by Keith Carey
Once more, it’s that special time of the week where we lace
up our fighting gloves and build a callous around our precious little feelings
as we head back into the Belly Room for another night of Roast Battle action.
Tonight’s record high seven-fight schedule promises some big winners and some
crushing defeats. We will bathe in the blood of the fallen as we raise high the
victorious! Let’s get into the previews.
The Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, takes a break
from finding the perfect pork pie hat to take his
seat at the judge’s table. Joining him is Josh Adam Myers, creator of “The Goddamn Comedy Jam” and most likely guy to try to follow your girlfriend into the
bathroom. Rounding out the judge’s panel – literally – is birthday girl Olivia
Grace, last seen on Comedy Central battling K. Trevor Wilson, gravity, and a
hefty dose of codeine. We’ll have EMT’s standing by in case she tries to stand
Our first undercard pits Keith Reza against Dave Hatch!
Keith Reza is an Orange County native whose battle history
ranges from “not too shabby” to “crime against humanity”, but hopefully he’ll
apply his freaky-deaky autism superpowers to figuring out how to win a battle
and not just try to repackage his material as roast jokes as he has in the
past. I don’t know Dave Hatch, but based on this photograph, he clearly is no
longer in love with the woman who made that Christmas martini for him, so hopefully he can bring that disdain to the ring and put up a strong fight.
Next up, Lou Vahram gets verbally violent with Ashton
Lou is the Rudy of Roast Battle, in that he valiantly keeps
getting in the ring despite his near-superhuman unlikability onstage. That
said, he has made progress as a joke writer since his last battle, so perhaps
this will be his night. Ashton Swinford is no slouch – she’s not allowed to when she’s in the back brace – and she’s got a tussle with Mark Stevens under her belt so far. She’s been beaten pretty badly, most notably by
a car, so it remains to be seen if she can overcome Lou.
After that, we’ve got Manny Ortiz slugging it out with Kujo
Manny Ortiz is notorious around the Orange County comedy
scene for wearing bike shorts everywhere he goes, so let’s hope his jokes are
as crisp and clearly defined as the outline of his alleged penis. I couldn’t
find Kujo Johnston on Facebook, so here is a picture of Cujo the dog. Honestly,
if this battle was just Manny fistfighting a St. Bernard, I’d be onboard.
After that, we’ve got the battle of the gelatinous monsters
as Tim Groeschel takes on Seth Woodward!
Tim Groeschel, seen here posing for a painting called
“Trump’s America”, has a few battles under his enormous belt, including a
rousing overtime victory recently over Alfred Konuwa III. Seth Woodward has
been hit-and-miss, but behind the face of an adult Beanie Baby enthusiast lurks
the spirit of a killer. This one has potential.
Then we’ve got Josh Michaels against Tony Asar!
Tony looks like the black friend in whatever “Saved By The
Bell” knock-off Josh is starring in. He looks like the only black guy who has
more white privilege than Josh. As has been stated several times in the Report,
black battlers have been rising up and pushing against their historic losing
streak at Roast Battle, so it’s up to Josh to bravely defeat progress and
maintain the reign of the unremarkable straight white male!
The last undercard is a special event, pitting Joe Dosch
against “AmeriKKKa’s Nigga” himself, Jamar Neighbors!
If you need a reason to come to Roast Battle this week, this
is it. Two of the most compelling performers the show has to offer are throwing
blows, and nobody is safe. Jamar is a permanent fixture of the All-Negro Wave,
and is coming off both TV appearances and a role in this summer’s “Keanu.”
While his battle record is spotty, every time he gets on the Belly Room stage,
magic happens. Joe Dosch is one of the greatest writers around, the co-host of
the Mean Boys Podcast (which has a theme song featuring Jamar himself), and
absolutely lethal in the ring. This one’s going to be scorched earth. Don’t
Our main event sees human celery stalk Quentin Moscaritolo
taking on potential stalking victim Madison Sinclair!
Quentin looks like he only eats pussy if it comes with a
Happy Meal toy, while Madison looks like she doesn’t eat anymore because her
agent told her not to. This battle could potentially be a big one. Quentin and
Madison are both rising stars on the Roast Battle scene, and both could use a
big victory to propel them up the ranks. Despite Madison’s recent slaughter at
the hands of Mike Schmidt, she is a formidable writer and is growing exponentially
in terms of performance and efficiency with each appearance. Quentin hasn’t had
a battle since his losing bout with “Giant Killer” Tony Bartolone, but he
showed tremendous promise there, and is hungry for a win. Let’s hope these two
are ready to burn the fucking room down.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.