by Keith Carey
There’s electricity in the air at Roast Battle. Next week,
New York is sending some of their best and brightest to fight in the Belly
Room. March saw a squad of our heaviest hitters heading to the Stand, and while
we fought valiantly, New York’s Eli Sairs ended up with the championship belt.
Next week it’s coming home to LA, and I have every intention of making sure
that it stays here. However, we’ve still got a whole week to wait, and what
better way to sate our bloodlust than with tonight’s exceptional roster of
Making his judging debut is Alex Hooper, the legendary
prancing imp that stole America’s hearts on Season 2 of Roast Battle, although
what he really should have stolen was Zooey Deschanel’s moisturizer on the set
of “New Girl.” He’ll be joined by rising comedy star/guy I thought was Jerrod
Carmichael the first three times I met him because I am racist, Jak Knight!
These are two of the sharpest tongues in the game, and they’ll be on hand to
hold court over the night’s fights.
First into the ring are Glenn Bolton and Todd Walker!
This might look like a shitty Chinatown knock-off of “Weekend Update”, but it’s actually a battle between two untested combatants. Glenn has been making waves in the LA comedy scene, and his laid-back charm could translate to Roast Battle success. I’m not sure who Todd Walker is, but just by looking at him I’m sure he’ll be selling his little brother’s Adderall after the show. Everybody wins!
Next up, the hard times keep coming as Leah Mansfield takes
on Kyle Shire!
It’s DeGeneres versus DeGenerous portions at Hometown Buffet in this all-gay slugfest. Leah’s an accomplished comic in her own right, coming in hot off an appearance on Fox’s “Laughs.” Kyle is one of my personal favorite comedians working in LA today, but will it translate to the ring? Will the “G” finally replace the “L” at the beginning of LGBT? Which queer will be smeared?
We reach the halfway mark with John-Michael Bond putting on the
gloves against Paige Wesley!
These are two of the most promising new fighters to emerge on the scene in recent months. John-Michael, seen here hoping all those layers will make us not notice how fat he is, debuted with an impressive loss to Carmen Morales before coming back with a recent knock-out against the beloved Nat Baimel. Paige made a tremendous impact with a total dismantling of Madison Shepherd. Will she fall under the fists of Bond? Or will she make like her stomach in any pair of jeans and roll right over him?
From there, we go to the battle of the douchebags as Mark
“The Shark” Stevens takes on Caesar “How Does He Have Such A Hot Girlfriend I
Don’t Understand Does He Have Money Or Something?” Lizardo!
These two, both pictured here being the last thing you see before
you black out in the corner of a hookah bar, have had surprisingly parallel
journeys. In their Roast Battle infancy, both were somewhat
disliked-particularly Caesar, who literally had to battle to avoid being banned
from the club. But in each subsequent battle, they have applied more charm,
more skill, and have gradually become (moderately) well respected in the
community. Good luck fellas, and Mark, whatever stupid bullshit intro you’re
planning, stop it at once.
Next up, the prodigal daughter Lindsey Jennings gets down and dirty with Galina Ravina!
Lindsey Jennings may have the haircut of a retarded child’s Barbie doll, but she’s proven time and time again to be an entertaining-ass battler. She’s coming off a short ban for mysterious reasons, and odds are she’s hungry for redemption. And cum. I feel like she eats a lot of cum. Just, like, recreationally. On the other side of the ring, Galina Ravina makes a return after the aforementioned McNamara debacle. In this reporter’s opinion, her jokes were actually pretty good for that fight, and when she found herself in an early deficit due to some judge interference, she unfortunately shrank down rather than stepping forward and commanding the room. She’s a fierce competitor and a ballsy comic for coming back so soon, but she’ll need to bring some serious swagger to take on the larger-than-life antics (and pussy) of Jennings.
In the night’s final battle, F.L.O. goes T.O.E. to toe with Kevin McNamara!
In this battle between a rapper and a male model, it’s 8 Mile versus an 8/10. F.L.O. has showed promise in previous bouts, particularly in his surprise victory over Jay Light, but he was last seen getting absolutely body-bagged by the Dhalsim of Roast Battle, Omid Singh. Kevin McNamara has an incredibly busy fight card, and should definitely be praised for his ambition. However his recent bout with Galina Ravina proved to be one of the biggest duds in recent history. Both will have to tap into something deep inside of themselves to get back on the map. Well, not Kevin, he’s pretty, so he’ll never have to work hard and life will always be easy for him.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.