by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

As we continue to bomb other countries, comedians go to war every Tuesday night in the Belly Room. Our first battle gets us off to a slow start with Cody Morley taking on Timothy McGorry. Luckily, the firing squad and the Saudi Prince are there to pick up the pieces. Tim shows some potential when two of his jokes don’t completely bomb, but his biggest laugh was following Cody’s first dud with the simple reply:

“Interesting.”

That is really the highlight of the entire battle. Cody fumbles his last (which may have also been his first actual) joke, and Moses mercifully gives the battle to Timothy even though the crowd chanted for Haiti.

The next battle pits white rapper Michael Schirtzer against just white Marty Wurst. Coach Tea drops a beat and Schirtzer chokes on the first line. He recovers and gets some laughs. He looks like his rap name is Flo Chart. Marty’s second joke bombs hard, but his other two get a decent response. His last joke is the strongest hit of the battle:

“Michael has resting white privilege face. He looks like he gave a Ted Talk on how to make black friends through rap.”

Schirtzer takes some shots at the judges and while you have to appreciate the guts it takes, it does not go well for him.

“The last time I had two guys bombing this hard next to me, it was with the promise of virgins. If I had to vote, it would be for Paul Rudd’s recessive genes.” – Saudi Prince

With the endorsement from the judges, Marty Wurst is awarded his first win.

The next bout sees the unroastable Mike Schmidt battling the uncrustable Victor Martinez Jr. Rich Vos starts in on Victor’s haircut and he replies with the name of the ’do:

“Kim Jong Uno Mas.” – Victor Martinez

And with that Victor endears himself to the crowd, and Mike makes his way to the stage. Schmidt starts things off in a relaxed whisper. He performs his jokes how I’d imagine a serial killer speaks to his victims as they’re drifting off to death. It’s as if NPR hired an insult comic as on-air talent. Mike starts off the match:

“You know, when we met before we battled, I had a lot of questions for Victor like: What monster was it that fed a bunch of balloons to a flying squirrel? And who put $600 worth of tapioca pudding in an Elvis wig?”

“That’s very funny, Queef Jobs, very funny. Yeah, uh, Mike really wanted to be a lawyer until he found out there’s no children involved in calling for recess.”

“I love a good criminal justice system joke from a garden slug in a mobster costume. And I do want to say to this, uh, you act like you are quite the ladies man, but I think we both know that you won’t eat pussy unless someone puts cheese on it.”

“That’s very creative, Mike, you old bastard. How come you haven’t created life yet? Um, Mike chugged a bunch of donkey cum before getting on Joe Rogan Experience. Not because of Fear Factor, he just does that.”

Mike’s background as a lawyer comes out as he decides to cross-examine the witness.

“Victor, I notice that you brought up that you’re a new father a couple of times. Victor, what is your girlfriend’s ethnic background?”

“She’s a German broad.”

“And what is your ethnic background?”

“I’m a Mexican.”

“And your baby’s hair is blonde? And your baby’s eyes are-”

“Blue, like Satan.”

“Oh, Victor…oh, Victor. Oh, Victor! I’m not sure that’s your baby. I looked at a picture, he doesn’t even have your chins.”

Objection! You honor, he’s badgering the witness. Overruled.

“Yeah, that’s right Mike, I got a kid and I’m young and shit…the next time you have a kid, you’ll also have chloroform.”

The Judges give Mike props for being unique, and the crowd gives him the victory.

Next up is Eric “Superjew” Abbenante versus Lonnie “Alt Black” Johnson.

“Is this OJ Simpson’s defense team?” – Mike Lawrence

Eric starts off the action:

“Lonnie’s white wife is nicknamed ‘Affirmative Action’ because she gives free rides to undeserving minorities.”

“Well, that was really racist, Hobbit Downey Jr. Eric looks like every school shooter’s imaginary friend.”

“Lonnie hasn’t had kids with his wife yet, because he wants to be more financially stable… before he leaves them.”

“Eric teaches autistic kids. And the crazy thing about that is the only thing campus rape isn’t getting him is more kids in his pocket.”

“Lonnie married a white woman. So when he eats her pussy out he can finally drink from the white fountain.”

“Eric’s a shitty comic, ok? If the Jews had had his jokes Jesus would still be alive.”

Lonnie’s last two jokes left the audience scratching their heads. Eric’s racism may have worn thin by the last joke, but his second joke got a great pop.

“I feel like they’re gonna high five and turn back into Obama.” – Mike Lawrence

“Saudi Prince, who do you like? Blacks or Jews?” – Brian Moses

“Well, neither. If I have to vote, I have to give it to the Wolverine action figure.” – Saudi Prince

Eric Abbenante takes the battle.

In our next fight, Omid Singh squares off against battle rapper, F.L.O. F.L.O. explodes on to the stage dancing.

“I got my money on DL Ugly.” – Jeff Ross

Omid claims first joke and we’re off:

“F.L.O, you look like you were held back in prison.”

“Fuck you, M. Night Deepak Shyamalan Chopra. You had pubic hair when you were born, you furry fuck. Fuckin’ Slumdog Build-A-Bear.”

“F.L.O, with raps like that you can sign with Skid Row Records. Good for you. F.L.O’s real name is Lancelot, but if you ask the ladies they’ll say he only lances a little. His parents named him Lancelot because he was conceived behind a Round Table Pizza.”

“Thank you, Dr. Patel. You look like a volunteer archeologist.”

“F.L.O’s so black he picked the lint out of his belly button and made an AIDS quilt.”

“Fuck you, you arranged marriage counselor.”

This contest really gets the crowd jumping. F.L.O can be an overbearing force, but Omid seems to be firmly in control and unfazed by his off-the-cuff style. Mike Lawrence suggests they go one more joke and the crowd erupts in chants echoing the sentiment. F.L.O goes first in sudden death:

“Uh, let’s see, you bitter Jew. Oh, you a bitter Muslim. You catfish women on Jew-date.”

The Saudi Prince breaks in with a referential burn:

“If you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted…” – Saudi Prince

“Is he here? Is Eminem here?” – F.L.O.

“No, but you look like you ate all of mom’s spaghetti.” – Omid Singh

The crowd explodes, Omid drops the mic and walks out to chants of “Omid! Omid! Omid!” 

It’s such a clean comeback that gets an enormous reaction. The audience is unruly. Omid takes the win in what is one of the most entertaining battles of recent memory.

Speaking of entertaining battles, the last bout has Keith Carey going chest-to-chest with Jamar Neighbors. Jamar is carried out over the crowd by the Wave in a superman pose while wearing black angel wings and no shirt.

“Is this Tyler Perry presents Birdman?” – Mike Lawrence

Keith responds to Jamar’s entrance by whipping off his shirt. Visually, this battle is already fascinating as we see the contrast between working out and eating out. It’s a battle of abs versus flab. 

This battle was scheduled as an undercard, which means it would typically be three jokes, but both battlers agree to do five instead. Keith volunteers to start:

“Before I even tell a joke, how have we not acknowledged that of course the black guy brought wings onstage? Seriously, if Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, Jamar was his Freddy Krueger.”

“Nice of you to leave your iceberg to be with us here this evening. Shout out to global warming. Keith, you got cut out of season one, beat – season two, I don’t know how you keep choking, you ain’t got a fucking neck.”

“You guys may have seen Jamar on @midnight, but it’s actually impossible to see Jamar at midnight.”

“Nice of you to leave the hundred acre woods to be with us here this evening. Shout out to Christopher Robbins. Alright Keith, I heard you like fucking underage girls. Kids would like you because your body look like a bounce house.”

“Speaking of which, Jamar was molested as a child. So at least we know his stomach isn’t the only part of his body that’s ripped.”

“Niggas tried to molest him but they couldn’t find his dick, now look… Keith watched his mother get a train ran on her. It’s his fault though, after birth he’s the one that left the pussy lookin’ like a terminal.”

“Jamar has the face of the cartoon Little Bill and the energy of regular sized Bill. Aw, fuck.”

Keith’s joke bombs, which I believe is the first time Keith gets nothing for a joke at Roast Battle. There’s a first time for everything, folks.

“Keith’s so fat he has type 2 diabetes. Excuse me, so fat he has 2 types of diabetes.”

“In all seriousness, you guys, I look like shit. Jamar has always been in great shape. At ten years old he already had a huge dick. Unfortunately, it was in his butt.”

“Keith, you’re actually a lot like my refrigerator growing up: big, white and dirty. The only difference is my refrigerator hasn’t had a dick in its butt. I shouldn’t have said that because you just said a dick in the butt joke.”

This battle is so fucking fantastic. They each had one dud, and it looks to be a tough call. Mike Lawrence weighs in and gives the edge to Jamar after giving both competitors huge compliments. Rich Vos seems to think Jamar beat the shit out of Keith, which is as Carey himself put it, “A little strong.” Jeff Ross confirms that Jamar won the battle. It was, joke-for-joke, an extremely close contest. It can be argued that most battlers have their greatest matches against Keith. Jamar certainly had one of his best in battle performances. No matter who the competitor is, if Keith is battling it’s going to be great show. See you next Tuesday, battle fans.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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