It’s Tuesday, and if you’re done reading all your stupid friend’s lame-ass April Fools jokes, we’re ready to get verbally violent!
Our first judge has seen more battles than most people. He’s the former host of the original New York Roast Battle show and current host of the Legion of Skanks podcast, Luis J. Gomez. Ramon Rivas will also be presiding, and you can hear him on a recent episode of the Roast Battle podcast Verbal Violence. Joining them will be the always enjoyable Allen Strickland Williams. Allen mostly does one-liners, so even though he’s never battled, he’s earned the respect of the battlers for his joke writing skills. And rounding out the judges’ section will be the RoastMaster General, Jeff Ross. And of course, you never know who might show up. Let’s Roast!
Our first battle features Saul Trujillo taking on his friend Taylor Evans.
Saul Trujillo and Taylor Evans look like they’re from the same island. They also look like they steal from the villagers and feast on their flesh. This is the battle for dumbest hair. You might recognize Saul from his special I’m Not Fat… I’m Puffy, and you probably recognize Taylor from his special, Bigger and Blackisher. I think he’s probably Puerto Rican or Dominican or Italian or something. He looks like he’s from from a place where they eat pig feet soup or some kooky shit like that. These dudes are in a comedy group called Deaf Puppies Comedy. They must like deaf puppies because they’re easy to sneak up on and eat. This should be fun a battle.
Second battle of the night pits Kim McVicar against Alice Hamilton.
Kim McVicar has been mutilating opponents in her short time battling, and Alice Hamilton is no slouch. Kim looks like she just desperately wants to hang out with Alice. It’s like a battle between a girl who does color guard and one of the kids smoking under the bleachers. Kim would definitely call the police on Alice’s BBQ. Kim looks like somebody who posts a lot of pictures of her nieces and nephews and makes jokes about how much she loves wine. This is a fight between a Black Panther versus a white cougar. We are all excited to watch these strong women claw the shit out of each other. This is sure to be a fun battle.
Midway through our night of battles, Matt LeGrande challenges Billy Anderson.
Matt LeGrande returns to the Belly Room after not battling for quite some time to take on frequent battler Billy Anderson. Billy is just getting back from doing comedy on a cruise ship, so I’m sure he can’t wait to say some fucked up shit. He’s also from the South so I’m sure he can’t wait to say some fucked up shit. Matt looks like if Billy was stretched out. Specifically, in his butthole. Matt looks like if Coachella became a stepdad. Before coming out of the closet, Matt used to be Christian. So I guess we know who taught him to die in front of a crowd. Billy still hasn’t come out of the closet. Matt was also a missionary. Even his church made him bring five people. These two put the boo in bukaki’d. Eh, it should be a fun battle.
Next up, the Reverend Johnny Stewart steps into the thunderdome with Lou Misiano.
Lou Misiano is who Johnny Stewart wished to be when he rubbed a magic meth pipe. Unfortunately, it wasn’t really magic, he was just really high. These are two very different kinds of scumbags. Johnny Stewart is known for making bets on his battles. When Victor Martinez lost to him, he had spend the rest of the night dressed as a woman. When he lost his last battle to Mia Mars, she got to drag him around on a leash while he bought her drinks all night. Well, these might be the highest stakes yet. Lou is known for two things: looking at himself in the mirror while fucking and wearing suits onstage. So if Lou loses, Johnny gets to keep his suit jacket. But if Lou wins, he takes home Johnny’s trademark denim vest, which is a big deal. The denim vest is the source from which a lowlife derives their power. This battle will be a fun one.
The final battle of the night sees Paige Wesley waging war against Julian Fernandez.
Most recently seen making Billy Anderson her bitch, Paige Wesley has become one of the most feared competitors in Roast Battle and one of the most feared customers at Wendy’s. Julian Fernandez is going to need to step up his game to even stand a chance against Rampage Wesley. Julian’s face looks like it was stretched over a skull slightly bigger than his original head. Paige looks like a house that became a women. Julian looks like he hosts a cooking show, which is why Paige wanted to battle him. Julian looks like he’d batter a woman and Paige looks like she batters everything she eats. It’s an interesting dynamic at play here. Based on her former battles, the scales are definitely tipped in Paige’s favor, making it the only time scales favor her. Julian has got his work cut out for him. If he wants to upset Paige, I’d suggest taking away her french fries. This battle will be a ton of fun.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.