It was a long but rowdy night in the belly room on Tuesday with 6 battles and three killer judges. Judging the carnage was Mike Lawrence, Jay Light and Slink Johnson.
First up we had a virgin suicide featuring Lindsay Glazer versus Charley McMullen. Charley volunteers to go first.
“Lindsay looks like she’s waiting to speak to the manager of a sex dungeon. A real Becky BDSM.”
“Good one Meth Rogen. Charley looks like what priests call a ‘cougar’.”
“ Fact about Lindsay, she used to live next door to DJ Khaled. So, it’s not that he doesn’t eat pussy, just not ANYMORE.”
“Alright Karl Suburban. Charley self-harms regularly, which is the only chance he’ll get of beating up a pussy.”
“Despite that, I’m still very good friends with Lindsey. Before I met Lindsay, I didn’t even like cunts. Now I defend them. I’m like ‘Hey, don’t say anything bad about cunts! One of my best friends is a complete cunt!’”
“Charley beats off to Hunter S. Thompson’s novel. Anything with fear and loathing gets him hard.”
Moses said it best as he walked on stage, “this battle was fun for like two jokes.” It was a fine showing by these first-time battlers, Lindsay’s best joke was the “beating up a pussy” joke and Charley got his biggest laugh when he said, “Despite that, Lindsay and I are still very good friends.” And then they both killed their momentum with their final jokes. The judges are split, complimenting both battlers but not really choosing one over the other. The audience gives it to Lindsay.
Next up we had another virgin suicide featuring Jane Johnsen versus Wrenn Woods. Wrenn is called to the stage first and it is clear the audience is excited about this battle. Jane joins her on stage and answers the “why battle question” with “People confuse Wrenn and I a lot and I want people to know that I’m an Aries, and she’s not funny,” instantly garnering a huge reaction from this thirsty crowd and gaining her an early lead.
The audience wants Jane to go first and she obliges.
“We are all jealous of Wrenn’s ex-boyfriend, because we too wish that we could beat the shit out of her. Wrenn doesn’t even wear tank tops anymore, because wife-beaters give her PTSD.”
“Jane sticks a yoni egg up her vagina, it’s supposed to attract true love, but all it got her was a comedy store door guy with a pet snake and a yeast infection.”
“Wrenn wears Invisalign, because she’s sucked so many gross dicks that her teeth needed condoms. I’m honestly jealous of Wrenn because she gets everyone else’s dad to pay her rent.”
“Jane’s dad’s name is ‘Dick’, all that fun with Dick and Jane is probably why her mom asked for a divorce earlier this year.”
“For the last time Wrenn, my dad is off-limits. Wrenn opens for headliners opens her legs, opens her mouth, opens her ass cheeks, it’s too bad she’ll never be a closer.”
“Jane looks like I do before a queer eye makeover. Jane burns sage in her apartment to get rid of bad energy, sweetie the only way that place is burning down is with you in it.”
“To quote all of Wrenn’s ex-boyfriends, I’m so glad that’s over.”
Now that’s a fucking battle. Holy shit. Both these women came with confidence and jokes, but Jane was playing a different game than Wrenn. Jane came out swinging from the beginning and didn’t stop until she had leveled Wrenn completely. That teeth condom joke was brilliant. Jane deservedly swept the judges and audience vote taking her well-deserved first W. This was a really fun battle and I hope to see both of these women back in the ring soon.
Next up was the battle of the Kyles, Kyle Daley and Kyle Chrise. They both lived up to their generic names, bringing generic jokes and a lack of showmanship.
“[Chrise] is a Steelers fan, who have 6 championships. The closest he’ll ever come to that is his 6 chins.”
“You can tell [Daley] is from Boston, because the jokes explode before they cross the finish line.
“[Chrise] hosts a cosplay comedy show because his wife won’t roleplay.”
“[Daley] is like the cool youth minister who’s down with watching your friends while they fuck his wife.”
“[Chrise] looks like the bearded lesbian.”
I missed some jokes, but I couldn’t tell which Kyle was delivering which boring joke. Chrise had some bigger hits with the Boston and youth minister jokes, but overall it was an underwhelming battle. The audience gives it to Kyle Chrise.
Next up we had Kristin Stahlman versus Victor Martinez Jr. I wasn’t able to understand Kristin’s jokes, and she didn’t send them to me in time. So I can’t post the transcript from their battle. I will say that Victor came with jokes, and Kristin did not, garnering him a well-deserved win over Kristin.
The last undercard was Dylan Sullivan vs Cole Alexander. Cole is brought to the stage reveals that the two are best friends, which is always a good thing, the better the friends the better the battle, usually. Dylan starts us out.
“Cole looks like he calls women faggots. Seriously, Cole you’re so drunk and misogynist you thought you beat up two women last night.”
“Dylan you look like every season of biggest loser. Dylan is openly gay but he’s still to fat to serve in the military.”
“Cole’s whole act is shitting on trans women, and oddly enough so is his sex life.”
“Yeah, I dated a trans woman but at least she could see her adam’s apple over her chin. Dylan’s a door guy here at the Comedy Store maybe one day he’ll be as successful as Jay Light.”
“Cole says he got kicked out of his college for vandalizing the campus, or as others describe it – rape.”
“Dylan thinks he’s prediabetic that would be like me thinking I’m pre-racist, bitch everyone already thinks we are.”
“Cole how does it feel knowing you’ll never have the confidence of someone 200 pounds heavier than you?”
“Dylan once gained 120 pounds which is a lot to sacrifice for ten minutes of material.”
This was a fine battle with good back and forth and some nice high points. Dylan started out strong and maintained that momentum throughout. Cole had a nice pop with the “too fat to serve in the military” joke, but the rest fell flat and Dylan brought fire. Dylan wins both the judges and the audience vote.
It’s now time for the main event and the audience is ready for a blood bath between Omid Singh and Bryan Vokey. Both of these dudes are stone-cold killers and the audience is ready for it. Omid volunteers to go first.
“Bryan joined the KKK just so he could cover his face. They kicked him out because his eyes are blacker than a Canadian prime minister’s”.
“That’s funny, cuz I was just going to say what an honor it was to roast the Canadian prime minister, Justin Trudeau.”
“Yes, but I said it first. Bryan grew up in Maine so he’s an oyster cracker. He also looks like a fisherman who only catches hypothermia.”
“Omid moves around a lot as a kid because he was raised in a taxi.”
“Bryan lived in Atlanta and said he was in the military but I’m pretty sure he just worked at Delta.”
“Omid was such a cute baby his first words were ‘buddy buddy’.”
“Bryan is white, but you wouldn’t know that by how much he loses.”
“Omid is such a creep, You look like you’d get #MeToo’d by the snake you were trying to charm.”
“Bryan was a preschool teacher for six years, he taught children their AC/DC’s. Bryan’s the only preschool teacher that napped more than the kids. Don’t worry, we’ve already started a GoFundMe for all the victims.”
“They say you never shit where you eat which is why you’ll never catch Omid eating in a river.”
This was a great battle and had some great back and forth, it was late and it seemed like the men may have lost some of their enthusiasm. Omid gained an early lead, especially when Vokey failed to use a new joke and just repeated the same joke Omid used back to him. But Bryan was able to come back strong with his “taxi” joke and Omid lost some momentum with the “Atlanta/Delta” joke, probably because it was a little over the heads of most. Bryan continued his lead throughout and overtook Omid by the end. The judges unanimously give it to Bryan.