It’s Tuesday, that means it’s time for a night of verbal violence in the Belly Room.
Presiding over the judge’s table, we’ve got a couple of the meanest heebs in the business (See byline: Stein). Ari Shaffir (Double Negative, This Is Not Happening) is a battle judge veteran, and has even judged the naked Roast Battle where he threw a cup of his urine at a bleeding man. That probably won’t happen tonight, but he will be throwing a cup of mean as hell, Ari is one of the most entertainingly brutal judges we get. Of course, what’s Roast Battle without the Roastmaster General? Jeff Ross will be at the helm, providing his usual hilarious and insightful feedback to all the roasters of tomorrow, and the roasters of never again.
Our first battle of the night pits Jarrod Lang against Sarah Fatemi.
Jarrod is a Roast Battle virgin, but Sarah has only battled one time, and a lot of people who’ve only had intercourse one time still perform like a virgin. Sarah sure didn’t let her newcomer status slow her down in her first battle, where she took a definitive victory over Alex Gettlin and had the crowd eating out of the palm of her hand. Jarrod hasn’t battled and he didn’t accept my friend request, so I don’t know anything about him and I hope he loses. Don’t look for that request now, Jarrod, it’s cancelled. I hope you like the four year old picture I was stuck with. Not a lot of information to go off here, we’ve got a good mystery battle. The smart money is on Sarah Fatemi to wrangle her second victory.
Up next we’ve got Tom Whalen versus David Nieker.
It’s a classic bout of the preeminent fat guy archetypes: Loud Fat Guy vs Fat Guy with Beard. It should be noted, many argue that most fat guys are somewhere on a spectrum between the two extremes, and I believe that to be the case with these two, but Tom’s louder and David has more beard. These are two battlers with high ceilings, both of whom seemed to move closer to that ceiling in their most recent battles. The big difference is that Tom’s most recent battle was just a month ago, when he eviscerated Mia Mars, whereas David’s last battle was in January of 2017, when we were all so pumped for the new President to start his job. David’s a big, intimidating looking Jew, and that’s really great for the tribe, so I hope he’ll shake off the rust and bring home a win. Tom has always brought a lot of fun and energy to the stage, entertaining the crowd even in defeat, but he’s been dazzling them even more in victory and will look to ride that momentum to another win tonight.
Our final undercard of the evening features Anyi Malik taking on Kevin Munroe.
Let me tell you, the loyal reader, I am very excited for this battle. On paper, it’s not extraordinary. Anyi is a Roast Battle virgin, and Kevin Munroe has battled just one time, where the Trinidad and Tobago native delivered big laugh after big laugh en route to routing Steve Lee. What makes this battle so exciting is the narrative. This battle was born in a Facebook comment section fight, and seemed destined to end with real life fisticuffs. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and physical confrontation was avoided in favor of a Roast Battle. Shout out to Roast Battle for being an alternative to black on black violence. This one is going to get personal, expect no punches to be pulled and real venom behind the words. I questioned Munroe and he told me that “it’s on” and “ain’t no love in this one”. Anyi refused to give further comment on the incident, perhaps in an effort not to placate the white man, which was a good call: here I am, gossiping, up to no good. Historically, hatred will either manifest itself into great joke writing in the hunt for victory, or an awkward pissing match that makes the audience confused and a little uncomfortable. I enjoy both, but let’s root for great jokes.
Tonight’s main event has battle titans, Ram-Paige Wesley and Leah Kayajanian, squaring off.
There’s no drama or backstory here, just two cold-blooded assassins ready for warfare. This is bound to be a tremendous finish to the night, as Leah and Paige are two of the best headlining battlers this show has to offer. Both provide strong writing, phenomenal timing, quick off the cuff wit, and a profound tactical mindset. Leah has been at the top since your grandparents watched Roast Battle (like five years ago). She is the very first Roast Battle champion and has remained a top competitor ever since, racking up highlight reel wins against the best competitors over the years. Paige is part of a relatively newer wave of great Roast Battlers and she has put on some electrifying main events in the past year. The original battlers, such as Leah, have managed to stand strong at the top, making sure that the new waves of battlers prove themselves in earnest against the old guard. There is no easy pathway for up and coming battlers. If they want to be considered the best, they have to beat the best, and it’s because of this that you can expect Paige and Leah to bring their absolute best, and why the audience at Roast Battle continues to be the big winner. So congrats on that, audience.