note. The judges deliberate quickly, opting for only the shortest and quickest of jokes before casting their votes.

“The Fleshlight joke was great. Isaac, you look like you use them, but the mouth version to practice kissing.” -Nicole

“I think in honor of this win, Ashley should get to shove him in a locker one more time.” -Tony

Ashley wins the judges’ vote unanimously, and takes home another victory. That’s quite a few in a row, and Ashley is starting to look damn near unbeatable. We look forward to seeing both these titans back for another night of Roast Battle.

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