by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

I often try fruitlessly to explain what this show means to
me, as well as what it means to many other people. The reason it’s hard to
explain is because the people who don’t like it want not to like it. Their
minds are made up. It’s like politics or religion. People use their opinions to
define themselves. I think instead, as human beings, we should be trying escape
definition. We should embrace the chaos that is the world, the chaos that is
ourselves. This is a show built by many people with a common purpose. A cause,
if you will. The cause it to cure each other. To alleviate the pain of the
human condition. To share the crushing weight of the world. To embrace the
chaos as group made up of individuals. When you’re watching this show live it’s
like seeing your favorite band or being in love, there’s nowhere in the world
you’d rather be. You’re not checking your cell phone. You’re not worried about
what time it is. You’re in a place apart from time. You are present, in the
moment, the way we all strive to live. Or at least the way we should strive to
live. We are human. We are being.

Who cares!? Let’s Roast!

The first battle of the night features a couple of
first-timers. That’s right, we’ve got a double virgin sacrifice, seeing Nathan
Mosher go punch-for-punch with Matt Duckett. Mosher comes out first and lays
out the fact that both of these young dudes have “psych-ward crazy” sisters.
Matt comes out and after Moses riffs on his a appearance a bit, he asks the
oft-asked question, “Why you battling?”

“I just want Asian people to stop wearing street wear.” – Matt Duckett

“Nathan, you Filipino Goonie. You look like the rest of the
Black Eyed Peas ran a train on Fergie.”

“Matt, you half-white, half-black, albino coon. You’re
half-black but you have a Jewish nose, your face is getting gentrified so now
you can’t afford to live with yourself.”

“That was pretty good for a Pokemon trainer battling
depression. Lexapro, I choose you.
Nathan has a crazy half-sister who falsely claims that her father raped her
when she was a kid. To make matters worse for the family, Nathan falsely claims
he’s a comedian.”

“Matt also has a crazy sister, he just found out he has a
half-sister who tried to murder him when he was three. She could’ve waited
twenty years for him to kill himself. …That’s in two weeks, by the way.”

“The good news about that Nathan, is that we just have to
wait until the end of the battle for you to kill yourself, but… Nathan’s dad is
a big history buff. Actually, he did a live reenactment of the US occupation of
the Philippines by raping his entire family.”

“Matt you half-black, half-Jewish looking Mien Coon-looking motherfucker… You just
found out you had half-sister who tried to murder you when you were a baby, and
then your parents got divorced and then you dropped outta law school to become
a shitty comedian. You’re like the Drake of people who are dead inside.”

Both these rookies put up a great show. With the crowd still
gradually trickling in, these kids rocked the house. Brutal jokes, good
chemistry, all-in-all, a fantastic debut for both of these adorable assholes.
The crowd gives a slightly bigger applause for Nathan, and Moses commends them
on job well done as they leave the stage.

After round of stand up, we’re ready for more battles. The next undercard pits  Whalberg-wannabe, Kevin McNamara
against Farley-nevergonnabe, Tom Whalen. Kevin has a disgusting amount of
confidence. He has the confidence of a person who’s already fucked more women
than Tom will in his lifetime. Moses asks him why he’s battling Tom, and he
gives his rehearsed reply:

“I always wanted to meet a Make-A-Wish kid whose one wish is
to eat another Make-A-Wish kid.”

Jeff Ross shows up just before
the crowd has a chance to not laugh at Kev’s joke.

“You’re back again so quick?” – Jeff Ross

“Always. Ready to battle any week. Anybody wants to call me
out, bring it.” – Kevin McNamara

“Really? You’re gonna lose every
fuckin’ time, huh?” – Jeff Ross

“5 and 0, baby.” – Kevin McNamara

The thing about that is Kevin is not “5 and 0, baby.” He’s 4
and 1, baby. You can even hear Jay Light call out from the behind the Periscope
cam that Kevin has indeed lost, but Jay is ignored. McNamara lost to Eric Abbenante,
who he would easily murder in a bare-knuckle boxing match. We’ll see Eric later
in the night. Even beyond that, his battle against Galina would have been ruled
a double loss had he not whined for the win at the end of it. So his actual
record should be 3-2, but he is a professional actor AKA liar. And to quote
Kevin, the acting guru:

Coach T plays Tom up to Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything for
Love” and after chugging what was left in his beer bottle, Tom Whalen starts wailin’
along to the song like the Jack Black wannabe he is. He boldly claims first
joke, and we’re off and running.

“You guys, Kevin’s an actor.  He’ll never get on all four networks as an actor, but he’ll
definitely get on all fours to network with actors.”

“Tom, you gun fighter at the Golden Coral… You look like you
rape women in a van down by the river.”

“Good one, LGBTGQ. He’s such a great actor. He was also in a
commercial for a product called Bai,
which is also what his father never said to him.”

“Tom, you fat faggot. Tom has
admittedly sucked one dick–”

“No, I haven’t.”

“…but just one because he couldn’t stomach the idea of
putting something in his mouth that had to come back out.”

Kevin molests Tom, rubbing his belly and lifting his shirt.
For a guy who just called somebody a faggot, he sure is quick to grab the man
standing closest to him and start taking clothes off. Maybe he just wanted to
see a stomach with over 10% body fat, who knows. Tom handles it gracefully,
strikes a pose and slaps his fat quite literally hamming it up.

“Kevin, I may be fat, but at least my father stuck around to
feed me. Ready guys? Honestly, honestly–”

“Is that your joke?”

“I’m gonna give you guys a treat– No, this is my joke–
Kevin’s a great actor. Kevin, act like your looks have got you everywhere in
life. And action! Flawless.”

“I bet he’s got a big dick too!” – Chris Redd

“Yes, I do.” – Kevin McNamara

Well, he lied about his record, but perhaps his penis is 5 inches erect. Stupid average penis having motherfucker.

“Tom found his sister’s body moments after she OD’d on
heroin. Which means it’s not just his comedic timing that sucks.”

Tom spreads his arms and scrunches his face in confusion, as
does most the crowd at Kevin’s last joke. He then extends his hand and the two
shake hands as a show of respect. Moses throws to Jeff Ross.

“Are you wearing knee pads? You’re roasting a gay
guy and you’re the one wearing knee pads.” – Jeff Ross

“I’m not gay. I’m not gay, and I’ve never sucked a dick so
those jokes suck dick.” – Tom Whalen

The crowd is really fired up,
giving huge reactions to the post-match smack talk.

“Tom, Tom, come out of the closet. You’re taking up all the
room for the real gay people.”

“I’ll take that advice, Slim and also Shady.”

“Thank you, Chris Barely.”

“You’re welcome, Vanilla Ice Latte.”

The crowd explodes, the wave comes out and “Battle” chants
echo through the halls of the Comedy Store. Then Coach Tea drops “Ice, Ice,
Baby” and Tom leads a crazy fun dance party onstage. We’ve seen Tom a few times
now, and every time he’s been high energy and highly entertaining. Jeff Ross
takes it away from there, giving both battlers props, but giving Kevin the edge.

“Kevin, you’re 5 and 0. I’m not gonna ever take that away from you for such an
evenly matched battle, so congratulations. Kevin’s got my vote on this.” 

Again, Kevin blatantly lied about being 5 and 0. He is not 5
and 0. He knows he’s not 5 and 0. Several people in the room know he’s not 5
and 0, but the lie serves him well. 

“I didn’t know the Chainsmokers were doing a concert
tonight.” – Mike Lawrence

Mike Lawrence enters the room and tosses out a joke before
his ass even hits a seat. Then hits another alley-oop  just for good measure.

“You both look like you were at Paul Walker’s funeral.” – Mike Lawrence 

Brian Moses takes the judging to the crowd. The audience
vote is extremely close. Moses surveys the crowd a second time before finally declaring
Kevin the winner because of Jeff Ross’ endorsement of Kevin’s false 5-0 record.
I guess it’s like the man himself says:

Brian keeps the show moving along:

“This next guy coming to the stage is the Mayor
of Echo Park
.” 

He holds for applause. There is no applause. 

“That’s the
appropriate response.”

Terrence Newman comes to the stage looking loose, bobbing
his head to the tunes provided by Coach Tea. The Wave starts dancing.

“It’s my favorite celebrity: Tiger Woods’ mug shot.” – Mike Lawrence

Mike Schmidt is brought to the stage next. Mike is actually 5
and 0. You’ll notice there’s no mention of his earned and accurate record to
garner favor with the judges or the crowd. Mike starts off in his signature
whisper.

“I heard your special went well. No I didn’t. Terrence’s
special taping was so bad he didn’t have an audience, he had witnesses.”

“Mike, you look like John Denver if he survived the plane
crash. If you were any deeper in the closet, you’d be a talking lion from Narnia.”

Terrence is looking confident, throwing in two quick jabs. He hasn’t looked
this confident since his first battle against yours truly.

“You’re looking great tonight, Terrence. I didn’t know that T.J. Maxx
accepted Marlboro Miles.”

This is my favorite joke of all the undercards. Two
references for the price of one, and Schmidt completely defines Terrence’s
existence on this planet with one short sentence.

“Mike always knew he wanted to be a comic. As a child he was
voted funniest camper at his Christian gay conversion camp.”

Terrence fires back, defining Mike with a line of his own,
and this has turned into a really fun fight.

“Ya know, I’m only being nice to you because there’s a fifty
percent chance you’re just Lena Dunham in black face.”

“The reason why Mike looks like such a rapist is because his
face is actually just a photo mosaic of a thousand tiny mug shots of other
rapists.”

That joke almost gets away from Terrence, but he powers
through it and closes strong. Even though that was the supposed to be the last
joke, Mike can’t help but punch back.

“Your suicide note is gonna be
so much to read.”

Mike gets a big pop, and Moses gives Terrence a fair chance
to fire back.

“You look like Colonel Sanders if he was famous for cooking meth.”

Terrence gets a good reaction with his post-battle burn as
well. As far as I can tell, this one ends in a dead heat. Terrence gives a very
impressive, practically flawless performance. It’s his likeability versus
Mike’s mild-mannered yet calculating style.

“This looks like if Lethal Weapon took place in a thrift
shop.” – Mike Lawrence

After praising Mike Schmidt after his last performance,
Lawrence opts for his opponent this time around. Jeff Ross interviews Terrence
a bit, and asks him for his record, which is the appropriate time to announce
your record. Terrence reveals that he is 0-3.

“You look like Leroy The Cable Guy.” – Jeff Ross

Jeff Ross votes for Terrence. Jak Knight is momentarily
sitting in and votes for Terrence insisting that Schmidt “let that nigga
shine.” 

“I really like the nigga with the loud whisper.” – Chris Redd

“If you don’t use that as an
album title…” – Mike Lawrence

“Loud whisper hashtag jean khakis because I don’t what those
are, but those look great. But I gotta go with my nigga who dressed like he
just woke up and I like that.” – Chris Redd 

Moses takes a crowd vote. The audience is louder for
Terrence, but Moses almost raises Mike Schmidt’s hand out of force of habit
before catching himself. He takes another vote, but it’s too close to
call.  Moses gets the Roastmaster’s
blessing to go another joke. Terrence has already used four jokes when he was
prepared to only do three, and Terrence doesn’t write a lot of jokes. Schmidt,
on the other hand, is a joke machine. So going one more joke definitely favors
the scary white dude.

“The battle of NWA vs. NPR must continue.” – Mike Lawrence

Terrence goes first this time:

“Mike’s the uncle grandma warned the grandkids about. He looks like a
substitute teacher that got fired for filming students having sex.” 

The joke bombs and Haiti throws his water battle down and
screams in anger that another black man lost another battle. This gets a big
laugh and the hot crowd starts chanting, “Haiti! Haiti! Haiti!”

“We used to have a Hater’s
Section
, now we have a Haiti Section.” – Jeff Ross

“You just made a black excellence hashtag cry.” – Mike Lawrence

Finally Schmidt is able to deliver his final blow:

“Why do always look like you
just ate too much spaghetti?”

This gets some scattered laughs, but The Mayor fires back:

“Why do you look you always just said the pledge of
allegiance in German?”

As the laughter subsides you can hear Schmidt breathing into the microphone.
Jeff Ross encourages him to look at his opponent – something that always works.

“Oh, that’s it, I have to look at you. I didn’t want to do
that. Honestly, you look like if shit popped off, you would loot the dollar
store.”

The actual last joke gets a soft response from the fans,
which might not be enough for Mike Schmidt to take it. The Judges weigh in:

“That whole overtime happened in the sunken place.” – Mike Lawrence

“Yeah, that was fuckin’ awful. I don’t know who to go for in
that, but I guess I gotta go for broke Jordan Peele.” – Chris Redd

The Roastmaster decrees that Terrence Newman eeked out a
victory in one of the biggest upsets in Roast Battle history. Just for the
record, that was somebody with a 5 and 0 record losing to a man with a 0 and 3
record. Any given Tuesday, folks. Any given Tuesday.

After another round of stand up, we’re onto our last three
battles. The Saudi Prince is in the building and fired up.

“We were worried about you, Saudi Prince. Where were you?” – Jeff Ross

“Listen man, sometimes shit happens and sometimes shit needs
planning. And this week has been a planning week.” – Saudi Prince

The Belly Room belts out chants of “Saudi Prince! Saudi
Prince!” to show their appreciation of his timely offensive comments. 

“Saudi Prince, you missed it. We sent a Haitian refugee
over, but you rejected him.” – Jeff Ross

“Yeah, yeah, we learned that from the US.” – Saudi Prince

Brian brings up Sarah Keller exclaiming that she’s only lost
twice. Upon gracing the stage with her presence, she corrects him and explains
that she’s only lost once. This is the truth. She’s lost once and she does not
lie about it because there’s extensive record of it, so it’d be really, really
stupid of somebody to lie about such a thing. Eric is brought up to Green Day because
he looks just like a fourteen year old from 1995. And we see the nebbish nerd
that beat the fuck out of the hunky Kevin McNamara. Moses asks why he called
out Sarah and he replies in his high-pitched nasal tone:

“Sarah trains horses. I fucking hate people who train
horses. Of course someone blonde and blue-eyed would ride a brown body and take
credit for all the fucking work.”

Eric comes out swinging, and the
blood-hungry crowd eats it up.

“Are you here for Roast Battle
or just so you can talk to a chick?” – Jeff Ross

“I can’t wait to see what your body looks like once you
drink all your milk.” – Mike Lawrence 

“You look like a nigga who does meth in a library.” – Chris Redd

“You look like you bought her for prom night.” – Mike Lawrence

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to snap a photo because this
stage looks like an anti-America propaganda poster.”- Saudi Prince

The firing squad proves the crowd is warm and ready for
battle. Eric volunteers to go first:

“Sarah’s virginity should be on a milk carton because it’s
been missing since Sarah was a child.”

“Speaking of children, Eric looks like the only pedophile
that can’t overpower his victims.”

That’s the way to start a Roast Battle. Sarah hits a
straight banger up top giving Abbenante a huge hill to climb if he’s going to
comeback and pull off a win here. Also, any hill is a huge hill for this
pre-pubescent pest.

“Sarah’s acting resume is like her bra because there’s an unbelievable
amount of padding.”

“Eric used to live in his car.
He described it as very roomy.”

“Sarah is a struggling Hollywood actress because she’s
struggling to act like she’s under thirty.”

“There’s a lot of things Eric will never do in life: become
a paid regular, beat me or ride a rollercoaster.”

The battle fizzles a bit in the middle, but both competitors
start strong and end strong. Overall, it’s a tight, fierce contest.

“It’s hard to pick a winner, but I’d like to buy the
date-rapist Wolverine action figure for my son. But I give the battle to the
receptionist from Dollywood.” – Saudi Prince 

“She said you get your ass whooped by people you wanna rape,
nigga…” -Chris Redd

“Haha, you can’t rape.” – Haiti

“Says the rapist.” – Brian Moses

“Eric, you somehow look like Rick Moranis and also one of
the kids he shrunk.” – Mike Lawrence

“A classic battle between Hebrew school and bartending
school.” – Jeff Ross

“Coyote versus Ugly.” – Mike Lawrence

The judges sing Sarah’s praises, and the Roastmaster gives
Eric his due as a worthy opponent followed by some words of encouragement. So
by judges’ decision, Sarah takes the battle. Her first joke is one of the best
jokes of the night, and she’s really established herself as heavy hitter over her
last few battles. Look out world, Sarah “The Killer” Keller is on the warpath
and leaving a trail of beaten, bloody bodies in her dust. 

As we move on to our penultimate battle and final undercard
of the night, the sea of roast battle fans is ablaze, drinking the blood of the
fallen like cups of cold brew coffee. Coach Tea plays Josh Waldron up to
Aerosmith’s “Dude Look Like a Lady” and the chorus comes in right on cue as
Josh takes the stage, prompting the Wave to start dancing. Josh seems confident
and is already having fun. It’s always amusing to see gay dudes having a good
time onstage. Brian Moses calls up Hormoz, and he’s nowhere to be seen. Middle
Eastern music continues play, Josh Meyrowitz steps in and starts a battle
chant, and finally Hormoz Rashidi comes to the stage. He was obviously out of
the room, but it’s not cool to make people wait nearly an entire minute for you
to enter. I mean, there wasn’t even a Trump impersonator or a gay Hitler to
kill time. What was he thinking? 

“Oh man, that nigga was later than black people.” – Chris Redd

“Cab driver versus Lyft driver.” – Mike Lawrence 

“Five stars! Saudi Prince, you got your countryman against
whatever this is.” – Brian Moses

“This is not my countryman, my friend. Listen, just because
he’s from that part of the world, doesn’t mean he’s got my money, my friend.” – Saudi Prince

“Hormoz, you’re the Iron deficient Sheik.” – Mike Lawrence

“He might say that he’s Persian, but his beard looks like an
afghan.”- Saudi Prince

This may be the most loose we’ve ever seen Waldron, but
that’s only because we’ve never seen him after hosting a gangbang. Josh claims
first joke.

“Hormoz has a terrible back.
From looking at him you can tell he has scoli-ISIS.”

“That was pretty good. I’m not surprised Josh is good
battling, he’s battling his sexuality his whole life.”

“Hormoz lost half his stand up material in a divorce. But
he’s making the most of the other three minutes.”

“I’m not sure what Josh’s ethnicity is, but he once told me
he had white, Asian and Latin DNA… in his stomach.”

“Hormoz had his appendix removed, which apparently is where
the body stores your potential.”

“Josh, you look like if vaping
was person.” 

They both have strong showings. Hormoz is more likeable, but
Josh is the most likeable I’ve ever seen him be.

“Instead of giving it to Steven Seagal’s lesbian daughter,
I’m giving it to Rumple Foreskin.” – Saudi Prince

“You both look like you invested in the Fyre Festival.” – Mike Lawrence

Mike Lawrence gives his vote to
Josh.

“I really like the yoga instructor from Grand Theft Auto.” – Chris Redd

Chris Redd gives his vote to the wolves on Hormoz’
sweatshirt. Jeff Ross votes for Hormoz, and Moses takes it to the crowd. The
audience vote is close, they take a second litmus test and finally give it to Hormoz
with judges’ decision acting as tie-breaker. Props to Josh for keeping it fun
and funny and proving that America’s got talent.

Finally, it’s time for the much anticipated Mean Event. Keith is all smiles after
losing a title fight last week, and Connor is in his trademark relaxed stance,
elbow leaning against the back wall. There’s a hum in the Belly Room as the
Roast Battle addicts impatiently await their fix. We start with a quick sample:

“I love how my credit now is “he failed last week.” – Keith Carey

“If you didn’t lose last week, I wouldn’t have said that.” – Brian Moses

“Hey, Keith has gone through a lot of shit, not just in life,
and also in this show, and I’m just honored that he’s willing to come up here
even in spite of all those stairs.” – Connor McSpadden

“Hope you guys like fat jokes, it’s gonna be a fucking lot
of them.” – Keith Carey

“This really does look like Bert and Ernie’s first date.” – Mike Lawrence 

Connor raises his hand to go first, but Keith quickly claims
it. The RoastMaster asserts his authority to have Connor start since Keith
battled last week, and the pretty boy takes over.

“Keith once walked in on his mom fucking two guys, which is
not as traumatizing as when I walked in on Keith eating Five Guys.” 

“Connor and I have been friends for half a decade, that’s
five years. Lemme put that into perspective for you: if our friendship was a
baby and that baby was Connor, our friendship would’ve already been brutally
molested.”

“That’s true, I was molested. One guy touched my dick one
time, and I got a personality out of it. Thousands of guys have touched Keith’s
dick, and all he got was dark circles under his dead eyes.”

Jeremiah comes out repping the Wave and grabs each boy by
his respective wiener. Then Connor, with a gleam in his eye, yells in Keith’s
ear:

“You got molested, you bitch!”

This is a callback to Jeremiah using a megaphone to say same
thing in Connor’s ear on Comedy
Central’s Roast Battle 2: The Regionals. The room erupts into cheers of
recognition. The fans are already getting tasty treat after treat after treat
and we’re barely halfway through the first round. Connor punctuates his callback
by dropping the mic.

“You can’t drop the mic on your
second joke, you arrogant faggot.”

“Just did, you bitch!”

Connor drops the mic a second time. These two are having the
most fun humanly possible and so is every person lucky enough to be along for
the ride. Keith finally gets to his second joke of the round.

“Speaking of attitudes and dicks, Connor is a smug bitch,
but what a lotta people don’t know is he’s on so much Zoloft his dick doesn’t
work anymore. Here’s my question: How is somebody so stuck up, always stuck
down?”

“It’s true, I’m very depressed, but I’ll never be depressed
as Keith’s spot on the couch. Keith tried to hang himself as a teenager, and
he’s been taking his anger out on belts ever since.”

“It’s true, I tried to kill myself, but of course me and
this hack are friends because he can’t resist a low hanging fruit. But Connor’s
wrecked three cars since we’ve been friends. How are you such a bad driver when
you look like you still sleep in a race car bed?”

Connor and Keith high five to cap off what was one of the
greatest rounds in Roast Battle history. Connor’s first joke was about Keith
walking in on his mom getting double-teamed while unconscious, and Keith’s
first joke was about Connor being “brutally” molested. They used the most
painful moments of each other’s lives as jumping off points. Connor was on fire
so violently it was hard to look at him. It was like looking at the sun, even
though Keith’s body is the only one big enough to have eight planets orbiting
it. Watching this battle feels like watching theater in Ancient Rome, where
you’d get so full of wine and food you’d have to go vomit before the next act.
We all need a moment to purge before the next round. Jeff Ross asks Keith what
led him to battle only one week after his title fight.

“Number one, bad timing on the schedule. No, Connor’s my
best friend. Last week was really stressful and this is just fucking fun.” – Keith Carey

And it certainly is fucking fun for everybody involved. People have some weird
ideas about Roast Battle being this exclusive little club, but it’s the most
inclusive show in existence. Anybody can Roast Battle. All you need is the
courage to do so. They’ll literally book anybody on this show. And no subject
is off the table. So actually, every other show is an exclusive little club.
This one has no pretention. Snobs need not apply. Jeff Ross tries to pinpoint exactly
why Connor is crushing so hard, saying he can feel the rest in him.

“Well, Keith does live in my house, so there’s not that much
rest. There’s a lot of sleep apnea going on.” – Connor McSpadden

“So you guys are roommates?” – Jeff Ross

“Uh yeah, Keith is my roommate, also my couch. Very
convenient.” – Connor McSpadden

“Y’all are fucking amazing. Y’all make me feel like I don’t
understand friendship.” – Chris Redd

“Connor, the amount of angles you had on somebody shaped
like a circle… You used every part of the buffalo you’re insulting.” – Mike Lawrence

“This is shaping up to be the best battle of the night,
second only to the buttons on Keith’s shirt.” – Saudi Prince

“I know they just got eighties music in Saudi Arabia. I
didn’t know they also just got that twelve year old joke.” – Connor McSpadden, taking shots at everybody

“Speaking of timely references, this stage looks like Britney
Spears in various stages of her success.” – Saudi Prince

Connor is declared winner of round one, and Keith defers to
him to start round two. Round two each person gets thirty seconds a piece, starting
with Connor:

“Keith looks like he got stung
by a swarm of Apple-bees.”

“Keith doesn’t actually have a twitch, his face just gets a
notification every time someone wishes Earl was on the show instead of him.”

“Keith was actually supposed to be on the first plane to hit
the towers on 9/11. And I love ya buddy, but I wish you would have made it on
the flight because there’s no way they would’ve had enough fuel to get to New
York.”

“Connor’s just jealous that I was supposed to be on that
9/11 flight because I came closer than he ever will to making an impact on a
comedy community.

“Connor, I’ve gotten you jobs at MTV and Comedy Central. If
you really want me to lose weight, let go of my fucking coattails.

“Connor once jerked off in the same room my girlfriend was
sleeping in. I don’t know what’s sadder, that you did something so creepy or
that you didn’t even have the self-confidence to just rape her.”

The Battle chants shake the room as these two mastodons of
mean high five and hug. You can feel the love being stretched, slanted and
flipped inside out for our entertainment. Keith performs one of the most
dominant second round comebacks we’ve ever seen. He takes his rightful place as
the proverbial sun, with the gravitational pull to support an entire solar
system. His second joke is absolutely incendiary. The laughs pump through the
room like blood through a body, Connor and Keith the heart thumping in rhythm
to make the whole thing alive.

“I think anytime someone brings up 9/11 it’s hilarious.” – Saudi Prince

“I mean, what’s amazing was in the first round you can see
Keith’s face like playfully twitching, but in the second it was like, ‘nobody
puts tubby in a corner.’ It was like a Beautiful
Mind
watching the rape jokes form.” – Mike Lawrence

“It was flawless, nigga. It was like watching you eat
anything.” – Chris Redd

Keith gets heaps of praise dumped on him, but I’m sure he
wishes it were beef gravy and cheese instead. There is love just radiating from
the stage, but it could also just be Keith’s engine overheating. The Roastmaster
chooses Keith to kick off the final round:

“Connor’s ex had a miscarriage, proving that just because he
has a baby face, doesn’t mean he can have a baby with a face.” 

“Funny you should say that, Keith’s mom smoked while she was
pregnant, and I still don’t know if it was meth or baby back ribs. And now her baby’s fat, baby’s fat, baby’s fat,
Maybeee just don’t have a kid. She’s a bad mom.”

“If we’ve learned anything tonight, it’s that my life is way
more interesting that Connor’s because I have demons, he has Keebler Elves.”

“I feel like you just lost it there. You haven’t been fucked
over by a wave that bad since you got beached. And Keith, the Roast Battle
community is worried about your health. If you don’t start taking care of
yourself you’re gonna be the only person that needs pallbearers for his urn.”

“Here’s the thing, Connor gives me a lot of shit for being
bisexual, and he looks like every dude that’s ever called me faggot. But he
acts like every dude that’s ever called me daddy.”

“Keith got blown in a Craigslist glory hole, which is weird because usually when he busts through a
wall it’s because someone’s making Kool-Aid.
He literally went from ‘Oh yeah!’ to O-Positive blood transfusions for the rest
of his short life.

As things begin to wind down and a winner must be decided, a
woman from the crowd yells out:

“Let the audience decide!” – Loud Woman

“Again, why we don’t let women talk in my country.” – Saudi Prince

“Well, it’s a good thing we still let ’em drive because
Keith needs a ride home and my tire pressure is low.” – Connor McSpadden

“So honestly, you had two hacky acts out in that, Connor.
That fucking Chili’s song – eugh! And then the fucking Kool-Aid thing–” – Mike Lawrence

“What? I can’t believe this guy hates fun. ‘Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was a little
formulaic for me, guys.’” – Connor McSpadden 

I think Connor takes the record for the most hits in between
rounds. This guy just could not stop making jokes, most of them good. Also, the
aforementioned “hacky act outs” are Connor’s attempts to broaden the
possibilities of Roast Battle jokes, and I commend him on trying something new.
After Mike Lawrence finishes explaining the flaws in Guardians of the Galaxy 2, he votes Keith for the win. 

“Keith, I love you and your stomach, man. But dawg, the
meanest kid in kindergarten. Dawg, you told this man his ashes are heavy.
Nigga… that’s hilarious. I give it to Connor.” – Chris Redd

That’s one vote for Keith, one for Connor. We’re all tied up
and it’s up to the RoastMaster to decide who goes home a victor and who goes
home a smelly, ugly loser nobody likes anymore. Just kidding, we all know Keith
is the smelly, ugly and fat one of these two. That’s why he’s funnier. The RoastMaster
General awards Keith this well-deserved win, but Connor put on one helluva
fucking show as well. Keith’s arm is raised and Connor amazingly does not get
absorbed into Keith’s amoeba-like body when they hug. 

Keith demands the music
be cut.

“We wanna say something right now.  This is the last time we’re gonna fight each other, but we
are gonna be fighting with each other. We’re starting the first tag team Roast
Battle. And we’re calling out our opponents right now, who we fighting Connor?” – Keith Carey

“Jay Light.” – Connor McSpadden

“And Frank Castillo.” – Keith Carey 

They both drop the mic and leave the stage. After a brief
moment, Frank and Jay appear onstage.

“We gladly accept. We will tag team this fag team!” – Frank Castillo

“Stay tuned for that shit.” – Jay Light

They both drop the mic and exit the stage. A shocking ending
to thrilling night of high-octane, bomb-dropping, head-bopping, show-stopping entertainment. 

From the outside looking in, it is easy to see the
criticisms of this show. There’s certainly an element of competition that some
people might not care for. There’s a no holds barred approach that some people
might seem unnecessarily mean to some. It’s almost warlike in it’s brutality.
However, at its best, Roast Battle is the opposite of war, the definition of
peace. It is, by its very nature, a show. A performance. A reaching out from a
purely human, vulnerable place. When the show is working, when the show reaches
its target, there is a strange sense of oneness. There is no separation between
people. There is no difference between you and the person next to you. Racism,
classism, all earthly prejudice no longer exists in that moment. We are all
symbiotic. We are all there for a common purpose. We become joy, everyone
together. There is no fear, there is no money, and there
is no war. There is only life and in that moment, it is infinite.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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