As Jeff Ross and Dave Attell close out a very enthralling pre-show with Attell yelling out: “let the roasting begin!”, one thing becomes evident: the energy in the room is different than it has been lately. The last couple months, the “regulars” that attend Roast Battle have felt like they have been chasing a high as good as the way it used to be. Each week, we come back, and it’s fun, but we never leave fully satisfied. Last night, we all nodded out in a dumpster. It has been like listening to your favorite band’s new album after they get a lot more recognition and label influence. There’s nothing wrong with Shape Shift With Me, but it still isn’t as visceral and rock n roll as Reinventing Axl Rose. Two people will understand this reference. Anyways, Tuesday night felt like a married couple went from a dry spell to playing with sex toys for the first time. Tuesday night reminded us why we love this show. So, “Let the Roasting begin!”
Jeff brings up our referee and host for the evening, Brian “Motherfucking” Moses. He introduces our judges for the evening: Roast master General Jeff Ross, Roast Battle Season 1 winner Mike Lawrence, and newest roast writer on the scene Nicole Becannon. On the opposite side of the room sits the Saudi Prince in his secluded castle of hate. Moses mentions, “we’re like, what? Three weeks away from 9/11? Your birthday!” to which Saudi replies, “Yeah, that’s my Fourth of July.”
Brian Moses jumps into the first battle. The first battle is like making the crowd eat their vegetables before their main course and dessert. This crowd definitely left with their tummies full but nothing too note-worthy in the first couple. Our Ref brings up Perry Grone first and asks him “why are you battling Andy?” “Well, he’s Vietnamese and the Vietnam war is not over.” Whoops! Andy Van is brought up next and asked the same question. He spews out an unprovocative set-up that nobody listened to the way you ignore the Viatnamese being spoken around you while they paint your nails. The first joke is almost formulated by Andy and the audience wants it like a dog wants a morsel of In-N-Out. “I didn’t realize he was going to wear a Rambo shirt. He looks like he’s about to shoot up a synagogue.” Andy offers to go first.
“Perry looks like if you wash down a Plan B with Mountain Dew.”
“I’d rather look like that than the Pillsbury Pho Boy.”
The hungry audience laughs.
“Andy is Vietnamese… an easy target. Which is coincidentally what my uncle said when he was flying in a helicopter over his uncle.”
“Perry actually used to work at a gas station. Which makes sense because his grandfather operated a gas chamber.”
The crowd is shocked with an “ohh” reaction.
“Andy couldn’t get into medical school. Which really bummed him out, because he was looking forward to that dog autopsy.”
“This is coming from a guy that looks like if Blake Griffin fucked Peter Griffin. Perry’s college girlfriend dumped him. It turns out that even girls with Down’s syndrome have standards.”
“Couldn’t get into medical school, his girlfriend broke up with him, and now he works at Bubba Gump’s Shrimp factory. I don’t know if his parents should be disappointed or happy that he hasn’t killed himself.”
The judges riff on these two for a while, and unanimously give it to Andy.
“Well, I have to give it to Andrew because Perry looks like every guy that’s ever cheated on me.”-Nicole Becannon
“And Andy looks like every guy you settle for afterwards.”-Mike Lawrence
“I really enjoyed dehydrated Channing Tatum but I’m going to have to give it to Kim Jong Unfunny.”-Saudi Prince
Moses asks the audience to take a vote for the winner based on applause, and they agree that Andy Van is the winner!
Next up, Roast Battle virgin Paulina Combow adorably prances to the stage to begin the next battle. When asked why she is battling Ryan Nesen, she says, “Honestly, I just wanted to talk shit about a white dude in a safe environment. Well lit.” Moses is proud for a moment that he has created a place to talk shit on white people. Undefeated Ryan Nesen is brought up next and says, “You know, I wanted to make a FarmersOnly commercial on stage. Really nailing it right now, guys.” Ryan offers to go first.
“Paulina’s last name is Combow, which is fitting, because her face looks like it’s been hit with two jabs and an uppercut.”
“Thank you, Ryan Gross-ling. Ryan’s last name is Nesen. If Liam Nesen was his dad, he would be the son that got left taken. He has no particular set of skills.”
“Paulina is such white trash, even her gene pool is above ground.”
“It makes it easier to float that wine glass, baby. You look if Ross from Friends had zero friends.”
“I just signed up for JDate, so let’s see if I can make friends on there. Paulina has brought up a couple terrible points tonight. But that’s enough about her tits. Paulina’s relationship with her mexican boyfriend reminds me of the romance between Jack and Rose on the Titanic. It’s gonna end with her laying there doing nothing as he’s taken away by ICE.”
“Thank you, Pauly DUI. Actually, your girlfriend told me that when you cum, you look like you’re being shot with a machine gun.”
Paulina finishes off the battle by doing a wildly unsuccessful act out of the machine gun. Even with Coach T’s assistance of the sound effect of shots being fired, her firearm backfires without proper build up or support from the audience. Watching the eight year comedy vet beaten down so badly by the white guy she loathes felt like watching an episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. That being said, it was Paulina’s first time and we truly hope to see her learn from her mistakes and come back soon. Our painfully playful panel of judges jump in with their zingers.
“We Roast the Jews differently in my country.. and the women! I was actually really impressed. I’m going to give it a United 93. I really enjoyed if someone did FaceSwap with Nick Cage and David Schwimmer but overall I was very impressed with Reese Witherspoon’s reflection in the door knob.Can you teach her to sit and stay and beg?” -Saudi Prince
“Paulina looks like if Jonbenet lived.”-Mike Lawrence
“Let’s go complain to the manager together.” – Brian Moses
“I get why you want to talk shit on a white guy. You’re from Nashville. You’re usually talking shit on black guys. I’m kidding. I’m sure you hate the N word. That just moved in next door.”-Nicole Becannon
Ryan Nesen takes the win on this one.
“We’re done with white people. Give it up for some black girl tragic.” Moses starts a “black girl tragic” chant. Stacey Machelle is brought up first and takes her jacket from off her shoulders. She looks like Sandra D from Grease if she was covered in some. Oh, stop. You know what this show is by now. Moses asks her why she is battling Jasmin Leigh and she remarks, “Jasmin looks like every bitch that beat me up in third grade. So, I’m seeking revenge.. revenge adjacent actually… So, just exercising some demons.” Jasmin is summoned next, and struts up with a bright yellow dress on that makes her look like a vertical piece of caution tape. She takes the microphone from Stacey as Moses points out, “you look like a highlighter. What’s up? Why are you battling Stacey here?”. She responds,“Because it’s the best place to disrespect your elders.”
As if he could sense the phenomenon of three black people on stage when it’s not Hamilton, Jeff Ross announces that Donnell Rawlings has taken a seat with the firing squad. This sets off a “Ashy Larry!” chant started by Jamar Neighbors that the whole room participates in. We now get to see how hilarious the world truly looks through Rawlings’ eyes for a moment.
“This battle looks like it’s going to be Oprah Winfrey versus Shanaynay. They both look like they survived R Kelly in 24 hours. My mind is telling me noooo, but my bodyyy!”
Coach T puts on Bump N’ Grind as Donnell now addresses the very shirtless Chantmaster Josh Meyrowitz. “You need to put a shirt on before someone catches syphilis. Your body looks infested, son. You look like you got something: Diabetes. Herpes. Something, son. You look dirty.”
The captivating moment continued as Donnell explained why he doesn’t like Jeff Ross. “Should I get over this? I have a young son. My son at 2 years old went on stage. Not as a comedian. Just a two year old motherfucker. He grabbed the mic and just made a noise. I posted it on Instagram. Some posts you know you’re going to get mad “aw”s. This motherfucker, 80 comments later, said “the kid has no timing.”
This suspenseful and long winded story gets a big laugh from the crowd.
“Yo! My son has two jokes: ca ca and fart joke.” – Donnell Rawlings
“Just like his dad.” – Jeff Ross
“Why are the two scoops of ice cream fighting?”-Saudi Prince
Now, to get back to your regularly scheduled program: the battle at hand. Jasmin raises her hand and offers to go first. Let’s Roast!
“Stacey. I don’t know how you got divorced. The only baggage you’re carrying is under your eyes.”
“At least my stripper name and my real name is not the same name. That’s not my joke. Jasmin, you have been such a disappointment to your parents, okay? You came out as a lesbian. They almost disowned you. And then you came out as a comic, and they just killed themselves.”
“Thank you Shit-ney Houston.”
This gets a pop and Josh starts a Shitney Houston chant.
“Stacey has a great weave, and I don’t mean your hair. I mean dodging your ex-husband’s hits.”
“Some people look like celebrities, but Jasmin over here looks like three celebrities: Willow Smith, Jaden Smith, and Bobbi Kristina after they found her in the bath tub.”
“Thank you, Forrestah Whitaker. Stacey’s eye is so lazy, you can tell it ain’t got no job. The only thing lazier than Stacey’s eye is Donald Trump.”
“That was a good one. How does it feel to be in front of an audience that you didn’t invite out and they’re actually paying to be here. Is that good? The space between Jasmin’s teeth is so big, it’s listed on Airbnb.”
“I don’t have a gap, though.”
Before the judges deliberate, Rawlings jumps in.
“That was horrible! That was the worst battle ever! If you’re gonna go in, go in! What happens when a joke don’t work?” – Donnell
“I don’t know. Ask Stacey”- Jasmin Leigh
This gets a laugh from the crowd.
“That’s what I’m talking about! Ain’t nobody win. It was zero to zero. That was love-love. Can I be honest or what?” – Donnell
“Donnell was in his own roast. He wasn’t paying attention.”- Jasmin
In possibly the most honest and helpful Roast Battle moment in history, Rawlings launches into an analytic and cathartic deconstruction of the show.
“Don’t do that. First off, the reason why I don’t do the roast shit is because a lot of it is written. It’s contrived. I know that. I do understand this concept. But seriously, this concept could be dope if motherfuckers just didn’t rely on ‘I wrote this fantastic joke’ and embodied the character and have the attitude to run without the joke. I understand that someone is supposed to win, but in this battle, nobody should have won.”
“Alright, that’s one vote for Jasmin” – Jeff Ross
“This is a wonderful demonstration of why we don’t let women speak in my country. No, it was So Raven.” – Saudi Prince
“Tiffany Haddish presents They Weren’t Ready.”-Nicole Becannon
Moses gives it to Jasmin Leigh by a hair of audience approval.
Brian Moses dives head first into the next battle by bringing up Stephanie Wain. When asked why she is to battle Robyn Blake, she responds, “Me and Robyn are really good friends, actually. So I thought it would be fun.” Robyn now comes up flexing her muscles in a blonde wig and metallic bathing suit looking like Lady Gaga as a professional wrestler. She takes off her wig and asks the front row to watch it for her. “Stephanie asked me to battle her and what can I say? I’d do anything for a blonde dyke.”
“Stephanie, you spent 26 years in the closet and you came out wearing that?”
Stephanie is wearing a red bandana tied around her neck and a button up jean shirt. She looks like she is hunting raptors after the battle. Robyn continues.
“Stephanie looks like Cinderella if her fairy Godmother were Hilary Clinton.”
“Oh, Robyn. You look like the bearded lady got cancer. Robyn is bi-gender, so everytime she has sex it’s like a threesome. It’s he, she, and their cunt.”
“What are your pronouns, again? Cunt or twat? Thank you, Legally bland. I still can’t tell if Stephanie is the youngest Golden Girl or the oldest Cabbage Patch kid.”
“Robyn, you’re just pissed because like Santa Claus, your father told you that he wasn’t real. I’m the worst, okay. Robyn has been a college student for eight years, which is the longest time she’s ever committed to a single identity.”
“Thank you, Orange is the New Hack. Stephanie’s comedy is like an armed gunman at the women’s march. She only kills in safe spaces.”
“Robyn, everyone knows that acne loves you more than your mother. I’m a monster. I’m jsut jealous because your mother loves you. I’m jealous because you’ve never needed birth control. When Robyn wants to fuck a guy, she just touches herself.”
“This looks like a non union remake of Glow” – Nicole Becannon
“You [Robyn] look like a hooker on the Battlestar Galactica” – Jeff Ross
It’s a close match for the audience, but Robyn Blake wins by a chest hair.
Moses brings us into a highly anticipated battle between two interesting characters in Roast Battle. Digits bounds to the stage with more confidence than this man should ever have. He begins pacing around like he is about to take a man’s life for the first time. He is asked why he is battling Joe Eurell. He says, “One time I saw him back there, foo. He was throwing up all kinds of gang signs. This is crime on crime baby.” Joe is now brought to the stage to some badass Irish rock n roll music. He is asked the same question. “I didn’t even know he wanted me to battle. I thought he wanted me to sponsor him for citizenship.”
“I feel like is Joe wins, Digits has to give his chair hydraulics.”- Mike Lawrence.
Autistic Thunder now starts the chant: “Pimp that ride!”, which the tuned in audience gladly hops on board with. Joe suggest Digits goes first.
“Joe’s from South Carolina. He looks like he supports Trump, but only from the waist up because his bottom half can’t support shit.”
Digits uses his hands to catapult this joke into the audience with such swagger, the room explodes with laughter. Much like they will for every joke from both Joe and Digits the entire battle.
“Thank you, Danny Pendejo. Los Digits is an anchor baby. Not because his mother was undocumented, but just because he’s dragging his whole family down.”
“Thank you, Palsy Shore. Joe’s legs are like my Mexican family. They don’t work, and they always have to be carried by somebody else.”
“Why are you walking around so much? It’s almost like you’re all Pace and no salsa. You know? You’re right. I have CP. But, this guy dresses like an MS-13 year old.”
“Joe has only had sex once. When they left him on the bathroom floor and the dog got ahold of his ass. Who let the dogs out?”
Digits fumbles on this joke and the bad act out doesn’t help.
“It’s been five times, thank you very much. Five times. Digits claims to be a battle rapper. But the only solid bars he has are the ones in front of his windows.”
“THIS was a motherfucking battle.” – Donnell Rawlings
“It was an illegal alien versus something you find in Area 51” – Mike Lawrence
“I can’t wait for your sitcom: the Pimp and The Gimp” – Nicole Becannon
“Saudi, in your country, would this be accepted entertainment?” – Jeff Ross
“Neither one of these would be allowed to live. But it was entertaining. I want to give it Two Towers down.” – Saudi Prince
There you have it. A Two Towers down stamp of approval. From start to finish, the energy was strong and the audience clung onto every word. With the exception of Digit’s word fumble on the dog joke, it was a flawless battle. Everyone in the room was lucky to experience it. Joe Eurell takes home another well-deserved win, but Digits put up a fight.. against the disabled. What a hero. Seriously, both battlers are not to be fucked with!
The ever-charming Paige Wesley now walks to the stage and says hello to the Saudi Prince.
“Saudi Prince, it’s good to see you back.” – Paige Wesley
“How are you, camel toe?” – Saudi Prince
Paige is asked the age-old question: “why are you battling Lou?.” “I ran out of people to battle,” she responds. She goes on. “I was like, ‘who’s left?’ and they were like ‘Mark Stevens?’ and I was like ‘No.’ They were like ‘How about this other guy?’ and I was like ‘The guy in the suit? Sure. That works.” Mark stands in the back of the room yelling, probably in the middle of disregarding the importance of personal space.
The Heel of Roast Battle is brought up next, kissing the hand of a lady in the front row and combing his already combed hair.
“You look good.”- Brian Moses
“Duh.”- Lou Misiano
“He looks like her G-string.” – Jamar Neighbors
“Alright, Sweatpants, relax. I’ve had a pretty rough week. I recently lost a really good friend of mine. So, if we could raise our glasses to my friend and mentor, Jeffrey Epstein. He filled the hole in my heart the way we filled the holes in those pre-teens. I’m going to miss him.” – Lou
“On the plus side, there is a sex island for sale and I’m bidding.” – Saudi Prince
The energy in the room is still buzzing when Lou offers to go first. Ding ding!
“Paige is every black man’s dream girl. She’s curvy, sassy, and her fingers are too fat to dial 9-1-1.”
“It’s true. I’m fat. Lou is an alcoholic so we could both take a few more steps.”
“Paige is somehow getting married in October. Her wedding song is ‘badadadaaaa I’m lovin’ it’.”
The audience laughs after his set-up, and loses it after this punchline. It even brings out the Wave.
“You know they don’t have enough chicken nuggets for that wedding. Lou dresses up for every battle, because he’s obsessed with James Bond. He drinks martinis, because he’s obsessed with James Bond.. and he treats women badly, because he’s an asshole.”
“I treat every relationship the way Paige treats Weight Watchers and just goes ‘fuck this’. Paige is actually an accomplished actress. I loved her work as the boulder that trapped James Franco in 127 hours.”
Lou is basically dominating her the entire battle up until her next joke.
“It was nice being that close to James Franco. Lou is actually a waiter. He’ll wait by your car, by by house. He’ll wait by your bedroom window with binoculars.”
Lou now takes out a bag of cocaine, starts sprinkling it out on the stool, and says, “I have to make her more interesting. Give me a second.”
“The only thing whiter than your privilege is the inside of your nose.”
“I snort coke, and she just snorts, you fucking farm animal. Speaking of disgusting pigs, the only time Paige gets a compliment is when a spider writes it in a web.”
“Lou has actually had two threesomes with the same guy. Sorry, I fucked that up. Lou jerks off in front of two mirrors.”
“Some pig. Read a fucking books, you idiots! You illiterate faggots. Paige has a podcast about cults which makes sense. She’s definitely smashed thru a few walls to get cool aid.”
“Lou is just jealous ‘cuz he’s never had a conscious girl say ‘Oh, yeah’. Lou actually told me he’s thinking about moving home but Satan already turned his bedroom into a craft room.”
The battle between Joe and Digits would be very hard to top for anyone else, but Lou and Paige brought the gut wrenching entertainment. Tremendous showmanship from Lou and hilarious off-the-cuff rebuttals from Paige. It goes to the firing squad and Mike Lawrence points out and challenges Lou to write jokes that aren’t just about Paige’s weight. Nicole gives the slight edge to Lou. However, this audience is still so revved up and Jeff decides to let them feast on one more bite of cheesecake. The crowd loves to hear the suggestion and starts chanting “one more joke!”. Just like that, Paige launches into Lou’s first overtime.
“Lou looks like he orders bottle service at funerals.”
“Paige is so secretive, Jeffrey Epstein and I fucked kids on her.”
Lou gave Paige a run for her money, which might be the only time we’ve seen her run. The judges overwhelmingly give it to Paige in OT, and Lou is probably still awake from how much cocaine he did to cope with the loss. This was an undeniably fantastic performance for both gifted battlers and I can’t wait to see what they have cooked up next.. and I’m not talking about Digits’ crack den. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next week!