The audience is loving Boon even more than usual and seems ready for the bloodshed. Our judges have taken their seats, we have season two champion Frank Castillo, Joe DeRosa, Bruce Jingles and the Wave’s own Jamar Neighbors and Willie Hunter. Finishing out the fun, after being missed the last few weeks, Saudi Prince is in the house mother bitches!
The crowd is hot and ready like a Little Caesar’s pizza for the first battle, which does not disappoint. First up we have Cole Alexander versus Alice Hamilton. Alice volunteers to go first.
“Cole likes his coffee like he likes his women, black isn’t his favorite, but he will take whatever’s cheapest.”
“Thank you Richard Pryor if he sucked less dicks. Alice is a nanny which is why it is so easy for her to forget how adults dress.”
“Cole has the body of a young Hannah Gadsby, and the likability of the men who gang raped her.”
“Alice you look like you’re the only member of the Jackson 5 that Joe Jackson thought was trying too hard.”
“Cole you fucking straight, white, cisgendered faggot. Cole only eats pussy if it’s dick.”
“Alice, in all honesty, I do love you. Kidding, no I don’t, just like your ex-husband didn’t either.”
The round ends and everyone wants more. Alice’s first joke hit hard and each joke built on the next, culminating in a very strong finish. Alice’s “only likes pussy if it’s dick” joke prompts a made-up song by Moses and the Wave. Cole came out swinging, his “Richard Pryor” jab got a huge pop. Cole’s second joke was his best of the round and earned a huge reaction. Frank, Joe, Bruce and Jerry, the 74-year-old man in the second row, all vote for Alice. Willie gives the slight edge to Cole. The audience votes for Alice and Alice wins her second roast battle. It was a phenomenal battle and a great way to start the night.
Next up is battle rapper Los Digits vs. Tess Barker. Digits paces the stage awkwardly prompting Frank to comment that “You know he’s serious because he keeps pacing the same dimensions of a jail cell.” Digits volunteers Tess to go first.
“Los Digits clearly has a nice little persona going on here, he looks like if a busboy fucked a souvenir store on Hollywood Blvd, but ah, we all know Los Digits is not your real name, your real name is whatever it says on the social security card that you bought.”
“Tess Barker’s vagina has had more Mexican in it than El Chapo’s tunnels. Even Trump wouldn’t grab this ugly bitch by the pussy.”
“Los Digits claims to be a rapper but he actually has no claim on the English language, this fool’s so stupid he doesn’t even know the Spanish word for digits.”
“Tess Barker was probably once a mail man, hold on let me slow that one down, Tess Barker was probably once a male man.”
“In all truth, at first I wondered why he had that stupid mustache on his face but then I realized, oh okay, it’s because it’s the only way he could get a pussy on his face.”
“Tess Barker is so racist her favorite pastime is slavery. She’s so racist she still has a ‘no coloreds allowed’ sign over her pussy.”
Tess first joke gets no reaction, whereas the Trump part of Digit’s leading joke gets a decent pop. Tess’s second joke is solid, but not enough to get her out of the hole the first joke dug her. Digits furthers his lead with his second joke, everyone loves a good word play joke. Tess’s last shot falls flat, it’s lazy writing. If she comes back, hopefully she’ll cut out the filler words and work a little harder on punchlines. Digits had solid jokes through the entire battle and is the clear winner, the judges and audience agree, Digits wins his second battle.
Next up on the chopping block is Todd Walker vs. Tatenda Mbudzi. Both men are brought to stage wearing the same black beanie prompting Joe Derosa to say they look like, “two burglars going out for a drink.” Tatenda is sporting his now-signature exaggerated accent, much to the chagrin of our black judges. Tatenda reluctantly goes first.
“Todd here is half white and half Thai. In high school he passed for white, and when the other Asian minorities were bullied, he says it didn’t bother him, it is my first time ever seeing a Crazy Bitch Asian.”
“Alright, thanks. Tatenda likes to do cosplay. He’s actually dressed up right now. As a black cuck.”
“Okay bachelor pad Thai Todd looks like one of the worms from Men in Black had sex with Gumby.”
“Tatenda from Zimbabwe. Sounds like he’s just as good at throwing roast battles as he is at throwing spears.”
“It’s funny that you should look like a pool noodle when you’re Thai.”
“Tatenda is not the kind of black guy that would ever jump you. Because the only thing he jumps is from tree to tree.”
Oofda. That was a rough battle. Tatenda’s first joke would have hit harder, but he had already used the “crazy bitch Asian punchline in the pre-battle banter, with only three jokes it’s not the best move to use the same punchline twice, and the audience agreed. Todd’s first joke doesn’t hit, but his sardonic “Alright, thanks” earns him a modest laugh. Tatenda’s second joke falls to crickets, perhaps because the reference is so old, but to be fair, in Tatenda’s country Men in Black just hit theatres. Todd’s second joke gets another very modest reaction from the audience, probably based off the no response to Tatenda’s second joke. Both battlers’ third jokes are total clunkers, Todd’s earns a lot of groans and even some boos, but in roast battle any noise is better than no noise. This was a very rough battle. Saudi Prince says, “Normally when someone bombs this close to me I have to promise them virgins.” Frank says, “Yo, can I get the money back that I sent?” It was hands down the worst battle of the night, but the judges redeemed it with their vicious and hilarious ribbing. Todd is voted the winner with a spattering of applause.
The final undercard features two Comedy Store door guys Matt Lockwood vs Dylan Sullivan. The audience is noticeably dismayed and tired after the energy-sucking last two battles, Moses does his best to rouse them promising the final two battles will be better. Dylan goes first.
“Matt claims he was molested by a woman as a child, but nobody believes him, because she went to a different school.”
“Dylan is a faggot, umm, hold on I think you misheard me, I said Dylan has a fat gut. What does LGBT stand for? Large guy big tummy?”
“Ku Klux Chin over here. Matt loves taking long walks on the beach, following women taking long walks on the beach.”
“Good joke Harvey Milkshake. If your face gets any more red we can call you the Kool- AIDS man.”
“If that’s what losing weight looks like, I’ll just stay fat. Matt is definitely not racist…toward white people and some Chinese.”
“In the gay community Dylan is what’s known as a cub, but I think it should be ‘Orlando’ because any time he moves his pulse gets shot up.”
Dylan’s first joke is phenomenal, one of my favorite jokes of all time. Unfortunately, the audience is still feeling the drag from the last battles and it doesn’t get the reaction it deserves, it still hits, but it should have brought the roof down. Matt’s first joke starts strong but then peters out. Dylan’s second joke doesn’t hit as hard, and Matt comes back with the “Harvey Milkshake” retort and they are neck-and-neck. Dylan’s last joke falls completely flat along with Matt’s. It was a strong start from both of these guys but they couldn’t maintain the momentum. Willie says it was the best battle of the night, but the audience just wasn’t feeling it. Despite Dylan having the best joke of the round and possibly the night, Matt takes it.
With the undercards over, it’s time for the main event featuring John-Michael Bond vs. Jono Zalay. JMB is hungry and wants it first.
“Jono’s looks like they rebooted the Marlboro Man to sell eating ass.”
“Good one Carrot Bottom. John-Michael Bond looks like a Viking that would run into a town…and get raped.”
“Jono had to have a cancerous tumor removed from his dick. Yeah, having a cancerous tumor removed from your genitals. It sounds like what all his exes describe their breakups as.”
“Good one you pumpkin spice Reddit thread. John-Michael Bond for a living reviews porn for adult websites, that’s crazy because he looks like he reviews porn for child websites.”
“First off Fisher-Price is doing wonderful things with Blacked this year. Jono is a failed TV writer. His career has often been compared to 9/11, but that’s not fair because three pilots got off the ground on 9/11.”
“John-Michael Bond, like James Bond has an interesting way of introducing himself. It’s, ‘Bond, John-Michael Bond, and I’m legally required to tell you I’m a sex offender.’”
“Jono’s favorite football team is the San Diego Chargers. He’s so inspired by them he’s also spent a ton of money to move to Los Angeles, squander his potential, and accomplish nothing.”
“You ginger queef. John-Michael Bond raises money for Native American charities, because he relates to the fact that no one gives a shit about them, they’re never on TV, and his blankets are fucking infested. And he’s sucked so many dicks he has a wounded knee.”
“Oh man that joke was almost as long as the trail of tears. Jono used to be a scientist whose job was giving cocaine to mice. You may ask ‘why would you give coke to mice’, but guys, it’s hard enough to get a woman to suck his dick.”
“John-Michael Bond and his wife have threesomes, which great, and although it’s unfortunate for Idris Elba, it’s too late for him, the next Bond will definitely be black.”
“I think it’s hysterical you’re like, ‘oh he has threesome with his wife’ like what’s your next joke? He has a 700-credit score. Sorry my wife and I have fun sex.”
“I accept your apology.”
Saudi Prince gives it “two towers down plus whatever I do later this year”. JMB came out strong and Jono hit back hard, it was a great start to this main event. JMB’s second joke was a little word and lost momentum. Jono’s delightful beginning quips earn him favor with the crowd early on, and his second joke hits as hard as his first. JMB comes back with the third joke, but then Jono hits him with another banger. The end got a little uncomfortable and they lost some momentum with their last jokes. The judges are pretty split. Frank votes for John-Michael Bond, Joe asks for one more joke and the crowd agrees, we head into OT with Jono leading it off.
“John-Michael’s wife is very cool, she’s a successful tattoo artist, she’s tattooed several celebrities. But she won’t feel entirely accomplished until she puts the ink on the divorce papers.”
“Jono has HPV, he’s one of the rare comedy bookers who means it when he says he’s going to give a girl spots.”
JMB’s last joke is a little too inside and Frank, Joe and Willie vote for Jono, Jamar doesn’t vote and Bruce has left, Jono wins! Tune in next week for another installment of “Best of the Belly Room” where LA’s best take on each other.
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